Oh my god..when I thought it couldn't get worse...the plot thickens

josh1081 · 02-24-2010, 11:27 PM

I've posted my situation here already but a quick overview
-wife doesn't want to be with me right now
-she was already seeing someone else
-we're separating
-we still live together because she isn't working now
-2 kids together
-I still love her...too much I'm told

So the new development now is that she's pregnant....I know, crazy right? Not only that, but she doesn't know if myself or the OM is the father...we haven't had a conception date confirmed yet, but the chance is there that it's not mine.
If the child isn't mine then I'm completely out for good...do not pass Go..do not collect $200, and she knows this and it scares her because she wants to keep the option of us reconciling later there.
I'm still moving out when we get our finances a little more under control, but what in the holy hell am I supposed to do with this now?????
She told me that she's not sure if she wants to keep the baby if it isn't my child, because she doesn't want a kid with this guy at all (yeah, wrap it up then right) but also because he's not from the state we live in and she thinks he'll try to bolt back to his home state when the child is born....he's already told her that if the child isn't is then he wants nothing to do with her and if it is then he wants custody and she can see the child if he needs her to.

What did I do to deserve this and what should I do now???

Help239 · 02-24-2010, 11:45 PM

Sorry to hear about your situation. It is a lot like the one hyndsight1 found himself in. You might want to read his story. I know he would be supportive of your questions during this difficult time should you choose to PM him.

hyndsight1 · 02-25-2010, 05:24 AM

Yup. This sounds familiar. I'm a little farther into it so if there is anything I can do to help don't hesitate to ask/PM etc.

Atholk · 02-25-2010, 05:49 AM

Isn't the fact that she's gonna have somebody doing a "not the father dance" enough to divorce her?

My hunch is that it's his. When women ovulate is when they have the riskiest sex and are most likely to cheat and "forget" condoms.

hyndsight1 · 02-25-2010, 04:06 PM

Quote:

Isn't the fact that she's gonna have somebody doing a "not the father dance" enough to divorce her?

All the reason in the world. Oh, Josh (no offense Atholk), incase you aren't familiar with Atholk, he is a Vulcan; he makes decisions based on logic. You and I know that nothing is 'logical' right now, as much as we would like to believe that.

And about ovulating, my W got away with alot because it was 'that time of the month', but I had to put my foot down here.

course I'm fixed, so it kinda took the dance out of my equation.

boarderwayne · 02-25-2010, 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atholk

Isn't the fact that she's gonna have somebody doing a "not the father dance" enough to divorce her?

I agree, I'm not sure if I'd take my wife back after everything she has done and is doing to me even though I still love her so much but to me this would seal the deal without a doubt.

turnera · 02-25-2010, 04:12 PM

Did you expose the affair?

Atholk · 02-25-2010, 06:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hyndsight1

All the reason in the world. Oh, Josh (no offense Atholk), incase you aren't familiar with Atholk, he is a Vulcan; he makes decisions based on logic. You and I know that nothing is 'logical' right now, as much as we would like to believe that.

LOL yes and no. Half my general viewpoint is that we are biologically driven and that logic simply is the intellectual justification tacked on to a decision made else where.

Also it's worth remembering that Vuclans are terribly emotional once you scratch the surface and break the conditioning.

That being said, I'll take "Vulcan" as a compliment.

hyndsight1 · 02-25-2010, 09:51 PM

Well taken Athol, I find your comments refreshing

Hope to put some of your advice to good use in the future.......

josh1081 · 02-25-2010, 11:19 PM

no..nothing is logical at all right now...nothing makes sense and makes sense at the same time. It would be so much easier if I didn't love her so much.
Now she's fighting with this guy because he told her that she's selfish and demanded she get an abortion.
hyndsight....where can I read the thread at with your situation in it?
I haven't been here long and don't really know the ins and outs of this site yet

hyndsight1 · 02-25-2010, 11:46 PM

Just go to the Going Through Divorce or Separation forum and look for the thread 'foresight'.

The conflicting emotions are enough to bring you to your knees. I just touched on this earlier: remember a conversation between you and your W when infidelity was brought up and you may have said "if you ever did that to me, you would be out the door!" Then it happens, and you realize there is no 'on/off switch' for love. Be strong

Atholk · 02-26-2010, 06:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hyndsight1

The conflicting emotions are enough to bring you to your knees. I just touched on this earlier: remember a conversation between you and your W when infidelity was brought up and you may have said "if you ever did that to me, you would be out the door!" Then it happens, and you realize there is no 'on/off switch' for love. Be strong

This is very true. I realize this seems completely true on an emotional level, but also don't forget that biology is involved in this as well. We do have pair bonding hormones and chemicals running through our veins and there is in a sense an addiction to our partners.

So just like everyone logically knows smoking is bad for you, doesn't mean people can just just go "oh it's bad for me" and quit cold turkey.

That being said, simply hearing from other people "what the hell are you letting happen to yourself" can be very helpful to those in the middle of serious relationship drama. It's by no means instant salvation, but maybe it becomes one piece of the puzzle to turn the tide.

There is no question that marriage crisis is hard. I actually find just reading the board quite stressful at times.

hyndsight1 · 02-26-2010, 07:59 AM

Quote:

That being said, simply hearing from other people "what the hell are you letting happen to yourself" can be very helpful to those in the middle of serious relationship drama. It's by no means instant salvation, but maybe it becomes one piece of the puzzle to turn the tide.

josh1081 · 02-26-2010, 11:21 PM

all of this is very true; the majority of my close friends have asked why I'm still subjecting myself to this and why haven't I broken the door down to throw her out of it, but emotion does play a huge part in this. I was one of those guys who said " Oh if this ever happens to me" but you're right. You can't really say one way or the other until you are confronted with the situation. Obviously when I was confronted with it I did the opposite of what I always said I'd do...hell so did she because she always said that if it ever came to infidelity she'd talk to me about it before she left, and that she'd never do it while still in our relationship.
The thing that is getting me now is mostly about the pregnancy because even if it's not mine; she's still my best friend and I'll still be there to help her through it, but I don't know how to deal with that emotionally.
And god, if it is mine, how am I supposed to deal with moving out of the house from my pregnant wife who doesn't want to be with me and who I love still?
Sometimes life if just terrible lol

hyndsight1 · 02-27-2010, 12:01 AM

So if it is yours, will this change her attitude toward your marriage? Is this the 'wake-up call' she needs to leave OM in the dust and put her priorities back where they belong? Do you still have to move out?

If it is'nt, you're right, this is just terrible. I don't think we are programed to deal with these things emotionaly. I'm not nesecarily suggesting this, but what helped me was asking myself 'would I still be her best friend?'
'do unto others as you would have done to you' right?