finallyseewhy

So when I talked to him and asked him flat out if he was going to deposit my child support(he is sorting me $60) and he freaked out on me and asked why in the hell he would want to be with a person like me. He then texted me telling me I call and text him all the time and give him no space and am relentless. That I can not compromise and am not willing to see anything from his presepctive and that if this continues he can never work on anything. That I am not even giving him a fair chance and not to respond to him yet and to think about WHY HE WOULD EVER WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS TREATING HIM LIKE I THIS.

I will not call him again or text. I don't care if my ****ing house is on fire he will hear about it when he calls. I even went as far as deleting his number from my phone(I dont know anyone's number by heart) He has made his position and there is no convincing him what to do. He is going to do what ever he wants too. I will not discuss money with him again I guess I will get what I get until it is court ordered. Next week I am just going to start doing the drop off of the kids between the daycare I never thought I would have to do this but I guess I will. When that is not possible I will just have him drop off and be conventionally in the other room.

I don't know what else I can do at this point. He is pretty much telling me that unless am willing to lower the child support/day care he is not willing to work on this marriage. He asked me to not respond to his text till I think about it and I am thinking about it but I don't think I will be responding. I told him that if he wanted me to let him go and give him space I would. I will move on and live my life with out him. I will stop fighting for this family(and this hurts so bad to even write this) and just fight for my kids.

finallyseewhy

Well I have a small update with what happen tonight....

Well he came over I went out to get the kids and didn't really say anything and when I started to walk away he called me back. I figured he wanted to say good bye again to our youngest. Well he looked right at me and said, 'so you really want to move' Now some back ground on this I said when he 1st left that I could move back home and then when we wouldn't have to worry about daycare cost. Well I said, 'NOPE, I am going make it work here' He asked how and I told him I would figure it out. That I would be OK.

I remained calm. I will say I was not all smiles and puppy dog faces but was polite and calm. He tried to do a puppy dog face on me and say he was having such a hard time and was not hardly making it with all the cost.

Well then I did something I am very proud of myself and I have to thank Affaircare for it

Well in her previous post she mentioned food stamps well I remembered some where that if you applied for public assistance that they automatically put in a child support order. I have some savings and am hoping I will not need to have to apply for anything like that BUT it gave me a GENIUS idea!

He started to talk about money again and I told him I was going to have to apply for food stamps and they were going to have to do an automatic child support order. He sort of got a scared look and said, 'Oh OK' I know part of it was the idea of me having to go down and apply for anything like that but I know a even BIGGER part was he knew that I was not bluffing anymore and that they were not going to care they would just take the set amount.

cmf

You did good! He is due for a reality check. I wish I had handled things as well as you when my husband and I first separated. It took me about 3-4 months before I was thinking clearer and not so emotional. The last 6 weeks I have learned SOOO much from this forum and have gotten great advice. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time .

finallyseewhy

cmf thank you but honestly the ONLY reason I am is because of this forum and I almost feel silly saying this but if I wouldn't of found this place I would be acting a lot different and really screwing myself.

Don't get me wrong I am very emotional but I am forcing myself to think of things and I am being a lot more rational/clear now. Like an example today was I called him today several times in midst of the conversation this morning. So I did something sort of drastic by deleting his number so I couldn't but I wont be able to just 'call' I did start to get emotional tonight and took a mental step back before it was noticeable. I fully realize now I am dealing with someone who is very irrational right now and I have to be the one with the clear head.

finallyseewhy

Well I did not talk to H at all yesterday he texted me for something but then texted me 'nevermind' so I didn't respond. This morning he texted me he wanted the kids for the next 2 nights and my heart feel into my stomach I have never been away from my youngest for that long and I don't know how I am going to do it I really really dont. I didn't text him back because he was just telling me not really asking me a question or anything.

I guess on some levels deleting his number from the cell phone is good because I just can't call or text when ever I want it makes it a little harder. I am somewhat worried about a few things but will just write a small note and send it with our oldest. Yesterday I called the daycare about something and I asked if he had dropped off the $$$ and she told me not yet. I know he pulled it from the account and can't really understand why he wouldn't pay it? I really don't think he would do that but I guess you never know

cmf

I also didn't respond when he would just text me a demand. I had to clearly spell out to my H that the OW was NOT to be included in his time with the kids- he snuck her in at least twice that I know about. My kids hate her and have basically told their Dad they do not want her around when they are with him- their therapist had to tell him too before he actually "got"it. I would just remind him that if the daycare is not paid , he will need to make arrangements for the children for the week. The first time I was separated from the kids at night was awful, I won't lie. Just keep very busy and the time will fly by.

finallyseewhy

I am not looking forward to the next 2 days I am just planning on deep cleaning my whole house to try to keep busy. It is ugly outside so I probably wont get out much

I texted him a simple message just saying the babysitter called and was wondering when the $$ would be dropped off. He texted me back Monday and I left it at that.

I have wondered if the OW would be around the next couple of days and if she is how I would handle it. There could be a possibility of it happening tonight. If I find out she is I have thought about flat out calling her and telling her 'nicely' to stay away from my children. That her relationship with my husband has already impacted them enough. Even more so our oldest who has been told to lie to me about her. Hopefully it will not be something I have to worry about for mine, his, her's because if it is I might have to take the step of contacting their employer.

cmf

My kids told me everytime they saw her, even though they were told not to. I would DEFINETLY tell their employer if he does not honor your request about not having her around- the OW usually tries to "bond" with the kids to impress the husband-sickening. If he wants time with the kids, then he needs to focus only on them when he has them. This is obviously a sore spot with me- the OW is a smoker and my kids hate smoke-she is also a fat pig Enough of my rant. Keep busy and try to do something just for yourself this week-end.

finallyseewhy

I know that our child will tell me if she is there and for H I hope she is not because I have made up my mind if she is there I am calling and taking action on calling their employer. He knows that will so I am hoping he is not going to be stupid but most of the stuff he has done lately IS stupid so who knows.

