Most guys who end up as friendzoned husbands are:
- conflict avoidant and
- too nice
My wife tells me that mostly I am kind, generous and loving. And she loves that about me. HOWEVER, I have an edge, which means that when I feel justified I become assertive and when needed aggressive. And the thing is THAT is what turns her on. She loves nice, and lusts after aggressive / edgy / combative.
As part of this - while she actually runs most of our life (I am easygoing) outside the bedroom, I run the show in the bedroom and am dominant, and sometimes rough with her in bed (hey thats what SHE likes).
Having no edge, being conflict avoidant, only having gentle sex, is a long term train wreck with most women.
I have never/would never struck my wife. Still - while I definitely have a healthy fear of her - she is 115 pounds of hellcat when angry - she DEFINITELY has a healthy fear of me as well. This does NOT mean either of us walks around on eggshells. Neither has a hair trigger - neither gets crazed over stupid stuff. When conflict happens both sides give fair warning that they disagree AND they feel strongly about the subject. And so either partner can defuse or not as they like. Conflict is typical say once or twice a month. No name calling or cursing. No generalized nasty comments like "you are so selfish" - just "I cannot believe you actually did XYZ, what the hell?"
The fact that I am harsh and blunt in aggressive when in conflict does not make me mean or jerky or a bully. Same is true for her. I actually describe it as two strong willed people who sometimes disagree about an issue. She has told me she LIKES to fight - finds it cathartic. I find it tiresome but hell - if it is critical to her finding me hot - after 21 years - small sacrifice....
One last thing. Every once in a while she behaves in a selfish or inconsiderate manner. And while I politely point that out I also do something - I quietly take a step back emotionally. She gets less "I love you", fewer hugs/kisses. I spend more time out of the house doing stuff. Net net this is temporarily deprioritizing her. She fully understands what is happening and also knows why. And she has a choice, let it go for a bit (fine by me) or address the issue with me directly. Might be through an apology or might be she explains why what she was doing seemed fair to her. And if it gets resolved in a way I like, I return to normal mode. If not, she stays deprioritized.
Originally Posted by danfig
I have a hopefully not stbx wife, that has filed for divorce. We are in the 6 month zone before the final d-day in court. I am 37 and she is 35, have 3 beautiful kids and have been married for 15 years. We also dated for 6 years before we got married, and I have never regreted getting married early in life and am happy with our lives together. The problem is, that she told me that she is not happy and, all though she loves me, is not in love with me. She also says she just does not have those feelings for me anymore and hasn't for the past few years. I have talked to many friends of mine and have heard almost the same situation with thier wives. Is there some kind of consperacy that my friends and I aren't aware of?!
Some backgroung on me; I am considered a "nice guy" never violent, considerate, think before I speak, absolutely hate conflict and love my wife very much!