how do I at least make one last attempt - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-05-2013, 02:58 PM Thread Starter
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how do I at least make one last attempt

Hello, I have never posted on here before. My wife left on March and I am frankly still as lost today as i was the day she left. Have been married 15 years, dated 2 before that, we are both in our late 40's and have no children.
Like so many I thought we had a great marriage, even 2 weeks before she left she was telling me I was the love of her life, that she was happy. Being a simple guy that tells me all is right in the married world, we dont have any big problems as far as I know.
2 weeks later she walks into the house, tells me she doesnt love me anymore, she hates me because we never had a child, twins actually, and she moved out and moved in with another man. Ironic part of this is, she couldnt have children and she never wanted to adopt. I know the person she moved in with, we live in a small town, known him for 30 years, so I knew how that relationship would go, after 2 or 3 months he would get bored and out she would go.
My wife has had depression issues for several years and was taking medication which she quit taking shortly before she left which was about the time her perimenoupausal syptoms starting going into overdrive. She has been out of work for 2 years and working just a part-time job which she is overqualified for. Her father was hitting the more advanced stages of alzheimers and that was taking a toll on her. And one of her beloved dogs had advanced cancer and her time was just about up.
Its like I hit a perfect storm of everything at once hitting her and its like she just snapped. She wanted to run away from her life and change everything.
She filed for divorce without telling me, one day she cleaned out the bank accounts out of the blue. One day I came home and most of the furniture was gone out of house and she basically has been driven to destroy my life since then. She calls the police with claims that I am breaking into her cellphone and reading her text messeges, she calls them claiming I am sending spies into her place of employment keeping a watch on her none of which is true. She will send me a text once in a while with crazy demands and refuses to ever talk about anything. We havent spoken or seen each other since the end of May. I told her several times before that when she is ready to address the issues or problems she feels are in our marriage I would be more than happy to talk, we could go to a therapist, meet with her family whatever I would be willing. If she wanted to discusss breaking up the marriage and how we will divide things up etc, we can sit down and discuss that.
She just refuses to talk, even her demands dont make sense, she wanted her clothes out of house at one point after I finally changed the locks. I told her to call me and arrange a time to pick them up, yet she refuses to pick them up. I offered to deliver and she says she is scared of me, how or why I will never know. Anyway why demand, when you have no intention of picking up or wanting them delivered?
The now ex-boyfriend threw her out at the end of July, just like every single person in town told her would happen and the day it happens she files a restraining order against me accusing me of breaking into her boyfriends house and stabbing her favorite teddy bear in the heart....I was not even in the state when this incident occurred and had plenty of witnesses etc. It was a joke which finally got dismissed yet this girl just says everyone lied for me cause they like me better than her.
She has done the most outlandish and crazy things these last few months, she needs some help. When she was living with the other man, she was in fantasy land, it was non-stop partying, he is retired and has money. I knew sooner or later that would end so I told her that when she is ready to talk or when he finally throws you out to not have too much pride, that I will listen, I want to listen and I want to understand what is happening with her life. and if she needs help I would help her.
Every single person who has met or talked to her since she left all agree, she has had some sort of mental issue going on. She is now living in her car even though she has the financial means to get a house or apartment. I would leave our house and let her have it if she wanted it, we arent in a bad position moneywise.
So I have rambled, given you some highlights of the year of hell so far, we are no farther along in divorce proceedings as far as any negotions than we were on day one cause she wont make any decisions or cant. Even her own lawyers says she doesnt apprear rational, she refused to show up for hearings. I still to this day want to help this girl out, she is the love of my life. Do I believe we can ever be a happy married couple again, I honestly dont know and yet I am still willing to try and at least get some true closure if that be the case. All the books, all the internet sites etc, it all comes down to communication, talking openly with one another, its not hard, things may be hard to hear but at least its a starting point.
Yet as much as I want to send her a text and try at least one more time, at least tell her that her dogs I am caring for are doing well, she had 4 dogs, ask her how her father is doing, cause I care about him.
Simply how do I at least try and get her to start talking one last time. Even if its deciding how we are going to divide up the house etc. It sure would be much easier if the two people who it affects could make some decisions instead of lawyers and courts who at the end of the day just dont care.

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post #2 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-05-2013, 03:15 PM
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Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

It sounds like she has settled into some level of long term psychosis.

The first thing she needs is someone who cares enough about her to help her get the help she needs. I doubt you can have any kind of marriage with her in her current state. Does she have any family member who can help her? Someone who can get her to see a doctor?