My original plan was to pretty much clean and sleep through the next 2 days but I am going to get my cleaning down today and and then tomorrow I am going to do something for myself.

He actually came over when I was in the middle of writing this and was very cold towards me. When I was asking questions about the kids he was very short he sort of snapped and told me he would call me if there was any problems. I came in and balled like a baby not because he was cold but because I realized that 1 my kids were going to be gone for almost 3 days but he is only going to be nice to me if he needs something and I need to just accept that is how he is going to be like. Maybe it will change, maybe it wont I guess I will just have to sit back and wait.

cmf

When we first separated mine was the same- he wouldn't even come up to the house because he said he had nothing to say to me and didn't want me to drag him into a conversation. His coldness lasted for a very long time- many months. When he would call the house, if I answered he would say" I want to talk to my children". For the past several weeks, he has started asking to speak with me when he calls the kids. I saw my H for about 3 hours this morning with the kids-it went ok, he left early , nothing really said between us. He is over tonight to help with a sleep-over for our oldest child- he just left to take his dogs out. He has been pretty cold with me tonight but civil. I think maybe he doesn't want to be here, it is a lot of work with all these kids and he is now used to only taking care of his own needs 24-7. I told him he could bring the dogs over for the night( I miss them and wanted to spend time with them), but he bit my head off when I told him this. I am going to stay positive tonight and not let it get to me, but I do sense a bit of a coldness. Well, I only had a minute. Back to the kids...I'll update later. Stay strong, enjoy the quiet and try to relax. Have fun tomorrow!

finallyseewhy

cmf thank you I am going to even if it kills me(which it wont ) to stay positive and just try to think of something else Sunday or Monday. He has them till Monday so I might just take Monday morning/afternoon to myself and go to the book store and coffee shop.

The worse thing is how hot and cold he can be. He goes from being extremely nice/friendly to pretty much ignoring me and being cold. It never last for more then a couple of days either one the last 5 weeks. I mean it is like telling me he wants to come back/loves me/and asking me to tell him that everything is going to be OK to pretty much telling me to give him space and leave him alone.

When I gave him space and pretty much limited contact he came to me asking if everything was 'OK' and why I was being so stand offish and that I seemed happy and didn't want him. He is in a fog and I just need to realize most of what comes out of his mouth right now is dizzdribble stuff.

sisters359

FW, remember that his "nice" behavior has, recently, been 100% manipulative. He is trying to wheedle and intimidate you into doing things his way. The whole "compromise" he was suggesting sounds exactly like this "If you let me deny my kids their needs, I might think about coming back to the family." WTF!!!! If you fell for that, you would not deserve to be their mom, right? "Wait, I'm going to save the family by letting their dad DEPRIVE them of the things they need??" On what planet do those two things go together? He was really being creepy then--don't ignore that. Until he builds up a decent pattern of trustworthiness, you will have to look at everything from the "bottom line" perspective: how will his request/suggestion affect my ability to support my new single-head-of-household family?" Yes, someday you will be able to assume that responsibility--but that is a few years away!

Stay strong, and remember that court-ordered payments go through PDQ and garnishment of his wages will be automatic--so do not wait to start the process. So what if he gets really pissed? He will continue to blame you when all you are doing is protecting your kids. This is not to punish him. This is not to make his life difficult. This is not about the OW. This is 100% completely and entirely about the kids and what is right for them. Do not let him get away with statements blaming you for his hardships--"No, I am not trying to ruin you. The courts are garnishing your wages because that is the formula they use. I have no more control over it than you do." And, just in case he isn't aware, the reason the courts use these formulas is that men (traditionally) have used threats of custody battles to get their wives to settle for less money than the wife really needs to support the kids on her time. This meant that the wife/kids became a burden on society--but they are HIS responsibility, and the courts do not let men get away with that (and yes, it could work the other way but most of the time, men didn't actually want their kids all that much b/c of their jobs, so they were simply trying to get the wife to agree to keep the kids more but for less $$).

Remember: you have not done anything to him. The courts make the decision based on what is realistic, given the situation. That is well beyond your control. (You do not need to mention the fact that you have no reason to wish to make his life easier; that won't help the situation, even if it is true. Besides, the courts won't LET you accept less $$ unless you can prove that is all you need-weird, huh?)

cmf

So much for making progress ..see my thread on the infidelity board.

finallyseewhy

Well I woke up and realized that H has put me in a situation I am not very happy with but guess it was going to happen. We(well I) hadn't told anyone about the separation we agreed to not to tell anyone till we figured out what we were going to do. I had not told any family and he told me he was planning on not doing the same. Well I found out he started a facebook and added the OW and some of his family so I guess it is only a matter of time when they put 2 and 2 together on why his WIFE isn't on there.

This hurts really hurts I didn't want to involve other people in this yet but now it looks like I might be forced too now.

I am seriously considering just sending him a friend request. Oh course if he denied me I would be really hurt

Neverwouldhave guessed

In my opinion, this has gone on long enough that you need to tell some important people for support and feedback. Your kids will eventually say something. You are hurting and your friends and family can help you through this however it turns out.