Today when he picked up the kids I texted him that I asked him what was his next day off and he told me Wednesday so I texted him back that I needed him to have them the next few Saturdays. He asked why? I texted back the kids needed lunch(to diverte away from why he asked why.....a big part of me wanted to say, 'none of your business like he told me BUT I didn't) then I texted him, 'OK, just plan on having them Saturdays & Wednesdays as your days next week'
Quick note, finallyseewhy--this is a note to point out something to you so you can grow as a person okay? You just did to him what he does to you and it drives you nuts. You didn't "respectfully request" that he have the kids Wednesday and Saturday...you TOLD HIM he would have them on those days.
I would like to point out the subtle difference between the two approaches.
When you W-T-F-S, you don't try to control them or tell them what to do or when to do it. You identify when something is not okay WITH YOU; you tell them both your thoughts and your feelings (so it's not blaming them, you are keeping it on you); and then you make a request that recognizes they are a valid human too and to which they are free to voluntarily say "yes" or "no" or "that won't work but this will..." This way you respect them and they respect you back--and mutual agreement is reached by both parties.
When you TELL HIM (or he tells you), you are trying to control him (or he, you) and tell him what to do or when to do it--or he's trying to tell you what to do or when to do it. Neither one is acceptable. Also you have not communicated what you think or feel, so he may or may not have any idea that you think "waiting until he calls" is inconvenient or that you feel disrespected and like your time isn't valuable. Finally by "telling" you do not treat the other person as if they are an equal partner and you don't give them the chance to say "yes" or "no" or offer an option that would work for them. There is not mutual agreement between equal parties--one is trying to have Power Over the other.
At this point if he's willing to take them Wednesdays and Saturdays, I would say it's not really worth doing it over or anything, except that you have not said out loud your thoughts and feelings so he'll never know...and yes I love the guys, but no they usually don't get hints or "he should just know." Nope that's part of the old power struggle way of doing things that got your marriage into trouble! So just tuck this away and next time, really try to remember it. In other words, live and learn for a new day.
Part of me thought it wasn't good to pick Saturday because I didn't want him to see me as 'punishing' him but it is the day that he can have the kids. Also I NEED to get out and ... I am going to go do it! There is no need to sit in the house waiting for paint to dry.
A couple of my friends wanted me to go out to a bar/club but honestly I am not to this point. Also I have no interest in hooking up or dating anyone else. I am taking this time to work on myself so I can be a stronger mother and person.
One important reason why he needs to have the children on a somewhat set schedule is that you are an adult just as much as he is and you have a life and things to do and places to go and people to see just as much as he does. If this were to become a divorce, he can not depend on you to be the "live in sitter" while he does as he pleases, and just as you have arranged your schedule to adapt to the children, he can too--it is part of being a parent.
However, most importantly is that you do need some time to yourself and for yourself. When you don't have the children that would be an EXCELLENT time to go to your own personal counseling (if you think you need it), go to the bookstore and enjoy that latte and get a book just for you, go to a class or seminar (like...yoga or Tai Chi), or go to a support group so you can meet other women who are in your shoes and make some lady friends! I agree with you--this is NOT (let me repeat: NOT
) the time for going to bars and picking up some new man!
However, I know in some small towns the local bar is not a meat market but rather "the town social spot" and a place where people go, hang out, and talk--some drink a beer and some drink a coke and no one cares! If that's your bar...that's sort of different. But if your bar is the meat market--no, that's not the kind of person or man you want in your life anyway. You want a man who is kind, loving, gentle, thoughtful, committed and moral...right?
I hope some day that may describe your husband