Hello all....this is going to be long. This is going to be kind of my online divorce diary of sorts. So first I'll write the background and history...and then post as life goes on. Feel free to read it or ignore it. Comment or not. Laugh, cry, give advice....or whatever.
In Nov of 08 my "perfect" h left me. Within the following weeks I discovered he had another woman he was planning on moving in with...found hundreds of emails to other women (including hookers) asking for sex. I know he met at least some of these woman. While we were separated he continued to sleep with other women including his ex wife. Through some bizarre circumstances, we ended up giving our marriage another go. We talked...alot...went to counseling and tried to get past everything. This past Dec, I asked him to leave. The bottom line is I do not feel he is trustworthy in any way. I think he says what is needed to smooth things over and thats about it. Wow this has gotta be the shortest version I have ever written about what happened! Feel free to ask questions if you want more details or info....
So since he left...he has been back to my house twice....to gather and take his belongings. Both times he was able to see his son. At Christmas, we were getting along very well and my other 4 children were visiting their dad so I took my little guy up (he lives about 1 1/2 hours from me) to see his dad. We stayed there for three days. It was a nice pleasant visit. Unfortunately, that is the last time my little guy has seen his dad. Kevin keeps coming up with reasons why he can't come down to see his son....or why his son can't visit him. I don't know when the reasons are valid and when they aren't. It's so frustrating!
Heres a little time line of how January went.
Jan 5: Said he could come down, canceled...reason was he had to work.
Jan 12:He had the day off...but was too mad at me to come see his son.
The week of Jan 17th to the 23rd: Told me he wants to start taking the little guy every weekend. I said that wasn't fair as we both work and I should get some weekends with him too. Huge fight followed. I was accused of not allowing him to see his son and trying to keep them apart. We finally compromised on every other weekend and on the opposite weeks he could have him on his days off during the week.
Here are a few of my issues with N (little guys initial) seeing his dad at all...Kevin works as a tow truck driver and he is on call 24hours a day except for his days off, and he has to stay within a certain area of the town so he can respond quickly to calls. He rents a house form another guy and there is another room mate as well. When Kevin first talked of N visiting, he was on call 24/7 with no time off....and when I asked who would watch N, Kevin said his roommate would. Keep in mind that Kevin had just met this people the week before. I was totally uncomfortable with that idea. And then later I find out that the roommate he was going to leave N with is a convicted felon....as is the other roommate! Not ok with me! And to think Kevin would of gladly left our son with these men with no problems! Ugh! On top of that...the room mate who actually rents the house....runs a halfway house, and often men will stay at their house while "transitioning" into the real world. Totally not comfortable with the situation. At this point I don't trust Kevin’s judgment at all. It sucks.
This week he was supposed to come see his son on Wednesday, he said he would be here around noon. At 11:45 I text him to find out if he was close....he hadn't even left yet. Then 45 mins later I get a text saying his car broke down and he couldn't come. The following day Kevin lost his job. Yesterday I offered to pay his gas money so he could come down....he said he would let me know...I finally heard from him this afternoon when I texted him...saying he had exactly 20 cents to his name and can't even make it down here to get the gas money I agreed to give him. Pathetic!
I guess thats enough for now. Sorry...lots of rambling...I know.
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One breath at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. I will survive!
Today was supposed to be the first day and night for little guy to go see his dad. No call, no email, nothing. Guess he's not going to see him.
N has been asking about and talking about his dad everyday. How do you explain to a four year old this kind of situation? I just tell him I don't know...and leave it at that.
I want this divorce done....I'm gonna work on the papers tonight finally. And since hter is no decent communication with Kevin, I guess I will just fill them out how I think they should be and argue it out in court. Grrr....I hate this.
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One breath at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. I will survive!
When your little guy N asks about his dad, I would suggest saying that while mommy and daddy were married, daddy had girlfriends and now he has decided to move away. Tell him that it makes you sad that daddy decided that but that you will never leave him and you'll work hard to be sure he gets to see his daddy as often as he can.
Then if you have to, get K and your little N and take them to McD's Playland and give them a buck or two for lunch.
Yes--K is being a bit irresponsible ditching his son like this, and it is his job to be a dad and have a little money to see his son and arrange it, etc. BUT your little guy's need to see his father outweighs the fact that K is dishonoring his obligations. For now, if you have to, arrange for McD playtimes...sandwiches from the dollar menu...pick K up and drop him off if need be. But get it done.
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Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare
You are in a tough situation, and from your words I admire your strength. Dealing with a father who gives the impression or is constantly making excuse for not seeing the kids hurts, I know. However I disagree with the above poster. From what it sounds like your ex is "toxic" and possibly even unstable and unless he really is genuinely reaching out to spend time with your son I would not bend over backwards for him. Yes your son needs/wants to see his dad, totally understandable. But his needs for safety come before what he perceives as being with his daddy. By all means if oppurtunities come up where the two can be together and YOU are comfortable with it, than yes. But no I don't believe you need to bend over backwards, you have enough on your plate and your children's safety comes first.
Affaircare....I don't think a 4 year old needs to hear about daddys girlfriends. And I have offered twice to pay his gas down here. We don't live close, and I don't have the time or money on a regular basis to arrage father/son playdates. I do what I can....but can only do so much. I did offer one time to take N to see his dad...and his dad still found excuses for it not to happen.
