finallyseewhy

With every day of this separation I am learning/seeing new things from H and honestly it makes me so ****ing sad & disgusted. The last 2 days a lot has been said and pretty much everything on the table. It was not a fight or even a argument and was a pretty blunt and positive discussion.

To say the least things went to a place they shouldn't and this was how we started talking. Pretty much he started asking me if I still loved him and why I seemed so stand offish and a bunch of other things that almost made me feel like he missed meWell I feel for the bait and told him I did miss him/loved him that I wasn't trying to come off as stand offish I was just having the kids ready when he came over or get them from the car so he didn't have to get out....I was trying to help and make it easier. Well as we were talking he kept asking me how I had changed and how I seemed so happy and if I missed him ect. Pretty much EVERYTHING and ANYTHING you can imagine a person would be saying if they missed you tooWell then he ask me to tell him that I love him as he is holding me.

THEN he tells me he doesn't love me anymoreand just can't live with me but wishes I could work something out with him when it comes to $$$ to make it easier for him!!!

Then he goes the conversation goes on and he makes the comment, 'I know I could come back and have you if I wanted'Well I look him right in the eye and say, 'Your pretty sure of yourself aren't you?? Your being extremely ****y and I don't think you KNOW what you could do!' Then with a very confusing look he says well I thought you wanted me back and I told him that I wanted the old him back but he had shown me a side of him the last few months that has been horrible and that I wont go back to living the way I was with him. That I had always put him up on a pedestal and built him up to be this amazing person and I guess the higher up the pedestal the harder they fall.

I had thought he was manipulating me for the last few weeks and I got all the confirmation I have needed. I told him I had forgiven him for everything he had done to me but I was doing that for MYSELF because I wont sit here and be mad at him....it is not worth it for me. I think it is just freaking lovely he completely betrays me with another OW or a friend as he calls it and he thinks the ball is in his ****ing court....well I guess it was I was willing to fight for him and this family and he just doesn't give a ****!

I told him that if he wanted to run around and thought he could never love me again he needed to file for divorce and let me go. Then he sort of snorted and said he couldn't afford it and thought I wanted to stay on his insurance. Well sorry hunny the self respect is worth to much for that.

I wanted desperately for this family to work I was willing to do pretty much ANYTHING but honestly how much am I suppose to take

What is wrong with him?? I feel like I let myself become a victim in all of this and never again I don't understand where all this ugliness is coming from with him. I know he says he isn't trying/wanting to hurt me but I really am having a hard time believing that. I have not been mean if anything I have been calm/polite/sweet and with that I almost feel like I am getting screwed because of that.

cmf

I FEEL THE EXACT SAME WAY! They have to be angry with us to keep doing what they are doing

finallyseewhy

It has to be something because I am sorry this is NOT OK. If anything it is just plain mean. I pity him that he has all this anger I really do.

finallyseewhy

I have a question do you think I should keep doing what I am doing....well the nice/calm/polite part or should I seriously just limit all contact with him all together?

finallyseewhy

If Affaircare is around I would love her feedback

cmf

me too..

finallyseewhy

cmf I always in enjoy her post she always seems so clear and too the point

2Daughters

must be something in the water!!

Neverwouldhave guessed

Good Lord...sounds exactly like my husband and I. The whole "ball in his court" thing and me being polite, etc. I want to look at my two teenagers down the road and be able to say I did EVERYTHING I could, but there are times this seems ridiculous!!! I have admitted my fault in the marriage, etc. But he moved out, had the affair and shows no signs of regret or humility (GAG!) I know him well enough that I wouldn't be surprised if he now just wants to move back in a month or two and pretend the whole thing didn't happen (9 months separated; 3 since I walked in on the girlfriend alone in his apartment.) He is mad I got a legal separation - crap HE raided bank accounts, etc.(through the judge I got my half back.) Good man underneath, but the evil twin makes me sick!! I see everything so much clearer and really question if the marriage can be saved. I am sitting still since I have the house (mortgage free), the better part of his paycheck and health insurance for now. Lawyer, counselor, etc. all say to stay put and play nice until I am sure I want the divorce. He is in a major midlife crisis/affair fog that I have to weather, as well. There are many days I'd rather say "ENOUGH ALREADY", but I need to be sure. Thankfully, I live in a state that takes this seriously (filed under separation AND adultery), and the judge has restrained him from anymore "sleepovers."

finallyseewhy

Yep, that pretty much sounds like me other then the bank accounts because he knew better then to do that. I have pretty much everything and he is struggling right now and is really trying to make me feel guilty for it.

