My wife and I have been married for 10 years now and have had our share of ups and downs. But this time I’m scared…really scared.
I just turned 35 and she is 33 (soon to be 34) We are both strong minded and passionate individuals and have butted heads over the years but never over small petty things like now. Oh screw it. I’m just going to tell you our entire story and although most will be negative it really hasn’t been. We have had a lot of positive and great moments, thus the reason I love my girl with all my heart. But since this is about the problems it will mostly be negative.
Anyway here is our story. Please read it and please give me some advice because I’m really lost here…and scared.
First few years were great. We bought a house together; we bought a car, got a dog and cats all the typical things that a newlywed couple does for the most part. The only thing we didn’t really agree on was how many kids we wanted. lol
But over time we started bickering over the dumbest of things and due to both being passionate we did stupid things. There was never physical abuse of any type just screaming, thoughtless hurtful insults and slamming of doors. But we still managed to make it through. However during this time I did one really stupid thing.
During this time my wife asked me to please go to counseling for to the two of us and I (like a moron) refused. At the time I viewed counseling as a negative and silly thing.
I should take this time to mention that my wife is from Canada and I’m here in the USA. As a result all her family is in Canada and mine (just my parents really) are in the USA.
Devastated she turned to my parents for support hoping they would help get me to go to counseling. But my parents felt the same way about counseling as I did at the time (wonder where I got that from) so she felt truly helpless.
I tried my best to work through things and over time we got through it. Unfortunately she just “put it on the shelf” and I foolishly thought all that was ok. Looking at everything now I see what an unhealthy relationship my parents have had and how I was almost trying to mirror what they had done.
So as time passed my wife lost a couple jobs (truly not her fault one was just unbearable and the other not really secure) and we fell in the credit card trap. We were using credit to live etc. Needless to say the mounting finances were a constant stress not really something we took out on each other but still a stress. My wife was also suffering from a mild depression as a result and starting making silly purchases at which point we did start having fights. She said that I was acting more like her dad than a husband and I felt helpless because I saw how helpless she was to stop herself. Now I’m not saying she was buying “huge things” just a lot of small stuff. It also bad because I started building animosity toward her, such as she bought a birthday gift for me and the second thing I said (after thank you) was “how did you pay for it?” Not a good thing for either of us.
It was during this time that I was very unhappy at my current job and started seeking employment elsewhere. She helped me and in time I picked up a part time job to “make for a smooth transition” Because my biggest fear was leaving a secure job (even though I hated it) for a potentially unsecure job etc. So in trying to make ends meet and making this step I was working up to 14 hour days. All of our money was going toward bills (mostly credit cards) and so things were still tight putting a huge strain on us.
I realize now I thought I was showing love for her by the action of working around the clock but all she wanted was me. She suggested bankruptcy, which once again stubborn moron here was vehemently against. Pride has often been my worst enemy.
But soon things were about to take a tragic turn.
We discovered that my wife had a fibroid which was causing her extreme menstrual cycles and general discomfort. This got really bad during my job transition and with her out of work so she didn’t have any insurance at the time. The doctor she was seeing told her she needed surgery but no one would do it unless we paid up front: $12000 up front. So we decided that she could just go to back to Canada to have the surgery done.
It was our only option at the time.
But then it all fell apart. During this time her doctor prescribed her birth control pills to help subside the extreme bleeding during her menstrual cycles. But after only a few weeks of taking them she developed a pain behind her knee. At first we thought it was a pulled or strained muscle because she had began jogging again. But the pain persisted and got worse. Finally we smartened up and she went to the ER where she was told it was a torn tendon and was given a knee brace. Later that same night she began having shortness of breath and we called the hospital only to be told it was a panic attack.
When we saw the physical therapist the next day he looked at it for two seconds and said it was a blood clot. My heart sank. He then told us to go straight to the ER and to cut the chase it was a blood clot, it had broken lose, and the previous night while experiencing the shortness of breath, she had a massive pulmonary embolism. The staff all said it was a miracle she survived.
After spending almost 3 weeks in the hospital my wife was finally able to come home. She had to essentially learn how to walk again. It was a very bittersweet time.
We pursued a lawsuit due to the misdiagnosis but since her recovery went so well the attorneys told us there wasn’t really enough “damages” to validate a case. We were both beside ourselves with anger and confusion, especially my wife.
We had racked up a 100,000+ bill from the hospital stay and treatments and my wife still had the fibroid in her. We were lost.
