I want you to tell me you love me so I can tell you I don't

Affaircare · 06-07-2010, 12:53 PM

I'm just going to say that I realize it's hard, but you are right on track. I would suggest doing one nice thing for Finallyseewhy today--like maybe that latte....

finallyseewhy · 06-07-2010, 08:24 PM

Well today there was a lot of crying and screaming and not on my part. H pretty much texted me and also called and went off about how I don't love him or ever cared....this was because I wouldn't give him any money. He went on to call me a ***** and lazy and how he supported me through out this whole marriage and left him desuetude. That he could not survive and was in 'primal' mode worrying about where his next meal or gas would come from and that I told him I would never let him go hungry(he said this to DIRECTLY hurt me). It is true he has $1.96 in his account and no gas.

Well when he was going off I snapped and said that I would give him all the love and support if he was willing to come home and work on his family and go to therapy. He told me I was being selfish and holding his family over his head. I just repeated the same thing over. After him saying the same thing to him and he calling me selfish I asked him HOW it was selfish for me to fight for this family!!

He then came over to get the kids to bring them to practice I told I would give him gas money to bring our oldest....he wasn't going to be able to go if not. Well he came in and started yelling and screaming and even threw a toy across the room! Then he came over and tried to HUG ME & when I didn't hug him back he told me that this was what was wrong that I push him away.

After he left I got a text telling me that I was right and that he felt like he was self destructing and he didn't know if I could help. I told him to get into therapy and that I could help and he told me that being gone he couldn't afford therapy. He went on for many text asking me how I would change it and how I had hurt him and that he was scared.

I am honestly at a loss right now on what to do. I pretty much gave him an ultimatum....family or be alone.

finallyseewhy · 06-07-2010, 08:35 PM

I probably should add that he keeps complaining about the child support/day care cost he is paying 2/3 of his check. We started daycare last week because I wanted to ease the kids into it(they never have been in) and he keeps saying over and over the he CANT afford to pay it. He even went as far to offer me an extra $100 a week to continue being a SAHM. I sort of wanted to do this BUT wouldn't this just keep him in the fantasy world he is in right now?

Neverwouldhave guessed · 06-07-2010, 09:04 PM

Remember, YOU are the "sane" one right now. Do not give in to the temper tantrums and turn off the phone if he gets into a texting marathon. Anything said after the first couple of texts is pointless. He is manipulating you either intentionally or unintentionally. Either way, for you, him AND your marriage, limit the length of the dramatic conversations. He is totally irrational right now and may be for some time.

My H moved out in September '09, started an affair in February. After too much drama on both our parts, the affair is over (I think) and for the first time I think there might be a chance at reconciliation. Sitting still and limiting contact is SO HARD, but absolutely necessary when they behave like their evil twin. I have learned to stay calm and somewhat upbeat no matter what, and over the course of time have learned to let him know I can live without him (not the case at first.) He will respect you more and you will respect yourself. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, no more sex for awhile. No way, no how. How dare he think he can use you that way. I'm sure there is a good man in that body, but for now show him you will not tolerate the evil twin.

He will find a way to get the money to live. Unless you feel the arrangement in unfair, do not give him more. Let him suffer the consequences of his immature behavior. If you feel it is unfair, renegotiate when he is calm and not demanding it.

Just my opinion.

finallyseewhy · 06-07-2010, 09:11 PM

There will be no sex what so ever and to be honest I don't think I could give myself to him right now. How he has treated me the last few days and what he has said/done has made me not want to do that what so ever!

He sort of had me over a barrel tonight with our child because he HAD to go somewhere and I had no way of bring him

so that is why I gave him a couple of dollars for gas for our child and that was it.

I do believe there is a good man under there but he is doing everything possible to cover that up....what a shame

sisters359 · 06-07-2010, 10:02 PM

When you wrote that he came over and had sex with you again and then brought up money again--like before--it was clear that he is totally trying to manipulate you. What a scummy thing of him to do. It doesn't matter how hard it is--he chose it. He must support his family. And don't sell out for $100/month to remain a SAHM. Let the courts decide when you need to go back to work--if your kids aren't in school and they were home with you, then that should be continued as long as possible-for THEIR sake, not yours. Geez, what is he thinking! OK, I know he is not. Anyway, do not go back to work yet if that is not what you were planning when the kids were still this young. Go back to school if it will help you when you finally go back for a job, but be a SAHM and he will have to support you until the kids are in school, or at least for a few years so you can get your skills upgraded. Do not let him rush you into working at a job that is low paying; school, then work. You agreed to be a SAHM and have made sacrifices b/c of that, and you will be poor your whole life if you let him rush you back to work now.

What a performance he is putting on. He wants to eat his cake and have it, too. Do not wait for him to realize what an ass he is/has been. Move on. If he "gets it" at a point where you are still willing to listen to him, fine. If not, so be it. Hell, you could be divorced several years and happily remarried before he "gets it." It is not your responsibility to put YOUR life on hold while he figures out his. Not part of the agreement! Good luck!

finallyseewhy · 06-07-2010, 10:11 PM

Sisters you are very right but I didn't have sex with him TODAY....did I write that?? We have several times this month but not today.

I am not going to take the money to be a SAHM a extra $100 a week in child support is just not enough. I mean it is not like he has a bad job by any means and if I remain a SAHM while he is trying to 'find' himself I will literally be putting my life on hold. I would barely be getting by. I am almost done with school and the field I am going into has great earning potential I would be a fool to not finish and remain at home.

finallyseewhy · 06-07-2010, 11:49 PM

I forgot to add that when we were talking I brought up the OW/friend and he told me there was no reason to bring anyone else into this. It was my fault for pushing him away.

