So update

Carefulthoughts · 02-11-2010, 05:31 AM

So the W and I have been separated since 1/28/10. She has since found herself an apartment ; leaving me the house and all of the bills. The fight that initiated this seperation is me confronting her about 1000s of text messages to her coworker's son. She immediately said return her phone to her or she was leaving. At one point she got in my face and begged me to hit her. I think she was looking for a reason to leave me.
Though I have been working fulltime and going to school fulltime in the evenings. Making sure she had all her little wants and desires. It wasn't good enough. She has a contract job that ends in 2 yrs.
I can't help but feel taken advantage of. Mom-in-law called her the other day and basically from what she tells me if my W wants to talk to her she can make the call. I know for a fact W hasn't even told her mother the truth about any of all this. I accept the fact my wife is having an affair.
For awhile my wife had me going on the whole divorce thing before I remembered my vows. I told her that this is the thick part and if I make no effort here then I will have failed all my vows. I canceled my appointment with my attorney and she seems quite pissed about this. I think at times she knows she is screwing up but I also know at times she wants to be divorced so badly.
Well I told her I can't divorce her. Her mom and my mom have been through a lot in their marriages and I just can't give up.
Last night we got to talking in texts and she seems pretty damn pissed about it all. I told her I loved her , I'll pray for her but if she wants a divorce she can find an attorney. I think she wanted the easy way out with me paying for it all.
Anyways I'm hurt right now. I finally broke down and shed some tears about it all. Got a good family/friend support group backing me up. Honestly I feel better today. I am trying to focus on me while trying to care for her. I know she is going to do what she is going to do and I can't stop it. I can interject myself but that will only make things worse for me in the end.

jessi · 02-11-2010, 07:10 AM

I feel for you...just look after yourself at this point....
She is not thinking straight, give her time, sometimes when an affair is out in the open it doesn't seem so appealing anymore.
Telling her family is key, forcing her to make her move is what needs to happen.....make her take responsibility for her decisions.
Just make sure she knows you love her and that you are willing to work on the marriage....
After a few weeks she might not think it's worth it anymore....I think when you are in an affair part of you thinks it won't ever be more than what it is, I'm not sure if they actually see a life with that person......
good luck, be the best you you can be......and accept her decisions and wish her luck.....

harley2003 · 02-11-2010, 01:00 PM

Careful,

Sorry you're here man. You will find a lot of us in the same boat. I have only been in my sitch for a couple months now but have learned a great deal from the good people on this board.

The most important thing to understand is that if your wife is having an affair, then you are now dealing with a totally insane person. If she is like most, she will lie, cheat, steal, anything to get her affair fix. Most people compare it to drug addiction. Do not believe what she says to you and only about 1/2 of what you see.

She will be pissed about anything you do that hinders her from being with her new man. She will rewrite your history telling everyone that she has never been happy and she should have never married you. Anything to justify this new love.

So, until this high is over, not much you can do to persuade her to come back to you. You and make sure that she is accountable for her actions. Do not take the blame for her having an affair. You can expose the affair to people that she cares about. Affairs once out in the open are not as fun as when they are sneaky. She will be mad, furious even, but if she says she's leaving, what have you to lose. In the meantime, show her that you can still be the man of her dreams. Think back to when you fell in love and try to bring back some of that guy.

But most of all, take the time to work on you. Do the things you've always wanted to do. Let her see that you will make it no matter what. You didn't mention kids but if you have kids, take care of them. You cannot know how it will all turn out but you can make sure that however it does, you come out a better person.

Hang in there and good luck.

Notaclue · 02-11-2010, 05:52 PM

I know Harley is right, they will not listen to reason they are high on love. Everything is wonderful and you have no chance to convince her otherwise. Until she crashes, she is on a drug so strong no one can convince her what she is doing is wrong. Be careful because nothing she says in this state will be true.

