turnera

So what about what YOU want? Quit giving him what HE wants. HE cheated. HE forfeits the right to make all the decisions.

finallyseewhy

I really can't leave the kids are his life and he is a very good dad and it would affect them too much to leave even for a month or so. They love their dad I just wish I could escape for awhile.

I don't have the luxury as he does right now to go out to lunch/dinner with friends or out. He right now is getting to sit in a hotel room and even though he is 'strap' for money he is alone and come go and come as he wants.

I am pretty sure nothing 'physically' happened when we were together but when it comes to during the separation I am not sure. He still thinks texting what he did to her was OK.....the sexual nature or even the none stop texting where he was complaining about me. I will say the ones I saw where it was sexually she pretty much was like....NO or 'are you kidding?;'

turnera

If you say so.

Where is your anger?

finallyseewhy

I wish I could be angry right now but I was not a very good wife I pushed him away and didn't make him feel like he a 'man' a lot of the time. I am not saying I was the only one that helped this marriage fall apart....if anything it is pretty 1/2 and 1/2. The only person I am angry at right now is myself I am disappointed with him and just can't understand what side I am seeing of him. I can understand I hurt him but it is like my feelings dont matter at all & that is so not like him!! I also almost feel if I allow myself to get really angry I will sabotage myself and there will be no one at all fighting for this family. I am almost scared to know what will happen when the anger sets in towards him.

cmf

FSW- The only advice I have for you is to try changing how you react to him - this has made all the difference with my H. I have finally stopped arguing and lashing out when he hurts my feelings or doesn't do what I want him to do and he actually has started apologizing for his statements/actions . It's an instinct with me to want to defend myself and hurt him back, but I now just tell him I am not going to argue or continue speaking with him until he calms himself, and can be respectful. It has really made a difference just this week. It went against my nature to apologize to my H the other night- he had been horrible and selfish and I really lost it and told him off- but that apology was a turning point for us. It diffused the situation and he then was able to see that his actions hurt me. Now, I have been separated for a long time, but I really did not think I had to change anything about what I was doing in the marriage( I was the victim) It wasn't until I actually tried changing my responses to him that things started to improve. When everyone keeps telling us to work on ourselves and not worry about the other person they are right . My husband is changing his responses because I changed mine. An easy concept, but one that took me almost 8 months to actually do. I'm pretty stubborn and so is he. I might also recommend getting a job or volunteering to get yourself out more , it might help with feeling resentment because he has so much freedom while you are home with the kids. I'm in the same boat, but I work full-time and have a a lot of adult interactions everyday and many friends at work. Things are still relatively new for you both and the beginning is very emotional and scary. I never thought things would change for the better, but they are starting to right now because I decided to try something different. I see the evil twin about 50% of the time now-a huge improvement from 2 weeks ago.

finallyseewhy

cmf thanks the funny thing is I have NOT lashed out at him probably 98% of the time I have taken EVERYTHING he has said or done to me and just been calm/polite/nice(which is a 180 for me). I tend to only break down when I am by myself but today was a very hard day. I wont argue with him I just can't and wont. I find myself sometimes really having to stop and breath most of the times I talk or text to him but I do feel better by not lashing out.

I have to get a job it is no option and I know when I do and am out and about I will feel better. Right now from the moment I get up till I go to bed I think and analyze and that is driving me crazy. I know it will get better but right now I feel like I barely escaping a tornado daily.

The day ended 'nice' he text me something about tomorrow and the kids and it was like the text message exchange I always want but never get. He responded to me with more then 'OK' and almost felt like he was being nice. Said Thanks, and see you tomorrow and even told me 'bye' which I never hear anymore. I am trying to not think too much of it but it was nice.

The very very sad thing is EVERYTHING I went through emotionally today was just from me thinking/processing stuff. Nothing he said to me today. I guess if anything I realized I need to find a way to filter my thoughts and keep busy.

2Daughters

The kids are the most important thing?..yet he cheats and doesn't want to live with them..hmmmm...doesn't add up.

turnera

Yes, you do. But here's the point. What fsw described is what I asked you about: the anger, the indignation at what HE chose to do.

Did you get complacent and provide a boring marriage? Sure, we ALL do. But HE didn't have to go the path he went. HE chose an immoral, harmful, selfish route that destroys everyone. HE ruined YOUR life. All you did was get complacent.

The anger I asked about doesn't mean to yell at him. It means to know, in your CORE insides, that what he did to you was WRONG, and to know that you deserve better than that. You're walking around, taking on all the guilt, leaving him to run around scott free. Of course he's not back. You are letting him eat cake.