A couple months later she went to Canada to have the fibroid removed and I stayed home to “hold down the fort” etc. It took 3 months for her insurance to kick in up there and another couple months to schedule the surgery. Needless to say this was a very trying time for us. She ended up being gone a total of 9 months. The separation was hard. She had nothing to do up there and I was working constantly and had little time. She would call as soon as I got home so I would be stressed and distracted. This caused a huge strain. I also became distant because thinking about her was hard…it made me heart sick. So I concentrated on other things such as my desire to be an artist. I wasn’t calling as often the relationship began to crumble. I didn’t see it and she didn’t say anything. It was a slow death of sorts.
Until one day she called to say she wanted out and that the marriage was over. I was crushed. I was confused and hurt. I was so devastated. Looking back now it’s so obvious why she fell out of love with me but at the time I was so blind. I thought that working and calling every now and then was enough. I had not thought of anyone else I had not done anything but work, come home, draw, and sometimes go with a guy friend to a movie. That’s was my life.
But after I was told this I went into the typical panic mode. I was beside myself. She had become so worried about me that she called a friend of mine to make sure I was ok. Slowly with the support of friends and time she and I started talking again. She let me know how she felt alone and cried herself to sleep and I explained why I had cut her off to a degree because it was too hard to think of her all the time. So slowly she decided to give me a second chance. I wanted to come up for her surgery but she refused she felt that she needed to do it alone for a reason I still don’t understand.
But things did work and she did come home. I agreed to go to counseling and we were making a try for everything again. We finally filed for bankruptcy and I went back to working one job again. Funny thing is although we filed for bankruptcy primarily due to the hospital bill. The hospital ended up dropping the bill (after we talked to the head about her experience) a few weeks before our bankruptcy was official. But it was still a good thing for us because again I was able to quit a job and we retained our house etc.
Everything seemed like it was on the right track again. I was home more she was now working online singing and writing music, which is her dream. She was still going to school everything seemed great, except for the fact that my wife was getting distant. Even though I was trying to be there she was still withdrawing.
After a few months she told me that she still has a lot of resentment towards me and was unable to forgive what had happened to her. She would often breakdown crying about almost dying and that she was unable to get any justice out of it. She wanted to move back to Canada and hated being the bedroom where she almost died. As she put it “there is nothing but bad memories here” I would try and focus on positive stuff and asked her what sort of justice she wanted from the doctors. She said she didn’t know that she just wanted them to suffer like she did. She was becoming consumed with it letting it bleed over on to me by saying that I didn’t do anything the night she had the embolism. It was bad.
So we both started going to counseling, which seemed to help at first. The therapist evaluated us both and deemed that my wife needed to let go of this animosity toward the doctors and myself. He determined that she was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. So he began treating her for it then after a few weeks we both began going to work on things. During this time although she was very short with me at times and said that she no longer wanted kids and that she had changed. I still stayed cool and supportive. But she fell deeper in her music and the online community where she performs her music etc. I thought it was a good distraction until she began spending all her time there. I would bring her tea and would take care of things around the house trying to remove any stress from her. But she still seemed distant.
I knew that she had really good friends on this online community but there was an older guy (having marital issues of his own) who she was now calling her best friend. This of course hurt me but I trust my wife so I let it go. Plus she would become very defensive and short with me and I didn’t want to press the matter.
Around this time my wife felt that the counseling methods didn’t help all that much with her anger towards what happened to her. I suggested that we find a different therapist and she agreed. But it didn’t seem to ever happen over the 2-3 weeks. During this time her friend online stopped talking to her to spend more time with his family and tried to get his life back in order as well.
Now again I must stress I really don’t think anything was going on here at all. First off I trust my wife and second off I’ve talked to the guy over the phone. I have done some work for him (graphic design) etc. Plus he had gotten me a job interview here. Also he is many states away and is from what I have seen just a nice guy.
My wife was always very open as to how they would help each other plus she had other friends on there as well. But once he stopped being online as much she really took it hard. She felt that she had lost her best friend and so on. I told her that I wanted to be her best friend again and she agreed saying she wanted that as well. So slowly but surely we started working toward that.
So during this time I was looking for a different job and she was actually starting to spend less time online. She began exercising and we started spending more time together. Seemingly out of the blue. Everything seemed as if it was getting back on track. She was hugging me more and we were feeling a connection again. I was both happy but still cautious because I feared it was temporary.
