I feel like my life has ended, please help me? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-03-2010, 06:58 PM Thread Starter
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I feel like my life has ended, please help me?

I want to start, by saying, I am so desperate, and distraught, and bewildered, that I find it hard to put into words. I hope that I could find answers for my despair, and my pain, and the desperation that I'm going through right now. Anything to take this hurt away, please. I have to share this pain in my heart, so urgently, with anyone, someone, please, I am crying out for someone, to just hear my story, it's the most pain that my soul and mind and spirit, had to deal with, ever in my life. This is a very long post, but I just have to tell my story to someone, who will read it. It’s been one week now, from the day I found out about it.

I have only been married for two years now, and I love my wife so very much, she is all I ever wanted, she is my dream girl. She is a manager at a large insurance company, and she’s always been a “Go Getter”, and achieved great heights in her corporate career. I met and fell in love with this amazing woman, because, not only was she, a very respected, and highly esteemed executive, and moved in high circles, in the corporate world, she also had a “child like” side to her personality, which is, what “bedazzled” me most about her, and I fell in love with her, completely. I found my self, sometimes, just looking at her, and thinking to myself, how lucky I am to have her, in my life, and that she’s my lady, I was on “cloud nine”, and in love, all the time. I admired her, and adored her with my whole heart. There wasn’t a day, that went by, that we didn’t say “I love you”, to each other, a number of times, whether by email or text.

About a year ago, we decided together, that we wanted to immigrate to New Zealand, from South Africa, and so we started to make arrangements, and arrived in NZ, to start our new life together. We were both so excited about our new life in NZ, and our new future. We are now, working towards residence, in New Zealand.

Because, we regularly communicated every day, via email, or texting, and every message would end with "I love you my baby" or "I love you my darling", there were never ever, any communication problems in our marriage.
This to me was so wonderful, as we seemed to share almost our thoughts and minds.
She always used to say, after we turned out the light at night, and kissed goodnight, she would lay in my arms, and she always used to say "this is the best part of the day, baby", and I would hold her, and kiss her, and I felt like I, was the luckiest man on this planet.

Till today, I am still so distraught, and disillusioned, as to what happened, to make this bliss, we had, turn so sad, for something happened, and to this day, I can still not explain, how this happened, and why. A few months ago, she started to behave indifferent to me, and the intimate “love you” messages, and intimate moments, were no more as frequent. I knew, she was under pressure at work, and she was dealing with a lot of stress. She was always, very tired in the evenings, when she got home, and I always used to, after she flopped down, on the couch, bring her a glass of her favourite chilled white wine, and I gave her a foot massage, with aromatic oils, (when she wanted it, but I always asked her if I could massage her feet for her, she loved that) Then, things changed, she would come home, and she would get her own wine, and go and sit in front of the computer, then, after a while, she would take her well deserved, long, foam bath, and then, after her bath, she was back behind the computer, till late at night, This was unusual, and when I asked her, when she's coming to bed, she would say "I'm still going to be a while honey", I have to catch up with some work”. I knew she had a lot of work, and backlogs, and I understood. I did not think, this was strange, as I knew she had a very demanding job, and she said to me, that as soon as she’s caught up, with all, the backlog, that things would be back to normal again. I was fine with it, and I even made sure, she had her hot chocolate drink, before I went to bed, every night. I then, tried to stay up later than usual, by watching TV, so that we could go to bed, together, and to have, things feel, like it used to (us going to bed together, and she lying in my arms, till we fell asleep). So I would sit up and wait for her. She told me, not to wait up for her, and to go to bed, and get some sleep, as I also have a very specialised job, and my job, demands a lot of details, I am a software developer, and coding can get quite intense sometimes. So I eventually, would end up, going to bed, after 23:00, and, eventually fell asleep later, as it sometimes went passed midnight, and I needed to get some sleep, and I can't afford to be tired and dull at work. She only got to bed after midnight or early morning hours. She told me not to be concerned, as she didn’t needed that much sleep, as I expressed my concern, about her, and that she might be burning herself out. I made sure she took all her vitamins, in the morning, I took all the vitamins that she needed, and put her vitamins in her little container, in her bag, so that she would not forget, and that she would be able to keep up with the stress and daily energy demand on her body.

A month ago, end of January 2010, she said to me, that she was going to take a three weeks break, as the stress at work, has become so much, and she needed a break, to relax, and recuperate from all the overtime work, she’s been putting in, and that she was planning to go visit her friends (our mutual friends from South Africa) up north, in New Plymouth. As I could not take leave at that time, to go with her, (due to a very important project I was working on), I was fine with her, taking a three week break, to go visit her friends on her own. She dearly deserved this holiday, and I agreed that it would be great for her to get away, for a while, to rest and relax. She told me, that she was going to take a bus up north, and that she didn’t feel like driving, as it was about a 6 hours drive. She left on Friday the 5th of February 2010, and I kissed her, good bye, that morning, the morning, on my way to work. She was already packed, and would get a cab, to take her to the bus station. The bus was scheduled to depart at about 15:30 pm, and I offered, to fetch her at home, and to drop her off, at the bus station. She said, that she didn’t want me to take her to the bus station, and that I should go to work, and she would get a cab, and she will text me, when she leaves. I was fine with this, as I knew she was a very independent lady. I kissed her goodbye, and told her that I loved her.