Only when you accept that what he did was wrong and stop accepting the blame for it will you look at him, KNOW he has a lot to make up for, and show that in your way of dealing with him, will he understand that HE has to stop what he's doing.

It means to command respect. He won't respect you until you respect yourself.

Neverwouldhave guessed

Amen turnera! FSW-both cmf and I have seen improvements in our situations when we changed how we dealt with our H. I keep in my mind what turnera (I think) posted somewhere on this site. Show him you want to live with him, but can live without him. AND MEAN IT!! Wishes for a peaceful weekend....

finallyseewhy

Well this morning was good....I think? I am not counting on anything yet but H came over to get the kids and came up to the door and started kissing me and stuff. I didn't push back....to be honest I didn't want to. We talked for about an hour and he mentioned to him that I was enjoying my life and the changes I made and that I did want to be with him and our family to be back together but I was also happy and will survive without him if that is what happens. He then brought up coming back and being together. I almost felt he was sort of trying to bait me a few times but it didn't work. I remind calm and looked happy. I don't know where this will go and I can't pick it apart but if anything I think it was a positive conversation and I think he is really starting to see that if anything I can be happy without him.

Yes, I was faking most of my happiness but for the most part I think it was positive.

finallyseewhy

Well the last few days we have talked a lot and it has been very pleasant no fights or arguments....just nice. We actually have talked I think more in the last couple of days then we have during the whole 6 weeks we have been separated.

When he has been texting it has been very nice and for glimpse of moments I even forgot all the pain and that he was gone. Today we were texting back and forth and he just 'stopped' and I texted him back and asked what was wrong? He told me that he was starting to remember all the 'other stuff' I told him I know we have had our problems(I figured I wouldn't hear back from him) and then he told that we were great sexually but bad for each other. He then text me one issue(that he has been telling me for pretty much the 11 years we have been together and it was an issue I should of changed a long time ago) I told him that I was working very hard on my issues and feel like I am coming a long way and starting to see a lot of things. He then said he didn't wanted to just have sex with me but he wanted it to be good in others ways too.

He wasn't attacking me....which he has done texting me a lot in the beginning but was almost like he was just expressing his feelings. Also the last statement was something I have not heard from him in almost 2 months that he WANTED things to be good in others ways. I have only heard he wasn't willing to try right now and couldn't.

I am not going to read to much into it or even get too excited. I can tell he is starting to clear his head, but its still a long road for both of us. Like on what I read on here I am going to expect the worse and be happy when I see different. This was small but I can say it has been very nice to talk to him and it just be 'nice'. It is a roller coaster so I guess I will have to just take the highs with the lows.

cmf

sounds encouraging!

turnera

Now is the perfect time to ask him what exactly he would change in a perfect marriage, if he had a chance. Then GIVE it to him!

In fact, print out the Love Buster questionnaire from marriagebuilders.com and ask him to fill it out. Tell him you need more clarification on how you can change. Not to get him back, but to know what you need to fix on yourself.

finallyseewhy

Well today was sort of strange and I am not sure how to feel about what happen.....

We were talking and all OK and H pretty much(with out going through the whole convo) that we probably should not have sex anymore. I asked him if he wanted me to stop asking(even though he is the one who has pretty much asked every time) and he said 'probably should' I told him I would respect him if he wanted to not do it and I would understand. He told me that there was so many 'feeling involved' and that he wanted to 'relax and be by himself for a bit' I told him I was sorry if I upset him and that was not what I was trying to do but I understood and would respect his choice, that I enjoyed doing it but didn't want to upset him and that was more import to me. He told me to 'not worry he just needed to relax and be by himself a bit' then he told me to 'just leave it at that'....After I said I was working on myself. I then told him Good Night and he told me the same.

I don't know how to take this and to be honest I am just not sure. It was not a fight at all. I have this feeling he wants to come home but is just fighting it. I guess I just have to wait to see....that is really the only thing I can do

finallyseewhy

Well that whole 'no sex' thing lasted less then 24hrs....

He came over to get the kids and he saw me and came inside(the kids were outside) and hugged me and told me everything would be 'OK not to worry' and we just held each other probably for 5 minutes then it went other places and he initiated it. I started to tell him I didn't want to do anything he didn't and he told me he wanted to. It was passionate and deep. We have always had a great sex life but this was above and beyond. He started to tell me he loved me(and whispered it once) but then said he 'loved doing this' I could tell he was almost scared.

I hope this wasn't a bad thing I don't want him to think it was but I can't really tell what he is thinking right now I can tell he is really conflicted right now and that he is hurting.