Current thoughts

Carefulthoughts · 02-27-2010, 04:28 PM

Last 2 or 3 weeks have been pretty rough for me as far as emotions and thoughts. From filing for divorce to a close friend of mine ending up in ICU. Today I folded up more of her clothes and put them nicely in boxes. I finished the clothes and made it to her nightgowns that she seldom ever wore. I could only think I hope she wears them for him and he realizes just what all she gave up on and that at the very end I never gave her one single reason to leave.

Though I want it I know I will never get the God's honest truth on how she could do everything she did to me and behind my back. It hurts now and again. I even looked at our wedding photo album and I am just left baffled. With all she had around her , she just couldn't be happy and couldn't find a reason to end it. I think thats what hurts the most that I was led along.

boarderwayne · 02-27-2010, 05:00 PM

I don't know how you do it man, I tried to help her pack her things to move and I just couldn't do it, it was just too hard. Once it was all packed and ready to go I helped her move it all out and that was hard enough. The house feels so empty ever since, just not home anymore.

As for her leading you along, I agree that's got to be one of the hardest things. If my W would've just left when she began feeling this way, it would be hard but the infidelity wouldn't have been there to make it that much worse. Not only that but mine came back after she left the first time saying she screwed up and wanted to make it right but continued leading me on for another month while she continued the affair. I think we both deserve an open and honest explanation as to how and why they could do this but like you said we'll never get it.

Hang in there man, hope the best for you.

btw, did you ever make a decision on if your taking the house or not?

Carefulthoughts · 02-27-2010, 10:34 PM

Yea im taking the house im debating atm. Bring her personal items about 3.5 hrs away to her mom's house (she can't begin to comphrehend all this) or charge her rent for taking up a whole room or going after her for half of the mortgage. She was upset awhile back when I told her I withdrew from school. Besides my fairly new job and a divorce there was no way I could dedicate myself to school 4 nights a week. But honestly why does she care. She didn't give a squat when I was doing it before she left when I did it so in 2 yrs we could make a family. Why care now?
Yes boxing up her stuff has been hard. But I think in my mind I am not divorcing the woman I feel in love with who was broken and mistreated by others and who cared for all the simple nice things I did. I am divorcing a liar a cheater and a self centered person if I must say. I am almost shocked at how much she has accumilated since she has been here. I giving her all the wedding pics. Also the cards where my family said welcome to all of us. None of us but her I guess understands this and there has been way too much for me to able to easily forget. Thank god I have finally stopped dreaming about it. Ty for your concern scanner it means a ton.

Carefulthoughts · 02-28-2010, 10:42 AM

So new morning , a new day , and new thoughts of course. Talked to my mother in law who I adore. We had a good talk that we both are lost and don't understand why this all happened. Hopefully in a month or two I can make it up her way to visit.
But I think why this hurts is because though I hate to admit it I AM a good person with a big heart. It hurts because I can and actually do care for others. Which tells me all these off the cuff decisions my stbxw has made just shows how unwhole her own soul is. Not rejoicing over that in any kind of way. I wish for her future she can find some inner peace and be happy.
I know by week's end I will have much different and probably angry thoughts. But for today and if its only for today I'll forgive her for the things she has done. Or atleast try to forgive.

ebp123 · 02-28-2010, 11:54 AM

Sometimes those who care a lot for others end up picking people who need the most care, but also those who will likely hurt them. After all is said and done and you are divorced, be careful about who you are attracted to. People who don't need a lot of care intially will all end up at some point facing crises and needing the strength of their spouse. You don't have to pick the person that needs rescuing right from the start.

Sorry if i'm off base, just seems that you may have picked your stbxw because she needed you so much.

Carefulthoughts · 02-28-2010, 12:02 PM

Well she had a very stable life before me. Work and some friends. She was from a very poor area and I live right outside of a major city. She had a serious bad relationship and I guess since we are all on here we have had one of those.
Your right I am a pleaser/fixer type. But its because I used to be in my past lift a total polar opposite. I figured all she wanted was a good man and all I wanted was a good woman. Especially nothing high maintenance. So one with values and I thought thats what she was.

Carefulthoughts · 03-01-2010, 04:56 PM

Today wasn't that bad. Pretty dull feelings over everything. Talking about her coming to get her stuff this weekend. I have already gone through the pain of boxing it all up and just have a little bit more to go. I think today I have accepted the fact that even though this hurts like hell , it is something I have had to go through to prepare myself for much better later on. Then again I have so much stuff going on with others I am close to I think it helps keep me focused a little. I thought about it this morning. I was able to go to sleep without her around. Take care of the house with out her. I can live without her.