Help239

I feel your pain. Document all of the inappropriate behavior. I have been doing so for 4 months. My W filed a restraining order based on lies but still got me out of the house for 3 weeks until a judge overturned it. She filed for divorce in Oct 09 and I found out about the affair shortly thereafter.

In the beginning she HAD the house - now I live in it. She WANTED 100% custody, now it's 50/50 and I am bound and determined to get primary custody due to her outrageous behavior with the OM involving our children. Taking kids to the OMs house is bad, but try moving the OM INTO our house. Yeah, it's bad but I have my mind set on protecting our kids and doing what's right for them. Bring it!

Hang in there an PM me if you need to vent!!!!

hyndsight1

Affaircare, thanks again for the encouraging words.


This is what I have had so much trouble with over the past few weeks, but as you can tell, I dont have much to work with!

Help239, wow, I sympathize, and pray that things do not get this out of hand. Good to see you have realy turned things around.

Help239

Yes, much to her surprise. I am well represented legally and that has made all of the difference. I was literally ONE day away from giving her all she wanted because I originally didn't take any legal action to protect my rights. In this state the petition becomes a court order in 30 days if it isn't responded to. I am SO glad I obtained legal support in time.

Keep posting and you will learn from everyone's experiences. I sympathize with you and wish you the best.

hyndsight1

So heres the update; W comes home this morning and basically asks 'where we stand'. I say that, based on the last few days I am considering arranging child care and coming up with a more defined visitation agreement. She takes this as "you are trying to pay me back". Then I make it very clear that my actions are in the interest of the kids and if I did want to "get her back", the last thing a responsible parent would do is involve the children. (like, putting them in this position in the first place!) While wer'e on the subject of responsibility, I bring up 'movie night' again, and she still doesn't get it. She admits that she would have handled it differently, but still does not consider it wrong. So I end it by saying "I do not want to take our childrens mother from them, but the only way we can do this 50/50 is if 1) My decisions will trump when it comes to kids/OM 2) There will be NO turning kids against either parent. Her coment is "All I can tell you is that it realy sucks to be a father going through divorce in the state of Maine". Huh...you don't scare me... This is the first time we have talked since yesterday morning and needless to say, boundries are pretty vague right now. (AC, believe me, I'm NOT ignoring your advice), and Help, sorry for using you for an example here, but I am treading a VERY thin line; I realize what it might come to, but I am trying realy hard to avoid the bitter legal battle and the damage that would cause. At the same time I can't sit back and let her be in control and do as she pleases. As I was leaving, W did come over and put her arm around me and say "We are both the best mom and dad and I know we can make this work for them" (We? I'm thinking).
My other concern right now is feeling unprepared for the legal stuff. I have an appointment with a lawyer monday (lol: after going to jury selection!!!!) and should have finances 'secured' by tuesday. Hope I'm still ahead of her. (She did confess that her appointment with a lawyer was tuesday, so I think she was bluffing before) Ahhhhhhh....it goes like this for a while and then it gets worse......

Notaclue

Sorry to hear what she is doing Hyndsight, but you are doing the right things. I think the documentation thing is the right idea. I can tell you that in FL, a no fault state, that the judges still look at adultery and decide many times to award the custody on things like that. Sometimes the mother ends up paying child support if she is the cheater.

I don't know anything about Maine, but I think in your case with all that has happened you have a pretty strong arguement. Just a random thought, but I think you may also want to hire a PI to take some Pics if it starts to get ugly.

hyndsight1

Thanks Notaclue,
I only know that Maine too is a 'no fault state', lots of questions for the lawyer on monday. I would like to think that after this morning she realizes how strongly I feel about her doing anything with kids/OM and this won't be an issue again, but I'll keep an eye out.

turnera

Document EVERYTHING. And shop laywers like crazy! This is your kids' future involved.

Affaircare

Yeah note to self: Lawyers are not in it to do "the right thing" or even necessarily to do the best thing for their client--they are in it for the billable hours. So remember, that like a doctor, YOU are in charge of the lawyer and direct them what you want them to do--not the other way around. Let the lawyer advise you, and then you tell the lawyer how you want it handled. Make sense? Any time you say prime goal is protect my rights and kids, secondary goal is be fair and then they won't listen and do the cut-throat or incur an argument to get more billable hours...cut them loose.

