Have a feeling it is going to be a tough next couple days...need help/advice

finallyseewhy · 05-21-2010, 01:52 PM

For those that don't know my story my story me and my H have been together for 11 years and a couple of kids. Things have been rough at times but we always pulled through it and a few months ago he started to put a lot of energy/time into a co-worker/friend. Started sneaking around going to lunch/dinner and inviting her places and not allowing us to go. Then he brought her out to a movie/dinner/ice cream with our child and told them not to tell....they did. He told me it was my fault because he told me he wanted to leave and didn't care if I was working on it

Then that next morning I caught him texting her flirting/and some sexual stuff. I called her and she told me they were just friends and didn't know he was lying to me ect.

Well since he left he has been having issues with money issues. Pretty much after giving me child support and paying rent in his expensive extended stay he is left with pretty much nothing. He freaked out on me a few days ago telling me that unless I gave him some money he was going to resent me forever and never try to work on it! He said this because I was asking for therapy and he told me it was useless and he couldn't even consider getting back with me or even trying if he had to worry about money.

Well I just looked at the account and he pretty much has no money left and will not be able to make it through the week. I know he is going to call me and freak out on me because he gave me the savings(keep in mind it was NOT a lot and I have been a SAHM and will have to get a car and hopefully find a job

) and thinks I am overjoyed that he is struggling. I really am not but I think he also put himself in that situation.

How do I handle this when he calls. I told him I would NOT argue about money with him after last week. In fact I haven't argue with him in over a month and I think it bothers him that I am being nice

Last time this came up he pretty much yelled and screamed at me(I just pretty much listened and stayed calm) about how I hadn't changed, I didn't give a **** about him, mocked me doing the Love Dare, and then pretty much mocked me praying ect....told me that I was pretty much hindering the 'cosmic force' I was talking about by NOT helping him.

stbxhmaybe · 05-21-2010, 02:05 PM

I am sorry to say this but it seems your husband is not learning a single thing from this situation.

It is up to him, but I place myself in his shoes going mistake after mistake and I don't really know why he is behaving the way he is behaving. I mean mocking, pushing, being immature.

It is up to you finally but I the way he is treating you makes me sick.

finallyseewhy · 05-21-2010, 02:10 PM

stbxhmaybe-it honestly is making me sick too and it is not bringing anger out of me but sadness. Sadness that he is not learning anything and if anything playing with my emotions. I have seen a COMPLETELY different side of him and it is not one I want to be around to be completely honest

Like the other day when he dropped off the kids he came over to me and was trying to hug/kiss me telling me I looked so good. Asking me to hug him like I loved him and then asking me if I still did. I will say I was smiling and happy and did look pretty good LOL but it was because I had a good day and was happy to see my kids.

stbxhmaybe · 05-21-2010, 02:14 PM

I mean, I know at times I was really mean to my wife when we were arguing, I know I made a lot of mistakes when we were together BUT finding myself in this situation has opened my eyes. It was like hitting a brickwall, I saw through myself and that's the reason I am turning my life around. That's why it is so hard for me to understand why he is still behaving like that.

He hasn't learned anything???

finallyseewhy · 05-21-2010, 02:20 PM

Oh I agree I said some horrible things when we were together and I have apologized and admitted everything. I have accepted the mistakes I made. I quickly realized before he left that it was all on me and that he felt I was the ONLY one that needed to change. The 1st week I was gone I pretty much begged him to come back/therapy/anything just to give me us/family another chance. He played with my emotions before he left in a very extreme way and to be honest I was completely willing to forgive and move on.

Last week I realized he was really mulipating me in things he was saying doing and the really messed up thing is I like to think he doesn't even realize it. If he did know what he was doing it is very disturbing to me

stbxhmaybe · 05-21-2010, 02:41 PM

Ok, now that you distinguish what is going on and what happened.

Stop thinking about it, it is the past. Now what's important is to look at the present and think about the future. Don't worry about the future, there is nothing written in stone yet.

But as you evaluate how things are, take action on your own life. That's something you and only you have to decide, nobody else can tell you what to do because you are an adult. You have to be happy with your decision.

Remember nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent,

-Elanor Roosevelt

finallyseewhy · 05-21-2010, 02:52 PM

That is an amazing quote and I need to write that on my mirror!

I think that is my problem that I have been trying to plan the future and I need to realize the future is out of my control but the day is NOT.

I have been trying to plan out what I was going to say when he called about him being short/no money but I need to just realize I don't know what I will say until he does but I do know I will not let him belittle me.

Affaircare · 05-21-2010, 02:53 PM

First thing, finallyseewhy--are those savings funds SECURE? I mean he's not a joint account holder who can talk his way into getting them somehow? If not, that is job #1--get them to ANOTHER BANK and open a new account in only your name. (If it's at the joint bank, he might get lucky and get a teller who knows he's your husband and talk his way into access).

If they are secure, this is easy. He will say "I need money." You say "Are you ready to end your adultery, dedicate all of your affection and loyalty only to me, and give me access to all of your online accounts so I can verify your honesty? You're not? Oh okay call me when you are. Bye." Click. Hang up.

