For those of you who I am already aquainted with, thank you for your continued support. For eveyone else, I look foward to your input.
I would like to start this thread in the spirit of optimism.
No-one can predict the future, and there is no future living in the past. But we can use our past as a tool with which to shape our future.
So this is how I got here:
Met the love of my life in high school.
Married 7 years later.
Over the next 6 years our 3 perfect children.
Until very recently we had EVERYTHING. The whole 2 cars in the garage and white picket fence thing.
1-2-10 after months of suspect behaviors, my wifes phone register finally calls here bluff.
The next 3 weeks I spend bailing and fixing leaks while she just stands back watching and wondering when might be a good time to tell me shes pregnant with his kid.
How did this happen? We went from being the benchmark to nothing, overnight, for ?
Was our marriage perfect? of course not. Were our problems big enough to "justify" this. Not in a million years.
So today I remove my thoughts from our failed marriage and refocus them on what lies ahead. I am buying into the wisdom of many around here, and for the first time in my life I will concentrtate on myself.
My wife removed me from her list of responsibilities a long time ago. Now it is time for me to do the same.
I dedicate my struggle to my children, for without them I surely would not be here. I hope someday I will be able to pass them the lessons I have learned in a way that they may not make the same mistakes.
I am so sorry for the troubles you are facing at this time. I really can't imagine how difficult this time is for you and your children. I believe you need to focus on yourself and your children at this point. Your wife has made decisions in which you can't take the responsibility in helping her deal with. It just hurts so much in knowing that you can't change the past. Live for a better future, that all any of us can do. I have been married for 29 years, and now separated for 5 months. It does get easier I can tell you that much. If you look closely at your marriage you will see the cracks more clearly and then know you are ready for a much better future. Keep posting and let us all know how your doing.
My prayers are with you!
Sharon
The hard part for me to swallow is being so oblivious to the affair in its early stages, when I know I could have stopped it. Why is it so hard to approach your spouse and say 'we have a problem' before it is too late. Even if I couldnt have stopped it, I deserved the chance..........
Welcome to the forum. Besides focusing on you and the kids and re-prioritizing your life, I think you should meditate on the fact that her cheating on you and getting pregnant by another man has nothing to do with you.
Or actually, I guess that's something to meditate on.
I am assuming you weren't physically neglectful, it sounds like you provided well and were around for your kids and her most of the time, even if you have to work, striking that difficult balance between work and family.
The reasons I find for cheating come down to the 7 Deadly Sins. I am not much for worship but I find those do explain a lot of behavior.
She could have done it out of lust, anger, gluttony (men are often guilty of this one - they have an adequate amount of sex at home, have a great wife, but just want more), sloth (like you note - didn't want to confront a problem), greed. . .the point is, you shouldn't obsess about what you could have done to prevent it. That's one of the more insidious consequences of affairs/cheating - it leaves the other partner in a constant state of self-improvement and self-analysis when it has nothing to do with them (often. . .I am not saying that there's never a reason for cheating but its not correct to accept entire blame). Just accept she did very wrong and move on.
Looking for oppinions on this one; so far our boys, (6 and 7 years old) only know that mommy and daddy have to take time apart to 'think', and thats why she has been spending nights with her mother, (their Nana). Today W asks if it is OK if she brings the kids to OM house for dinner. (they know who he is, but only that he is a 'friend'). How should I handle this?
How would that make you feel? Start there. You need to set your boundaries with your w on this now. Don't worry if "she gets mad" You need to be true to yourself to begin with or you will resent her even more. When doing this be firm/assertive and gentle. Done without anger. Be confident in yourself.
Personally I believe her request to be totally inapproriate. This is a trying time on your children whether she realizes it or not. Keep your focus on what is right for them -- and continually show them and tell them you love them.
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Kindness, Caring, Love and Understanding for Me, for Her and my son. Well not so much for Her anymore.
Looking for oppinions on this one; so far our boys, (6 and 7 years old) only know that mommy and daddy have to take time apart to 'think', and thats why she has been spending nights with her mother, (their Nana). Today W asks if it is OK if she brings the kids to OM house for dinner. (they know who he is, but only that he is a 'friend'). How should I handle this?
No way, no how. They shouldn't be involved with this person and shouldn't be allowed to be in the middle of this mess right now.
My thoughts exactly, thanks for the affirmation. I fumed about this all afternoon and when I came home to confront her I basically said "How do you think they will feel when they find out the truth? betrayed? lied to? She said she would respect my point of view but dissagreed. Said they should 'get to know him first'. Just what they need; to be around them on their 'honeymoon'. FA: this firm, assertive, and gentle thing is ROUGH. I try to hide my feelings of resent and to date have not blown up at her, but find myself just doint the 'silent treatment' just to keep in control.
guess thats sort of what I have been telling myself: instant gratification in letting her know how I REALY feel, but probably not so productive in the long run.
Hynd: Know that whatever you say, it won't matter much to her. This is not me being ugly but the truth as it stands now.
Firm and assertive is a way to show that you are in control even when you don't feel like you are....
I agree with the other posters that the kids should have little if any contact with the OM. Unfortunately, she may still do what she wants as she has done thus far.
Hynd, I know what you mean. Better to stay cold and detached then to let her get you visibly upset. You need to stay straight and true for you children and show them a perfect example of a good father.
Eventually the truth will come out and they will see what their mother has done. They will figure it on their own soon enough when their half brother/sister arrives.
CW, thats actually exactly what I told her earlier: 'you have been getting your way for a long time now. I dont care if you still lie to me but I draw the line when it comes to our children. If think they are prepared to know the truth now then so be it, but dont decieve them'.
Notaclue, her reply was 'they're going to have to know before I start 'showing'
They/we are not ready for them to know yet. I dread the day
Sue for divorce and child support from her on grounds of abandonment.
The biological father may not matter in terms of future child support if you are still her husband at the time of birth.
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I do a lot of commenting here and love helping, but much of my best work and most coherent overview of how married men can have the best sex and relationship with their wife is done on my blog at http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/
I'll admit I know nothing about the legal aspects yet, but after today that is my top priority. She has been a SAHM for 8 years, so suing probably wouldnt do much. I think Maine is a no fault state but not sure what the implications are. I have already told her that if she continues the pregnancy that we will divorce before she delivers.
foresight