Until she is rational you need to stay away from her since she is accusing you of some pretty bad things.

As for the divorce. If she will not show up you can still get your divorce. I highly suggest this. Be fair in your offer and ask your judge to get you a divorce .. the judge can sign it if she refuses to.

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post #3 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-05-2013, 03:18 PM
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Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

You can't resolve crazy. She sounds seriously mentally ill.
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post #4 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-05-2013, 03:44 PM
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Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

kidnap her & bring her to a marriage counseling appointment.

Seriously:
I don't know. Sounds hopeless to me. Sounds like you would do better with getting some individual counseling so you can get past her & be able to be happy out there on you own.
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post #5 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-05-2013, 04:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

She most likely wont listen to her family and I have thought about trying to contact them. Her father was the one in her family whom I liked and enjoyed spending time and the only one she would ever listen to and unfortunately with his alzheimers that is no longer an option. She has several brothers and sisters, all have been divorced multiple times, all dont have personalities to stand up to her. Not trying to sound mean, its actually one of the things I liked about my wife but she has a strong personality and wont back down when she is "normal" Her family wont make hard decisions or stand up I guess. She has alientated all of her old friends, casting them aside for all these "great new friends" she met thru her now ex-boyfriend who have all bailed out of her life too

as silly as it sounds I still am the only one crazy enough to want to help her at this point. While in an ideal world our marriage might be able to be saved, no one can predict that and I have never just said come home it will be alright. This society humors the crazy, hoping the problem just goes away or let the next person deal with it. I guess I am just too stubborn and look at her as being sick and needing help. Im the only one willing apparently and while it would be nice to just say, wait till she hits bottom, well its been an agonizing decent to bottom for me to watch.
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post #6 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-05-2013, 04:47 PM
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Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

Hi H,

I am sorry that you are going through this at the moment, your wife and her actions seem very irrational and I am sure you are having a heck of a time understanding all this.

15 years is a long time to have been with someone, honestly it sounds like you would need counseling just to be able to deal with all of her emotions and actions that have come your way.

Sounds a bit crazy but those hormones can make you act strange, but I still know you can be in control of your actions. Sounds like she hasn't been following her medication routine and everything is off.

If someone else is involved that's just another problem added to the works, and she is probably blaming you because of the breakdown of that and herself.

I agree with E are you able to get a family member that may be able to help is there someone you can reach out to for her help you know she won't and isn't in a position to accept it from you, as they don't listen or want to hear it from their spouse that's normal.

Bit difficult this one, but you can only be responsible for you at this point, and I would make sure that you are getting the support that you need.

When you love someone it's never easy watching them self destruct, but you know that you cannot fix her.
Best wishes

Peace
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post #7 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-05-2013, 05:46 PM
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Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

honcho,

Sorry you are here. No closure is tough to deal with. Your story sounds a lot like mine. Wife in late 40's who was pillow of the community goes nuts. None of our friends have any clue what happened to her. She had a complete 180 degree turn in her way of life. Very small community so I feel for you and understand how hurtful all of this is.

Had the two of you ever been in IC om MC before? Sounds almost like a personality disorder to me. From what I read a lot of high functioning NPDs, BPDs are able to hide their problems from for years.

I got a lot of help from reading on this web site for men who are recovering from relationships with abusive women and the non-abusive family and friends who love them | Shrink4Men there are a lot of good articles posted here to help you understand what you are facing.

Please stay away from her because I think she will turn on you during this divorce. My STBXW went from wanting nothing to wanting everything over night.

Find a link to the 180 on TAM and do the 180 for your own good.
You did not cause her to be this way. You can not control her actions. You can not fix her. Keep you chin up!

" The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” C.S. Lewis
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post #8 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-05-2013, 06:50 PM
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If she does not freeze to death in her car, sooner or later she will call to ask for help or yell at you. Worse she might end up hospitalized against her will. They may call you, so prepare yourself for more agony

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post #9 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-06-2013, 01:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

Hello, thank you, I appreciate the comments so far. We have never been in any type of counseling. We didn't have a bad marriage, we didn't fight about money, usually disagreements between us were over little things, what color to paint a room, usual nothing out of the ordinary stuff.
I know she is off her meds, she told me that, several months ago, was the same conversation where she told me how much she has started to like drinking beer....another long story.