I would again mention that we still needed to find another therapist and she would agree but it still wasn’t getting done. I checked for a few online but was unable to call anyone at work plus I wanted her to feel good about the therapist. I didn’t want to waste our time or money again because I think that a bad therapist can hurt more than help.
During this time we tried being intimate again but sadly I was unable to perform up to par. I’ve been having ED issues I think stemming from being scared and unconfident in the relationship. Thus another reason we need a therapist. I still satisfied her in other ways but she wanted that connection and began thinking it was her etc.
I swear it seems like there is always something holding us back on in the way.
So 2 weeks ago she went to Canada (a trip she had been planning) to be there for our niece who is having surgery and to look at houses there as we are still planning to try to move there. Thinking an overall change will help dissolve the bad memories for her.
But since she has been up there she started becoming very distant and when I would call to just talk or help her with schoolwork etc she would be very snappy or irritated. I wasn’t fighting with her even though it seemed she wanted to fight. I would just either try to joke or talking sweet asking her to not be so mean (in a silly kid’s voice we use between us), She would then sometimes calm down tell me that she was sorry and that she didn’t know why she treats me like that. But then she would go right back to it. I gave a few days and called to see how our niece was doing etc. That is when the bottom fell out. Again.
She told me that since she has been gone she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. She just wants to focus on her music and doesn’t want anything from anyone. She told me that she is sorry to hurt me and that I should just find someone else who wants kids. I told her that I wasn’t even thinking about kids that we have other things to deal with right now. She then started posting stuff like Love is dead etc on her social networking sites.
I was hit in the chest with a hammer. I was totally taken aback. Just a week or so earlier she was hugging me telling me that she loved me. She said she would just be gone for a couple weeks, now all that has changed. I foolishly reacted with emotions when she first told me. I went with a tough love approach telling her that she needs to not be so negative and that she will always be unhappy unless she changes. I also told her that if she wants a divorce that she needs to tell me to my face and not over the phone.
I begged her to please start seeing a therapist again to which she of course went completely on the defensive. She said she just wants time to think and that I need to focus on my life or find someone else.
So again I find myself devastated. Only this time I really don’t know why. I know that I didn’t react the best way at first and I’m sure that I still need to work on communication skills. But I’m still at a loss as to what happened or what has changed so suddenly.
I feel that I may lose her this time because she is gone. I’m not around her to support her. I don’t know if it’s a midlife crisis or what is going on with her but I know this is not her and that I still love her so very much. I don’t feel she is thinking clearly at all. She told me that she doesn’t want anything from me but her clothes and a few possessions. I can keep the house, cars etc.
A couple days ago I sent her an email telling her I was sorry for reacting that way and that we can work this out. I told her that even though we weren’t “on” at the same times or in sync that was ok. Because it showed we still had feelings and that we just need to work on getting that in order. She didn’t respond.
Yesterday however was my birthday (6 days after she told me it was over) and she sent and email wishing me a happy birthday and hoping that I had a good day. I called her that night and chatted just a bit. She was still distant and bothered but I just stayed calm and cool. I let her know that I love her and I was here if she needs me. I didn’t go on and on about it I literally just said that.
Anyway I’m just so damn scared and lost right now. She is my heart and all I think about. I fear that being up there essentially alone she will just grow more distant from me making her decision easier. I feel we have been through so much that we can get by this especially when she is the one who really needs me to step up and help her.
Re: Its a lot to read but I really really need help
I read the whole thing,
I see that you have had pretty hard experiences in your relationship that have harmed it. You have to forgive yourself for all those mistakes you made in your relationship, I have told this to many people asking for advice but you have forgive yourself, until you do that and stop wondering about the should, could and would, you will be able to be less stressed.
Let her think about her situation, it seems she is really troubled, and the reason why every time she is in Canada she wants to bail out is because she finds peace over there. After she has had enough time and after she is able to think things over, she will be able to contact you. Trust me you will hear from her again, don't know when because it is up to her when she decides she is ready.
It can be ready to reconcile or ready to separate permanently and you have to prepare yourself for this. You already told her that you are willing to work and even proven her that your marriage is important enough to make a change. You are doing everything you can, now it's up to her my friend.
You cannot make her change her mind, it's up to her, she is free to chose what's best for her and it that means that you will separate you have to respect either decision.
