I have a suggestion. On our site is this questionnaire: Love Extinguishers Questionnaire.
My guess is that if you filled out that questionnaire answering for you the Love Extinguishers he did to you, that you would then have a fairly clear idea of what you NEED and what you want to ask for/request. NEED would be "This is non-negotiable, it's a hill to die on." Want to ask for/request would be "This is something I would very much like but it's not the end of the world."
Another questionnaire that might help stir your mind and help you think clearly is the Love Busters Questionnaire.
Please pick the questionnaire to be completed by the wife.
And by the way, finallyseewhy, we've been with ya through this--through thick and thin--and we aren't leaving you now. You've done WELL and I think this may be the final wake up call to getting a really good, mature, loving, committed marriage. He's stubborn-ish but not a bad guy at all and if you stand firm (but loving) on this I think you have real hope here. So if you need us, we're here and on PM. Okay?
P.S. Usually Tanelorn, turnera and I recommend at least these minimums:
1) A no contact letter that he writes and you send; and a way to enforce no contact.
2) Access and passwords to all his accounts: email, facebook, cell phone, laptop, forums, and every single other way that he hid from you and kept in contact with OW. This goal of this is not to snoop and embarrass him but rather to give him the opportunity to create trust and give you the chance to verify his honesty.
3) A commitment to actually work on himself and the marriage. This would usually be demonstrated for a while first, and would include something like him showing you that he can end his Love Extinguishers, that he can increase the Love Kindlers to rebuild the marriage...and showing you that he can go to counseling and work on himself and his own issues. Demonstrating that he can be personally responsible for the things that he did and take ownership of his own stuff rather than blaming you for what he did. Make sense?