She simply doesn't seem to care anymore
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Going Through Divorce or Separation » She simply doesn't seem to care anymore

Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 05-18-2010, 02:22 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 19
Default She simply doesn't seem to care anymore

My story...

My wife and I have been married for six years, would be seven this October. In March she said she was ready for a divorce, that she has been a robot in our marriage for a few years. Last thursday she informed me she wanted a separation. She left Friday...I got the pannickies....i cancelled my direct deposit into our joint account the Thursday she told me she was going to leave...I honestly wanted her to realize that it was going to be tough out there without me...

When I came home from work Friday her stuff was GONE!! Lets just say that Kettle One and I got very acquainted that night. I called up my best friend and told him the situation. He is a REAL good friend and told me that I didnt treat my wife like she was special. My wife cooked, cleaned, did the grocery shopping, and paid ALL the bills ( with joint $$). She would routinely ask for help, and all I would do is sit on the couch.

After that conversation with my friend and seeing all her stuff gone..I knew she meant business. Thats when reality hit home...she's gone...

Good news is I called her that night and told her that I understood what she meant now..and that I was sincerly sorry for my actions. 4 minute conversation, didnt go blabbering on at all.

The next morning she text me at like 7:30 am in the morning...we had a few exchanges..nothing about US only the kids....

I then wrote her a hand written letter explaining how I agreed with the separation, that we both needed sometime to figure out where to go from here.

Things have been ok so far, but we havent spoke via phone, just random texts about the kids.

Today I spoke to a friend of mine, who spoke to her the night she left, she said some very harsh things about me, some of which I have already heard before. But it really hurt hearing those things coming from another third party person. Especially since he is one of my best friends.

She claims:
  • That she isnt attracted to me anymore.
    That she is no longer in love with me.
    That she has been robot for a very long time.

However she also goes on to say that she isn't ready to file for a divorce, instead she is staying with her parents while I'm here at our home.

Im really confused by her words and actions. I always thought if a woman was done she would simply tell you and that would be that.

It's very confusing there are times when she initiates contact, when there is nothing really urgent about the matter. But then there are times where she appears to be rude. Her moods are REALLY hard to follow right now...maybe with time apart it will get easier.

Bottom line is I have come to the conclusion, that while she is gone I'm working on being a better help mate inside the home. I have already learned how to do the laundry, and agreed to cook at least once a week. These were her major complaints about feeling neglected, and yes I admit I was neglecting her needs.

Now for the hard part. I commend her for standing up for what she wants out of her life, but has she truly considered how "I" feel? The simple answer is no. Right now she is living in a "ME FIRST" world. That has got to change before we could even begin seeing each other again.

The bad part is...she doesnt think she has anything to work on. She is sitting over her parents house happy as a lark cause she doesn't have to "take care" of me or the kids. Yeah I start to resent that.

Question: How do you keep from reading to much into a text message? When you say "goodnight sweetie sweet dreams", and you get a reply "same to you" that to me seems ingenuine and a blow off....she hasnt talked about us or her feelings regarding the breakup.

She did tell me when the all first began that this was going to be for either 2 or 3 months. She wanted to make sure she was sure before she filed for divorce. She went on to tell me that she didnt want a divorce and that she wsnt leaving me...but then moved out....

Ok so now I am completely confused. and I don't dare talk to her about how I'm really feeling. After all if I show her "how much I love her" or send crazy amounts of text messages. thats just going to backfire and drive her farther away...

Truth is..this shook me...I'm lonely and scared..and I need help...I've got some good friends..and they are there for me...but its the worst trying to sleep in our bed..looking at her side wishing she was there...sometimes I simply dread coming home!!

Thoughts anyone...advice?

Last edited by smithboyz; 05-18-2010 at 02:35 AM.
smithboyz is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 05-18-2010, 08:55 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: NC
Posts: 1,647
Default Re: She simply doesn't seem to care anymore

Smithboyz,

First, sorry to hear of the pain you are going through. Now on to the heart of the matter.

Do not expect her "to change" -- you need to lead the changes in the family. She was trying to reach you and you didn't or chose not to hear. I'm not blaming, just stating fact. And don't blame her -- blaming another is a waste of time.

In my humble opinion she is testing you. Yes this is the biggest test of your marriage. She has been testing you for a while and you've failed to realize it. She is seeing if you have the courage, love, and strength to change and grow as a person.

That means looking inside yourself. Realizing your faults and correcting them. You need to (1) understand her love languages (yes people have different ways they express love and the way they express it to you is how they want it back), (2) become a man -- you weren't doing that, (3) take care of your kids (this is no. 1).

Regarding texts etc. Right now don't you be mushy with them. The sweet dreams sweetie -- bad. And don't expect anything in return right now whether from texts, calls, actions you take, etc. This will be a process where you will learn humility and be very humbling. Put your pride on hold if you want her.

There is a website -- marriagebuilders.com that has some good info on it that you should read. I also suggest getting a couple of books -- The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants by Elliott Katz, and you might even want to look into the Love Dare.

