klgray

I am so glad that I found such a forum, much needed. I'll cut to the chase...

My wife and I have been married for 7 years, she is 37 and I am 30. I married her right out of college and I am her 3rd husband. After college I went to play basketball professionally and came back to the states after her father passed, I decided to stay and go to graduate school. We moved away from her hometown to a place in the south that was foreign to both of us but a lot of fun. The problem was that I had too much fun; I was a 23 y/o w/ a home on a golf course and a good job and in school. I used that time to become involved w/ other women. I was sexually involved w/ some women and engaged in inappropriate behavior w/ others(conversation, email…ect). My wife found out about many of my indiscretions and this obviously caused a strain on our marriage.

My wife is very attractive, breath-taking to be exact, so my transgressions had nothing to do w/ her looks. We argued all the time about my children from my previous relationship (12 and 11 now), I wanted them to live w/ us in our 4 bedroom house and she didn't. She became so angry about the situation on several occasions that she would get my kids pictures and cut them up. In addition, we would argue about things that I wanted to do (hanging out and going to clubs and bars) that she didn't feel like doing. (My wife's idea of fun is going to grab coffee, and talk...to me it's relaxing, not fun...) And we would argue about a host of other things, sometimes our sex life, which was not bad, but my sex drive was very high and her's was not as high so I always wanted more.

I started to find outlets in other women strictly as sexual partners who would do what my wife wouldn't and that was the sole reason. It was not until later that I looked for emotional comfort from other women, just for them to hear me talk and to stroke my ego a little bit.
Fast forward to today... about 6 months ago, I decided to end all questionable activity that involved another woman. If my wife didn't like her or was not comfortable with the situation (co worker or whatever) she was gone. I just wanted to strengthen my family (we have a 4 yo now). We have been struggling financially over the past 2 1/2 years as a result of lost jobs, lost homes, ect. Within the last year, we have become employed and I feel like we are able to move forward and begin rebuilding financially.
On Jan 3 my wife had to take a trip about 5 hours away for business. She told me that her girlfriend would be going with her so I was at ease w/ letting her go so far away alone. Then she later told me that her friend was not going, and that she would be going by herself. She said that she would be fine and put my mind at ease. She sent me a text saying that she was checking into a hotel for the night, so I told her that I would talk to her the next day. The following day, I called to check on her and I got no answer from her. I called and called and finally decided to check with the place that she was going. I spoke with an a person there and they told me that " Yes Mrs. X is here and she and her husband will be finishing shortly". I was floored after hearing this, so I called someone else at the place and I got the same response, "yes, she is here and she and the gentleman will be leaving soon”: mad:

I immediately got a pain down my neck that lasted for 2 weeks following all of this. I called her, got a hold of her and she denied being with anyone for 10 minutes. Finally, she broke and told me that it was a guy that I was familiar with. Apparently, he had taken the trip down with her and stayed in the hotel overnight with her.

This was a guy whom she had been involved with since her childhood. He was her first sexually, dated her from the time that she was 12 yo until about 19 yo. At the time he was a friend of her family's and about 19 or 20 when they began their relationship. This guy was calling my house about 2 years ago and I told him never to call my house again. After that I didn't give it anymore thought.
She later told me that she contacted him and asked him to come with her. I was under the impression that things were getting better w/ us, we didn't argue as much, but she was talking to some another guy on the phone and had seen him this other guy for dinner about 4 months ago, but I got over that. Now all of a sudden, it was this.

Our lease was up at our apartment this month so she moved out with our child and has since been acting like I am the one who did something to her. She will barely return my texts and won't pick up the when I call and only calls me if she needs something; sex, something from the store, pictures hung, ect...Why is she acting like this. She acts as if though I annoy her when I'm around and does not want to kiss me or for me to caress her, which is all that I want to do. We went to counseling last week and at the end of the session, the counselor asked, "what are you hoping to get out of this", she said " he wanted to do this and set this up and I agreed and I am just hoping that we are able to be cordial and good parents for our child".

She says that she wants time to figure out what she wants to do and that she is not sure yet if she wants to be married. She says that she needs some space to figure things out.

I am absolutely miserable w/o my family, I think about them all the time. I see my daughter daily but me and my wife's schedules conflict so she’s usually sleep or tired or some other excuse. She revealed in the counseling session that the guy she went away with is newly divorced and she enjoys catching up and reminiscing with him.

I find myself feeling depressed and out of it. I need solace to figure out what my next move needs to be. I move out of our old place soon, so a change of space w/o the memories will help. I keep telling myself, I am a 6'8'in tall young man, w/ a great job, I shouldn't be this mass of mental mush, I'm better than this, let her go.... but I can't... I always let her know that, but I try not to for fear of overkill....

