Is there anything else I can do anymore?

Lost Entity · 05-21-2008, 01:15 AM

First of all, hey there, I'm a newcomer to the forums. I'm not usually browsing forums related to relationships, but I'm hit by a situation that is wrecking me and I hope I could have some advice on what to do.

I've been in a relationship with a wonderful girl for two and a half years. We were everything that could be defined a perfect couple by my standards, doing everything together, being together all the time, supporting each other, being special. I suppose everyone knows what it's like. The first year we had was the very definition of bliss, in short.

After the first year, I started my studies far away from her. The exact locations don't matter, what's important is that I couldn't visit her just like that and didn't either, even on holidays. The idea was that it'd be easier for us both that way. We continued to be happy, but as the year continued further, my motivation started to crumble.

I had started worrying about our feelings fading, about us not making it through the time I needed to finish my studies. I expressed my concerns to her, increasingly pessimistic over time. Each time she calmed me down. She was the stronger one of us always, believed we could do it, she had no problems with us being far apart. We continued to the end of our second year happily.. but then.. things started to change.

Her father was diagnosed with cancer and she was very devastated by it. I was of course being supportive, but.. something started going wrong. She started blocking her feelings for me from me, and we obviously started talking less too. It was a new situation for me, as the previous two years we had been together, both in real life and online, practically all our free time. I know that I should've been supportive, understand her situation and give her space, but I failed. Hard.

Hurt by her ignoring our feelings more often, I started being pushy. I failed to give her space, I kept asking her to spend more time with me. I started doing anything I could to get her attention, even threatening that we should end our relationship. I felt guilty afterwards each time, as I know I was doing her wrong. I was just too weak to be the support she had been looking for. We had our nice times too, but there were fights often.

Things had been getting worse along our final half a year and then finally two weeks ago, we had a big fight over phone, I made her cry with my attacks. After that, she said it's over, closed the phone and blocked me on all the usual internet applications people use (skype, msn). It isn't the first time either one of us has threatened it's over, we have had fights and have ignored each other for a couple of days, but never to this extent.

So now, for these two weeks, I've felt absolutely horrible, scared to death things are over, and most importantly guilty. I know I'm the one who ruined everything. I'm the one who failed our relationship. I want to make things up to her, be the support I couldn't be before, I want to fix our relationship.

Everytime I've tried to call her, she hangs up and closes the phone. I've been blocked non-stop on skype/msn since two weeks ago. Visiting her is unfortunately not an option right now. The only ways I can reach her are text messages on mobiles or email. But I can't know if she even reads them - I haven't received a single word from her since then. I'd just want to believe she does read them.

In my messages, I've tried to tell her how sorry I am, how horrible I've been these 6 months, how I want to make it up to her.. how much she means to me, how important being with her was to me.. but none have been answered. I believe I've tried to tell her, ask her, beg her.. every single day.. for everything that I could, but she just isn't answering.

So.. do you believe there is anything I can do anymore? Is this really it? I know I'm the bad guy in this story, but hell.. I want to make it up to this girl, because I love her insanely and she deserves to be happy. Is there anything I can do?

draconis · 05-21-2008, 01:51 AM

This is going to be harsh but I don't mean to be mean.

No matter if you know it or not you are failing her now. You continue to try to control her without empathy for her and are being selfish during her time of need. Your haste responces have hurt her in the past and you built a relationship where she had to be the one to fix your short comings.

In a stange twist of fate you might learn from this.

Do I every think you'll get her back, NO. You no longer deserve too either. But if this makes you a better man in the future and helps you with your next SO is up to you. You need to let her move on, you continue to compound her problems by staying in the picture at this point.

Remorse is one thing, repentance is another. If she takes you back would you really change?

My suggestion is to move on, mature and learn from this.

draconis

swedish · 05-21-2008, 10:15 AM

Her father's illness is most likely and understandably taking up her focus and attention right now. This is a critical event in her life where she will need support of those who love her. If you have shown her by your own selfish needs that you cannot be there for support but instead argue with her about not giving you enough attention lately, it is probably just too much for her to deal with right now.

It sounds more like you are scrambling now to get her back because you want her back. If the best thing you could do for her now is to give her some space, then that's what you should be doing if you really do see where you were at fault here and really do want the best for her.

If you are at that point, the only thing I might suggest is a hand-written letter explaining how sorry you are that you weren't there when she needed you & hope that she can forgive you. I wouldn't mention a word about getting back together or your feelings for her past/present or anything that will add stress/confusion to her life. Just a sincere no strings attached apology.

happilymarried67 · 05-21-2008, 11:06 AM

I have to agree wholeheartedly with Draconis. You need to seek some help sorting through these feelings that you have been having. You seem to be controlling and abusive in the very early stages. I think your relationship should be over and that you need to just leave her be. Talk to a therapist to see what you can do to not want to control another person. Learn and take from this relationship that this is not the person I want to be in the future. You have some great qualities too don't forget that. You came here to see what you could do to fix this. That is the first step. Good luck.