That's a start. Remember this is a process not a race. Try not to read into her words or actions right now -- she is emotional and will say and do things that are confusing and might hurt.

But again, don't blame her -- that is the path to the dark side. Be a man -- accept responsibility for the consequences of your actions, correct your mistakes, be strong, principled in your beliefs, yet compassionate, listen to her (filter out the crap and get to the real meaning). At least get the Elliot Katz book.

And I'm not judging you -- I've been where you've been. I'm just trying to help. This is not a hopeless situation --- unless you choose it to be.

Peace.
__________________
"Don't think less of yourself, think of yourself less" ....C.S. Lewis
Feelingalone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2010, 09:33 AM   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 19
Default Re: She simply doesn't seem to care anymore

Thats GREAT advice. I do feel like I'm being tested. And yes i do have the courage, although its very hard. Good news is that i have not completely lost it.

I haven't called and begged to have her back, I'm my mind this would surely backfire. The truth is she doesnt even want me to cancel our direct deposit, she does text me almost EVERY single day. So i dont really know where all this anxiety is coming from. Maybe the possibility that she wont come back.

Do you think I should just focus on taking care of myself, and not worrying at all about her? It's not like there is anything I can REALLY do for her anyway.

I talk a good game, but i need to "SHOW" her my actions are true and meaningful. I truly do love her and respect her, but her emotional outbursts can be a little over the top. Right now its too painful to hear the rejection and criticism she has of me "NOT" being a man.

I admit to not being a helpmate, I have even told her that i "agree" with the break-up. That we both need to take some time AWAY from each other. I figured this would make the situation less combative, since we agree I am no longer the enemy.

Im just wondering if this is REALLY the end. The anxiety is killing me. If you hear her talk then you would assume this is OVER. But her actions don't match that at all. She seems to still love me but she hasn't said that.

As far as the books, good idea..Im going to go to my local bookstore and pick one up. Thank you for all the encouragement. It is appreciated beyond words can express.
smithboyz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2010, 10:02 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: NC
Posts: 1,647
Default Re: She simply doesn't seem to care anymore

Smithboyz,

Yes just focus on yourself and your kids right now. Remember pursuing and maintaining contact are two different things. If I were you I would not say I love you. She knows you do -- she's waiting for you to prove it in actions not words.

Again, don't listen to her words. By that I mean -- don't analyze the words -- that is logic and your interpretation will most likely be wrong -- this is an emotional situation. So focus in on her actions more, but there again don't really. Some where someone said disregard 80% of her words and 50% of her actions. And that is true.

It is the whole read between the lines that is important -- not what the lines themselves say.

Anyway. Get the book(s). There are others out there. And do go to the marriage builders web site. There are questionaires and things there that you should print and do and if possible have her fill them out on you. I know she might not want to do that right now -- but if you leave them for her to do -- an action -- she just might surprise you. I don't know that for sure. But it can't hurt.

You anxiety stems from that "if this really is the end". Put that thought to the side as much as possible -- it will be an obstacle to the work you need to accomplish.
__________________
"Don't think less of yourself, think of yourself less" ....C.S. Lewis
Feelingalone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2010, 10:53 AM   #5 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 19
Default Re: She simply doesn't seem to care anymore

Understood. I am also getting the Love Dare. That looks very good for a man to investigate what love REALLY is.
smithboyz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2010, 10:58 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 384
Default Re: She simply doesn't seem to care anymore

Hey 'Feelingalone' I'm gonna get those books after work also..thanks.
2Daughters is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2010, 11:16 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 239
Default Re: She simply doesn't seem to care anymore

I second that, the Love Dare and also rent the movie Fireproof
stbxhmaybe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2010, 11:43 AM   #8 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 19
Default Re: She simply doesn't seem to care anymore

On a side note. MY ex sent me a text message asking if our boys could leave our little league game early so she could pick up our other son. I told her to pick up our son and i would drop off the kids to her after i got them something to eat. She said she cooked spaghetti...i told her the bags were packed and all reayd to go, she asked if she could change clothes at the the house. boy..when she walks in...i wish i could see the look on her face because that house is SPOTLESS.

I am done ignoring her, she is a priority in my life. I want to show her thru my actions. Laundry is done, house is picked up. All the boys rooms are clean.
She sent me a text message saying "Thank you VERY much". Im hoping this will mean something to her. but im not going to sit back and expect a kudos just yet. This is still ONLY a test. She needs to see this is a permanent change in who i am.
smithboyz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2010, 04:11 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 24,560
Default Re: She simply doesn't seem to care anymore

Good that you are learning. And I realize you wrote your first message at 2 in the morning. But I will ask you to go back and reread it, and look at all the points in it where you pretty much blamed HER for being selfish, and complained about how put out YOU are now.

I don't know you, but based on your first post, my first instinct is that it was this 'me' mentality that got her desperate enough to leave in the first place.

