Okay, here's the deal. I can't seem to make up my mind about whether or not I really want to work things out with my husband. One moment, I don't want anything to do with him, but am scared to let him go the next moment. I know it will take some time, but please read my previous posts, so you have an idea of what I am up against.
Since I have been living out of the house, I have experienced feeling the freedom to do whatever I please, whenever I please. I have not been walking on eggshells, with the exception of times I either spend in person, or on the phone, with my husband. It has felt very good not to have had to answer to him.
The idea of creating a new life has made me happy. While, I know people say the grass isn't always greener on the other side, I do know that I have the chance to start over and make certain that the next man in my life does not control me. However, the promises that my husband has made me since I have left home also sound good. He tells me that he will never hurt me again. He said that I can set aside $5,000.00 in an account for which only I have access to, in case I he ever hurts me again and I feel I must leave. He said that I can quit my job, and start my business just as soon as he finds a job with benefits. He said that he will give me a baby. He said that we will take trips together. He said that he will not let my step-daughter treat me badly. he said that I can decorate the house any way I wish. If my husband means every word and is able to follow through with his promises, then I am afraid to miss the opportunity to be happy with him. I am just still afraid that, while he may mean every word he says, he may not be able to follow through on his promises. I am afraid that the money promised to be set aside for my comfort will not happen. I am afraid that I will have quit my job, he will hurt me again, and I will be stuck. I am afraid that he will not give me a baby in the future, as he has made this promise to me, held it over my head, and taken it back for many, many years.
What if I can find someone else who will treat me right in the future? What if I am not meant to be with my husband?
What if my husband is able to treat me right in the future? What if I am meant to be with my husband?
The final hearing for my divorce is tomorrow morning. I know that I need more time to figure out what is best for me, but my husband did not postpone the court date, as I had requested. He said that he cannot wait what could be a year. I am so confused. I am having panic attacks and can't breate, as I am terrified of making the wrong decision. Please, help me. Tomorrow is the day that my life will change for better, or for worse. I am so scared.