So, I went to therapy today. My therapist doesn't really say much. He pretty much repeats to me key things that I say. It makes me hear what I have said, I think.
One of the things I discussed was that fact that my husband missed his therapy appointment last Thursday. I told my husband to try to call the doctor for a phone session, or try to reschedule it for the next day, Friday. He refused and said that he was fine. Then, today, the day of my appointment and after making the call, he tells me that he called the doctor and asked if he could schedule the appointment directly after mine and asks me if I am okay with that.
Why would he make the call and then ask me if I was okay with it. It wasn't okay with me, but I told him it was. I mean, first of all, who was I to deny him medical treatment when needed? At the same time, why did he feel the need to see the doctor directly following my appointment. Did he expect we would go to the doctor together? Did he just want to try to get a feel of my emotional state upon leaving my appointment? What would make him think that I would want to see him at all directly after my appointment?
These types of appointments are not like getting a simple check up at your general physician's office. I mean, the doctor doesn't just check your eyes, ears, nose and throat. Upon arriving at these appointments, during these appointments, and departing from these appointments you are in your most vulnerable and sometimes super-painful state of mind. I don't even want to pass my husband in the hallway when I go to my appointments. Luckily, there was no available appointment for him to attend, and upon explaining my feeling to the doctor I was assured that my husband's appointments would never be scheduled adjacent to mine. He told me that it would remain that way unless or until I had clearly expressed to him that I was okay with it. IT'S MY TIME TO EXPRESS MYSELF AND BE ME? How can I do that knowing that I will have to look at him, and acknowledge his presence either directly before or directly after my appointment.
I told my doctor that while I do not want to hate my husband, I do not want to love him or care about what he thinks anymore. I told him that I was not sure that I would ever be able to get over what he has done to me. I told him that I did not think that I was able to accept his kindness, and that I think I am damaged from all that I have been through with him. I added that I thought that I need not be worried about saving my marriage right now, as I had a lot of open wounds still that needed suturing. He agreed that my pain is still fresh.
He told me that I used that pain to protect myself now. He said that he did not believe that I wanted to get over what my husband has done to me. I told him that he was right. If I do let go of what he has done to me then I become a doormat all over again. I will be too vulnerable and become stuck again. He asked me if that was truly the way I viewed it. I told him that it was. He then put it into a little more perspective for me. My dilemma was that I let it go and give my husband control over me once again, or don't let it go and fear the pain or regret of divorce. He is right. This is my dilemma. However, not letting go of all that my husband, and step-daughter, have done to me seems a lot easier than trusting them ever again. I will not be vulnerable to losing control over my own life again. I can start anew. Meet someone that I will not fear and surely never allow to mestreat me.
I was strong before I met my husband. I was raised an independent woman. I never allowed anyone to tell me what to do when I was growing up. I always found my own way. Pain, or no pain. I was a leader, not a follower. I liked myself, and would have never considered ending it all, or giving in simply because I was afraid of how someone else would feel about it.
I had major stress growing up in a broken home. It was just me, my very young mother and slightly younger sister. My dad was never around. He had abandoned us before I had even turned two. My sister was just 3 months old when he left. My mother worked three jobs while us girls were growing up. Times were always tough and we were very poor. We three girls butted heads all the time. The lights, water and phone were always getting cut-off and the repo-man was always after my mom's car, as it was hidden either in the back yard or down the street. Still, I was strong. The stress never affected me physically, and I never let it get me down for more than a day or two. I simply dealt with it. I got through it, and never looked to anyone else for guidance or assistance. I got a job by fourteen and helped my mom pay the bills. I sucked it up. I guess what I am trying to say is that I know I have it in me somewhere to be strong. It's how I was raised. My own family told me that they did not recognize me for the last several years of my marriage. They new that things were not right at home and even told me they believed that I was being abused and controlled. They were right.
I told my therapist today that I was damaged and wanted to heal, but never wanted to forget anything that I have been through. Not as a child. Not as an adult.
I will try to work on kicking my bad habit, my addiction, my co-dependency, my husband.
I don't ever want to feel controlled, or trapped ever again. I just have to find a way to resist him and not care about how he feels. I have to mean more than him. This is the hard part. :banghead: :scratchhead:
I cried again today and it felt good.
