I want you to tell me you love me so I can tell you I don't

turnera · 06-27-2010, 03:05 PM

I would write him a letter, to hand to him when he leaves tonight. Don't discuss anything important. Tell him you've written him a letter, and in it is what it would take for you to be willing to accept him back. Set the bar VERY HIGH. If you have any doubt about whether he's really just falling back cos it's easy, include a postnup agreement wherein if he is caught cheating again, he forfeits all family assets except what he came to the marriage with. If he's truly remorseful and cognizant of how he has hurt you, he will UNDERSTAND this and he will have the HUMILITY to accept it.

Hand it to him as he's leaving, and tell him to think if over for a few days. Tell him you do NOT want to discuss this for at least until Wednesday, or Saturday, your choice. That way, he isn't just jumping home because of money, and if he's broke, tough. His choice.

finallyseewhy · 06-27-2010, 04:13 PM

Tunera that is what I am thinking of doing that way I can get ALL my thoughts out and clear and in order. I guess in many ways this will be the most important letter I write. You are right if he wants his family back then the bar being set high should not be an issue what so ever. I don't want him to see that I am punishing him for leaving but that coming back needs to be done write. part of me was scared if I waited he would change his mind and that is NOT the way I should be thinking. No lines of communications have been shut down and things are going well right now and I need to keep positive BUT realistic too.

turnera · 06-27-2010, 04:29 PM

Did I ever give you the kid stealing analogy? If you catch your kid stealing candy, and you just say Bad! Don't do that again, let's go home...will he steal again? Probably. If you take him back to the store, make him apologize, and work off the candy he stole, will he do it again? Far less likely. He has to FEEL the consequences in order to learn. Otherwise, it's just easy to do it all again.

finallyseewhy · 06-29-2010, 09:11 PM

Well the last few days have been very strange and emotionally and I am even more confused then before. I am going to try to summarize it because I am still 'foggy' with all that has been happening.

H told me on Friday(I think....its been such a blur) that he was ready to work on his family and talked about coming home. The next day I was sort of in shocked went out with my friends and he texted me over and over. Then the next day still texting me from about 530AM till late at night. Was being super nice....nicer then he has been in such a long time I can't remember. Asking about my day, texting me little things about what was going on with the kids and stuff he saw, telling me g'night ect. Well that evening he tried to get me to cancel my plans and meet him(I didn't) and he text me so much it was embarrassing.....I can not even IMAGINE what would of happen if I texted him when he went 'out' a month ago but I can tell you it wouldn't of been good....

Yesterday he came over(we did some stuff and he spent some time with the kids at the house) I FLAT OUT asked him what he was planning on doing if he was going home and if so when? He told me he would give me an ANSWER on Thursday!! That I just had to TRUST him that it was going to be OK. He left and that night texted me till 2AM and I told him I HAD to go.

Well I sent him a e-mail last night telling him what I needed, how I have worked on myself and how I didn't want to go through this again. It was a very straight forward e-mail. I also told him that I wanted to trust him but this was not a decision that could only be made with 1-person(him) it had to be made as a couple. That I would talk to him on Thursday and we could meet at Starbucks. He texted me afterwords told me he read and asked me if I wanted to go out to lunch? I asked him if he read it he said yes and acted as if it was not a big deal.

This morning he texted me this morning asking what I was doing. I told him to call me. I asked him what he thought about the e-mail and how he felt. He told me that he told me that he thought we could work on it. I asked him how? I told him I have pretty much laid all my cards on the table admitting what I had done wrong and taking ownership of it. Told him how I would change things and what I needed/wanted from a marriage. The I told him that I needed to hear what he was feeling....he responded 'I think we can work on it' I asked him how. That I needed him to tell me HOW. That he just doesn't get to decide to come home when ever he wants it has to be a choice made together. He then got defensive saying I didn't want him back, that I haven't been listening, that I just needed to TRUST him and that was the biggest thing for him. That I just needed to trust him. When I told him I was not the only one that hurt this marriage and I needed to know what he was going to do different it was almost like he was SHOCKED that I said it. I guess he figures that because I have been very open with how I was changing and my mistakes he didn't need to admit any of his.
He did tell me he told his 'friend' today that we were getting along very well and he was working on his marriage. That it was always a friendship but he can understand why I felt other ways. I contacted her and she told me that he did say that and that she never did have ANY feelings for him other then a friend like she told me before and still feels the same way towards him.

Tonight he texted me and I told him that I would talk to him Thursday and he said, 'what about tomorrow' I told him I was going to be very busy and he asked why and I sort of made up a 'list' of stuff. I am going to just turn off my phone. I need him to think and so do I. He told me 'ok and good night' I fully expect him to try to call/text but I am going to be busy....

I feel like I am in a very strange place. I want to believe he is ready to work on it, but part of me is fully prepared for him to either tell me 'sorry I can't' or just not say what I NEED to hear. I am going to have to hear something more then just 'trust me' I am hoping for the best but not planning on it either. I need him to show that he is ready to truly work on this marriage. I can not put myself through this again or our children.

If on Thursday he is willing to do what is needed then great!! But if he tells me he cant I am going plan B and no contact and moving forward towards what I have to do. I guess I will just have to see what happens.

turnera · 06-29-2010, 09:57 PM

Good luck. Spend tomorrow writing out a more detailed plan of what he would have to follow, specifically.

