Having second thoughts...
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Old 04-26-2010, 03:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Having second thoughts...

I know I just made a post a few days ago, but I am having a hard time with this. I have no one else to talk to and I am really liking being here.

I now know that when I filed for divorce I acted on impulse, I acted out of anger and hurt and I should have just taken a step back and thought on it awhile. I almost feel like I am regreting what I did. I don't know if it is because I am starting to realize what I have done or if it is because I really do love him. I'm not sure.
Part of me wants to go back and see if we can't work it out and the other part says no it is time to move on. My stbx is a controlling person, I just started realizing this, but I have also started realizing that my family is too. I almost feel like my family "pushed" me to do this, I'm not sure on that either. I love my family don't get me wrong, but they have not liked my stbx from day one and they never will. I guess in trying to please my family I have only hurt myself, my stbx and our daughter. Again, I am not really sure what I am feeling at this moment, just full of mixed emotions.
I do love my stbx, but I am also questioning if I am truly in love with him or if I ever was. He has hurt me so bad, broke promises and told many lies and I believe he has cheated on me as well. After writing all that I am not sure why I still love him.
I miss him, I miss hearing his voice. I know I should be completely p***** off about what happened Saturday (see my post...just need to vent), but I'm not. I'm hurt to no end.
I miss seeing his face, I just miss him. Am I just lonely and missing "someone" being there or is it something more?
I have talked to him a few times on the phone and it seems like he just doesn't want to talk to me and I am not understanding why that is. Can someone explain that to me?
My family thinks I should be a total b**** through the divorce for what he pulled on Saturday, but I am not that type of person. He hurt me, I don't want to hurt him. I guess I am just too nice.
My family has helped me so much, they let me move back in and are watching my daughter while I go to school. I mean they are doing a lot. They are worried about all the money I spent with the attorney, but it's just money (money doesn't mean much to me).
Someone please help me, what in the h*** should I do? I am so torn up over all of this.
Thank you so much for letting me post another one...Hugs to all!
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Old 04-26-2010, 04:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Having second thoughts...

Pray till He gives you an answer. I am not a fan of accepting people's advice because it tends to be jaded in some way. I listen to advice and I pray and wait for Him to tell me what to do.
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Old 04-26-2010, 05:01 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Having second thoughts...

I am in a similar situation except my husband cheated on me and still does not admit despite the evidence. He is also the one to file for divorce. The last few months have been hell for me and our 16 month old son. My family has completely written him off. They would not even go to our sons bday party if my stbx is there. I know that is to extreme but his bday is not until december. My husband was also controlling but we got along pretty good for 9 years(married for 5). I and my family are mostly mad because he has shown total disrespect and is trying to make us fools especially after his affair was discovered. I think I was pretty devoted wife and modest. I sacrificed my career to move to a different country for his career.

He has not even said I am sorry for his cheating and he has gone a long way to cover up the affair(secret emails,secret phone etc). I don't think I can trust him again.

Sometimes I miss him but I think I am missing something that does not exist anymore. My family thinks I am too nice to him too but it is not in my character to be a b****

At this point I just want to make sure I get the best financial deal for my son and I since we have to start from scratch. Then I want to just get my life back on track and move on as a better person. I am not too worried right now about meeting someone new. And I don't know what would happen if he came back one day to reconcile.
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Old 04-26-2010, 10:18 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Having second thoughts...

Carefulthoughts-I do pray often. I pray for him and myself and our daughter. I do listen to advice, I think (sometimes) that it is very insightful, so I listen. I am hoping that He is hearing me and that an answer will come to me. Thank you so much!

Notreadytoquit-My stbx (I swear) has been cheating on me as well, but no evidence and he won't admit it. Even though he was controlling we too got along for 6.5 years.
I do believe you said it right there, I do believe that I am missing something that does not exist anymore, never thought of it that way.
I am not a b****, never have been and probably never will be. I can't stand the thought of being "mean" to someone. I hate the idea of hurt, yet I am so hurt right now.
Your last paragraph is true and it is something that I need to realize. I need to just move on and be a better person and make things better for my daughter.
Thank you so much for your words, I am really going to think on them. Hugs!
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Old 04-26-2010, 10:50 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Having second thoughts...

