I want you to tell me you love me so I can tell you I don't

turnera · 06-23-2010, 04:00 PM

Plan A...great time to show him what he's giving up.

That said, there has to be a point at which you're not just 'easy SF' for him while he eats cake.

finallyseewhy · 06-23-2010, 04:20 PM

turnera that is what I need to do I need to get do Plan A and really do it. I have been sort of confused on that :blush: I also need to not like you said be 'easy SF' I don't feel like he is using me for sex I really don't but I also just cant always bee there either! The hard part is I want him so bad physically it is hard.

finallyseewhy · 06-25-2010, 10:17 AM

Well yesterday H and I text back and forth most of the morning and talked about things 'lighty' he experssed a lot of things that he had issues with and I told him how I could make them different and planned too.

After wards he invited me to go with him for something for our oldest. It was fun....a little awkward at 1st to be honest

I quickly snapped out of it and realized I needed to get out of that and quickly. It ended up being really fun. I rubbed his lower back because it was hurting and he moved closer to me on the bench and after wards before he dropped me off he laid his head on my shoulder....something he use to always do. He did come in and we did do stuff after.

This morning he text me and asked what plans I had for today(he has the kids) he has been texting me back and forth.

One thing we both talked about was how the last couple of years we stopped being a 'couple' and were just parents and that hurt a lot of things. Well the last 2 years I have been pretty much pregnant or nursing and it took a strain on us. Our youngest is very much a mama's boy and requires almost 100% of my attention almost 24/7 up until just recently. With our oldest it was more balanced.

It was pretty productive for the most part. I am not expecting anything from all of it but it was nice to her what was exactly hurting him.

turnera · 06-25-2010, 11:15 AM

Awesome! IMO, that's exactly what you need to get closer to getting back together - togetherness AND honest discussions.

Do some thinking on ways that you could ensure husband/wife time (i.e., find someone else to watch the kids), and let him know what you have come up with. So he can visualize being back together and still getting to have you to himself some times. And he can see that you ARE considering his well-being.

finallyseewhy · 06-25-2010, 11:29 AM

Yes, that was what most of the convo was about. I told him that I miss being a couple and doing 'adult stuff' and he asked me how/why? I told him what I missed doing and that we needed to be together for more then 2-3 hrs and unwind TOGETHER. That the kids were old enough to spend a day/night somewhere. That it was just too important to put off and I would never sacrifice that again in the future.

Affaircare · 06-25-2010, 12:26 PM

finallyseewhy~

It sounds like you are making GREAT progress! I'm seeing two steps...three steps...four steps forward! YAY!

I would like to remind you of something though. You have taken great ownership of your Love Extinguishers and made good progress toward ending them and communicating your plans to your hubby, but in a marriage it does take two to tango. I have not yet heard you mention anything about him recognizing the Love Extinguishers he did to your love fire, not have I yet heard him taking ownership of changing so he doesn't do it again, nor communicating his plans to you.

I know you very, VERY, VERY much want him back but to rebuild a marriage so that an affair does not happen again, there needs to be more than just you working here. I'm not saying you should be demanding but more like a reminder: Don't Forget That! He also will need to make changes--if nothing else to identify his weaknesses that lead to an EA and to guard himself against his own weaknesses! TWO PEOPLE need to be rebuilding this marriage. Okay?

finallyseewhy · 06-25-2010, 02:06 PM

Affaircare oh I completely agree yesterday when we were talking I can remember even at a few times when I was admitting my faults and how I wanted them to change thinking, 'can you throw me a bone here! and say something back about how you want to change!!'

I am taking ownership not only for THIS marriage but at this point mostly for myself to make myself whole again. Your right I want him back and this marriage to work BUT I wont go through this again....I just can't.

I am willing to fight and work on it but I will not let it just slip down the same path. I realize that until I hear/see somethings it just me. I am expecting nothing and if I get something then great!

I also realize that he is at the point he needs to hear what I am going to do and I hope that he will feel comfortable enough to give me what I am giving to him right now.