You don't just do 'chores' and expect her to change her mind. If you were indeed participating in a 'what about me' mentality, it won't go away overnight. It takes work. Time for you to learn to put yourself in someone else's shoes. Just doing physical acts won't replace the emptiness she felt living with you. (if that is indeed her perception; I'm guessing here based on your post)
turnera is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-18-2010, 04:12 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 24,560
Default Re: She simply doesn't seem to care anymore

And I have a question. Why are you calling her your ex?
turnera is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2010, 05:13 AM   #11 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 19
Default Re: She simply doesn't seem to care anymore

Thats a REALLY good question. I guess because I don't want to expect her to stay my wife. I'm trying not to set myself up for some crazy expectation that she will come back. I mean the reality is, I was a terrible husband for years. I wouldnt come back if I were her.

Now I'm trying to lighten it up a little and give her time and space.

On another note...I am an IT professional. I attended an event yesterday and won a $50 movie package to Regal. At first I was so excited that I could take her on a date. Then reality hit me....she's gone. So instead I gave them to her because I wanted her to go.

This is big for me personally because it was truly a selfless act. Yes minor, but I saw an oppt NOT to be selfish and I took it. Im trying to grow and learn little by little.

At the end of the day I want to be able to say "I did everything I could have...."
smithboyz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2010, 06:50 AM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: NC
Posts: 1,647
Default Re: She simply doesn't seem to care anymore

Smithboyz,

Did you get the books? Start they will help you keep on track. And the act is selfless if you expect nothing in return. If you expect something in return then it is selfish. I'm not implying anything just wanting to clarify.

Having no expectations in return is truly hard. As a human we are all designed to be selfish. Its in our nature. To overcome that is hard work.

You haven't mentioned much about the kids. How are they doing?
__________________
"Don't think less of yourself, think of yourself less" ....C.S. Lewis
Feelingalone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2010, 07:16 AM   #13 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 19
Default Re: She simply doesn't seem to care anymore

We have three boys..13, 8 and 7. They are all handling it differently. They know we love them. I am in our house and my wife is in her parents house. We are trying to keep the day to day as normal as possible.

We have split up before and it was really bad on them. This time they are sharing time with each of us, and they seem to be ok. No complaints, no issues in school. They are still playing little league, and im coaching them. So they see to be ok. I try not to show any emotion in front of them, because i dont want them to feel burdened. Especially my middle son, he is very astute to peoples emotions.

But yes, they do appear to be doing well. When they are with me I am taking care of them and spending time doing their homework, playing video games, and coaching them in the little league.
Being a father comes a lot easier for me then being a husband. Not sure why that is. They have all commented the last couple days, Dad thanks for taking care if us, we love you.
I dont think there is much more i can do that that. Maybe if this begins to become more permanent when i realize she AINT coming back..then I'll start thinking about counseling to help them adjust. But thats down the line...we havent even decided to get a divorce yet.
smithboyz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2010, 07:36 AM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 24,560
Default Re: She simply doesn't seem to care anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by smithboyz View Post
Being a father comes a lot easier for me then being a husband. Not sure why that is.
That's easy. You get your self-esteem validated by your spouse. That means you are attuned to their opinion of you. So you have to be 'good' to get your spouse to keep loving you; keeps you (or it should, as you have learned) on edge. It takes a LOT to make your child hate you.
turnera is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-19-2010, 08:54 AM   #15 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 19
Default Re: She simply doesn't seem to care anymore

Thats VERY true. She DOES validate me. I am a very proud person who does not like to be seen as weak or hurt. But she knows how to push those panic buttons.

Enough sad stuff...I am learning and growing each and every day. I went and got a haircut yesterday too. She noticed. She even said something.

It's just nice to be noticed. I feel like I am no living in her shoes. I think I am starting to get deeper and deeper and understanding of exactly HOW frustrated she is and was.
Usher Raymond has a song called papers, i have been listening to it in my truck now for about two days.
He talks about how he's at his wits end...how the only time his girl shows up is when its party time.

The ironic thing is that, the roles are reversed in my life. Seems I only show up to the GOOD TIMES. Or in crisis situations. What about the day to day stuff?
She must really be fed up with all the Bullsh!t. And I don't blame her.
I almost lost my mama, and now i have turned into the very man i didnt want to be.
So even if we split. I promise ALL of you, that man is gone. Gone for good and gone forever. I am putting my whole heart into trying to be less of a selfish person.
smithboyz is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My husband doesn't care when I cry. MrsFarris General Relationship Discussion 52 03-28-2013 09:11 PM
Just doesn't feel like I care anymore..... Lucianne General Relationship Discussion 43 12-10-2012 02:52 PM
He just doesn't care! wife1983 The Ladies' Lounge 10 07-10-2011 06:05 PM
She doesn't care about my family. MsLonely The Social Spot 3 02-09-2011 11:58 PM
I feel like he doesn't care.. Mrs. Segedy General Relationship Discussion 1 04-19-2010 09:25 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:02 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage