how do I at least make one last attempt - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

User Tag List

 335Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-07-2013, 06:46 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
honcho's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 2,662
Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

Well I wrote an email to her mother last night. I havent sent it yet as I am still mulling over whether it makes any sense or not. I stuck to just the facts about my concerns for her health, didnt get into divorce drama, she did this or that kind of stuff.
I dont want it to come across as an attack on her or an i told you so regarding the now ex-bf. This will be the second attempt to contact her mother since she left back in March. The first time I never heard anything from her and that email wasnt an attack at all either. I really have no idea how much or how little her family even knows about our little drama at the end of the day. They dont live in the same city as us so other than hearing just her side of the story, they havent had the joys of hearing the rumor mill daily.
I did run into her boss at her part-time job last night by accident and I have known him for years. He even asked why I or any of my friends had not stopped by his shop for a couple of months and when I told him it was because of the restraining order and till that got dismissed I could have no contact with anyone she worked with or knew. He was in shock, he and none of her co-workers even knew anything about it. How can a person who is so terrifed of me, she wont show up for court hearings, not tell everyone to be on the look-out for me.

honcho is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-08-2013, 08:57 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Middle USA
Posts: 1,203
Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

Let her go.
Don't email the Ex mother in law. You tried that once and got no reply. Her mother is honoring her restraining order & not letting you have contact with her daughter. What does it matter what her mother thinks of the divorce anyway? It's not like you are going to get back with your ex wife.

Believe me, a mother knows. She knows that her daughter needs psychological help.

leave the psycho ex alone.... let her make any lies she wishes to to her friends ..... Get on with your own life.
Chelle D is offline  
post #18 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-09-2013, 01:49 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
honcho's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 2,662
Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

The temporary restraining order was dismissed already. It was such a ludicrous claim that the judge ordered her to pay my attorney fees, reimburse my witnesses for there missed work and if she ever made that wild of a claim again he would put her in jail. Her mother is not honoring anything. Our divorce is not done, wont be done for months even it if goes quick.
Letting her go is different from at least trying to help this girl and protecting myself and getting this divorce done. I dont really much care what people think about me in general, I never have.
No I have not emailed her mother yet, I still havent decided whether I should or not with my concerns for her health.
honcho is online now  
 
post #19 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-10-2013, 04:11 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NEW YORK, NY
Posts: 1,157
Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

Help her as a friend, not as a husband.
illwill is offline  
post #20 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-14-2013, 11:45 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
honcho's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 2,662
Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

As of yet I have not contacted her family I expressed by concerns to my attorney and he relayed it to her attorney. I don't think that would do any good but I told someone and did it about the only way I knew how to without getting some wild claim out of her. I did this on Friday.

Saturday she totaled out her car drunk and spent the night in jail. The arresting officer used to work for me several years ago and gave me the heads up on the situation. She was not injured thankfully.

So back in April I filed an extension on our taxes. She had just filed paperwork and I wasn't "ready" to do tax work at that point. Tomorrow the extensions are due so the taxes need to be done. We have a easy return, anyway, we have a balance due of 13 bucks. I tell my lawyer I have them ready, she needs to sign and we can mail them out. He informs her attorney.

Again this in theory shouldn't be a big project. Her attorney then calls and wants to discuss how we are going to pay the 13 bucks, really we needed a phone conference to discuss 13 bucks. I agree to pay the full balance due. Next we have to have another phone conference about how she is going to sign. I tell her attorney I will drop them off at his office and she can stop there and sign them and mail it out. She then refuses that offer because she claims she fears that I will be waiting in the parking lot for her. Even her lawyer had a hard time saying it without laughing.

So long story short near as I can figure she spent 700 bucks on attorney fees today, just to figure out how to sign a piece of paper and I wasted over 2 hours of my time and my lawyer probably wasted an hour of his. All this for a signature and 13 bucks.