Can someone please provide me w/ some insight? Share your experiences w/ me. I want to learn from this and know what it is that I need to do next.

Is she pushing me away to begin a relationship with her old love?? What do you folks think?

TNgirl232

I'm not trying to be cruel....but you cheated on her for years and years...and now that the coin is flipped you can't handle it. Think of what all of what you did to her affected her? This is one affair - how many did you have. I think at this point there is to much toxin in the marriage to bail it out.

turnera

I don't blame her for leaving you. I don't blame you for leaving her. You BOTH cheated. Neither one of you is acting like a fit parent.

If you want her back, beg her to tell you what it would take. Offer to take a polygraph so you can get everything out in the open. Give her the passwords to all your electronics. Call her every day when you move around town so she'll know what you're doing. Set up long-term counseling for the TWO of you. Whatever else she wants.

Ash22

Wow if you had said you played golf instead of basketball I would think your name was Tiger Woods!!

I think your being very hypocritical. You did her wrong for many years, with many women, what she did wasn't right, but its understandable IMO.

I think both of you need to separate and focus on the kids (your own kids and the one(s) you share)

klgray

Thank you all for your comments. This is a tough situation, I do not at all excuse my behavior, I would have cheated on myself as well along time ago, if she would have done that I would have forgiven her w/ no problem. But in this case, this is, in fact, a pill that is tough to take...
The reason this is sooo hard is b/c it is a person from her past that she has a lot of history w/ and helped shape her teenage years. I really feel that this is it for me, I have a creditable threat that could possibly end this for me... Do I have to wait to see how things play out for her and give her time to decide if she wants to be w/ me or him?

dumped4another

Sorry KL, but I think it's time for the both of you to move on, as hard as it is. You both cheated and this does not make for a healthy relationship in any way, shape, or form. In my humble opinion, it's time for you both to work on yourselves, realize the error of your ways. Start with trying to be the best parents you can be for your children, own your mistakes and forgive yourself for them. This may take time, but in the end you will grow as a mature person (much needed) ready for a healthy relationship. I hope for the best for you and your family.

firenice

Sorry but i think people make mistakes and i am currently in the same situation but a little different. I have been married to same man for over 21 yrs, the last 10 or so hes been up and down with job issues. One after the other and spends alot of money when we have it, but both to blame. TO make a long story short he doesn't cheat and i have never either. But because of many financial problems lately, like losing our home and other issues, our love life suffered over the past 3 yrs especially. We have two children, one already in college and one boy 13 still at home. I have stayed with him through the 21 yrs of ups and downs...but i don't know what happened but lately for the last couple yrs i have been in contact with my ex-boyfriend from my teenage yrs. We were lovers from about age 15 to 21..then i moved away and we broke up. We were young but i never forgot about him and because of the newer technology now we contacted each other. Nothing brutal , just emailing, and facebook...but not even phone. We said though we would like to see each other just one more time. So this has been the communication for the past 3 yrs while i have been feeling my marriage has been very up and down ..Well, i finally called him a month or so ago and said im going to do it and he said sure come visit. Hes divorced for 5 years...so i visited him for what was suppose to be a weekend and it ended up being over 2 weeks. Get the picture?? We weren't going to do anything sexual just have a good friend see a new city and stay in separate rooms. Well of course my girlfriend was right and after the 2nd or 3rd day we kissed and then that was it...now i am home and depressed...While i was with him we reconnected planning how my life would allow me to be with him again, but not rushing into anything drastic because of my son and his fear of me jumping from one relationship to the next. He and i can't believe after 30 yrs we could still love each other...is it real or is it just a familiar past caught up in a lonely world for me right now. I felt young again, going on dates, having sex again thats passionate and so forth. But now i feel like i maybe shouldn't have gone, cause its worse now being home and thinking of those two weeks...I called him everynite the first week and he told me he loved me when we hung up, but then the last phone call he confused me cause he was like im busy with my work and etc, etc, and its late right now and i can't decide your problems over this conversation..so i hung up and i haven't called him back...maybe hes frustrated too because he says you have alot to figure out. So maybe let her just do her thing and the truth will come out. I don't know how i can help you, since im the other party, but i thought letting you know your wife isn't the only one, might make you feel a wee bit better...peace.............Should i call him back...btw? I need a mans perspective, he doesn't want to get me in trouble since im the one married, so i have to always call him...he did email me though and ask me about my valentines gift...