I just got done texting him he pretty much did it all morning. he has the kids and I know he knows I have planned to go to the a class and also do something tonight(not a bar lol )and I think on some levels it made him jealous. It wasn't my purpose of it but I guess he also realizes that I can live without him

turnera · 06-25-2010, 02:08 PM

I always recommend you showing him you WILL have a life without him. IMO, nothing drives a cheater crazier than to realize his BW isn't at home, crying for him to come back to her - which is part of what feeds his love for the cheating - the ego stroking. Big wakeup call.

finallyseewhy · 06-25-2010, 03:19 PM

Yep, I know the last few days he has texted me in the morning and asked what I had planned for the day and I pretty much said nothing kids, cleaning, daily stuff. Well when he found out I was going to this class and out to have some fun he wanted to know where I was going and who was going....I didn't do what he told me a month ago....'none of your business why does it matter!!' but I didn't really go into it either just that I was going to go out with a few girl friends and changed the subject. He did comment that he thought I didn't have any plans but I didn't take the bait. I also mentioned yesterday that I was thinking about joining a softball team and he sort of hinted around him playing with me.

I think that your right. I honestly am glad I didn't go right out after he left but it is coming up on the 6-7the week of our separation. and I am feeling more clear(a little bit) and emotionally to go out and have a cup of coffee with a friend or join a team. I even called up a few old gf's I haven't talked to in ages to see if they wanted to go meet up for lunch. I see that it is getting a reaction from him and not a bad one either which I really thought it would. I thought he would see it as I was giving up and just forgetting out our marriage.

finallyseewhy · 06-26-2010, 10:54 AM

7 weeks to the DAY he left I heard the words I had been praying and hoping for.....

Last night I went out and H blew up my phone like a love sick teenager. I didn't snap at him or turn my phone off...which I probably should of. This morning at 5:30AM he text me to call him when I wake up its an emergency. The mommy in me of course freaked out and woke up!!! What was the emergency? Our youngest had no clothes(I packed several outfits) they were all dirty and wondered if he could come by and get something. I quickly realized it was just a ploy to talk to me. He started in just chit chat, did I mention it was 5:30AM for almost 2 hours later he says something about being separated and I didn't really understand it so I texted back OK? and he then tells me that he has been thinking a lot about what is best for us and the kids and with his head and is no longer scared.

I am lost for words I don't even know what to say or do at this point. I sort of got a little time to think because his work called my phone and needed him so I text him to call them. I need time to
think this all out.

_______

Well I just text him and asked him how he saw us, that I had started and made a lot of changes and didn't want to go back to where we were at. He said that he didn't want to work on it and not be here to benefit from it. I then asked him if he noticed a change in me and he said lately but the bad was still in the back of his head. I told him I never expect him to forgot for am I just realize what our mistakes were and take ownership of them and grow from them.

Like I said I don't know how to feel I am excited but then very cautious right now. I want to jump up and down and be happy that our family could be getting back to being whole again but I am scared. I can't go back to the way it was and go through all of this again. I am willing to fight and work with everything I have but I have to know I have a partner in this fight and not going at it alone.

turnera · 06-26-2010, 06:56 PM

Sounds good.

BUT...

You have to have set rules in place for HOW you will ACCEPT him back.

Those need to include:
He writes a No Contact letter to OW that YOU read, and YOU send to her.
He gives you all his passwords to phone and computer, even work.
He vows to hand over his phone/computer any time you ask for it with NO FLACK from him, until you no longer need to check up on him.
He agrees to go to marriage counseling for at least a year, and as long as you feel it is helping you two.
You may want to include a postnup agreement wherein he agrees to give up marital assets if he is found cheating again.

If he's willing to accept these conditions, go for it!

If he is not, he's just jealous and wants to keep eating cake and he will continue to cheat.

finallyseewhy · 06-26-2010, 07:45 PM

turnera it has been a very interesting day and you are right no every part. I know he has been texting me and it has been clouding my mind and not really in a good way either. I almost feel like I need to really think this out BUT I think it is because at this point he thinks he is just going to be able to waltz back in and that is not the case....I don't want to punish him for leaving. If anything I probably want to thank him because I think it was needed not only as a couple but for me to grow personally.

I feel on many levels he feels like he has control for the 1st time in 11 years and is almost abusing it. I take full ownership in that I had complete control the past 11 years dictating every thing he did from little to small. He pretty much was at my beckon call and I took advantage of it. When he left he realized he had control and use it to almost 'punish' me because I had hurt him for so many years. He knew the ball was in his court.

Tonight he was headed somewhere with the boys and wanted me to come and see him and not go to the class I already had planned(it was with my bf) I told him that I really couldn't flake out on her and he gave me a guilt trip and said he just wanted to see me. Then he told me he was going to do something(for me and him a surprise) that there is no way he could afford(being separated) and he told me to not worry about it to just trust him. I asked him to please tell me where he was getting the money and he told me to not worry and to this was a 'test' to trust him! I then asked him what he meant by that and he said he meant to just trust him unconditionally because it would be fantastic and I would be excited. I told him that I wish he would just tell me because we probably should talk about it.

