So much for being in control. Puting the kids to bed and they happened to mention that they were at OMs house LAST night, untill 11, watching a movie. On a school night! Of course I was told by W they all stayed at her mothers, nothing more. Firm? Assertive? Gentle? Without anger? How? How do I take controll?
Oh this is easy. If she wants to have the affair, let her (you can't stop her). The kids stay with you in the home and she moves out. She can visit them. Period. You are their parent even more equally than she right now, because she is not thinking clearly.
Now, I realize this means tons more work on you: arranging for child care, fixing their lunches and meals, getting them where they need to go, etc. but you are their FATHER and their mother has temporarily flown the coop and is not acting in their best interests.
It is NOT in their best interests to be torn from their father.
It is NOT in their best interests to be removed from their home (for her horniness).
It is NOT in their best interest to be exposed to the OM.
It is NOT in their best interest to be up until 11pm on a school night.
It is NOT in their best interest to have the parenting decisions of their father ignored.
Mom is acting selfishly, hormonally, and without regard to putting THEM ahead of HER OWN SELFISH DESIRES. The fact that you can put them ahead of yourself is more than adequate proof that they need to be with you.
Hynd, you need to make this happen, and it's not a option--it's a requirement.
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Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare
Ooooops! Sorry I'm not done yet because I'm steamed now. I'll do my best to be objective but to be honest...it's hard.
Okay first here is a quote about custody in the state of Maine:
Quote:
What standard does the court use to determine how to assign parental rights and responsibilities?
The court must determine what is in the "best interests of the child." There are many factors that help the court determine the best interests of the child. Some of the more important ones include:
* The age of the child;
* The preference of the child, if old enough to express a meaningful preference;
* The duration and adequacy of the child's current living arrangements, and the desirability of maintaining continuity;
* The stability of any proposed living arrangements for the child;
* The child's adjustment to the child's present home, school and community;
* The capacity of each parent to allow and encourage frequent and continuing contact between the child and the other parent (note: NOT THE LOVER!!), including physical access;
* The capacity of each parent to cooperate or to learn to cooperate in caring for their child;
* The existence of domestic abuse between the parents, in the past or currently, and how that abuse affects:
o The child emotionally; and
o The safety of the child
* The existence of any history of child abuse by a parent;
* A parent's prior willful misuse of the protection from abuse process;
* The existence of a parent's conviction for a sex offense or a sexually violent offense; and
* All other factors having a reasonable bearing on the physical and psychological well being of the child.
I believe the time has come for two things. #1--I know your children are young but they are not stupid and they know something is up. Since your wife is determined to introduce them to OM and try to teach them that what she's doing is okay (even acceptable), I believe the time has come to sit down with your children and have a talk with them. It should start like this: "Guys, I know you are smart kids and I love you very much, so I'm sure you know that something is happening between your mom and I. I found out a little while ago that your mom has a boyfriend while she's still married to me, and I have to admit, at first I was pretty mad at her because moms and dads are supposed to love each other, not have boyfriends or girlfriends. Your mom's boyfriend is "OM" and I know you know him, but he is not just friends with your mom. They are going to have a baby together. I've been trying to talk to your mom and work it out so we stay a family but it's not going well, and I just KNEW you guys would have questions...maybe things you're a little afraid to ask. Shoot I was afraid to come talk to you! But I love you and I tell the truth to people I love, so I had to tell you. Do you have anything you want to ask me?"
See how that is factual, not judgmental or pointing blame, but also not letting the kids think it's okay to have a boyfriend or okay with you that they are with the other man? See how it teaches the kids through your actions that even when it's hard you tell the truth to people you love? Keep it on you and how you feel and maybe even some things you did wrong that contributed to this... but hey the fact she has a boyfriend is just TRUE. The fact she's having a baby is just TRUE. If she gets mad, tough! Her actions are what's wrong here, not telling the kids the truth.
#2-- I believe it's time for her to move out. This thing with her coming to the house while you go to work is baloney. Time she start experiencing exactly what it will be like when the other man meets her needs 100% and she gets none met from you...and what it's like to lose her children at least half the time if not more. I have a newsflash for her--she's not gonna be a "taken care of" stay at home mommy anymore. She will have to provide for herself and the children (who stay with you because you are the stable parent right now) and the baby on the way. Let OM put up with her hormonal pregnancy b.s.!! She will be instructed by the courts to obtain at least a minimum wage job in order to contribute to providing for her children. I believe she needs to have a bit of a slap of reality and a wake up call...so I'd say give her to this weekend to end the affair with OM or get out and not with the kids.
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Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare
Last edited by Affaircare; 02-04-2010 at 08:35 PM.
Thank you Affaircare! No offense, but this is the first post of yours that I have been in complete agreement with! So what would you do? Our 'temporary' arrangement was; she comes home @ 6am so I could go to work and she could get the boys off to school. Then she spends the day with 18m old D, picks boys up from school, waits for me to get home @ 5pm, then leaves for the night. The only request I agreed to is that once or twice a week she would bring them overnight with her to her parents house where she (claimed) to be staying. I thought this was a reasnoble arrangement untill we felt able to make a more permanent plan. Now what? Should I keep them from her unless I am there too? Can I do this legally? For how long? One of her girlfriends recently did this same thing to her H and somehow managed to turn the kids against there father so that today he only sees them a handfull of times a year. She has made a point to remind me of that already. How do I do this with enough force to do right for my kids, but with enough diplomacy that I dont inflict unnecesary conflict?
