Kids and the OP

PDJOVER · 05-10-2008, 11:43 AM

I talked with my 12 year old D's guidance counselor last night. My D has found out about my W's OM. Any advice on how to approach her about this. She hasn't said anything because she doesn't think I know, and doesn't want to hurt me. What a tough thing for a little girl to try and handle.

swedish · 05-12-2008, 07:50 AM

Do you know what's going on with OM? I know at one point, you said they were friends but if it has gone past that I would talk to your D and let her know you are aware of him and from what you know of him he seems like a nice man, etc. I guess my thought is taking the high road will make your D feel comfortable talking about them around you and in the end that's the most important thing...making sure your kids feel comfortable keeping an open dialog with you. It may require some tongue biting though, if you begin to hear things from the kids that you don't like...I have been here myself, wanting the kids to openly talk but at the same time it's really hard not to confront their dad about some of the things they tell me, but I put their feelings first.

stav · 05-12-2008, 03:54 PM

don't let the poor thing try to keep a secret that is too big for her...

perhaps when you have some time alone together, you should bring up the subject, in a mild way, without giving too much detail, but making her aware that you know, and that she doesn't have to try and keep it from you... then let her understand that it's up to her if she wants to ask you anything about it, and you'll do your best to answer, but that there is no pressure if she doesn't want to...

PDJOVER · 05-13-2008, 07:45 AM

Thanks folks.

My W and I have talked to both kids. They are both very upset, but I felt we handled it as well as can be expected. My DD seems to be trying to be too mature. Trying to be my friend rather than my child. Something I need to moniter closely.

swedish · 05-13-2008, 08:55 AM

I think kids naturally fantasize that their parents will work things out and be together again so when someone else comes into the picture, it can be difficult for them especially when they are still just getting used to the idea of the separation. Your DD sounds very sweet and probably wants to know you are doing ok so as long as you show that in front of her she will fall back into the kid role which is probably what she wants anyway. If you need someone to talk to, I hope you reach out in here or to friends. I know this is a tough time for you and I really have a lot of respect for how you have been able to handle everything that's happened.

PDJOVER · 05-13-2008, 06:01 PM

Swedish, thanks again. In answer to a prior question, it is a full blown affair. My W claims that nothing happened until she was sure that the marriage was over. She is moving out this weekend. We told my 9 year old S last night. The OM works at my S's school, but luckily he had surgery and will be out the rest of the year. He had been going up to my S and having talks with him every day at school. I believe trying to make inroads towards his affection. It hurt to hear every day, but I did take the high road. I supported my W during both talks. I did share with my D, that while I thought he was a nice man, I didn't currently have much respect for him.

draconis · 05-13-2008, 08:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PDJOVER

Swedish, thanks again. In answer to a prior question, it is a full blown affair. My W claims that nothing happened until she was sure that the marriage was over. She is moving out this weekend. We told my 9 year old S last night. The OM works at my S's school, but luckily he had surgery and will be out the rest of the year. He had been going up to my S and having talks with him every day at school. I believe trying to make inroads towards his affection. It hurt to hear every day, but I did take the high road. I supported my W during both talks. I did share with my D, that while I thought he was a nice man, I didn't currently have much respect for him.

Neither would I, While he was undermining your marriage he was trying to win one of your kids over? I wonder how the school system would look at that if they had codes of conduct?

But kudos for taking the high road and being civil as well as the nice guy here. It really shows how good your character is.

draconis

stav · 05-14-2008, 03:35 AM

You are obviously a caring man, with the welfare of your kids your priority.

To help your kids get back to being just kids and not 'mates' just keep trying to do all the kid things with them, watching ball games, going to movies, basketball in the yard etc.

Break ups are always hardest on the kids, especially when they are just old enough to understand what is happening, but not WHY. Watch out for them maybe coming to believe that it is somehow their fault you are breaking up. Make the reasons clear.

Keeping civil with your (undeserving) W will at least spare them the heartbreak of seeing you both fighting and saying hurtful things.

swedish · 05-14-2008, 08:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PDJOVER

Swedish, thanks again. In answer to a prior question, it is a full blown affair. My W claims that nothing happened until she was sure that the marriage was over. She is moving out this weekend. We told my 9 year old S last night. The OM works at my S's school, but luckily he had surgery and will be out the rest of the year. He had been going up to my S and having talks with him every day at school. I believe trying to make inroads towards his affection. It hurt to hear every day, but I did take the high road. I supported my W during both talks. I did share with my D, that while I thought he was a nice man, I didn't currently have much respect for him.

I'm sorry to hear that. In that case, I think you said the right thing to her. I think it is a selfish move on their part to let the kids in on their relationship so early on. There is a HUGE chance that the relationship will not work out and the kids have enough on their plate already (as do you). Awesome how you are handling this...keep pushing forward because all of the results are on the scale, in the mirror and in the eyes of those kids every day you continue to do right by them...and whip a glass against the wall if you need to when no one else is around...you are going to come out of this on top

PDJOVER · 05-14-2008, 09:46 AM

Thanks again all. And I am down to 248 from 310 pounds.