Don't get drawn into debates. Don't let him give you the threats and disloyal dizziness. In fact, this should pretty much be how every contact with him goes. If he calls or texts over and over, take the phone off the hook or turn off the cell. I'm sorry but you won't miss some "emergency" if you turn it off for an hour or two!

See, every time he calls, he is trying to either get a need met (like getting his ego stroked that you still want him) or pick a fight so he can blame his unhappiness on you. (See it couldn't POSSIBLY be his choices that make him unhappy--the OW is his soulmate and blah blah, so he has to blame someone. OH YEAH the evil ex-wife! That's how he justifies continuing the affair.) If he contacts you and starts in, just interrupt and say "Are you ready to end your adultery, dedicate all of your affection and loyalty only to me, and give me access to all of your online accounts so I can verify your honesty?" Memorize it! LOL

So he may try to start ranting again or demanding or whatever, and you just say "Oh you're not? Kthxbai." Don't let him rattle you. You are not "ruining any chance your marriage might have" (he is!)--you are allowing him to learn that his choices have consequences and you are no longer PROTECTING HIM from his choices.

Come on here if he's driving you nuts. We'll be on all weekend.

finallyseewhy · 05-21-2010, 03:00 PM

Affaircare-Yes I have them in another account he is still using our joint account and I opened up another one with the same bank. The funny thing is he has said a few times I should help him because he could of left me a lot worse ie. just drain the bank account and not tell me.

I am going to take you advice and not even go there with him. I think he is really realizing that his fantasy is turning into a reality and it is not the dream he thought it would be.

He texted me when this 1st left and said he was scared I was going to change and he made a huge mistake leaving. I am beginning to realize he probably made one of the biggest mistakes of his life...hopefully he is too but I am not holding my breath.

Affaircare · 05-21-2010, 03:55 PM

There are occasionally disloyals who have to suffer from their choices a bit before they set aside their pride and admit the grass isn't greener and it's not so rosey. I'm not condoning punishment here--just stop "rescuing him" and as difficult as it is, allow him to flail and hurt until he gets it. Honestly? Some never do "get it." Some have personality disorders or other issues that they cannot/will not deal with and that prevents them from "getting it." But quite a few really do get it after a bit of reality is shined on the situation and they realize for themselves it is not what they thought it would be.

One of the hardest things to do is take your hands off the wheel, sit back, and allow them to experience all that--knowing you can't stop it or fix it. In real life, he DID make a HUGE mistake! And like a two-year-old child who can't have the toy they want, he's likely to have a temper tantrum and throw a fit and say "I don't love you anymore!" Put a guard around your heart and know that's not the case--it's just the temporary pain of him learning a life lesson and you have to let him learn it...and then wait for the day that he admits he was wrong and wants to do the right thing.

finallyseewhy · 05-21-2010, 04:10 PM

Affaircare you are exactly right I decided a couple days ago I had to let him make his own mistakes. I have been the one to figure all of our money out and always find a way to make it ect. I need to do exactly what you say and just take my hands off the wheels and let him either grab it or crash.

I am fully expecting a full on tantrum but I am not going to let it escalte like I have in the past. I am going to stop a tantrum like I would with my child.....state the facts and then leave it at that if he wants to yell, scream, cry and yell at me that I said I would never let him be hungry(this is something he said to me last time!) I will get off the phone and walk away. He is not a child by any means he is a grown man he needs to act like it and realized these are choices he made.

Affaircare · 05-21-2010, 04:58 PM

You know, out of the kindness of your heart last time you gave him cash. IF -- and I truly mean IF -- you feel like being kind again and you don't want him to be hungry, and if you can do it without harming you or the children, leave a bag of groceries for him. Drop it at his car or the door of his hotel room with a little note like: "A little food so you don't go hungry--love, me"

My point is that when he says things like that, it's not really about you "letting him go hungry." He's trying to manipulate you to give him money by tugging on your heartstrings....playing the guilt card. Just don't let him.

finallyseewhy · 05-21-2010, 05:10 PM

Affaircare-he is NOT going to go hungry he just is not eating like he is use too

No one is there to make him home cooked meals and he isn't able to go out to nice restaurants. It is not my fault that he can not afford those small luxuries anymore.

He is trying to manipulate me and I consider lucky to see that early one. It just something that he has never done before so it is very shocking but also makes it very real too.

You can get a whole case of ramen noodles for what $3? There is no reason for him to go hungry.

Affaircare · 05-21-2010, 05:49 PM

LOL Agreed!! And Tanelorn had a good idea too--if he says that "...you said you'd never let me go hungry" malarkey again, tell him: "Well I can feed you--a fully-grown, able-bodied, working man--or the kids can eat tonight. Which do you choose? Should I feed the children or you?"

finallyseewhy · 05-21-2010, 05:59 PM

LOL He was trying to use it towards me because when he was complaining about $$ I mentioned I would NEVER let him go hungry so he is just trying to manipulate me and I know that.