By the way, I was just wondering where your wife is getting the fundage to go to a lawyer and file all these legal fees? I'm assuming she has her own job and is working to pay for her spending family money to break up the family...right? :P If she wants/expects you to pay for her lawyer, let a judge tell you that. Until then, I would say "Work for your own money because mine isn't paying for you to divorce me and leave my kids."

I know...I know. I'm such a meanie! lol :P For your info, here's a comprehensive guide to divorce in Maine. Maine does have "no-fault" but I also see that grounds can be declared. I say if she is determined to go through with this, that you be sure the grounds of adultery are on the divorce papers. Also, I see that Maine, like most states, strongly encourages the spouses to reach a settlement on property and debt issues before making a judge decide for you. If this is what you decide to do, you may want to draw up an actually fair settlement offer for custody, child support, property, and debt...and have your lawyer give it to her lawyer. "Fair" in this instance means: Custody is joint parental decision-making, kids "homebase" with you and she sees them every Wed. and every other weekend; Child Support (just use the calculator and plug in real numbers and offer that); Property is selling the house and each getting your own townhome or apartment as you're able, and just agreeing on dividing "things" (assuming kids stay with you); and debt would be listing HER debt which she keeps, YOUR debt which you keep, and BOTH debt which is split down the middle. If she has been a SAHM I'd say don't offer spousal support but maybe offer to take her college debt that she would incur to go to school and get a degree so she can get a J.O.B. llike the rest of us. :P

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare

hyndsight1

I almost asked her the same thing today!!!

OK, since you brought it up I've gotta make a confession.
If you were to ask my wife the one thing she would have changed about me, it would be that I work too much. OK, I'll take the blame for that, but given a few reasons, I dont think it is totally unjustified.
First of all, she knew from day 1 that I was a driven, motivated, hard worker. In fact, I can remember the day I asked her out I confessed that I was working out of town temporarily and we wouldn't be able to see much of each other for a while. (see how I swept her off her feet!) On average now I work about 50 hours a week, but keep in mind that the minute I punch out, my time is entirly devoted to family, (oh yea, another textbook 'nice guy' over here). She has always been a 'live for the moment' type, while I am realistic, looking to the future. So due to my efforts, (not discounting hers as a mother at all) we are, (were) in a pretty good place. No debt other than 1/3 value of a NICE house, (I built the house, so most of the equity is sweat equity), 3 cars, 2 boats, motorcycles, blah blah blah (not bragging, just reporting). She lives a charmed life; before we married she worked as a CNA but since has only had a few part time jobs that never once contributed to the family bank account (her money). Did these issues bring us here? probably contributed.......BUT I am pretty sure the affair would have happened any way.
So where is her fundage? I dont think even she knows. Maybe she will get a rude awakening when she realizes she has no access to our accounts anymore. I do know that about a month ago she was offered her old job (CNA) back and made no effort to take it. I think she has some growing up to do...........
Ok, weak moment, I feel better now.

I hear you about the lawyer thing, just need some questions answered ASAP, then do some more research on them.

The custody thing I fear is going to be the most difficult part; I honestly don't want to take their mother from them, she is a great mom, albeit a little shortsighted. I'm not sure what she was thinking bringing them to OM so soon. Maybe this is just a commonly accepted scenario and dad is expected to bow out, or I guess some guys like the new freedom in their lives? I dont get it. Alot of the custody thing will be dependant on her choices over the next few weeks. Child care is also a HUGE issue. I simply couldn't afford it long term and we realy don't have many available people to help us out.

Thanks again for the research AC! very helpful

Atholk

My question is "do you want her back?"

Is there a way you are willing to have her come back? I.e. abortion, drop the other guy, marriage counseling, apologize etc. Some sort of check list of criteria she understands she has to keep to in order to return as a clear option.

Or are you just done and heading to divorce court no matter how much she wants to return?