Ash22....I would love it if I could control when, where and who is involoved with the visits between N and his dad. I don't think Kevin is responsible at all.
Now I did recieve a text from Kevin this evening. It seems he wants to come see N at my house tomorrow. As much as I don't want to see K or deal with him...I think this is as close to a win/win situation as it can get! So we will see if he actually shows up. I hope so, N wants to see his dad soooo bad!
Thanks for the support and advice.
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One breath at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. I will survive!
Well, Kevin showed up to see his son. He was here an hour and a half before he got too mad at me and left.
I can't take the kids to my house because my roommates are drunk criminals.
Ok, so you won't be taking N until you find another place?
No I want to take him next week.
That doesn't work for me.
If you want me out of his life just tell me and I'll stay away.
That would be great....lets do that.
Hell no! How dare you even say that!
Well...it was your suggestion....
And that was the end of his visit with his son. He was here and hour and a half. He stormed out of the house and peeled out of the driveway in his oh so cool corvette that he just had to have! I don't even know what to say...ugh!
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One breath at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. I will survive!
Can we say immature??? Cause he can act it!!! So I have offered him gas money everyday this week to come see his son. Nope....too busy...too stressed...and any other excuse you can think of! I can understand that he might not want to except money from me...but come on! This is for his son! So he has now pawned his gun, his big lcd tv...the PS3 I think....and is talking about maybe needing to sell his car to pay bills. And then he turns around and asks me for the truck thats in my name saying he will make the payments! Hell No!!! I mean seriously???
The other thing that if driving me crazy is that every time he talks to his son on the phone (which is only when I text and ask him to) he tells the little guy that he well be down to see him soon....and it never happens! Grrrr....!
And holy smokes....we are so arguing over how the bills should be split and payed....he is not being reasonable about it at all! He is going to drive me crazy!
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One breath at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. I will survive!
I understand how much you want him to be involved with your son. It would drive me crazy to feel the pain of my son wanting his dad....
However, he doesn't have his act together in the least. He's a man of broken promises. Your son is already learning that at a young age.
I would simple tell your H that he's welcome to visit, call, etc at any time to contact your son. However, you will quit being the nag/*****/gripe that encourages it! It will be up to him to show your son how much he loves him.
Why put yourself and your son through the mill....just let it lie. What you have been doing isn't working. Try something different to gain some peace.
I have to say I really admire your strength! What an a$# he is to show up in a corvette but doesn't have the money to visit his son!
Corpuswife-You give great advice! I second what you said!
I can only imagine how much you must hurt for your son when he does this to him. It makes me so angry when two parents split up and are so hateful....after all it is the kids who are affected the most. I really hope he can get his act together for his son.
Yes corpuswife you do give great advice....its hard to just sit back and not feel the need to try for my sons sake. But really he's leaving me no choice. Afterall the definition of insantiy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So if I don't change something then he literally will drive me insane! Besides...these are a lot of the reasons I asked him to leave in the first place, so really why sdo I expect anything different!?!
Thank for the support whattodo and corpuswife....sometimes the answers are so simple but I still need someone to point them out to me! lol
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One breath at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. I will survive!
Believe me, I can sit here and give advice til I'm blue in the face until something happens to me and then I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to figure out what to do...when I know the answer myself. For me, I know the truth I guess, but am not confident enough in myself to stand my ground.
I could not imagine the wild craze I would be in if H acted like he didn't want to see my daughter......You are doing an excellent job!
Thank you...honestly I feel like he's a child that I need to sit down and expalin this all to....like how it affects his son....what he should be doing...how to get himself out of this mess he's in...yada, yada, yada. But really he's worse than a child since he refuses to listen or be reasonable in any way. So it is what it is. Until he decides to change things this is what I have to work with. But I think I will stop stressing about it....and certainly stop trying to "fix" his behavior. I will just love my son with all of my heart and do everything I can for him. It really sucks....I have 4 other children that have lived with Kevin for the past 5 years. My seven year old has called him dad since he was two. But I can't even get Kevin to spend time with his own son....so theres no chance for my seven year old. It's sad...it sucks. Kevin says he loves my boys like his own...and I guess maybe thats true....none of him are all that important to him...including his own.....ugh....
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One breath at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. I will survive!
CW is right, I have witnessed this one first hand. Your son is understandably hurt by the absence of his father, but you do not owe this to him. You need to be faithfull to your relatonship with your son and not let this situation cloud that. Provide him with all the warmth, safety, and stability you can, while leaving the door open for dad, and know that is the best you can do. The rest is up to his father.
Heck, at this point, it doesn't even sound like dad is the best influence to have around anyway:
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He stormed out of the house and peeled out of the driveway in his oh so cool corvette that he just had to have!
Realy? What does this teach your son? I bet even a 4 year old has more common sense.
Just step back, take a deep breath, and resign from trying to reform this guy. Good luck.
Thank you so much...all of you...its nice to have support and kind words. I look back and its hard to remember all of the reasons I ever fell in love with him to begin with! Yes he has some good qualities...but they sure are overshadowed at the moment!
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One breath at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time. I will survive!
Divorce Drama....day by day....
Feel free to ask questions if you want more details or info....
