finallyseewhy

Your very right just the idea of him announcing it on freaking facebook 1st makes me sick. He promised we would do it a certain way. I am beginning to realize his promises me very little lately.

finallyseewhy

Well I have had no contact with him for almost 3 days and the funny thing is today I feel pretty good overall. I am going to see him tonight when he drops off the kids but that is it. This next week I know he has a pretty hectic work schedule and will be working pretty much nonstop for the next week so I imagine it will be very limited. I think deleting the number from my cell was a good thing(no easy access).

I sat down and wrote him a letter in regards of the child support/daycare. I pretty much told him that it was his responsibility and that this was the reality of the situation. That I have been a SAHM and that if he didn't pay I would have to go down to support enforcement and have them garnish his checks. That what he pays barely covers everything and if he wanted his children on welfare(which is RIDICULOUS with the amount of $$$ he makes!). It was pretty straight forward....I wasn't mean but very direct on if he didn't pay or sorted me what would happen.

I don't know if I am going to give it too him but I will say just writing it felt great. I forgot how therapeutic writing/journaling could be.

___________

Well I ended up having to text him because someone called my mom looking for him in regards to a debt(surprise surprise) It was simple I texted him told him if they called him and he said yes and told me he was taking care of it and I said OK. I kept it simple and fast. Lets just hope this evening goes as smoothly.

Affaircare

Finally~

I want you to think of a way to exchange the children that does not involve having to see him face-to-face or speak to him. For example, he can park in the driveway, open his car doors, watch them come to the front door, wave and say goodbye. He doesn't need to come into the house or talk to you to exchange the children. Sooooo...that's your assignment. How can you do the exchange so that you don't have to interact with him at all?

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

finallyseewhy

Affaircare I have been thinking about that. The first 2 weeks we pretty much had no contact with exchanging the kids it was hi/bye and he later said I was being stand offish(which I still don't understand why he cares ) The problem with that we have a very young toddler so usually have some exchange about the kids. The youngest just can't get out of the car by itself. I will say that starting next week most of the exchanges can be done with little or no contact because I am thinking of doing them mostly through the daycare.

Do you think I should give him the letter? I have a stack of other bills to give him so he will probably freak out about them.

Affaircare

No I would have as little contact with him as possible, FSW. Little or nothing that he says will be positive or grounded in reality so why submit yourself to it? Further, he's not retarded so he knows that he can either pay the child support voluntarily or be garnished. Giving him the letter would most likely only be a Love Extinguisher (like judging him disrespectfully) that leads to more Extinguishers (like angry explosions). Thus I say put the bills in a big envelope, go get the baby, hand him the envelope, don't talk to him, and if he says "hey why you being so cold?" just say what I told discarded, "Are you ready to devote ALL of your affection and loyalty to your wife? You're not? Okay, contact me when you're ready to commit to that. Bye." ...smile and turn and walk away.

Seriously, every other thing out of his mouth is just dizziness and blame anyway so why go there?

***************

P.S. When you hand him the bills, don't let him yell and scream at you. Just hand them to him calmly and keep repeating, "It is not my responsibility. Since you've chosen to leave, these are the consequences of your own choices. I won't take ownership of your choices. I wish you well taking care of these."

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

finallyseewhy

I am so ashamed of what happen tonight I feel stupid even writing what happen but I need too

H texted me that he had a 'new' proposal for me with the child support pretty much he wants to drop it because he is making less then what he did last year(we went off his 08' return and not current paystubs) I listened to him and I hate to admit it but we pretty much agreed to 25% of his paycheck and him paying 100% of the daycare and I get 25% of any overtime/holiday pay. I looked and I am actually still coming out ahead.

Now to why I am ashamed.....

We got to talking and it went down to where we were standing and he pretty much told me that I have hurt him too much over the past 2-3 years. That I have made him feel very unloved and he resented me for it. I have done this I have not been a good wife. He told me that he feels too much damage has been done and he just cant go back to fighting with me. That I have hurt him too much. I told him that I think we could be happy and I would never ask him to go back to the way it was. I then asked him if he wanted a divorce and he sort of scooted around the issue and then told me that he didnt want to get a lawyer but he didnt think it could be helped.

I then told him I wouldn't sign off on a divorce yet because I felt we could fix it and be happy again and I would not sign off on a divorce until we had exhausted every avenue. He then told me I couldn't force him to stay married and I told him that I could not. I then said I would not contest a divorce if I felt it was truly over and we couldn't work on it.

