Will she ever stop hating me?
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Old 05-27-2010, 02:49 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Will she ever stop hating me?

It amazes me the venom my stbx continues to have for me. I won't labor you with the sad details of my marital demise, but at some point can I expect that she will "begin to move on" and start to "get over it"?

I have never cheated on her. I can make a good case for infidelity on her part. Up until the last 6 months of our marriage, I generally treated her well. I didn't even initiate the divorce, although in all honesty I am happy she did.

Anyway, she has gone to war with me over every little detail during the early part of our divorce process. She has found out the grass isn't greener, and that all of her original problems are still there. She has alienated our kids, and generally screwed up her life.

Yesterday her new friend was over trying to help her fix a commode in the office bathroom. Anyway, neither of them could move it, so my 17 year old son stepped in and moved it for them. He then quipped that "it's tough not having a real man around the house isn't it mom?" This touched off a firestorm of near epic proportion.

Anyway, what have you folks done that helped calm the waters with your spouse during the turbulent time of a divorce? At this point I will not even cosider reconciling.

LIL
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Old 05-27-2010, 03:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Will she ever stop hating me?

LIL,

I think in your case it will be just time. As long as you aren't provoking her -- why care given what she has done to you!

And then again, she may never be civil.
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Old 05-27-2010, 04:22 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Will she ever stop hating me?

She blames you LIL. Unless and until she chooses to take some responsibility for the arc of her life, or at the very least, not make you the sole source and origin of all her woes ... it will all be your fault.

You worry about her, don't you? Maybe you look like a hitman, but you are still a care-giver.

I had a very hard time of letting go, based upon concern for how she would function. The dissolution of my marriage wasn't nearly as vitriolic as yours. After almost 19 months what I do know is that without question, my wife feels far more capable, independent, and self-confident then she ever did in our marriage. I never tried to take control away from her, she simply relinquished it - and I picked up the slack. Similar to your circumstances, I would never question her capability as a mother to our kids. Wonderful mother, lousy wife.

Good for your son, btw. I don't imagine that you and your wife raised disrespectful kids, but I think your son appropriately gave voice to his displeasure with the situation.
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Old 05-27-2010, 05:17 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Will she ever stop hating me?

Thanks for your insight Deejo. You're right I still do care about her, although I honestly no longer want to be her husband. I can handle the thought of divorce, he// at this point I even welcome it. However, it is painful to watch someone you once loved completely self-destruct.

I'm glad to hear that you've found some closure with your divorce Deejo. It gives me hope for the future. I just can't fathom why she is unable to "factor in" her obvious contributions to the death of our marriage. I'm gone and her life has gotten worse. What does she need a friggin flow chart?

For the record my oldest son is a wonderfully polite individual. However, respect beyond basic human dignity must be earned. I think he's generally concerned for his mom as this guy is a dirt bag.

LIL
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Old 05-27-2010, 06:13 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Will she ever stop hating me?

And as for my own full disclosure: we still aren't divorced. In truth, we are starting from square one.
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Old 05-27-2010, 11:10 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Will she ever stop hating me?

I'm right there with you LL. Just 3 weeks away from 'D day', and I can't help but feel pitty for her. I don't think she will 'hit bottom' untill I stop supporting her, but one would think she would have some foresight. Although I'm sure she is now aware that the grass over there needs watering, there are no signs of remorse or regret. Why care? What if the tables were turned? You just have to push through the negativity and resent and don't let it consume your life as it does hers. Every day prepare for the worst and hope for the best, knowing that you have no controll over her actions, only how you deal with them. In my experience, the less I rose to the occasion, (deffense, critisism etc), the less crap she tried to pull
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Old 06-05-2010, 08:18 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Will she ever stop hating me?

My wife walked out 3 months ago with no warning at all, she packed and was gone while I was at work, I saw her a small number of times after that but nothing in the last two months or so, since then she has hardened completely and won't take calls or return emails, just gone. She feels that I as a bad husband and is putting all of the blame on me, I know there are things I could have done differently but honestly nothing that would provoke this and her leaving. She does send me self righteous emails on how I was the cause of this and how she is a good person. We live in a very big city and so cross paths would be insane but it happened today. I ran in to her at and arts and crafts fair, saw her from across the way and went over and touched her shoulder without saying anything. She looked at me with a stone cold face and very quickly walked away, almost running. I gave her space and did catch up to her and volunteered to leave and let her stay at the fair, we spoke for maybe 2 minutes which was the first time speaking in well over a month verbally. She was so cold and distant with tons of anger. I haven't any idea how all of this anger could build up. But, I do know that the grass isn't greener on the other side so I am worried for her, she actually is a very good wife which is why I'm surprised she's as mean and self righteous right now without even any contact from me.

I believe that God brought us together today, even if it was uncomfortable, he has a plan and I am standing by the marriage no matter what. I will not allow her to walk all over me and walk away from the marriage by just having me give up. Maybe her heart will soften with time but that is out of my hands so I can only work on myself right now.
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Old 06-06-2010, 01:41 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Will she ever stop hating me?

