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Originally Posted by finallyseewhy  I am going to talk to her today I don't know if she will talk to him but it is worth a shot  |
Hey FSW--when a loyal spouse is doing C-D-E (Confront-Disclose-Expose) usually the first thing we recommend is asking your spouse directly to end the EA and honor their commitment to the marriage (confront); then pick one person such as a mentor, parent, pastor--someone who the disloyal would look up to or consider highly. The point is to speak to one other person who is likely to have a significant impact on your disloyal and talk to them on behalf of the marriage. Now in your instance, I do believe it is time to let your family know--even if it's just to inform them that it's occurring. I know you feel somewhat embarrassed to tell your family that your marriage is having trouble (I'll be honest--I felt that way too), but if you tell them, they can support you and encourage you! And when/if they do run into your disloyal, they can tell him "Hey what the heck man?"
But in your instance there is ONE person who could really end this thing and end it fast--and that's the OW. You yourself have said that it's an EA and pretty one-sided at that. Well your disloyal CLEARLY is willing to high-tail it and leave everything for someone who may or may not even have an interest in him! I think one way to end this affair--and quickly--would be for you to call the OW directly and tell her that he has left his children and his wife and part of his reasoning is because he has a crush on her! Let her know that you love him, that you don't intend to just give up, and that you will fight for your marriage! Honestly? She may very well end the EA right then and there by telling him "Hey I don't want to get involved with some married guy and his wife."
I personally would recommend calling her (if you have the courage and the phone number). If she can/will end it--darn let her kill the affair! And if she won't, then I would suggest calling your parents and siblings, their work, OW's husband, and if they don't know already his parents and siblings. There is no guarantee anyone will do anything to stop it, but it won't be this wonderful, secret romantic rendevous anymore. (And by the way--yep he will be mad. Your marriage can survive anger, but it can not survive an affair. The goal is not to be a doormat or avoid anger. Okay?)
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Something is going on and I DONT know what it is but something is happening. Last night we texted off and on and he said something about how we were still broken and he was having reservations about us. Then he said it needed to be fixed to a text he sent and I asked him if meant our marriage or him becoming unmarried. He texted me back 'my control issues' I told him that I was working on it and making progress(it is a serious issue with me) But it also make me realized he really believes it is ALL my fault and am the only one that needs to change.
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And before you reconcile or let him move back home, it is FUNDAMENTAL that he admit to himself and you where HE went wrong, that he make the effort to work on himself (like looking up counselors and actually going and doing the homework), and that he consistently demonstrate the changes he's made by his behavior!! FSW, if he doesn't see his side of the "brokenness" and does nothing to fix it, then nothing will change and it will all happen again. I know you very badly want him to come home and be happily married again, but "the way it was before" is part of what contributed to the affair that's happening now. So he also has to do some changing or you will pay with a lot of emotional pain.
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This morning he texted me something sort of strange and for some reason I was uneasy so I looked at the account that my name is still on that he uses. He did not pay for his full amount of his hotel and there were a couple of other charges that sort of got me thinking. I am not sure whats going on but I imagine I will find out sooner then later |
Just a quick NOTE TO SELF, FSW--how EXACTLY does this fit in with your current Plan A--Carrot & Stick and with your working on your controlling behavior? Being controlling is manipulating the situation so that it turns out the way you want. Soooo...in Plan A--Carrot & Stick a person works on their own personality issues and ends all Love Extinguishers...right? So that they are showing the disloyal how it could be good "at home" (but also just to be a better person, wife, and mother). How does what you're doing fit that plan? And in Plan A--Carrot & Stick a person allows their disloyal to endure the effects of their choices...does not stand in the way and enable their bad choices, but rather stands aside and lets them reap the benefits of good choices and the reap the losses and misfortunes of bad choices. Again, how does what you're doing fit that plan?
Please keep reminding yourself that your goal--your MAIN FOCUS--is you, and not him. Not what he's doing, who he's doing it with, where he's doing it, why or how he's paying for it. Your sights should be set on YOU and making you the woman you can be. Apply for a good job for which you are qualified. Look for self-help books on control. Practice the new, non-controlling behaviors and then when they don't go perfectly--reflect one how to change it to do it better. Go to a parenting class for kids who's parents are separated--learn how to give them the emotional tools to deal with this. And don't stay at home stewing on things. If you have free time, go volunteer. Pick a charity in which you passionately believe and offer your time. You can be a volunteer mediator, help with office work at a women's shelter, walk stray dogs, feed the homeless, or train to be on your local rape crisis hotline! See how all those things make YOU a better person? And if he chooses to wallow, let him and don't worry about it. He'll either figure it out or not. Meanwhile keep your focus on what YOU are doing (not him).
Re: I want you to tell me you love me so I can tell you I don't 
..and think about all the things you'll do once you get one..I know it sucks right now feeling like your stuck in the same dream because your living in the house..but it'll get better because you've already out it in your head that once you start working it'll get better.
...I know it's a 'cliche' but time only heals if during that time we are taking care of ourselves and NOT wondering every move our spouse makes, and even if we do wonder, not reacting to it..time means nothing, if all we do is react to them during that time.
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at 