One of the things I discussed was that fact that my husband missed his therapy appointment last Thursday. I told my husband to try to call the doctor for a phone session, or try to reschedule it for the next day, Friday. He refused and said that he was fine. Then, today, the day of my appointment and after making the call, he tells me that he called the doctor and asked if he could schedule the appointment directly after mine and asks me if I am okay with that.
Why would he make the call and then ask me if I was okay with it. It wasn't okay with me, but I told him it was. I mean, first of all, who was I to deny him medical treatment when needed? At the same time, why did he feel the need to see the doctor directly following my appointment. Did he expect we would go to the doctor together? Did he just want to try to get a feel of my emotional state upon leaving my appointment? What would make him think that I would want to see him at all directly after my appointment?
These types of appointments are not like getting a simple check up at your general physician's office. I mean, the doctor doesn't just check your eyes, ears, nose and throat. Upon arriving at these appointments, during these appointments, and departing from these appointments you are in your most vulnerable and sometimes super-painful state of mind. I don't even want to pass my husband in the hallway when I go to my appointments. Luckily, there was no available appointment for him to attend, and upon explaining my feeling to the doctor I was assured that my husband's appointments would never be scheduled adjacent to mine. He told me that it would remain that way unless or until I had clearly expressed to him that I was okay with it. IT'S MY TIME TO EXPRESS MYSELF AND BE ME? How can I do that knowing that I will have to look at him, and acknowledge his presence either directly before or directly after my appointment.
I told my doctor that while I do not want to hate my husband, I do not want to love him or care about what he thinks anymore. I told him that I was not sure that I would ever be able to get over what he has done to me. I told him that I did not think that I was able to accept his kindness, and that I think I am damaged from all that I have been through with him. I added that I thought that I need not be worried about saving my marriage right now, as I had a lot of open wounds still that needed suturing. He agreed that my pain is still fresh.
He told me that I used that pain to protect myself now. He said that he did not believe that I wanted to get over what my husband has done to me. I told him that he was right. If I do let go of what he has done to me then I become a doormat all over again. I will be too vulnerable and become stuck again. He asked me if that was truly the way I viewed it. I told him that it was. He then put it into a little more perspective for me. My dilemma was that I let it go and give my husband control over me once again, or don't let it go and fear the pain or regret of divorce. He is right. This is my dilemma. However, not letting go of all that my husband, and step-daughter, have done to me seems a lot easier than trusting them ever again. I will not be vulnerable to losing control over my own life again. I can start anew. Meet someone that I will not fear and surely never allow to mestreat me.
I was strong before I met my husband. I was raised an independent woman. I never allowed anyone to tell me what to do when I was growing up. I always found my own way. Pain, or no pain. I was a leader, not a follower. I liked myself, and would have never considered ending it all, or giving in simply because I was afraid of how someone else would feel about it.
I had major stress growing up in a broken home. It was just me, my very young mother and slightly younger sister. My dad was never around. He had abandoned us before I had even turned two. My sister was just 3 months old when he left. My mother worked three jobs while us girls were growing up. Times were always tough and we were very poor. We three girls butted heads all the time. The lights, water and phone were always getting cut-off and the repo-man was always after my mom's car, as it was hidden either in the back yard or down the street. Still, I was strong. The stress never affected me physically, and I never let it get me down for more than a day or two. I simply dealt with it. I got through it, and never looked to anyone else for guidance or assistance. I got a job by fourteen and helped my mom pay the bills. I sucked it up. I guess what I am trying to say is that I know I have it in me somewhere to be strong. It's how I was raised. My own family told me that they did not recognize me for the last several years of my marriage. They new that things were not right at home and even told me they believed that I was being abused and controlled. They were right.
I told my therapist today that I was damaged and wanted to heal, but never wanted to forget anything that I have been through. Not as a child. Not as an adult.
I will try to work on kicking my bad habit, my addiction, my co-dependency, my husband.
I don't ever want to feel controlled, or trapped ever again. I just have to find a way to resist him and not care about how he feels. I have to mean more than him. This is the hard part. :banghead: :scratchhead:
I cried again today and it felt good.