kurt

My wife and I had a very strong relationship for 8 years, with 100% trust. But after suffering several months of mild depression, I had a 4-week emotional affair. Stupid. My wife discovered what was going on. She moved out of our bedroom, and was emotionally upset for several weeks. She lost a lot of weight, and told me she cried at night. I didn't take it seriously. Again, stupid. Then about 3 weeks after she discovered the affair, my wife unexpectedly left me and took the kids and all of her belongings.

I was stunned and deeply saddened. But knowing that I had done something horribly wrong, I agreed to give her some space, and I even helped her move her furniture to the moving vans. Later that evening, I begged her to reconsider, and I promised to never see the woman again. But on the day my wife left, I realized she had blown the affair completely out of proportion, claiming it was a physical affair that had lasted for a year. She told me she couldn't live in the same house with me any more, and that God led her to move out. She told me I would never change, and that I refused to admit that I was wrong. She also said we had our entire lifetimes to figure things out, but right now, she just needed to get healthy and happy. I love her, so I calmly agreed to let her do what she needed to do.

The day after she left, she promised we would talk on the phone every day. She also promised that arrangements would be made for my family and me to see the children. She did return my calls for two days. However, on the third day, she completely cut off all communication: email, instant messaging, Facebook, phone... everything. Her family and our mutual friends hang up the phone when I call. This is so unbelievable to me, because I was good friends with her parents and her girlfriend. Her girlfriend's children, who adored me for years, even hung up the phone on me. It breaks my heart.

Three weeks after my wife left, I texted her best friend. She texted back that my wife needed some time to figure out a lot of feelings. When I asked why my wife wouldn't communicate with me, I was told she is trying to sort out her own feelings first.

After several weeks of deep prayer and spiritual study, I was led to attempt some sort of communication.

On week 3, I mailed her lovely card apologizing for taking our relationship for granted, and expressing my exclusive special love for her.

On week 4, I mailed her a long letter with evidence on how I admitted to and corrected the mistakes I had made. Also I wrote about my new, refreshing outlook on our relationship and my commitment to daily working on our relationship.

It has been 6 weeks since she vanished. I still have zero information about what is going on. I'm getting stronger through my spiritual study, but I still have a great deal of sadness in my heart for my dear wife and children.

Is my wife just cooling off? Or is she gone for good?

Should I keep trying to make contact, or should I back off?

pochael

Well... Maybe it is God's way for you to get right with him. Yes, you did wrong. And you have to be patient with her. I know I sound like a broken record on this but what saved my marriage and changed everything in my life, to situations that could never be changed was the book called the love dare. It takes about 40 days to do, but it is the most amazing thing I ever tried in my life. It brought me closer to God, and saved my un-reapirable marriage.

firetruckred

My situation isn't all that different from yours Kurt but did a few more things wrong and lasted longer.

About 1.5 years ago my wife and I moved to a new state for work and left behind all of our family and friends. We were excited for the move but after getting here she thrived and I got depressed and lonely. That lead me to seek friendship outside of the normal ways, I went online to an adult chatroom and spent money there to chat with a woman over seas. I was always open about my marriage there but ultimately shouldn't have been there spending money and should have instead been speaking with my wife about my problems.

About 2 months ago my wife confronted me when she was looking at our budget thinking we should have more money in savings. I lied to her and told her something misleading and two weeks later she moved out when I was away at work. I had no idea she was so upset as to move out. I did know that we'd need to work in things. It has been 2 months now and the contact has gotten less and less. She at first accepted my calls from time to time and I've learned to apologize to her but in recent weeks she's pulled away even more, removing most any connection we have with each other.

I have a very hard time not calling her or texting her so I commend you for being able to control yourself. I can't say whether yours is cooling off or is gone for good. Mine has told me she does not plan to be back but I have nothing to lose to act as if it can be worked on. So my recommendation is to love her to death, make contact as you have, from time to time, showing the changes you made and perspective you have. Tell her you love her and stay positive in your voice. That's what I'm doing and if in the end she still doesn't respond to me at least I know in my heart that I made the effort to love her until the end.

michzz

Could be she was wanting an exit but didn't want to be the bad guy. You doing what yo did gave her a way out where she can blame you.

If I were you I would not rely on her intentions regarding your ability to see your children.

As for seeing her, that is another story.

Seek legal counsel. There is more here than she is letting you know. Not suggesting she is doing something like dating, but she is one pissed off wife.

Insist on seeing your kids. If she refuses to let you, remind her that they are your children too. She does not have the right to limit your contact.

cb45

u either left out something or your W was looking for
any excuse to leave ya, based on......her affair(s), not enough
$$$$ ?, your pot-belly?, your previous A ?, schizo female behavior/thinking?,
whatever.

also take lawyer advice. something may be brewing bad 4
u, 'cuz shes got too many folks hanging up on u.

keep us posted-------cb45