__________________
I do a lot of commenting here and love helping, but much of my best work and most coherent overview of how married men can have the best sex and relationship with their wife is done on my blog at http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/

hyndsight1

Good question; first time I've heard it from someone other than myself.
I know people 'forgive', but I cant even begin to at this point, in time? I don't know.
The abortion issue is huge to me; I have always believed there may be a place for an abortion, (incest and rape), but this is not it. This child is their responsibility, and if they can't raise it she should consider adoption. (other implications involving affects to our kids/her pregnancy?????).
Knowing her 'motivation' and my criteria for return, I find it very difficult to believe that she would be able to hold up her end of the bargain.
Looking at the situation realistically, I would give it 99% failure no matter how much effort I put in. Is that 1% worth months, possibly years of our lives striving for something that might not work? Is that 1% worth a shot? for our kids? life is short........

bestplayer

can't believe she had the courage to ask this ? I am sure she has convinced u that whatever happened it was ur fault as well . I think u r still being a nice guy and she is trying to benifit as much as she can from u. If u want to get over this , just kick her out of ur life completely .

Best of luck

Atholk

Well if she's basically crossed the uncrossable line, then just plow ahead with the divorce and play that out as best you can. I'd use the board here for moral support, but use actual lawyers for actual advice in the legal battle ahead.

If my wife ever became pregnant to someone else, I believe I would end it instantly as well. So I certainly don't disagree with that. It's disappointing that she was so stupid. It's one thing to have an affair... I understand the temptations there, but she getting pregnant was just frakking stupid. I'm not sure I'd be divorcing for the affair itself, but I just personally couldn't stay married to such a dumbass.

__________________
I do a lot of commenting here and love helping, but much of my best work and most coherent overview of how married men can have the best sex and relationship with their wife is done on my blog at http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/

sisters359

I haven't read everything on p3 yet but I'm seeing some very misleading and damaging advice/ideas here.

You cannot control what she does with the kids, period. If you get divorced and she has 50/50 custody, what they do when with her is up to her. Absent some true negligence or physical endangerment, the court will NOT care about anything she does. The court does NOT judge morality.

Think long and hard about this. You get divorced, you lose the ability to control what she does with them--completely.

2nd, everything you say to them about their mother's affair is "splitting" them--that means, it will leave them feeling they need to "choose sides," and that is what damages kids in divorce. Read the research. You should say nothing judgmental about her relationship with the OM. Refer all questions about it back to her. Your actions now, by NOT splitting them, will demonstrate to them, down the road, that YOU are the better person. If they see her affair, and then see how you used it to sway them against their mother (and that's what it is, b/c it cannot be justified as "the truth" since it is a partial truth, that does not focus on the breakdown of the marriage and your mutual roles in it) they may well end up forgiving their mother and angry at you. Bitterness in the name of honesty is very hurtful to your children. Please, take heed. Most people do not understand this. They think, why should I "protect" my cheating spouse from the consequences of her actions? You are not: you are protecting the kids from those consequences until they are old enough to figure it out on their own and make their own judgments. Your actions--forgiving her and taking her back, or getting divorced--will tell the kids a lot about you--and either choice will show them you are a good, multi-faceted person who acted in their best interest.

All you need to say is that h&w sometimes have problems they cannot work out and that leads to divorce. When people get divorced, they may have new bfs or gfs. If they want to know what the "problems" are, you need to let them know these are adult problems that children cannot solve (because that's why they want to know, so they can offer solutions, sweet kids!) and you are o.k. with the divorce. You love them and NOTHING they did caused the problems in the marriage; you will always be their dad and part of their life; and they will be safe and secure. These last three things should be repeated in various ways over and over again. They will need lots of reassurance. Your anger and bitterness--and desire for revenge, which is why you want the kids to know it is "her" fault--will only hurt them.

I've done a lot of research on this issue and you will find I am right. The advice to tell them anything about what mommy did is dead wrong and hurts the kids. Any attempt you make to justify doing so will simply be rationalizing a reason to pursue your real goal: getting the kids to blame mommy. That is so bad for them. They'll figure it out when they are older--that she cheated--and be more able to handle it. Don't force on them something that should NOT come from you and that they are NOT ready to handle.

sisters359

Atholk said,

Now that's funny. sorry, this is a serious issue but the comment really cuts to the heart of the matter in such a great way.