Little did I know, that, that was the last kiss, I will ever give to her. The last time, I will ever touch her.
She texted me, and said goodbye, and love you, as she got on the bus(as i assumed she was). Later, that morning, I got a text message from her, saying, the battery on her cell phone is going flat, and that she would get it charged up, and talk to me as soon as possible. I replied, “I love you my baby, and I will talk to you later, enjoy your journey”. That was the last time, I had a text from her. I didn’t get any text messages from her, till very late that night. Every time I tried to call her cell phone, I got through to her voicemail. I knew she would call as soon as she had the cell phone sorted out.

I started to get very concerned, after I haven’t heard from her, by 20:00 that same evening. I sent maybe a 20 texts, to find out if she was ok. At about 21:40, I got a call from her, saying the cell phone is now sorted out, and has a new battery, and we spoke for about 30 minutes, and she said, that she arrived safe and that she was just tired. She said she’s going to go to bed soon, and we said “Love you and good night”.
The next morning, I woke up, and the first this I did, was, to text her, and say “Miss you, Love you”.
I had no reply, whatsoever. I called her cell phone, and left messages to her voicemail.

I got a email, from her, at about 17:00 that day, saying, she’s sorry about not texting back, but she lost her blackberry (she said she must have left it in a restaurant, which I thought was a bit strange, cause it wasn’t like her to loose her phone at all, she was the opposite of careless.), and we should email for now, till she’s got a new one. This was surprising, but yet again, I love my wife, I do not question her about everything, besides she’s a business woman and an very intelligent woman too. So I agreed, and we emailed. She told me, that she will be out with her girlfriend and the kids (while the girlfriend’s hubby was at work) during the day, as they wanted to go see places, and so on.

So, I ended up replying on her emails, whenever I got one. She would either send me an email in the morning or evening. One time, I asked, her why she doesn’t reply, when I sent her an email, and she said that they were busy with the kids.

The Emails went on for the entire duration of her three weeks holiday. When I asked her, when she’s getting the phone replaced, she emailed saying, she’ll get a new one, when she’s back, and that it’s for the best, because she didn’t want her work, bothering her, whilst she was on holiday. I accepted, and agreed. One thing that was very odd, was the fact that she wasn’t saying “love you”
At the end of her email messages anymore. When I asked her about it, she said “oh babe, you know I love you”, I don’t have to say it all the time.

She told me, that I can fetch her at the bus station On Monday the 22nd of February 2010, after work, as her bus will be at the station at about 18:00, so I can fetch her after work. At about 02:17am, Monday the 22nd of February 2010, I woke up, because I heard someone at the front door, I got out of bed, went to the door, and there she was, luggage and all. I was a bit shocked, and asked her, what happened, and that I thought that she was only coming back this afternoon. She walked in, and I got her luggage. She said we have to talk, so we went to the lounge to sit and talk.

She told me that for the last 3 weeks, she wasn’t in New Plymouth visiting her friends, at all, but that she was in Vancouver Canada, for the last 3 weeks. I nearly fell off my chair. I asked her why, why there? And she said that she didn’t want to upset me before she left. I asked her, why she lied to me about visiting her friends in New Plymouth? She told me, that she was with her new boyfriend, and that he’s a very wealthy business man in Vancouver. She said, that we should be civilized about this, and that she would arrange for a divorce. At that moment, I started feeling faint, and I was sick to my stomach, and wanted to vomit. I started to shake, and cry, like a child. All I could say, was why baby, why?. My chest started closing up, and I couldn’t breath. I was in severe traumatic mental shock. I was crying like a baby, asking her, “please baby, tell me this is not true, please”. She just sat there on the couch, and looked at me. I asked her, what his name was, and I asked her if they were intimate, the bit I feared most, was the shock and pain, of seeing her and him, in bed, making love. That picture is too much too bear, it hurts so much, it is devastating. She told be calm and cold, that they had sex, more than once, a day, every single day. I just sat there, crying, staring at her, in shock. She said, that I had to calm down, and that the sooner I get over this, the better for me. I asked her how long she knew him, and she said, they met on facebook, and the relationship, just developed from there. In her words, she said “We met, started talking, and we hit it off”. I was so shocked and bewildered; I did not know how to handle all the emotions that was racing through my mind. I got up to go to the toilet, and I vomited, and cried. I felt weak, and helpless, I thought this was my end.