She really has more problems like her upcoming drunk driving hearing, figuring out what she will live in now that the car is junk, yet even the simple is hard right now. I cant wait till we start dealing on the house value etc.
honcho is online now  
post #21 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-25-2013, 07:55 AM
Member
 
LongWalk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Europe
Posts: 11,200
Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

Hospitalization is the only solution
LongWalk is offline  
post #22 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-25-2013, 08:18 AM
Member
 
BFGuru's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 685
Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

Has she had other odd moments like this? Has she been medicated for a while? What is her official diagnosis? This seriously sounds like schizoaffective disorder and no amount of marriage counseling will help that. Does she truly believe you are breaking in? Stabbing her teddy bear? Is she hallucinating?

She needs help. Much more than you can provide for her and she may not even accept your help, but it almost sounds like she needs a stay in the hospital. I'm sorry. I hope something happens to get her the help she needs. This cannot be easy.
BFGuru is offline  
post #23 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-25-2013, 03:29 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
honcho's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 2,662
Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

She had been taking Lexipro for 8 years, I dont honestly know what the official diagonsis was. She didnt want to tell me and the pills were working so I didnt press her on it.

Before starting Lexipro she had become almost unbearable to live with, yelling, mad at the world. She had lost 2 jobs because of her temper that year. At that time I convinced her to see a doctor and they prescribed Lexipro and honestly did wonders for her temper and was the person I had married again. She was always a yeller, but her entire family is like that, I just figured it was learned behavior.

3 years ago now, boy how time flys, she lost a very good job for an incident that was completely out of character for her. Lost company car, phone, our health insurance all was paid by her employer. As with most people who loose a good job, when they start looking for new work, they dont pay enough, benefits arent good etc. Then she wasnt looking for a job that hard, I knew she was getting depressed about that situation and other things going on. She quit leaving the house, always saying she couldnt afford gas etc which wasnt the problem, I made enough to keep us going. She was making the home a prison for herself seemingly with Dr. Phil and Ophra becoming her friends so to speak.
I got her a part-time job which wasnt a good paying job, but it had lots of contact with people and she loves to talk and I thought having her get out of house, see and talk to people would help her. While it helped in some aspects, she was getting more frustrated, her temper started coming back. This also coincided with her monthly cycles getting less frequent, spotty periods.

In January she had a doctors appointment and immediately after that appointment she was more depressed. Very aggitated, super short temper. By February she seemed a lil happier, getting out of the house more, little did I know at that time this is when the OM came into picture. He is retired and they saw each other while I was at work. She announced to me that she quit taking her medication 1st of February and by end of February she was moving out of our house, talking and acting crazy and moved in with her OM. Though to this day she wont even admit he exists.

Soon after this everything she has done has been completely out of character for her. She started drinking, partying hard. She was telling everyone in town the most outlandish stories about me. Then she started telling people she feared me, which I will never understand. Any story to keep up the illusion that I drove her away? I dont know. The stories and crazy texts from her that I was getting were wild, I actually started doing the 180 before I knew there was a term for it back in May for fear of her and what that head of hers was cooking up. I figured till she got tossed out of OM house which everyone knew would happen and normally takes about 3 months before he gets bored it was pointless to talk to her. She was in fantasyland and all I had to offer was the real world.

When she got tossed out of OM home is when the teddy bear massacre happened. I do think in her head she believes I did it even though the person responsible told her she had done it. It was the OM new girlfriend who was ready to move in. Yet she still went and got a temp restraining order. The police even told her I was not responsible, they knew who did it,yet she said they all lied cause they like me better than her according to cop.

My stbxw has always done this though, she will convince herself of the things and no matter how much evidence or how many people tell she is wrong she just wont believe it. She must be right in her head. She has wanted me to be the bad guy.

I havent physically seen or spoken to her since the end of May. The crazy text messages from her stopped at the end of July when she filed the restraining order fiasco. She has now found an apartment from what I have heard. Her lawyer keeps spewing out this nonsense that she fears for her life around me to the point she wont even attend a court hearing. Every single person who has seen her or talked to her over the last couple months says the same thing, she talks crazy, she looks horrible. I never sent the email to her mother, figured after she totaled the car even they have to see what a mess she has become.