I am like you when it comes to my children. I can say I fought and was willing to forgive and move on and do everything needed to keep this a family and he wasn't. I sleep at night and can look myself in the mirror because of that.

Neverwouldhave guessed

Mine knew better than to mess with the bank accounts..he is an accountant for goodness sakes! I think he thought I was going to get to them first (I was pretty crazy in the first few days after discovering the girlfriend.) I feel SO MUCH better now. I know I can survive with or without him, and he sees me doing just fine on my own - lost a good bit of weight, wear nicer clothes, new hairstyle and am just plain happier (many people have noticed that one!) than I have been in a long time. He is 54, I am 49, and the OW is 36!! She has no education, does not have custody of her own child and is just plain icky! The affair (I think it has ended, as he knows my lawyer will file contempt of court since he is restrained from this stuff) was about sex and someone telling him how wonderful he is. Anyway, so much better to finally feel in control of my emotions, etc. and make a strategic effort to see if we can save our marriage. He has to want this as well, and I need to SEE the actions. I, too, don't get the ugliness. However, it doesn't get to me as much as it used to. Just part of the "script." One day at a time....

sisters359

Why should you put up with any of the ugliness? Be business-like--no more. If anything starts to go south in a conversation, you stop it right then--interrupt even, with "excuse me, but. . ." talk over him if he keeps talking, and flat out refuse to speak with him--just say you will be pleased to continue the conversation when he is in a more appropriate frame of mind, and then hang up/walk out, whatever. DO NOT give him time to respond and defend himself or escalate or even apologize (which, of course, is unlikely). He must learn he cannot treat you--wife, ex-wife, doesn't matter--with disrespect.

I'm amazed at how many people seem to have trouble just hanging up on someone. I have a mentally-ill relative so it happens a lot--and she "gets it." Not at the time, of course, but soon enough thereafter. I would keep a 24 hour rule in place, too, meaning you won't take a call or open an email sent in less than 24 hours from when you tell him the conversation is over.

You resume by saying, where were we? as though the interruption was brief and insignificant in your life. Then, proceed to "conduct business." You decide the terms on which conversations about anything else might take place--in counseling together, perhaps? Until he can treat you as you deserve to be treated, he has no other access to any part of you but the businesswoman side, except in counseling, for example. He'll either learn or not, and that will be your sign on what to do next.

Business calls are about exchanging kids, money matters/home maintenance kinds of things--nothing else. No discussions of "how are you," "what are you thinking/feeling," "where do you think things are going?" Not even, "hey, I saw a movie you'd like . . ." Keep it very professional and redirect him to that if necessary, saying "We are discussing plans for Junior's birthday. . ." Again, if he goes off track a second time in a conversation, you are done, "I see you cannot stick to the business at hand. Let's try again tomorrow. I'll call you. Good bye." Then hang up/walk out. Don't let him come into the house, for this reason--you don't want to have to leave your own place if you can help it. Public places or his place, where you can just walk out. Meet him outside at your house, so you can walk inside and leave him outside if necessary.

Remember, this is about being treated respectfully, not "teaching him a lesson" or anything else. It's about you and your right to be treated properly by everyone in your life. Good luck.

finallyseewhy

Sisters you are right about all of it. I just want to be treated with respect. I feel so weak and powerless and this is all new to me....I was never like this before. I feel like if I 'slip up' or make a wrong move then I will screw everything up. I just hate feeling this way

finallyseewhy

Sisters you are right about all of it. I just want to be treated with respect. I feel so weak and powerless and this is all new to me....I was never like this before. I feel like if I 'slip up' or make a wrong move then I will screw everything up. I just hate feeling this way

finallyseewhy

Well H came over to drop off the kids and I could just tell by the look on his face something was up. He keep starring at me and smiling and almost had a dumb lost puppy look on his face. He got out of the car to pet the cat and came inside. We had a pleasant conversation about the kids. He then invited me to come to our kids game with him and I sort of changed the subject.

Well when he was leaving he grabbed me and hugged me and told me he missed me sometimes but just couldn't live with me right now. I hugged him back but didn't say anything.

I wanted to say....maybe someday or I know but I didn't. Probably because I just didn't even know what to say. I can't put myself out there yet again to get hurt by him.

I am pretty sure him seeing me happy is somewhat effecting him and he is noticing I am changing. I feel stronger then I ever have. Its strange how you can be so weak and emotionally beat but then be strong too.