Be strong, i know your pain, I have and sometimes am still there. Let go, picture yourself happy, be alone is not the end of the world because at some point IF you work on yourself, you will appreciate this time of rest like she is right now. Focus on yourself, like she is and be with friends, go out avoid staying alone in your house. Run, endorphins are good for the state of mind, you will see try it and you will feel better and this is pure and proven brain chemistry.
My advice is: Let her decide for herself, you already told her your decision, she knows you love her. Now she has to find herself and see what will make her happy.
Re: Its a lot to read but I really really need help
Thanks so much for reading my long winded post and I really appreciate your advice.
It makes perfect sense about her "finding peace" in Canada because she is away from any stress etc.
I know I have to let her make up her mind but I want her to do it under the best possible circumstances. That's why I wish there was a way that she would see a therapist of some type or something so that she could make a clear-headed decision.
Oh God this is all so hard. I don't want to dominate or anything like that and I really feel we can still be very happy. I just need that chance. If we could just follow through with our plans to move and seek counseling.
I will take your advice about running though (although I hate it lol ). Thanks so much and any other advice is most welcomed.
Re: Its a lot to read but I really really need help
Remember she is an adult and they way she decides to rule her life is her decision.
I know you mean good, i know you care for her but if the person is not willing or not interested for the moment being you cannot push her/him.
I didn't want to go to individual counseling when we were together, she did not want to go to marriage counseling when we were together. I do not know if she is doing it, or even if she feels the need to go, now that I am not that in contact with her life. I just hope that she is doing everything she can to be happy and at peace.
I am going to individual counseling, because I chose to not because she told me. I saw there was a need from my part and I decided to take action. We all are adults, even in our weakest moments.
Be patient and TRUST her decision is going to make her happy. This is what you want right? love means to love without expecting anything in return, love unconditionally even if it means she will not be with you.
Re: Its a lot to read but I really really need help
Yeah I do want her to be happy and I understand. I'm just fearful that she will not make her decision with a clear head. I trust her and I love her so very much but she has made rash decisions in the past (even before we were together) and I don't want to see her do so again.
I know my opinion is biased, it can't help but be. And this isn't about me "losing" or anything like that. I just want her to be happy and not regret anything. I feel if we could start making strides toward moving and supporting each other it would work, because it was just about to start working.
I'm just rambling now. This is so hard and I'm so worried about her right now. I want her to ok and I want to share stuff with her again like I was right before she left.
Re: Its a lot to read but I really really need help
I recognize that you had to emphasize the negative in your post, but I'll be honest, it sounds like the seas you have sailed together have been mostly stormy with occasional patches of calm. Between the financial and health issues you outlined, it seriously sounds like life went off the rails.Certainly for your wife.
What if her being happy means letting go of you? Could you face that?
It is clear that you want to 'steer' her, and given your circumstances it won't work. The more you try to direct her at this point, the more she will likely resent you. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Its a lot to read but I really really need help
If her letting me go would make her happy then I'll have to deal with it.
I would also like to point out that we have had a lot of great moments and overall I would say the majority of our marriage has been good. It's just the bad things have been so dramatic and a lot to deal with especially considering our age.
I went into detail about the bad because that's what has caused this problem. I don't know if it's sparked a midlife crisis or what.
I understand it's her decision and obviously I hope she chooses to stay with me. But that doesn't mean I'm trying to steer her any direction. I'm not going to lie if I had a magic wand I would use it.
I just don't want our relationship fail due to the medical incident, which has already taken so much from us. I don't want her to continue being haunted by it and for it to continue to destroy things in her life.
I know that isn't fully to blame and both of us have things to work on but this incident seems to have driven a wedge between us and a catalyst for her anger.
Re: Its a lot to read but I really really need help
Talked to her some over the phone last night. Nothing special and I wasn't pushy at all. She still hasn't said when she may return and also said if we get a divorce she doesn't want anything. She won't come out and say if she wants a divorce and sorta shys away from it.
I'm not sure if that's a good sign or not. She seems really down on herself and I want to help but not sure how. I don't want to irritate her or anything like that. God this is so hard and frustrating.
Re: Its a lot to read but I really really need help
thanks and yeah I'm trying I trying so hard. I have good days then I have days where I just breakdown. One minute I question how she could just abandon everything like this (when she left she only packed clothes for a week) and then the next minute I realize she is just confused and weak herself right now.