Thanks again Affiarcare. (now theres 2 posts!) I agree with ALL you are saying. My issue right now is timing. kids are sleeping/have school tomorrow, she will be here in the morning. I realize the urgency here, but would it not make sense to do this tomorrow after school so we have the weekend together to reasure? Also, I realize that W is digging her own hole here, but do you think it would be better to include her in breaking it to them so they can see that we are still united in their support? I dont want them to feel like I am the one 'taking' them from their mother
HYnd, get a lawyer ASAP. Start a journal documenting her actions times, dates, etc. You want a record so it isn't just your "memory" of events. I agree with most of what Affaircare said, but not the part about talking about husband and wife and what the OM is to her. Just that the two of you are having issues -- and they need to be in bed like normal, etc.
She obviously broke the agreement you had about the kids being at her mothers with her. Let her know this is unacceptable. She has all the time to be with OM without taking them. Simply put disgusting.
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Kindness, Caring, Love and Understanding for Me, for Her and my son. Well not so much for Her anymore.
actually left a message with a lawyer today, didnt get back to me. That is priority tomorrow as is canceling bank accounts. So how do I prove the documentation, or do I have to? her word against mine?
No, i did transactional law -- real estate, mergers and acquisitions, the evil structure finance (you know the stuff that "melted down the banks" -- the stuff Obama and Paul Volcker hated CBOs, derviatives, off balance sheet stuff). But I can tell you documentation is taken seriously -- even in she said he said situations. Because you aren't relying on memory -- you recorded it down as factual. And that is all you do -- facts, no emotion.
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Kindness, Caring, Love and Understanding for Me, for Her and my son. Well not so much for Her anymore.
#1--talking to the kids was an example. if you want to leave out what she is to OM that's cool beans. Keep it on "moms and dads love each other and don't have other boyfriends or girlfriends" and "even when it's hard or scary I tell the truth to people I love". They'll get the message.
#2--I personally got one of those Daytimer daily appointment books with lines for each hour, and if something occurred that showed irresponsibility (like breaking a promise, not showing on schedule, not paying a support payment, things that might harm or scare the kids, etc.) I just wrote it on the calendar at that moment. Then I submitted the whole calendar as evidence.
Regarding the timing of when to do thing, Hynd you are there and know all the details and I do not. You don't seem utterly unreasonable so I will encourage you to use your best judgment about "when" but also encourage you to be assertive on behalf of your children.
It may be that you'll need to take a few days off to get things like child care straightened out. I would not allow her to be your daily child care in your home, nor would I allow her to take them out of the home. Possibly a nanny or au pair would be cool...or speak to work and see if you can telecommute after 3pm or come in earlier so you can leave work to pick them up or take lunch at pick them up time, drop them safely at home with the nanny, and then return to work... You are a wise, brave, strong, smart man--and I have every confidence you can figure this out. Given the sitch I would think offering every other weekend visitation with wife at her parents--you drop them off in the am Saturday and pick them up in the pm Sunday at the grandfolks' house--is reasonable.
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Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare
LOL Oh I love her--seriously Do you hear the "Disloyal Dizziness" in her statements or is it just me?
Quote:
Originally Posted by hyndsight1
her- Ive decided to terminate the pregnancy
me-?
her- things arent going to work out with OM
NO! Really? Couldn't see that one coming. You mean the man who is more than willing to seduce a married woman away from her devoted husband and tear her away from her children...isn't a man of character and was looking for a quick fling and not a lifetime commitment to a woman with three children? HUH....
Quote:
her- I know you don't want me here but I feel I have a right to my home. If you cant live with me maybe you should think about moving out.
How about NO!? You are the stable one honoring your vows and family. You are the one who is being faithful. You have the income to pay the bills. Nope, you aren't going ANYWHERE. *She* is the one willing to leave everything for OM. *She* is the one who is leaving her family and children...and the home where she ought to be.
NO-NO-NO-NO-NO. If anyone is moving out, it's her. You have earned the right to the house and the kids, and her actions have indicated she cares about nothing and no one but herself. I suspect she knows darn well she has made some REALLY bad choices and now she's trying to hedge her bets. She figures she *has to* divorce you now, so she might as well try to get everything. My thought would be to continue to be civil, polite, kind, etc. but nope--allow her to experience the consequence of her choices.
(FYI--this is why my Dear Hubby and I so much encourage every person to try to save their marriage if at all possible. The fact of the matter is that even if you take the high road and you were the loyal spouse...divorce leads to a ripple of damage and destruction you can not imagine. Even if you are moral and ethical, you WILL lose things that are very precious to you. So yeah--she will learn QUICKLY to never be unfaithful again if she's allowed to experience the consequence of losing her children and home over it.)
Quote:
her-my lawyer said if I wanted I could have the house, the kids, everything.
NOPE! If her lawyer told her that, the lawyer was lying. In reality, best case scenario the house will probably be sold "short sale" and all equity lost. In case she missed it, the economy is bad for house sales right now--and if she chooses to move forward with divorce, you two go entirely separate ways and you're not responsible for her anymore. If she's been a SAHM, you may have to pay for 2 or 3 years for the time it would take her to go to college, get an AA and get a job...but after that she'd be on her own. And yep you'd have to contribute to supporting your children, but since they would be "homebase" with you and visiting her, it probably wouldn't be too much. I'm sorry but this is nothing but "Disloyal Dizziness" and not related to reality in the least!
My guess would be that the OM is dumping her, and she thinks she's messed up so bad now that there is no way she can do anything but ditch the marriage. So still in her fogspeak she's trying to work it like she envisioned it--she gets your house, kids and money and the OM in your place, and you just accept that and disappear with no fight.
__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare
Re: foresight
Do you hear the "Disloyal Dizziness" in her statements or is it just me? 
