Wife Walked Out After 10 Years

jimmyb · 03-15-2010, 07:33 AM

Hi all, just wanted to share my story with you and see if anyone could offer any insight/help/advice.

On 2/22 I sensed that my wife was becoming ver distant, so I called her at work and asked her to meet me at home. We met at 3PM at which time we had a very long talk about some things that had been going on with us. For a little background we have been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for the last year, and that has been very stressful on us, at the same time my wife has been trying to start her new career and as a result had been at one point working a full time job and a part time job, then 2 full time jobs, then back down to 1 full time and 1 part time, and over the last several months she had been slowly reducing her hours at the part time job so thankfully we were seeing alot more of each other yet still not communicating well. Approximately a month prior to 2/22 we had some fertility testing doen which revealed she was healthy and I had low motility (probably the reason we had been unable to conceive) it was nothing insurmountable it was just going to mean some lifestyle changes for me is all, not a huge deal really, none the less I was feeling bad about being me, just mentally beating and berating myself each nad every day, as a result I was depressed and getting angry for ALOT of stupid reasons, in short I was taking it out on her, which I know was not fair. So when we talked on 2/22 she brought up alot of those issues and I freely admitted that it was not right and maybe I needed to seek help to deal with how I was feeling, after a long talk (which was the best talk we had in months) we had a very nice evening together and had much of that closeness back. 2/23 we met at home after work and had another fantastic evening togetherm we talked and laughed and were very close. On 2/24 I got into see a therapist and was diagnosed with depression and placed on anti depressants to help deal with it whil I continued individual counseling to work through the issues, that evening we had a very nice dinner together that I had prepared but again she was starting to be really distant. On 2/25 she was being extremely distant all day, and on 2/26 we met for lunch, had a very nice lunch together but when she got home at the end of the day was being very very distant and withdrawn again, when I finally got her to talk she said "she was afraid of me" when I asked why and indicated that I had never hit her or slapped her or done anything of that nature she said that I had been so angry lately and now that I was in therapy and dealing with all of these feelings she was afraid that next time might be the time. I told her I felt like I was being persecuted for somthing that had not happened, and for dealing with an issue that we had both identified, she indicated that is was just going to take some time for her to open up to me again. She went to be and I sat up for a bit. The next day she informed me that she was packing a bag and going to stay with a friend for "a few days" that she needed some space to "clear her head", it was at this time we agreed to attend marriage counseling. I spent the week getting us into a reputable counselorm and on 3/5 we met for our first appointment. When she arrived I noticed she wasnt wearing her wedding rings anymore, and when we spoke to the counselor I indicated that I loved her very much, that I was taking personal steps to correct my individual issues but that I still felt like I was losing my wife. When my wife spoke all she said was that "she was done, and she didnt want to work on it anymore" she indicated her brothers were to be in town that evening and they would be at the house the next day to get some of her things (the rest of her clothes and some furniture she had brought into the marriage). I spoke to her at that time in counseling about bills and asked what we were going to do, she said seh couldnt worry about that right now that she had to think about herself, I then asked if her pay check was still going into our joint account and she said it was not that she had alredy taken care of that. I left counseling and sent to the bank and found out that althought she had stopped her direct deposist she had been out all day that day spending money out of the joint account (breakfast, lunch, some shopping, etc). Her and her brothers came the next day on 3/6 and collected everything she wanted. On 3/8 I contacted her and said we needed to decide what to do about personal property, bills etc. but that I didnt think either of us had the money to hire inciviual lawyers and get into a long drawn out battle when we really have no assets to speak of other than the house and cars, and we are underwater in the house. She agreed and I mentioned doing a disolusionment instead so we could use the same lawyer and just come to an agreement on everything, and appointment has been set for tomorrow with the lawyer, throught this whole thing she has remained pretty emotionless, like walking away after what would have ben 10 years this month is no big deal, at this point I thing that the only things keeping me from losing it entirely are the fact that it has all happened so quickly that I am in shock still, and the anti depressants. I still just want her to come home and work this out, I love my wife with all of my heart. I didnt want to be the one to bring up divorce/disolution but unfortunately we have soo much debt that I cannot possibly afford to take care of it all on my own so we have to figure out how to legally seperate it, because the way she is acting I dont think she would take any responsibility for her portion otherwise.

HappyHer · 03-15-2010, 08:48 AM

It sounds as if your wife is ready to move on, but you could try to talk to her to see if she would be willing to try to work things out. If she's set on leaving though, then you'll have to accept that is what she wants.

As far as dissolution goes, unless the two of you agree on everything, then it's not going to happen. If she is not willing to fairly assume her share of the debt, etc... then you'll have no choice but to get an attorney to make sure your interests are going to be protected.

This is a very stressful time for you, keep yourself focused on one day at a time and reach out for friends/family for support. You may also want to look into some support groups. They are free to go to and will give you the opportunity to work through some of the harder emotions with others that have gone through the same thing you are going through.

jimmyb · 03-15-2010, 09:06 AM

Thank you Tracy, as far as any kind of reconciliation I think that is out of the question the marriage counselor tried to leave to door open to that by asking how she would feel about sitting down again in a few months and talking again, after I had completed more therapy, etc, and she was not open to the idea. My family and friends have been and continue to be my island of support through all of this and I an trully blessed to have them here for me.

HappyHer · 03-15-2010, 10:59 AM

You're welcome. I know this is the most stressful thing in the world, and sad. But many people make it through and end up in a better situation, but keep some hope that everything is going to work out for the best.

skinman · 03-15-2010, 11:19 AM

JimmyB,

Sorry to hear what your going through friend.. Listen to what HappyHer has to say.. You can and most likely will come out of this much happier than you have ever been. I went through the same things as you.. not entirely but my ex. walked after close to 16 years together.. Blamed me for her unhappiness and all that mumbo jumbo... long story short she had someone else. Devastated me at first, the thought of losing everything I worked so hard for. my house, family and the closeness I shared with my youngest daughter.. Fast forward a year and a half.. I just bought my own townhouse, close to a 100 K in my retirement, beautiful girlfriend that adores the ground I walk on.. My daughter and I are closer than ever.. Keep the faith my friend.. Believe that things happen for a reason and look out for yourself, your wife will do whats best for her and you do the same... If you can work it out together thats great for everyone. My ex. and I did just that and we saved 10's of thousands of dollars....

If your interested check out my thread.. its a long one and you can see all the mistakes I made "Should I give up ".
I wish you the best and know that you can be happier than you have ever been.. I am living proof...

Skin...