Re: Its a lot to read but I really really need help
So I talked to my wife last night and it didn't go very well. I didn't mention the relationship or anything. Just called regarding a bill issue and just to chat.
She started going in about how she felt it was over and that she can't get past a time 3 years ago when I said that I didn't want to go to counseling. Even though I want desperately for us to go now and before she left we had gone a few times (6 times for her and 3 as a couple) She was saying stuff like I should just try to hate her because it will be easier to let go. She also said stuff like she doesn't want anything but her clothes and she doesn't know when she will get those. Keep in mind when she went to be there for her sister she only packed for a week.
I have talked to her sister a couple times and her sister is just as confused as to her actions. I'm just hurting so bad right now. After I got off the phone with her I balled like a baby. Here I am 35 years old literally lying in the floor crying.
Anyway while I was talking to her I didn't breakdown...I did my best to stay strong. My voice may have broke a couple times but other than that I was ok. But she abruptly said can I call you back. I said sure.
So after 10 minutes a mutual friend of ours shows up because she had called him. Long story short she had sent him by to check on me. We talked for a bit but I was just so lost I barely remember anything. she called during this time and we tried to talk again. She again went on about not trying to save anything etc. She then asked to speak to our friend so I put him on and she told him to watch over me and that her mind was made up.
Guys.....I'm really hurting here. I'm going to fake an illness in a bit to leave work early because it's all I can do not to break down right now. I just feel like if she would come back and we could talk there would be a chance but with 700+ miles between us I just don't know.
We have a house cats and a dog all of which she loves. Just for that reason I'm amazed and confused how she can literally just walk away from everything. God please help me out guys. I'm so lost. So lost.
Re: Its a lot to read but I really really need help
needmygirl,
Right now you are dealing with a lot of strong emotions within you. You can't see the light that you don't "need" her, but you don't need her to be happy for you. She can only complement your own happiness.
You need to get in control of your emotions and your environment and become a stronger man. That is the first step. You are doing well not to "talk" about the relationship. If you do -- it will push her away further.
Turn to exercise, make sure you eat right and get sleep. I know it is difficult but you need to take care of yourself right now. She is testing you to see if you will "fight" for her. By that I mean become a stronger person. The bigger the test the more of a challenge to grow as a person.
You will get through this -- no matter the outcome -- that is what you must realize. The sooner you do that, the quicker you will get in control of yourself. I know it is painful right now -- believe me I know. But start with you.
Re: Its a lot to read but I really really need help
Thanks for the quick reply because I swear I'm about to cry right now at work. She said that she would call me later today...what should I do? I want to fight for her and be a stronger person etc but how would she see that I am being so far away?
I know that I'm supposed to do it just for me but most of the times from what Ive read here the spouse is still in an area to see the changes in some capacity. I just want her to know.
Also how should I handle the call later today? I don't know what to expect. I just want to make it right. I just want us to give counseling another shot. You can't really resolve anything in 3 sessions.
I guess what I'm asking is do you guys still think there is hope?
Re: Its a lot to read but I really really need help
So if she doesn't know -- you won't do the work? You must lead -- and by that I mean do it. Gee, how did she just "check" up on you? The mutual friend.
He is now her eyes and ears -- so you must look at him as an extension of her. So you can't tell him "how much" I want her back, that I need her etc. because that will get back to her through him and any other "mutual" friends. So don't share with any mutual friend your despair or hurt.
You need to show strength. And that means being in control of yourself and your environment. Being a leader -- go to the therapist for you to improve. Stand up for your beliefs. Be compassionate to her. Listen when she speaks to you -- hear what she really means. And above all don't blame her for her issues -- that is an excuse. You must show the way for her.
I suggest the book Being a STrong Man a Woman Wants by Elliot Katz, also marriagebuilders.com.
Regarding today's phone call. Just sound confident and upbeat, be there for her -- if she wants to talk let her and listen. But you end the call -- don't "hang" on you end it.
I know its hard, I'm just understanding a lot of this myself and has taken me a long time to get it. But I'm just dense some times. LOL.
Re: Its a lot to read but I really really need help
I'm not sure if she will contact the mutual friend or not because she has become so withdrawn. It's somewhat uncharacteristic of her do to so. She hasn't mentioned divorce at all which I guess is a good thing.
I just feel so empty right now. I try my best to do things like I normally would but I can't help but think of her in everything that I do.
Its a lot to read but I really really need help 
and wait my friend. It is the only thing you can do if you love her. 