And for as much as I want to help her, I dont know how to, heck I would like to just send her a text and let her know her dogs and cat are doing ok but I fear she will just try another order or a stalking claim or whatever. She has dug a huge hole of a mess, in the past when she has done this I always cleaned up the mess cause she just runs away from the problem. Its not just her mess, its our mess, I understand that. She just reacts to the moment without thinking about future consequenses, I tend to look at the future consequenses, figure out what may or may not go wrong, then act. Right now she is too much of a wildcard to predict and even if she called me tomorrow and asked to see me, I probably wouldnt unless there were witnesses around. She needs help whether we get divorced or not.
honcho is online now  
post #24 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-25-2013, 03:50 PM
Member
 
LongWalk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Europe
Posts: 11,200
My brother died of schizophrenia. Sucks. Drains energy and money.

Posted via Topify using iPhone/iPad
LongWalk is offline  
post #25 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-26-2013, 03:38 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 44
how do I at least make one last attempt

Schizoaffective disorder was the first thing I thought of too. Although hormonal problems can also cause psychosis and delusions, so it's possible it's a hormonal thing with menopause on top of whatever she was on meds for. It is odd that she never wanted to tell you what she was diagnosed with; that suggests it was something aside from depression since that would be the obvious guess with taking lexapro. This may have been going on a while but been somewhat controlled with the meds and then you helping fix things when that wasn't enough. But either way it does sound like she's currently very sick with how erratic her behavior is. Even if she wanted you to be the bad guy, anyone in their right mind wouldn't make claims everyone else knew was so blatantly false. It just makes her look crazy, and she wouldn't do that repeatedly if she was just being vindictive. It really sounds like she's living in her own world and doesn't know what's real anymore. I'm sure the substance abuse doesn't help with whatever illness she has going on. The sudden substance abuse is also a huge red flag that it's a mental illness issue.

It's great you still want to help her. I mean when you think about it, she is sick and it's not really her fault this is happening. It's great you want to help her through this rather than just abandon her when things got bad. But you also can't let your life be made hell forever if she's not going to let you help. Unless you can find a way to prove she's an immediate danger to herself or others, it's going to be very difficult to get her hospitalized. Which is really what she needs and may be the only thing that could help at this point. And it's hard to prove she's a danger if she's not in contact with you. Unless you can find someone who is in contact with her to try and get her help it's probably impossible to do anything. Really you might need to just move on. If an opportunity to help her arises, then maybe see if you want to take it. But for right now you've literally done all you can. It's great you care so much about her well being, but I don't know what else you can do. And eventually it's going to take a toll on you.

beautiful_seclusion is offline  
post #26 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-27-2013, 03:28 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
honcho's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 2,662
Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

Back when she first started taking the lexipro, I could understand why she never really said what the official diagnosis was, I perceived it as something that may make her feel embarrassed, what you discuss with a doctor is private. The Lexipro was working there was near immediate results so in my simple world, I didn't push her at all, thought it was the correct decision at the time.

In the beginning of this whole mess, I thought her actions were just pure vindictive but it has been just too weird, too chaotic, just too outlandish to be vindictive. Even the temp order that she got, the story was insane how she got a judge to buy it ill never know.

On day one I figured it was revenge cause her relationship blew up just like I had told her it would and she hates it when Im right. At first she filed it without a lawyer but once she hired a lawyer, well she spent thousands of dollars on the lawyer chasing this order, I know how much I spent and her lawyer is twice mines rate. She is cheap, she hates spending money she just wouldn't throw that kind of money away to get revenge on me. Let alone how much she had to reimburse to my lawyer, witnesses etc.

When she first left our home and one of the very few times we talked, she talked about how empty, hollow she felt inside, obviously her self esteem was low and the OM was giving her attention, she was escaping the world so to speak having fun. I understand that stuff and I understand she didn't feel comfortable enough in our relationship to discuss the empty, hollow feelings or if she could even put them into words. It was about the last "sane" conversation we had.

I could write a whole book on the insane delusions, crazy stories I have heard, her actions during this mess. Some of the stories and the usual bad mouthing divorce stories, lets face it when going thru divorce people rarely say well hes great I just want out. But this fear of me that she has, the sending spys checking up on her, she is telling people that any man I see her with I start making death threats against him cause I am insanely jealous. If she sees anybody I know she will run out of the place, last week it happened two times with co-workers who were shopping. My stbx sees them, she leaves her cart in the middle of the aisle and heads out the door.