Carefulthoughts · 02-11-2010, 07:55 PM

Well she doesn't want her mom to know whats going on. As far as I am concerned i'm going to keep on going. She should never wake up from this craze cause she doesn't realize how much destruction she has done in a short period of time. I don't know I told her I wanted us to work it out but I know for now she is gone and I don't know if I'll still be here when she gets done with her trip. Ill keep pray for her though.

Carefulthoughts · 02-11-2010, 07:57 PM

Oh and I know about the whole lieing thing. If she can't tell her mom the truth thats sad.

harley2003 · 02-12-2010, 07:23 AM

Careful,

I feel for you man. I have pretty much done the same. My wife's A has only gone on for a couple months now and early on I wanted to end it have get her back. But as I found out more and more, I have come to the conclusion that I would be so much better off without her. She has so disrespected me, our marriage, our vows, our family, what is left for me but to move on? What got me the worse was I thought we had a great marriage. She had been having affairs the whole freaking time with 4 or 5 different guys over our 8 year marriage. I never once doubted or suspected. But now it is all out in the open and I am sure that trust is gone. Now if I could just get the love to go away, I will be good.

So hang in there. There are plenty of others that know how you feel. Whatever you decide, remember, work on you. Take the time to make yourself better so that no matter what happens, you feel good about yourself.

Carefulthoughts · 02-13-2010, 10:07 PM

Ok so my good friend and boss gave me the same talk we have had about 2 or 3 times in the last month. I finally accept reality for what it is. I finally accept my wife for being a liar , selfish , and now in adultery. I know in my heart I am a good man and what I've been told of late a dieing breed. I deserve better then her. This isn't her first time doing **** like this. I found out after we got married then we started talking , she was in a semi serious relationship. She lied to me about the whole situation and I never met the guy but I felt for him. I deserve better then to be treated like something worse then garbage ( cause even garbage gets picked up). I told wife I had an appointment this coming up friday with my attorney and I'll give her the divorce she wants (this was in texts btw). She said thank you and my only response was " I realized I deserve to be treated better and I know your having an affair but it is ok" Which she couldn't respond to. I accept she is a twisted person from the start and our short history together there is small glimpses into this. I am not bending over backwards for her again. I am not interupting my morning drive to work to stop at her job to bring her things. I am not going to help her move anymore stuff out of the house and I will inform her if she brings her new boytoy to the house to help I will probably call the cops cause I made it known to her he isn't welcomed here. Btw she moved out and got police involved making a spectacle of leaving. As far as I am concerned I am concerned for my safety if both of them are around. Her not so much. Sad thing is the guy is 22 I am about to be 27 and my wife turns 30 in a short period of time. I accept that there is no more love there for her in my heart. No I am not in the angry stage of the 5 stages of loss. I am just tired and broken and this person is a leech. I accept her for what she is and I accept I deserve so much better then that.

Scannerguard · 02-14-2010, 12:11 AM

Read my thread under "New Development."

Don't just "give her the divorce" she wants.

You want to stall and frustrate the opposition until you get what you want. She's in love, she wants to screw around. . .accept that and just make her pay a premium for it, that's all.

Embarrass her. . .introduce her as your wife and "her boyfriend." I constantly refer to my wife's boyfriend right to her face - "Did you and XXX have a fun weekend? Did you get a chance to talk about how to make me happy?" I can see her blood boiling but it's not just to stick it in her craw - it's to make her surrender more in the divorce.

It's a business transaction, nothing more. . .use any advantage you have. If she's highly motivated to be with this 22 year old for whatever lustful reason, leverage that.

Contact an attorney as to what motions need to be filed to protect your investment in the house and freeze her investment as you support the household without any contribution from her.

Good luck.

Carefulthoughts · 02-14-2010, 07:00 AM

I am doing it scanner. She doesn't know locks are changed or that I have been keeping tabs on all the bills that she is obligated to. I am not losing everything I have worked so hard for. She can't afford the attorney and worse comes to worse I will ask for the half of the bills she is obligated to. I am done playing with this person.