She called a cab, after we spoke till about 06:30 am, that Monday morning, and she said she will be, checking into a hotel in the city. She told me, that she’s going back to him, and that she will be resigning her job here, and that she’s already got a new job lined up in Vancouver. (a job that the new guy, has organised for her).

(Later, I would discover, that the last time she called me, from her cell phone, was when she, arrived at Sydney airport, and busy, making the change over at Sydney airport, on her way to Vancouver Canada!!!)

Why did she do this to me? I didn’t see this coming for a million miles. I feel so “blindsided”, I am still dizzy from it, mentally. I had to take 2 days from work, as I felt I was going to loose my mind. I felt an utter feeling of disablement, and helplessness. This was the woman I adored, and looked up to, my baby, my angel. How could this happen? It felt surreal, as if I’m in a very ugly nightmare, but it was real.

How, please tell me how, will I ever survive this? How will I get through this?. I feel like suicide all the time, I cry myself to sleep, only to wake up in a nightmare, with a cold sweat on my body. I feel like I’m dying. I lay on the floor, crying, holding my hand up, in the air, crying, as if reaching for someone to help me, and take my hand.

A tidal wave of questions, hit me, questions about, where things went wrong, what did I do, or not do, to perhaps prevent this? So many unanswered questions, keeps on flooding my mind. I am an analyst programmer by profession, and analysing problems and finding solutions for problems, is what I do for a living. This one got me so “Blindsided”, I can’t think straight. I find the smallest of tasks, and chores, a challenge, and I have no appetite at all. I get up in the morning, after a nightmare of cold sweat, and very little real sleep, to get in the shower, and start crying again, like a baby. It just tears me up, I can’t even hold back the tears, it just starts. I was crying so much, driving back from work the other night, that I almost went off the road, and got such a fright. Some days at work, I have to get up, and go to the toilet, to cry, because the pain gets too much. One day, my boss walk in the office, and my eyes were filled with tears, and he asked what was wrong, and so I told him. He was very considerate, and said he will arrange for a counsellor to speak to me. Please tell me what to do, and how long does this pain go on? I feel lost, and lonely, and very bewildered.

I will Always Love her, and Adore her. Please Dear God, PLEASE , can I please have my baby back?

Last edited by SurrealPain; 03-03-2010 at 07:09 PM.
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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-03-2010, 09:07 PM
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Re: I feel like my life has ended, please help me?

Surreal-I am so sorry that she has done this you to. It just breaks my heart reading your story. Many here are great at giving advice and everyone has been so supportive.

The thing that has helped me the most was seeing a counselor. I think that would really help you to at least talk about what's going on.

It is the worst pain in the world! Just try to take things day by day or minute by minute if you have to. It's okay to cry! Totally normal.
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-03-2010, 11:41 PM
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Re: I feel like my life has ended, please help me?

Dear Surreal--I suggest that you seek counseling as soon as possible! Especially if you are thinking of suicide as an option. There is no return or second chance from an act of that magnitude. I am sorry you are so distraught.

The only advice I can offer comes from reading your story:
1) All of the old cliches are true--time heals all wounds; the best revenge is a good life; the grass is not always greener on the other side.

2) I hope this does not offend you, as that is NOT my intention, but speaking from my own experiences I feel compelled to tell you this-- women want a man who will show them affection and love (which you have obviously done). At the same time they want that man to "play hard to get" at times. It's that old saying about good girls being attracted to bad boys. Most women want their man to be a "take charge, macho" kind of guy. It sounds like you did EVERYTHING for your wife including setting out vitamins for her. I know that you had her best interests at heart, but do you think that she might have seen your constant catering to her every need as a sign of weakness or found it 'unmanly'?

Since I don't know you or your wife and I can only respond to what you've written, it's simply an observation from an outsider's point-of-view. Just something to think about. But by all means, please seek help. NO ONE is worth losing your life over...especially someone that has cheated and lied to you. There is a lot of good advice here and nothing can shed more light on your situation than an objective point-of-view. Keep posting and God bless you!
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-04-2010, 12:09 AM
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Re: I feel like my life has ended, please help me?

SP ... I'm really sorry about what happened. I know it's very devastating for you, but you will get better.

I agree with the others, please get some counseling... at this point, as hard as it may seem, do everything in your power to focus on you and helping yourself through this.

This forum will be there for you...
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-04-2010, 08:09 AM
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Re: I feel like my life has ended, please help me?


Hang in there brother! The more posts I read lately, the more I am truly starting to hate Social Networking sites! I also lost my W to an old boyfriend that she reconnected with through Facebook...and trust me, it hasn't been easy to let go.