He has told me about 10x's how good of a day he is having and how happy he is. Like most of you know I want my family back.....I want it back so much but I also know that this can't just be a quick choice move your bags back and come home type of thing within the hour thing. I can't do this to myself again and more so I can't do it to the 2 children again. Our oldest is devastated and the toddler sat by the window calling his dada for the 1st 3 weeks and now when H comes into the house he waves bye-bye to him.

I am going to ask him if he wants to go get some coffee and talk about it tomorrow or Monday. I know part of me was scared if I put it off till Monday he would change his mind BUT with that said if he is feeling the way he is that shouldn't change and that is what I am worried about

I am scared to get excited planning for him to come home and him tell me 'oops never mind'

finallyseewhy · 06-26-2010, 07:50 PM

Well I think I might of just figured out where he thinks he is getting the money....I couldn't figure it out because I still look on the account and realize that he pretty much has barely enough to get by like usually but could do it. Where he was getting this $$$ he was saying. Well then it hit me....He just paid for his extended stay hotel and they will refund you for if you leave early. This is the only way I can see him getting the money the ONLY way.

turnera · 06-27-2010, 07:13 AM

fsw, this is a very ... dangerous time. He is showing all the symptoms of getting ready to PUSH you to reconcile. I mean PUSH. And if you don't agree, he will turn MEAN. I've seen it a dozen times before. No matter how you acted before the marriage, there is only ONE way this can work out - for him to admit what he did, follow the steps described above, and be REMORSEFUL for what he has done to you. You may have not been a great wife, but HE chose to cheat. YOU had nothing to do with that, and HE will have to own that devastation for the rest of his life.

It sounds like he is (1) being selfish and thinking only of himself and (2) trying to manipulate you. Does that sound like the husband you want back? The minute you show some independence and stop being the crying, begging housewife who was feeding his ego by sitting by the window waiting for him to come back, he goes crazy. What does that tell you? It tells ME that his actions of the last few days are 100% ABOUT HIM. You're taking away the control, as you say. That doesn't mean he is suddenly seeing the pain he caused you.

Add that to the fact that he is desperately broke, and all I see is a guy who sees you as a quick fix to his problems, not someone who regrets what he's done.

My dad did what your husband did - left my mom cos she wasn't fun enough, she wouldn't quit work and be the housewife he wanted, to stroke his ego, but after he'd sowed his oats for a few months and hated being broke and having no one take care of him, he tried to come back. But it was for all the wrong reasons. And she refused him. She said she never regretted that, because he was being a jerk, and she deserved better than to be his second choice.

I'm not telling you to say no. I'm telling you that, if you say yes, be SURE it is under YOUR conditions. If he won't agree to them - and follow through - he's just using you.

finallyseewhy · 06-27-2010, 01:57 PM

Tunera that is what I am scared of. I am not willing to be pushed into this just like I couldn't push, beg, cry for him to stay. It has to be a partnership and nothing else. I am not willing to take any less and I don't think that its a bad thing. Like the things above that is a MUST and I am not willing to take any less.

I think there was some jealously that I seemed to be moving on. He knew that I still wanted our family but it wasn't going to stop me from being happy either. His comment about not wanting to work on it and be here with out the benefits stung a little bit because I had told him almost the exact thing 7 weeks ago about how hard it would be working on it from afar.

He asked me to call him last night and I decided to just ask him flat out what he wanted/thinking. That 'trusting' was fine but I also needed to hear it too. He told me he is realizing that we can work on it and be happy. It was strange it was the 1st night I slept well in a long time. Not because I thought he was coming home but more so because I knew I was going to be happy in my future even if I couldn't tell exactly what that was.

This morning he text me to wake me up and we talked this morning and it was nice. We talked more about the things that needed to change and what we wanted in our future. I still feel it is very one sided and I am doing most of the talking at this point and he is listening. He told me many times today that he was nice to see the things I want to change and that he is happy about it. But nothing from him about what HE wants to change. Also he has NOT said when he is planning on coming home either. But talked about our life together.

Tonight he is dropping off the kids and he said he wanted to spend some time with me too. I don't really know where to take it from here. Do I just sit back and sort of let it play out? Do I flat ask him what his plans are? I did touch on the list of things last night and he seemed like it he was more then willing to do all of them....but oh course actions speak louder then words....