Onelonelymom, I can totally relate to how you feel. Sometimes I feel if only I didn't move out on impulse after finding out my H's pictures with other girls then just maybe we can work things out, but the more times I spend apart from him plus the more evidences came up of his affair(s) the more I want to file for divorce but I do still love him, I miss him...and just like Notreadytoquit said, maybe I miss the old him and God knows he haven't been his old self for almost 2 years now and I have been grieving silently all these times for the men I thought I will be spending the rest of my life with.

Yes, he also denies any affair(s)...not even a word of apology. I tried to give him one last chance and ask him to write a No Contact letter for the OW but he never say anything about it, not even "Yes" or "No"...pretty much ignoring me. So now I'm in No Contact with him and it hurts so much, there are times I wish I could just run away from all these pain but I know that's not realistic.

We tried counseling but that didn't work since he clearly still seeing the OW.

I just wish he would be men enough to tell me what he wants instead of ignoring everything and blame work for keeping him so busy which to me is a bunch of BS.

I can't file for divorce yet since I can't afford it, I have no job (still looking) and to pay for a lawyer that specialize in a mix marriage (he's American and we got married in the US) will cost around $5,000 minimum and that is a lot of money that I don't have.

Like you, I have one foot out of the door (I don't know how am I going to ever trust him again) yet one foot refuse to leave and still wish I can fix our marriage. My family despise him at first, my brother is ready to punch him to death, but they still wish we can patch things up for the sake of my son.

I'm trying to work on myself but I feel like there's still no closure...no final answers from him about what the heck does he wants, he said he wants to fix our marriage yet he does not do anything to show me any efforts. Maybe just maybe if he shows any remorse, if he asked 'what can i do to make you trust me again?' it would be easier to work on this marriage.

Sorry for my long post. Sending you hugs! If we live closer I'll be at your place with a box of Kleenex and chocolates!
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Old 04-27-2010, 06:22 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Having second thoughts...

My husband denies the affair even though everyone that has seen the evidence believes me. His official story is that he has not been happy for 3 yrs and he thought having a child would fix things. In these 3 yrs he has never shown, never said to me or anyone else that he has not been happy. Our son is only 16 mts. When we spoke in Feb 2010 before I had evidence of his A he said to me: I was not going to leave you pregnant. That really hurt me. Despite negating everything I did not file for divorce. He did. So no admission, not at least I am sorry, no respect whatsoever. Its horrible now but we are going through collaborative divorce. I also found out few days ago that he got a secret blackberry the day after I confronted him at the restaurant with the OW. So he has gone a long way to deceive, lie and cover up things. This is why my family is so furious about.
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Old 04-27-2010, 08:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Having second thoughts...

Quote:
Originally Posted by onelonelymom View Post
Carefulthoughts-I do pray often. I pray for him and myself and our daughter. I do listen to advice, I think (sometimes) that it is very insightful, so I listen. I am hoping that He is hearing me and that an answer will come to me. Thank you so much!

Notreadytoquit-My stbx (I swear) has been cheating on me as well, but no evidence and he won't admit it. Even though he was controlling we too got along for 6.5 years.
I do believe you said it right there, I do believe that I am missing something that does not exist anymore, never thought of it that way.
I am not a b****, never have been and probably never will be. I can't stand the thought of being "mean" to someone. I hate the idea of hurt, yet I am so hurt right now.
Your last paragraph is true and it is something that I need to realize. I need to just move on and be a better person and make things better for my daughter.
Thank you so much for your words, I am really going to think on them. Hugs!
well if am not wrong I think in your previous posts you said you never loved your husband , were forced to marry him , can't stand to look at him , & that was the reason you filed for divorce . Though those are valid reasons for divorce , it is too harsh to digest for the other person .
I can't say this about your husband but there are many posters here who's spouse initiated divorce for similiar reasons & the best way they think to deal with this is to act detached as much as possible & even willing to find another partner so they dont look like clingy & needy as they are still the ones who are being dumped. So there is a possibility that is what your husband is trying to do .

btw are you sure you dont want to try to work it out ? Have you guys tried counselling ?

Last edited by bestplayer; 04-27-2010 at 08:35 PM.
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