Affaircare · 06-08-2010, 01:36 AM

Oh finallyseewhy, this is so easy. Here is a link to a quick child support calculator for all 50 states in the USA: Child Support Calculators

These are not "rock solid" up-to-date, perfectly current calculators but you plug in your income and his income and child care costs and WHAMMO! You can see for yourself what the courts would likely order if it were to become a divorce. In the state of Oregon, for example, if he makes $52,000 per year and pays $100/week/child for two kids, that would be monthly child support estimated of $1725 each month and that doesn't begin to touch a court-ordered bill (or mortgage payment) or alimony or anything! For even more accuracy, just Google search for "Child Support Calculator (Your State)." My point here is that it's not you being a meanie--this is reality. When you leave your wife and children for the wistress, you do not get to keep all your money! Furthermore, it's not you being unrealistic. Regular, normal legislators in your local society determined the child support for your state, so his representatives voted to say that this formula seemed reasonable to them.

This is mildly easy. When he goes into a text message massacre--turn your phone off and leave it off for an hour or two. If he does it on the phone, talk over the top of him, calmly, and say "I'm very sorry your choices have put you in this spot, but contact me when you are ready to devote all of your affection and loyalty to only me. I'm going to hang up now. Bye!" then CLICK. Don't let him hook you in or say more, just hang up. Again, if needed, turn off the phone.

If it is at home...I would try to get past him so you're not trapped, ask him to leave, stay on task and keep saying, "I am not willing to discuss that now please leave. I am not willing to discuss that. If you are going to continue I need you to leave. I will not talk about this, so go to your home now. Allow me to move and don't trap me--I'm asking you to leave and you are forcing me here against my will." It is NOT COOL for him to trap you like that and it is intimidation. So keep repeating that you won't talk and you want him to leave until he does. If he keeps doing that, have your brother or a big burly neighbor as a witness at all exchanges or times you are with him (he's less likely to try to "trap you" in front of someone else).

finallyseewhy · 06-08-2010, 11:05 AM

Affaircare that is the EXACT calculator we used. That is the EXACT one that said he would not only have to pay child support but also daycare ect. I honestly think that he is living in a fantasy world when it comes to what he was going to have to pay. He thinks I am being unreasonable because I am not willing to work with him and let him pay less.

finallyseewhy · 06-08-2010, 11:21 AM

Affaircare do you think it was 'wrong' for me to pretty much tell he had to choose what he wanted? Be alone/stand on his own or come back and work on his family?

finallyseewhy · 06-10-2010, 11:10 AM

Well this morning was horrible pretty much H told me that he is going to drop the child support by $50 a week so he can live. It was a huge argument and it was really bad. I went off and lost my cool and he did too. He even called me a ***** in front of our kids(in the car). I don't know what I am going to do at this point it looks like I am going to have to tell my family what is going on because I am going to need their help

I told him that I could go back home and then he wouldn't have to pay day care and he even paused and thought about it. I hate to take them away but I am at the point were I am going to need support and I have NONE here where I live. I am so disappointed not only in myself but everything. My children are going to suffer and really bad.

Affaircare · 06-10-2010, 11:52 AM

I'll summarize for ya finallyseewhy. Time to get a legal separation and ASAP. At any point now he'll realize he doesn't have to honor the agreement he signed at all, and you can't enforce it. He's also clearly showed he thinks more of himself than even the safety and well-being of his own children. An adult would think: "Supporting the children is NOT an option. If I can not make it on my wages, and I want personal spending money, I guess I'll have to get a second job." An adult would NOT think: "Well I'll take food out of my children's mouths so I have enough money to take the wistress out dancing."

I know it's going to piss him off but your marriage can survive anger. It can not survive an affair!! And your children can not survive on air. Get foodstamps if you have to, and file for legal separation so that your state's child support enforcement can garnish him.

finallyseewhy · 06-10-2010, 12:17 PM

I called an attorney and I am going to see him tomorrow I am just in disbelief right now I can't even pin point the emotions I am feeling right now. I am going to have to tell my family because I have no way of putting the money for an attorney myself and he knows this. The attorney I talked with said exactly what you have said that it doesn't matter if he is staying in an expensive place and has no money left its NOT my problem and that I need to get an emergency agreement fast.

I can no longer think about this marriage working I have to think about my children's well being. I know the moment I contacted a lawyer or he gets the letter from him my support will STOP but I don't know what else to do. He is in a fantasy world and it is very very sad and he is only hurting his kids and will in the long run. I feel like I up a creek with no paddle right now. I haven't even told any of my family and now I have to go spill all my heart and beg for help

He told me again today if I really loved him that I would not be doing this. That I really don't want to work on any of this and I was the one that told him too leave. That THIS is the problem he has with me that I can compromise. The attorney told me that this is black mail and I feel like it is

cmf · 06-10-2010, 02:37 PM

Listen to the lawyer. it is true. Our agreement only lasted 4 months before he just decided it was all about him. Please don't feel bad going to your family. I know it is hard. He will get a big dose of reality just by the fact he gets served papers, as I'm sure he thinks you are bluffing. Mine did. He will get very angry when served, just ignore him and go no contact- especially if he cuts you off. You can always try to get him to have to pay your lawyer fees and can then pay back your family. If your family is like mine, they will help you and make sure you and your kids have what you need. I know I am very lucky to have their support. It may take awhile but he will be court ordered to give you support, he can't escape it.