He then told me I am not listening to his feelings and that he needs to just live and have space. That I have hurt him so much. I then asked him if he just wanted me to get the papers or if he wanted to wait a few months. He then told me he would be willing to wait a few months to see what happens(but he almost seemed so-so about it) I told him I would give him time to think.

Then he came over and hugged and kissed me and told me it would be 'OK' and we started to mess around but we did NOT have sex just heavy petting ect.

It was not a fight. In fact it was probably the most civil and calm conversation we have had since he left 5 weeks ago. I feel like I might really of lost him this time. I think he might really be done and I dont know how to feel about all of it. Part of me thinks I might of made some head room and part of me thinks I might of taken a huge step backwards again.

I have also realized I have NO self control around him I am way to wrapped up. I think I realized I have to go no/little contact. If not to just give him time to think but also to save myself.

Affaircare

I'm only going to comment on one part right now, okay FSW? You and your husband are married. The only morally legitimate sexual outlet for either of you is in the marriage.

My only concern would be that you can not be certain that is the only outlet to which he is availing himself!

Thus it makes complete sense to me that you get carried away a little with him. He is your husband; he is the person to whom you committed to faithfully meet his sexual needs and he yours; and you are a sexual woman and a human being. DUH!

Anyways no worries lady. So you're weak in the knees for your own husband--I don't really see how that's a fault. Seriously! I would just suggest reading up on safe sex and insisting on... well medical safety unless or until, you know? Otherwise to my mind what happens between you two is your business and between a married couple. No ink is dry yet, is it?

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!

finallyseewhy

Affaircare thanks I just felt so silly I seriously just wanted to jump on him but we pretty much got interrupted by one of the kids and part of me is glad we did. I am still very attractive to him and I have needs.... Also like I said before I just WONT have sex with someone who I don't know for sure is only having sex with just me. I wont put myself at that risk.

It was very surreal this was the 1st time I realized I might of just lost him for good and it was a very calming panicky feeling.

sisters359

I had that same feeling of calm panic--weird, isn't it--the moment it hit bem that I could not remain married to my ex. I think the "calm" is b/c one issue is resolved (there is no going back). The panic is about the future, the unknown. I remember thinking, too, how can I feel so calm when I am so scared? But it was empowering--to know I could face the unknown without falling apart. I hope you feel that way, too.

finallyseewhy

Sisters I think you just hit the nail on the head. It was a very very strange feeling. It was almost relieving. I was/am terrified but I know what ever happens I can do it. I will be OK.

turnera

fsw, I just wanted to point out that his conversation with you, as you describe it, is 100% about HIM.

When you are feeling weak, try to remember that he is making NO effort to care about anyone but himself. That's not the husband you want back. Until he starts talking about how much pain YOU have been in, he's manipulating you.

So...have you told anyone yet? IMO you are missing a KEY component of recovering from an affair - exposing it so that he can no longer pretend to everyone that he is a victim and not a perpetrator. The only way you can get your marriage back is if OW is gone. That will never happen unless the affair dissolves. The best way for that to happen is if people know about it and DISAPPROVE of him for it. Please think about it.

The wishy-washy limbo you are in cannot end well, if the affair doesn't stop. For now, he has no reason to stop it. He can come back because of money, but that will not remove the issue of an affair being a great escape for him, in the future. He needs to understand the consequences of the AFFAIR, not just those of moving out.

finallyseewhy

Turnera your very very right and the last 2 days I have really realized how much it is ALL about him in an almost disturbing way

I guess my me wanting our family back together and being willing to do anything to do that almost is back firing on me. I guess me willing to 'prove' to him that I can make him happy is being used against me as a manipulative tool.....very sad.

I have not told anyone and it has been almost 6 weeks since he left. I guess part of me was hoping he would just come back and I wouldn't have too. A bigger part of me was ashamed my marriage was failing and others may find out. I have never been someone that told people we were having any troubles. We lived up to the 'prefect' family very very well. But I feel extremely alone right now and really need to tell someone so I am going to have to take the leap.

2Daughters

Once you prove to yourself that you can and will be able to live without him, you will feel better because no matter what he does, you will already be stablized..and it's all about getting our emotions in check.

finallyseewhy

Your right this was something I have thought a lot about today. Once I am up and running with a job I will be 'OK' and not have to worry so much about that.

The last 2 days have just been very strange and I am actually probably more in limbo then I was before. He is confused and so am I and I think both of us are very scared.

2Daughters

I hate 'limbo'..I was in it deeply, crawled out and thought I was free of it, but last few days I have crept back in it inspite of trying not too..I wonder if our kids might be keeping that 'limbo' feeling floating out there?