Divorce is tomorrow. Help!!!

crisis1008 · 03-29-2010, 11:32 AM

Okay, here's the deal. I can't seem to make up my mind about whether or not I really want to work things out with my husband. One moment, I don't want anything to do with him, but am scared to let him go the next moment. I know it will take some time, but please read my previous posts, so you have an idea of what I am up against.

Since I have been living out of the house, I have experienced feeling the freedom to do whatever I please, whenever I please. I have not been walking on eggshells, with the exception of times I either spend in person, or on the phone, with my husband. It has felt very good not to have had to answer to him.

The idea of creating a new life has made me happy. While, I know people say the grass isn't always greener on the other side, I do know that I have the chance to start over and make certain that the next man in my life does not control me. However, the promises that my husband has made me since I have left home also sound good. He tells me that he will never hurt me again. He said that I can set aside $5,000.00 in an account for which only I have access to, in case I he ever hurts me again and I feel I must leave. He said that I can quit my job, and start my business just as soon as he finds a job with benefits. He said that he will give me a baby. He said that we will take trips together. He said that he will not let my step-daughter treat me badly. he said that I can decorate the house any way I wish. If my husband means every word and is able to follow through with his promises, then I am afraid to miss the opportunity to be happy with him. I am just still afraid that, while he may mean every word he says, he may not be able to follow through on his promises. I am afraid that the money promised to be set aside for my comfort will not happen. I am afraid that I will have quit my job, he will hurt me again, and I will be stuck. I am afraid that he will not give me a baby in the future, as he has made this promise to me, held it over my head, and taken it back for many, many years.

What if I can find someone else who will treat me right in the future? What if I am not meant to be with my husband?

What if my husband is able to treat me right in the future? What if I am meant to be with my husband?

The final hearing for my divorce is tomorrow morning. I know that I need more time to figure out what is best for me, but my husband did not postpone the court date, as I had requested. He said that he cannot wait what could be a year. I am so confused. I am having panic attacks and can't breate, as I am terrified of making the wrong decision. Please, help me. Tomorrow is the day that my life will change for better, or for worse. I am so scared.

mom2boys · 03-29-2010, 02:23 PM

Let me just say that my husband promised me a lot of the same things you have mentioned and let me tell you that while I stayed in the marriage after all the promises I am now back in the same boat of getting divorced but I now have a 1 yr old and NO JOB. I love my son dearly but I am kicking myself in the rear for believing all his promises he made 2 yrs ago. I wish I would have left and never looked back. On the plus side I get to keep the 4,000 in my seperate account that was set aside for the same reason as yours. GO figure.

Affaircare · 03-29-2010, 02:55 PM

crisis~

I have two thoughts for you. The very first thought is this: what is he trying to do, buy you off? In your own mind is that what you're worth--promises not yet fulfilled, and just promises for "items or money" at that? My very first and biggest issue with all this is that basically he is treating you as if he can buy you--and you're just haggling with him over the price. You are worth so much more than just being bought, and honestly I would encourage you to go to a support group for partner's of abusers. I think it would do you a world of good! If you just can not get there or don't have one in your area, you can also check out Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site. You can learn a lot there about the victim's side, the abuser's side, codependency and more!

My second thought is this. If he is serious about fulfilling these promises, I'd let him fulfill them FIRST. I see no reason why you couldn't postpone this final divorce hearing--reschedule for three months for example--and see if his ACTIONS change. Because crisis, let's be honest, his words are empty and meaningless because his words and his actions do not match! Now if he has a complete change of heart, does all the things he's promised, and goes to counseling for abusers for three months...cool then reconcile. But my GUESS is that once again he is trying to control you and the situation by getting you to not follow through on the divorce. Another alternative would be to follow through on the divorce and let him still fulfill his promises! If you and he are "meant to be together" I see no reason he couldn't still do all he's promised in order to win you back...and then you could remarry.

So ultimately it's up to you, but I'd suggest that you consider seeing ACTIONS and not just empty promises.