She already wants everything, its been that way since day one, she just wont pick any of it up after I changed the locks on the house. And really at the end of the day its just stuff and junk, it doesn't mean anything. She wanted this divorce I figured since the beginning to try and make it as easy as possible, get it done quick, Im not even fighting over that kind of stuff, we have a simple divorce with no kids. At first I figured make it quick and easy, get out of her life, quit being the focal point of her anger or fear or whatever. Let her fantasyland blow up without me and then see where the chips may fall then.
But since the beginning she has just progressed further into paranoid delusions for lack of a better way to put it. She needs help.
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post #10 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-06-2013, 02:06 AM
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As long as you remain married, the authorities may contact you. But if you are divorced, they may not. Mental illness is so hard to control because the person who is ill cannot think clearly about their condition

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post #11 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-06-2013, 03:16 AM
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Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

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Originally Posted by LongWalk View Post
As long as you remain married, the authorities may contact you. But if you are divorced, they may not. Mental illness is so hard to control because the person who is ill cannot think clearly about their condition
Yep. Yet our laws say the mentally ill, in a state of delusion/psychoses can decide whether or not they want treatment.

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post #12 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-06-2013, 03:19 AM
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Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

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She most likely wont listen to her family and I have thought about trying to contact them. Her father was the one in her family whom I liked and enjoyed spending time and the only one she would ever listen to and unfortunately with his alzheimers that is no longer an option. She has several brothers and sisters, all have been divorced multiple times, all dont have personalities to stand up to her. Not trying to sound mean, its actually one of the things I liked about my wife but she has a strong personality and wont back down when she is "normal" Her family wont make hard decisions or stand up I guess. She has alientated all of her old friends, casting them aside for all these "great new friends" she met thru her now ex-boyfriend who have all bailed out of her life too

as silly as it sounds I still am the only one crazy enough to want to help her at this point. While in an ideal world our marriage might be able to be saved, no one can predict that and I have never just said come home it will be alright. This society humors the crazy, hoping the problem just goes away or let the next person deal with it. I guess I am just too stubborn and look at her as being sick and needing help. Im the only one willing apparently and while it would be nice to just say, wait till she hits bottom, well its been an agonizing decent to bottom for me to watch.
I understand your concern and desire to help even now.

The problem is that our laws do not back you up.

If you have a lot of money you might be able to get her committed and in treatment until she's stable. But if you don't, then it's up to state paid services and they just do not have the money or the inclination to really help anyone.

You could text her and offer that she comes home. Just see how that goes. But you could be inviting someone that you really no longer know is will cause you great emotional harm.

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Last edited by EleGirl; 06-28-2014 at 02:58 AM.
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post #13 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-06-2013, 05:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

I understand completely how the laws don't back me up at all regarding her mental state. The whole "mental state" what is normal, not normal is an incredibly slippery slope when it comes to rights etc. I do know in the state I live in even if a doctor would rule her mentally incompetent she still has every right to get a divorce, which I find personally quite weird but they didn't ask my opinion when they made the law now did they.

Even if she did call me tomorrow and ask to come home it wouldn't happen, I would help her get an apartment or home, would try to help her anyway I could. Her smartest move at this point would be to ask me cause she knows I would do just about anything to put her in a position to succeed rather fail. I decided long ago in this ordeal that I wouldn't just give in to hate and anger. She has wanted me to be the bad guy since the start to justify her "crusade" and I haven't.

Long term my desire is to stay married to this woman and have a happy life with her but we have many fences to mend and until we can at least say hello to each other its a mute point. She may have changed too much or be too crazy to ever live with again but again time will tell that.
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post #14 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-06-2013, 05:11 PM
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Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

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Originally Posted by arked View Post
I got a lot of help from reading on this web site for men who are recovering from relationships with abusive women and the non-abusive family and friends who love them | Shrink4Men there are a lot of good articles posted here to help you understand what you are facing.
very good link arked, thanks for posting it
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post #15 of 414 (permalink) Old 10-06-2013, 08:22 PM
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Re: how do I at least make one last attempt

Have you contacted her family other than her dad? Maybe all of you can try to get her the help she needs.

Maybe you can call someone who deals with mentally ill people and they can help you get her in a hospital where she need to be and have her checked out by a doctor and get her back on her meds. It's impossible to be rational with someone who is irrational but at least call around. I would hate to see something happen to her when in truth she's really not at fault because of her mental condition. Best of luck to you. Keep us informed because you need people to talk to and we are here for what it's worth.
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