Re: Questions Arising From Marriage Counseling
Hi there 827Aug - it's believer here. glad I got you thinking - that what this is here for. To give insight into others situations & how they are handling things. Not to say what works for one person will work for the other. But it definitely helps expand some options you might not have thought about previously . . . And also hearing that you are not the only one going through difficult times in your marriage gives some reassurance that you are not alone.
I gave definitely see where you are having a hard time with the trust factor. And to answer your question about - do you feel the therapist is right to ask only once & accept. I personally think that is B.S. I think, if you were cheated on, you have the right to ask as many times as needed to get clarification & to come to terms with what you are hearing. And the first time you hear it, you may be in shock & not really hearing all the details. I think if your husband it truely sorry - then he owes it to you & would understand that you need information & time to digest all this new information.
I don't recall any other details of your situation , except for what you wrote above. But if your husband keeps chaging his story or if he gets annoyed that you keep asking - to me that would be a red flag that something is still going on with the other woman. And that he is trying to still hide it.
Like you mentioned, if you are going to marriage counseling with the intent on trying to 'save yoour marriage" & putting all your emotions out there - you of course expect the same from your husband. However, it doesn't sound like he is in for the right reasons right now.
If you have the hunch that something is still going on with the other woman, trust your instincts. They are usually right. Have you asked your husband if there is another woman? Has he admitted it? Has he told you it is over? How much has your husband come clean about? Did you suggest counseling or did he?
I will share my experience with marriage counseling - not sure if it'll help. But I do know that both parties need to be willing to re- commit for it to work. And in my instance, even though my husband was saying 1 thing straight to my face & our counselor, he was doing the other. I had my doubts but yet he was saying one thing in the presecse of another person & then doing another. I had my doubts all along but continued to be hopeful. But as things progressed, I found out after we had stopped joint counseling that he had never stopped seeing the other woman( maybe cut back a little but it did not stop). So in my mind, I'm thinking, how can we be going to marriage counseling to work on us when there is still a 3rd person involved. Until that other person is out of the picture, I don't think you can truely work on your marriage. And if you husband is going to deny that there is a 3rd person, the maritial counseling seems like a waste of time.
I think you most definitley will benefit from talking to a therapist on your own. But I think due to ethics/conflict of interest, it would need to be someone differnt from whom you see with your husband.
I realize you have a lot riding on this relationship besides just your marriage. Sounds like it is your livelihood - which is a scary thing to risk. And you mention children too. Of course, I think anyone who is considering seperation/divorce need to consider their kids. But in that same breathe, you need to think about what is going to be for you in the long run, because kids are tougher than we think. And may even one day thank you - if you decide to leave.
As my screen name implies "believer" - I believe (in the vows of marriage) so by all means, I think you need to exhaust all options at saving your marriage. And I named myself "believer" because I believed all the lies my husband was telling me.
I wish you the best of luck in the days, weeks, months ahead. It will be a long process with lots of emotions involved. It has taken time to get to this stage in your marriage ( 24 yrs you mentioned) so it will take some time to sort it all out & make some very big decisions. Keep up posted & whenever you need advice - you know where to come.