He seems like he just wants to skate on the surface, so it's going to have to be YOU preparing a specific, step by step guide on what you need from him, where you can check off if he has done each thing. Seriously.

finallyseewhy · 06-29-2010, 11:27 PM

Oh I know, this is something I have to think about because of it. H is someone in any aspect of his life needs to almost have his 'hand held' so even if this was not something serious I would have to do that.

I have to really KNOW what I want and be blunt and up front with it. I am not not willing to take less.....I just can't.

Affaircare · 06-29-2010, 11:53 PM

I have a suggestion. On our site is this questionnaire: Love Extinguishers Questionnaire. My guess is that if you filled out that questionnaire answering for you the Love Extinguishers he did to you, that you would then have a fairly clear idea of what you NEED and what you want to ask for/request. NEED would be "This is non-negotiable, it's a hill to die on." Want to ask for/request would be "This is something I would very much like but it's not the end of the world."

Another questionnaire that might help stir your mind and help you think clearly is the Love Busters Questionnaire. Please pick the questionnaire to be completed by the wife.

And by the way, finallyseewhy, we've been with ya through this--through thick and thin--and we aren't leaving you now. You've done WELL and I think this may be the final wake up call to getting a really good, mature, loving, committed marriage. He's stubborn-ish but not a bad guy at all and if you stand firm (but loving) on this I think you have real hope here. So if you need us, we're here and on PM. Okay?

P.S. Usually Tanelorn, turnera and I recommend at least these minimums:

1) A no contact letter that he writes and you send; and a way to enforce no contact.

2) Access and passwords to all his accounts: email, facebook, cell phone, laptop, forums, and every single other way that he hid from you and kept in contact with OW. This goal of this is not to snoop and embarrass him but rather to give him the opportunity to create trust and give you the chance to verify his honesty.

3) A commitment to actually work on himself and the marriage. This would usually be demonstrated for a while first, and would include something like him showing you that he can end his Love Extinguishers, that he can increase the Love Kindlers to rebuild the marriage...and showing you that he can go to counseling and work on himself and his own issues. Demonstrating that he can be personally responsible for the things that he did and take ownership of his own stuff rather than blaming you for what he did. Make sense?

finallyseewhy · 06-30-2010, 12:52 AM

I just have to thank you all I really mean that I am not going to lie I DONT think I could of done this last 8 weeks without you guys

& even more so I don't think I would of grown at ALL from this experience I would of just become more bitter.

I am going to print off those questioners and those requirements are on my list!

Funny thing something happen tonight and I am almost taking it as a 'sign' I have been talking to the OW/friend tonight and I have found out a lot about stuff. It is opening my eyes on a lot of things. They were not together I do believe that and I don't think she was interested in him at all....I really believe that in my heart. Funny thing is she is being very helpful. She is pretty much saying that he needs to figure his stuff out and telling me a lot of stuff. I will update tomorrow with all the info.

AFEH · 06-30-2010, 07:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Affaircare

I have a suggestion. On our site is this questionnaire: Love Extinguishers Questionnaire. My guess is that if you filled out that questionnaire answering for you the Love Extinguishers he did to you, that you would then have a fairly clear idea of what you NEED and what you want to ask for/request. NEED would be "This is non-negotiable, it's a hill to die on." Want to ask for/request would be "This is something I would very much like but it's not the end of the world."

Hi finallyseewhy,
Big apologies for coming in on your topic like this.

Affaircare,
Your questionnaire re love extinguishers is the one single thing I’ve read in the past 6 months that validates how I feel. The validation comes from the “spiritual neglect” category which I’d termed “emotional abuse”. I’d also termed “love extinguishers” as “killed my love”. My wife fits into every single sub category and yes it was “horrible and very often” and I lost so much love for her there simply wasn’t any left.

If there was any chance of a reconciliation between us I would want to use your services because “I know you know”. But I don’t even want reconciliation but stranger things have happened.

Finallyseewhy,
I really do hope that you not only get what you need but also you get what you want. Good luck on your journey.

Bob

finallyseewhy · 06-30-2010, 08:36 AM

Bob thank you

OK, so much has happen in the last few hours and I am so happy right now I can barely type but its good and I am going to come back and update later after I get some sleep(I haven't yet lol)

Its a great day today and I feel so blessed right now.

gally · 06-30-2010, 02:12 PM

I hate to say this ... and I dont know if anyone else feels the same... but .. If you think about all the energy you put into a difficult relationship (And I am) perhaps it would just be better to bail out - deal with it and move on.

finallyseewhy · 06-30-2010, 03:02 PM

gally there has been times in the past 7 weeks I have felt like that but it quickly passed. I know for some it would be and in some cases would be the best. I think every couple is different. In my situation the things that needed to change I felt they were achievable I know that was/is going to take energy and hard work but any relationship is. We just shouldn't of let it get to this point

but we did and now have to own our mistakes and try not to make them again. For me I quickly realized that even if my marriage didn't reconcile I had to work on these changes anyway to be healthy and happy in the future.

I wish I would of done these things before. That I would of implicated them over the past 11 years but I didn't. This may sound very strange to some 2 weeks ago I realized this separation was a blessing in disguised.