When the police first served me the paperwork on the order months ago now, he "professional" opinion was she couldn't let me go and that is why she was doing all this. She has spent too much cash on lawyers etc to just be vindictive and we don't have some million dollar break-up here. Even today, now that she has an apartment, while in the beginning she cleared out rooms in the house she didn't take things like bed, kitchen items, daily life stuff you need. Much of which is pre-maritial, we aren't fighting over it. Ive offered to her attorney she can come and get the stuff whenever she wants it yet I never receive an answer.
honcho is online now  
post #27 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-29-2013, 12:52 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
honcho's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 2,662
Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

So in the seemingly never ending weird situation. My stbxw since then end of July has not tried to contact me. The only communication has been via lawyer. As I have stated in earlier posts she has asked for silly little things via the attorney.

One of the conficts that has popped up during this is the cellphone she is using. She keeps claiming its her private phone, even claimed it was hers in the retraining order debacle. The issue is it isn't her phone, it is one of the company phones that I work for, she has never paid the bill and its not in her name, its not in my name either. The company has requested the phone back several times to never get any answer from her or her attorney. The sheriffs dept even told her back in July to return the phone and get her own.

Today I get a call from the cellphone carrier that she now wants to have the phone put into her name and would the company release the phone to her. We have a settlement hearing in less that 2 weeks and I figured at that time we would have to cover the phone and take care of the issue. I informed the cell carrier that we would not be releasing the phone, inform her to contact her lawyer to contact mine and they could discuss it.

The whole call caught me off guard, after months of her attorney covering every little item, now she is off trying to do stuff on her own again. She knew I wouldn't just release the phone, its never been her property and she had the people at the cell carrier call me when I am not even the person the phones are listed under, the should have been calling the owner of the company.

Im lost as to why all of a sudden she is trying to handle something again and not her lawyer, the timing of it, why now after all this time and we have a settlement hearing shortly where this could be addressed. And if she wants to fall back on her usual too afraid to talk to me, fear for her life story she wants to keep going with, why would she want to keep the phone instead of getting a new phone number so I have no way to contact her. As usual I am lost of the play here, it doesn't make much sense, it would be nice for her to actually pay the bill but for a person who claims she cant pay for anything to now suddenly wants another 50 buck a month bill when she has had it for free all this time. Im lost.
honcho is online now  
post #28 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-29-2013, 06:46 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 44
how do I at least make one last attempt

Can you have the company turn off the phone? Are you paying for it? Who knows why she's doing this, but maybe it'd be best if you stop making things so easy for her. She needs to pay for her own phone and she may just be using little things as a way to keep the drama going longer.
beautiful_seclusion is offline  
post #29 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-29-2013, 07:43 AM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 6
Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

After all this you still want to help her and stay with her lol?
Posted via Mobile Device
Dimepiece is offline  
post #30 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-29-2013, 01:48 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
honcho's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 2,662
Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

the company i work for pays for the phone, I dont. It has been discussed in the past about just shutting it off however the lawyer games have kept getting involved with infringing on her liberties etc and neither lawyer seems to want to discuss or come to a conclusion regarding the phone.

Its just been a sore subject since almost day one and for whatever reason it never seems to truly get resolved. The company I work for takes the stance, they want the phone back, its not her property, if she wants to keep it then reimburse for the months she has been using it.

Just transfering it to her name while ends the headache to a point, really all it does yet again is allow the crazy girl to do whatever she wants without any ramifications, she knows its not hers, she has been using it for months, she has shown no regard for responsibility for payment etc.

As I stated I just informed the carrier to have her lawyer contact mine, they can figure it out. The timing of it all is just strange and her lawyer would not have told her to do this. And with all the stunts she has pulled, well it does make anyone paranoid and second guess everything. She wants to be responsible she pay her lawyer to handle it and quit doing whatever she pleases
honcho is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
most likely a failed R attempt QBall_1981 Reconciliation 44 03-20-2014 07:02 AM
One LAST attempt?? FrustratedFL Going Through Divorce or Separation 8 09-27-2011 03:04 PM
1st attempt at help gembob20 General Relationship Discussion 2 09-19-2011 09:36 AM
Do I Attempt To Intervene? chrs0111 Relationships and Addiction 7 02-26-2010 12:03 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome