I am so ashamed of what happen tonight I feel stupid even writing what happen but I need too
H texted me that he had a 'new' proposal for me with the child support pretty much he wants to drop it because he is making less then what he did last year(we went off his 08' return and not current paystubs) I listened to him and I hate to admit it but we pretty much agreed to 25% of his paycheck and him paying 100% of the daycare and I get 25% of any overtime/holiday pay. I looked and I am actually still coming out ahead.
Now to why I am ashamed.....
We got to talking and it went down to where we were standing and he pretty much told me that I have hurt him too much over the past 2-3 years. That I have made him feel very unloved and he resented me for it. I have done this I have not been a good wife. He told me that he feels too much damage has been done and he just cant go back to fighting with me. That I have hurt him too much. I told him that I think we could be happy and I would never ask him to go back to the way it was. I then asked him if he wanted a divorce and he sort of scooted around the issue and then told me that he didnt want to get a lawyer but he didnt think it could be helped.
I then told him I wouldn't sign off on a divorce yet because I felt we could fix it and be happy again and I would not sign off on a divorce until we had exhausted every avenue. He then told me I couldn't force him to stay married and I told him that I could not. I then said I would not contest a divorce if I felt it was truly over and we couldn't work on it.
He then told me I am not listening to his feelings and that he needs to just live and have space. That I have hurt him so much. I then asked him if he just wanted me to get the papers or if he wanted to wait a few months. He then told me he would be willing to wait a few months to see what happens(but he almost seemed so-so about it) I told him I would give him time to think.
Then he came over and hugged and kissed me and told me it would be 'OK' and we started to mess around but we did NOT have sex just heavy petting ect.
It was not a fight. In fact it was probably the most civil and calm conversation we have had since he left 5 weeks ago. I feel like I might really of lost him this time. I think he might really be done and I dont know how to feel about all of it. Part of me thinks I might of made some head room and part of me thinks I might of taken a huge step backwards again.
I have also realized I have NO self control around him I am way to wrapped up. I think I realized I have to go no/little contact. If not to just give him time to think but also to save myself.