Well the other day H came over and I was very emotional not because of him but it was the 1st day our children went to day care(only 3 hrs and I don't even have a job but we wanted to see how it went) He grabbed me and asked what was wrong and he ended up kissing me and telling me he was miserable the last few days and missed me and wanted to spend the day with me and make love. He came back after he dropped of the kids and to be honest it went great. He was very open about his feelings ect and it felt like we really connected on a deep level. I said something when we were together that I didn't know where it came from. I told him that I loved him, wanted him to come back, but I wouldn't let him break me.
This is some good "Carrot and Stick" (aka Plan A) stuff finallyseewhy. It sounds to me like you wanted to and were willing to make love and I have no doubt that is one of his Love Kindlers so good job. Also it sounds like you two talked on a deeper level, which is another good thing. Bear in mind he may be doing some of this to "butter you up" or for selfish reasons but in a way that's mildly okay because the point of this step is to let him see that you CAN stop the Love Extinguishers that hurt him and you can also be the woman who kindles his love. It's not a "competition" with the OW but rather you just be the woman you have the potential to be and the shining beacon for how to find his way back to the marriage.
Well today he came over today to bring me somewhere I needed him to bring me. Well he started to sort of have a mental break about his fiances and told me he was going to have to live in his SUV because he wasn't going to have any $$$ left. Which is true after paying me child support, day care, and his expensive extended stay he is left with maybe $20-60 a week. He was on E and the gas light was on. He has a good job but its expensive. Well I told him I was sorry and will pray for him and he sort snapped and said that praying wouldn't put gas in his car or food on his table!
It's fine to allow him to voice his frustration and fears, but I'm glad you didn't take his bait and offer to buy gas etc. This is almost perfect "Carrot and Stick" in that he sees that he can make love and even go to lunch with you...but has to live in his SUV and have no money with OW. Just to get the hang of it, this might have been a great opportunity to say: "You know, you would not have to live in your SUV or have an empty gas tank if you would (insert... "make the choice to work on the issues in our marriage and come home" or whatever your come home requirements are.. here). This would plant the seed in his mind that you'd still work with him and he does still have an option...but it's not back to the way it used to be and he'll have to do some work.
Well we ended up going to lunch(I paid) the kids were with us and they were hungry....it was overall a pretty nice meal. I told him that I felt as if he wanted me to tell him I love him and almost beg and he told me that he wanted me to tell him for years.
AH HA! This is a very important clue, finallyseewhy. Right there he just told you one of the things that was a fairly big Love Extinguisher for him. He may be a "rescuer" kind of guy and you are a fully-capable, adult woman...but some part of him wants to know and HEAR OUT LOUD that you love him, want him, choose him...choose to be with him. Okay I realize this is me reading into his words, but I am also a person whom LOVES what I call admiration. I love to hear over and over that I make someone happy, did a good job, look good, smell good, etc. etc. etc. My literal guess is that you could build his love fire and quickly by finding ways to say positive, encouraging, uplifting, building things about him, his looks, his job, everything. I'll bet you money the OW did and that's how he fell for her (even if she didn't fall for him).
Well tomorrow he gets paid and will have to pay child support/day care and I know he is going to bring up money. I told him today I felt as if he was manipulating me and saying things that he knows would get to me.....saying he had no food/was going to have to live in his car. He said he wasn't...that he wasn't that good at doing it
Its sort of strange because I am feeling better, stronger, and almost clearer. I love him and miss being a family unit. I feel like I am at a crucial turning point and don't know what to do. Part of me thinks I need to give an ultimatum and then part of me feels like I need to just wade out the storm.
I agree, I think you're at a turning point too but the turning point is that HE is starting to figure out the affair isn't all it was cracked up to be in his head, and life with you isn't as bad as he had in his head either! So I'd suggest two things:
1) Begin to think now of what you would need in order for him to return home. I would think: a) End Contact with the OW and never, ever speak to her again; b) Access to all of his online accounts, cell phone, email, facebook etc. to verify he's being honest; c) individual counseling and marriage counseling. Personally I would suggest that he work on some of his own issues (like admitting the things he did to harm the marriage) and show some progress before coming home, but that's because disloyals can often (not always) promise that they'll go to counseling or do the work...get home...and then not do anything or make excuses. So I recommend seeing some progress FIRST. Trust = Actions and Words that match so let him act in a way that earns your trust.
2) Be patient and continue to focus on your own work and your own issues. Work on ending the Love Extinguishers that damaged the marriage. Work on identifying his Love Kindlers and plan how to do them in a way that he likes. You go to counseling and/or a support group and be the loving, happy, capable, smart, funny woman you are. Wait out the storm just a bit more and let him be the one to realize he needs to choose to come home...but that he does have that option and you would work with him to build something better. You won't accept the way it was before--he has to either participate and make it better than it was, or you are perfectly capable of living on your own without him. Okay? Wait.
I wanted to add that the women he had an OW with they work together so having no contact is not possible. I did comfort her and truly believe it was just co-worker/friendship for her....she did NOT know he was lying to me about meeting her/texting. I will say I can tell he was just wanting for something to open up. He got very wound up in all of it
Okay, I understand (as in comprehend) what you're saying but I say poppyc*ck.
In order to end the affair, he can not continue to spend 8+ hours a day with his addiction. This is the rough equivalent of an alcoholic going to 30-day treatment then saying, "I'm going to work at a bar and just resist it." NOT GONNA HAPPEN! So finallyseewhy, she may not have been into it, but HE WAS
to the point of leaving his wife and family behind!! For the good of your marriage he either has to end all contact with her, or divorce. Which do you pick? Would you rather continue the periodic work contact and be a single mom? Or would you rather think of a way to creatively survive no contact?
I would suggest a few options. Sometimes no contact does mean leaving a job...but not always. Can he be transferred to another location? Work another shift? Can she move to another department in the company? Can he? My point is that saying "Well...100% no contact is impossible" is a way for the disloyal to continue the thrill of the affair-zing even if it is driven way, down deep...and it is kind of a cop out. There are ways to get them apart, and if it's a small company with no way to work apart...well then that's part of the cost of choosing to NOT devote all of his affection and loyalty to the one with whom he has a covenant! Seriously--if he was fired you two would survive it somehow right? It wouldn't be easy but you would come through it together. Worst case scenario you can survive this too! But don't agree to "some contact" or "minimum contact"--it will ... I'm telling you even if it's one-sided, it WILL prolong the affair and your hubby will stay in the fog as long as the affair continues.
Well I just looked at the account and he is not going to make it this week on what he has. I feel bad because he has a really great job but with child support/daycare/expensive extended stay hotel it just is too much. With that said this is a situation he put himself into
If Affaircare or anyone is around I would love some feedback. I am seriously scared and almost want to turn off my phone because I imagine today is not going to be fun. I really can't because he is coming over today to get the kids so I HAVE to talk to him.
I would suggest texting or calling him and saying, "Today is your day to pick up the kids, so I will expect you at the usual time: XXX o'clock. I'll have them ready for you." Then turn your phone off, have them ready, sort of send them out and you follow in a little bit to say goodbye, and go back in the house. If he tries to hook you into a money-talk, just say, "Oh I'm sorry I can't talk now. Have a good night with the kids! Bye!" and walk into the house.