BullyKisses

What is so difficult to understand about a separation ?
I have been very clear that I needed time and space to think, that I cannot live under the same roof or be in the same physical space as him without being too upset to cope with life due to his actions and betrayals.
My counselor had to have him sign a contract agreeing to separation rather than divorce, so although he was extremely angry and thought it unfair that he should have to leave the comfort of his home, he ultimately agreed and signed.
He still will not give me any space to think though, he has been calling, texting, emailing, bringing flowers, telling me repeatedly what he is doing and how he feels and begging for couples counseling and to work it out. I have told him that I think we should focus on our individual counseling first and get our heads straight before we embark on yet another run of couples therapy. I just dont see how rushing and sweeping things under the rug once again will benefit us in the long term, but he seems hell bent on getting back in the house and garnering my forgiveness asap as he always has and then repeating the cycle of emotional abuse. This behavior gives me little hope that he is taking things seriously or is willing to address his narcissictic and borderline traits which are the underlying cause of 12 years of issues. I want the time to see my counselor and work on my co-dependant issues and self esteem so that I can create stability in my and my childrens lives.

Any thoughts on how to get through to this immature, selfish, narcissistic ?
Perhaps it just isnt possible but my health and wellbeing is suffering from the stress. And I still feel guilty and responsible for his feelings even though I know I should not.

InAPickle

Put your fut down and keep it there! Do not give in and keep reminding yourself that the only person whose feelings you are responsible for are your own! If you have to write it on your hand, on the mirror, on a piece of paper that you tape onto your steering wheel, do it!

For you to take on his mental well being only feeds his narcissism and makes it stronger. Use that energy to focus on YOU! Don't allow yourself to be harassed back into living together. Break the cycle.

Affaircare

Sure! Turn off your cell, take the phone off the hook, and delete his emails. If that doesn't work, change your phone number, get a new cell phone and company, change your email, and change the locks on your door. I do realize that telling all your family and friends the new landline number or cellphone number would be mildly inconvenient, as it would be to change your email. But in the long run, it will end his continuous attempts at contact and begin the disentanglement process.

Since it sounds like a situation where some controlling abusive behavior is being exerted, I will caution you that this is very typical behavior for someone who was the abuser. He can and will do *ANYTHING* to get you back into the cycle of abuse...including making promises, threats, and more. So for now, keep yourself focused on yourself and your issues, and if you keep yourself on that track you'll be doing fine. If you stay on track, he may escalate to physical violence or threats to "get you to reconcile" and if he does that you do have the option of protective orders/restraining orders, but I'll be honest. Often women use those as a "legal weapon" and not as the protection they are supposed to provide. I EXTREMELY STRONGLY advise against that!!!! It is a weapon of last resort only--long before that you should turn off our phone (I mean..take it off the hook) and don't open his emails (just delete them); then if you have to do it--change your number and your email address; and finally if you have no other options check with your counselor to see if the time is right for the last resort.

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

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turnera

I agree. This is on YOU.

YOU have to change your phone number and email. YOU have to put a new lock on the door. YOU have to stop allowing contact. It's hard, but you will be glad you did.