First off, think about the way she treated you, and the fact that she had complete disregard for your feelings. You do not deserve that friend. No one does. From what I can gather from your story, you did everything short of stopping the planet's rotation for this woman, and how does she repay you? By leaving you sitting there, questioning your self-worth and the value of your life. And I completely understand, at the time the pain can be more than we can handle, and anything seems better then facing it day after day...

But it does get better. And it will. I'm still fresh in my pain, and maybe my advice is slightly askew, but its been a little less than a week since I learned of the affair, and I am already feeling a bit better. Its not going to be easy, and when you here people talk of "emotional rollercoaster," well...I guess welcome to the front car. You will have good days where you feel like you can take on the world, and you'll have days were you struggle to even crack a smile. But the light will eventually return, have faith in that!

Second, now is the time to turn to friends and family for support. They will prove to be your greatest allies in this struggle, and just wait and see...support will come from places that you least expect it. Sometimes its really tough to take the inititive to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off after being cast aside...but as The Beatles put it, "I get by with a little help from my friends." And keep posting here, we truly do know what you are going through.

Third, take care of yourself! As hard as it is, forget about her and take steps to help yourself. I think that counseling in your situation is a must. By phone or in person, please talk to someone. Make sure you keep your health as well. Eat well, go to the gym, laugh, smile. Although it feels like your life is over, its not. Will it be easy, not at all. But you have to do it. We all do.

Lastly, do not pursue her or beg her to come back. As desperate and as hurt as you are, do not worry about what she is doing. Take back some of the power. And yes, that too will be hard as hell. And it will take time. But remember that she did this to you. I can tell that you are a nice, sincere man, and if you are anything like me, holding any anger or resentment towards her will seem nearly impossible at first. But one day you will wake up, and all you will see is red!

I'm truly sorry for what you are going through. Have faith in yourself, and in Karma. It has a funny way of making itself known in the end.

If I can help you at all, please PM me. We are all here for you!
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-04-2010, 02:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I feel like my life has ended, please help me?

Thanks my brother(Cgreene21), thanks so much for all the encouragement. You have hit the issues so spot on!, it's awsome!

1) You are right, she did disregard, my feelings, and treated me cold and emotionless. She's always has been a hard, and a cold like person, but i loved her, and accepted this. You are right, I do not deserve this!. . totally not!

2) You are right, she has me questioning my selfworth, and my self esteem, it has gone to sh*t! I have to now, stand up from this "Smackdown!" and rise again, trying to convince myself, that i'm worth something.

3) You are right, I have bent over backwards for this woman, only for her to walk all over me, and chuck me out like dirty bathwater!

4) You are right, I will not persue her, or beg her, I will take back the power, and regain my confidence.

Thank you my brother, I will turn to my family, and friends, and I will slowly but surely, regain my self respect, and courage, to carry on.

I will be going to the gym, and getting my health back, and also my appetite.

I thank you for all the encouragement!!

One day, maybe, we might meet each other, in person, and then we can have a long chat about all of this, and how, we were survivors, after the "Smackdown"

It would be great to keep talking to you, here I need all the encouragement I can get.

Cheers Bro!
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-04-2010, 02:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I feel like my life has ended, please help me?

Thanks so much (wgattodo17), i will take your advice, and i will see a councellor. I will have to take baby steps, thank you, it will help, moving forward, possible. Thanks
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-04-2010, 02:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I feel like my life has ended, please help me?

Thanks so much (Merced), i will take your advice, and i will see a councellor. I will put the focus back on me, and find my way forward again, . .through all the help and encouragement.
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-04-2010, 03:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I feel like my life has ended, please help me?

Thanks (sue1168), you are so absolutely right, I will not kill myself over her, do you know why, cause i saw her posting to her daughter, on facebook, discussing my reaction, when she told me about her new boyfried, she said to her daughter, "he's so pathetic, let's hope he kills himself, and her daughter said to her, yes mom, he's a nothing!!", so now, i know, that she would have a great laugh, and grimace on her face, if she found out, that i've committed suicide over her. That pleasure i will not grant her, she's already had all the pleasures, with her new man, me, killing myself, will just promt her to celebrate, with all her friends, and they'll have a good old cheers to my death!! She makes, Cruella Deville, look like Mickey Mouse!!

One thing that needs mentioning, the times, that i did "Take Charge", she used to tell me, "No man tells me what to do!!", and she made that clear.

Also, I want to thank you for the BEST ADVICE Ever, NEVER EVER, will i bend backward for any woman, again, in my life, i will be the "BAD BOY" from now on!! You GO Girl!!(sue1168), thanks for that word of Great advice!! COOL!!

thanks for helping me with this ""EYE OPENER" . . .it's such a Great feeling! . .

God Bless you too!!
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-04-2013, 02:26 PM
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Re: I feel like my life has ended, please help me?

I know this post is really old. Just wondering how it turned out and if you're doing okay now.

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