Originally Posted by finallyseewhy
cmf thanks the funny thing is I have NOT lashed out at him probably 98% of the time I have taken EVERYTHING he has said or done to me and just been calm/polite/nice(which is a 180 for me). I tend to only break down when I am by myself but today was a very hard day. I wont argue with him I just can't and wont. I find myself sometimes really having to stop and breath most of the times I talk or text to him but I do feel better by not lashing out.
I have to get a job it is no option and I know when I do and am out and about I will feel better. Right now from the moment I get up till I go to bed I think and analyze and that is driving me crazy. I know it will get better but right now I feel like I barely escaping a tornado daily.
The day ended 'nice' he text me something about tomorrow and the kids and it was like the text message exchange I always want but never get. He responded to me with more then 'OK' and almost felt like he was being nice. Said Thanks, and see you tomorrow and even told me 'bye' which I never hear anymore. I am trying to not think too much of it but it was nice.
The very very sad thing is EVERYTHING I went through emotionally today was just from me thinking/processing stuff. Nothing he said to me today. I guess if anything I realized I need to find a way to filter my thoughts and keep busy.
Yes, you do. But here's the point. What fsw described is what I asked you about
: the anger, the indignation at what HE chose to do.
Did you get complacent and provide a boring marriage? Sure, we ALL do. But HE didn't have to go the path he went. HE chose an immoral, harmful, selfish route that destroys everyone. HE ruined YOUR life. All you did was get complacent.
The anger I asked about doesn't mean to yell at him. It means to know, in your CORE insides, that what he did to you was WRONG, and to know that you deserve better than that. You're walking around, taking on all the guilt, leaving him to run around scott free. Of course he's not back. You are letting him eat cake.
Only when you accept that what he did was wrong and stop accepting the blame for it will you look at him, KNOW he has a lot to make up for, and show that in your way of dealing with him, will he understand that HE has to stop what he's doing.
It means to command respect. He won't respect you until you respect yourself.