See the Long Term Resentment thread.

This discussion is about the same - I do beleive women have a greater sense of entitlement (are perhaps more entitleistic) than men when it comes to marriage and these fuel the vitriol in our ex-spouses.

You are now the cause for the lot in her life. Not her. Not what she did or didn't do. It's all you.

I suppose it come down to a basic question that I asked my stb-x before I left her:

What are your expectations of me?

And listen. . .for non-verbal and verbal clues. . .it's a question that can really throw women off because it lays it on the line.

When my wife went into her "list", she pretty much wanted a Sugar Daddy - a Ward Cleaver who worked 9 to 5. I told her in a respectful tone that I very much respect that but that I couldn't give her that and she got angry for being cornered and denied that what she was really saying. The ironic thing was when I laid it out, I didn't even use the term "Sugar Daddy". . .she just kind of saw it for what it was.

Add to the fact she wrote a long letter to my counselor beginning with, "It's not about the money . . ." but went on for 4 pages about money (causing my counselor to throw up her hands). . .it solidifies what everything is really about.

LIL. . .go out and have a fling.

It helps get you mind off the emotional ball and chain. Like me, you are transitioning from having a b**chy wife to a b**chy ex-wife. It's not like you are getting rid of her.

Remember that character "Frank" on Hill Street Blues? That's you. That's me. YOu are going to have the emotional ex-wife to deal with the rest of your life. At least sleep with a hot DA who can be a source of comfort, energy and relaxation.

Good luck.
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Old 06-06-2010, 08:44 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Will she ever stop hating me?

SG, it's not that easy for me. I wish sometimes that I could go f*ck and forget, but that's not who I am. That's not who I choose to be.

Right now my kids need a stable non distracted parent, and it looks like I am the only person eligible to apply for the job. It's not the my needs aren't important, it's that they aren't as important as my kids.

She went public with her affair this week. I am having a tough time coming to grips with her betrayal and depravity. In my mind, I am still married, so I will behave that way until my divorce is final.

I initially had played with "flirting" when I separated from my wife in March, but after getting strong nibbles and a direct proposition, I put that toy back in the box. I am just not a casual person with sex. I would actually have to care about my partner. I know, I guess I'm just funny that way.

LIL
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Old 06-06-2010, 08:49 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Will she ever stop hating me?

LIL I think you are doing the right thing (((hugs))) I have been told the same thing about just going out and having a fling or going to a bar/club and that is not what I am willing to do. 1st off my kids like you said need a stable parent. 2nd this is not the time to involve someone else in all of this mess. 3rd I am taking this time to work on myself and make myself a stronger person and Mom. 4th like you said I have to also care about someone before I give myself to them....me spending 20 minutes with someone is not going to make me feel better.
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Old 06-07-2010, 04:00 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Will she ever stop hating me?

LIL,

I didn't mean go out and necessarily have a one-night stand - I said go out and have a fling.

A fling to me denotes a vacation with someone that includes some sex, something I assume missing from your life right now.

Your kids and all of your responsibilities will be there when you get back. I promise.

That being said, I totally respect your position. But I hope you understand that you being managed by her foul mood has a lot to do with you and not just her. The next time she yells at you in her normal b***hy manner, you can more easily mentally brush it off with a thought in the back of your mind, "Yeah, but I got laid last night."

Of course, be discreet - don't parade it.

Her caustic personality becomes less relevant and you can just "manage" her instead of attempting to find a cure.

Honestly, you've been a good faithful husband. . .at the risk of sounding like Lucifer himself tempting you - go out and treat yourself. Take that woman up on her proposition for 3 days down to Mexico.

Hey, you buy sports cars. . .I buy flings. . .to each their own. Have another beer, friend
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Old 06-07-2010, 05:59 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Will she ever stop hating me?

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Originally Posted by lastinline View Post
SG, it's not that easy for me. I wish sometimes that I could go f*ck and forget, but that's not who I am. That's not who I choose to be.

Right now my kids need a stable non distracted parent, and it looks like I am the only person eligible to apply for the job. It's not the my needs aren't important, it's that they aren't as important as my kids.

She went public with her affair this week. I am having a tough time coming to grips with her betrayal and depravity. In my mind, I am still married, so I will behave that way until my divorce is final.

I initially had played with "flirting" when I separated from my wife in March, but after getting strong nibbles and a direct proposition, I put that toy back in the box. I am just not a casual person with sex. I would actually have to care about my partner. I know, I guess I'm just funny that way.

LIL
Your a good man LIL, someday you can look back on this and say to yourself and to your children, if you choose, that you were honorable to the end. Your Ex will never able to blame you for also having an affair during your marriage (even though it's about over).

She will never be able to confuse the children with half truths and lies and it will always be on her - she is the cheater. You are and will be the positive role model for your children. That alone is worth not dating until the divorce is final.
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