Actually being happier and appearing happier are two different things. I have spoken to spouses that were happier because their loved one's suffering was over.
This.
My experience with many of the older couples in my life that have lost their SO due to death - is that , while they might appear happy, they are in reality lost and devastated without them. These are all couples that were married ~50 years and strongly committed to each other. In each case the one that was left was actually looking forward to passing themselves so that they could be with their SO again... while they appear to try and move on - taking care of other family members or unfinished business - I could tell their heart was just... gone... and they were just going through the motions. For me watching it was both heartbreaking and inspirational at the same time. That is the kind of relationship I have always wanted and despair of ever finding. Not co-dependency, a true partnership that is greater than the sum of it's parts. It takes a commitment and integrity that was common in the past, but is sadly lacking today.
As for Hiking's original query and Conrad's point - He is saying you can't keep dreaming of R. That defeats the whole purpose of the 180 and keeps you stuck in limbo. You have to let go (or wake up in his analogy)... then they might come back, or they might not. Either way your head will be clear for the first time in god knows how long and you will be able to make a truly rational decision. The most common being that you don't know what you were thinking wanting R to begin with.
This.
Either way your head will be clear for the first time in god knows how long and you will be able to make a truly rational decision. The most common being that you don't know what you were thinking wanting R to begin with.
When I first joined here, I saw a lot of people posting something alluding to the above statement.
I literally couldn't believe it. "No way, that won't be me. I want to R, I love my wife more than anything in the world."
But.... I was wrong. It's extremely common for the left behind spouse to feel this way after some time has passed.
The dividing line is usually whether she wants to continue having sex with you or not.
You're right, as always Conrad.
I'm actually pleased that the frequency/quality of sex tailed off as our relationship plummeted in to the metaphoric abyss. It allowed me at least a small measure of emotional/physical detachment before she dropped the bomb.
I can remember the last time I was with XH in that respect- he literally didn't want to be there. Biggest Red Flag on reflection.
You thought I'd learned my lesson? No because I remember the last time I had sex with my first long term partner- and again it was a case of him not wanting to do it. I picked up on that and swore that if I came across that again I'd know.
I feel compassion for left-behind spouses who still hope for some sort of R after 6-12 months.
If she hasn't come back and thrown herself at you by then, it's clear your efforts at re-establishing (or simply establishing) sexual attraction aren't going to bear fruit during the current impasse.
I feel compassion for left-behind spouses who still hope for some sort of R after 6-12 months.
If she hasn't come back and thrown herself at you by then, it's clear your efforts at re-establishing (or simply establishing) sexual attraction aren't going to bear fruit during the current impasse.
To me, that's a game changer.
ONEitis.
I think left-behind spouses should have a small window of hoping for R - It's only natural anyway. But after a while, you need to refocus that energy on you, and then when you're ready, new prospects.
I feel compassion for left-behind spouses who still hope for some sort of R after 6-12 months.
If she hasn't come back and thrown herself at you by then, it's clear your efforts at re-establishing (or simply establishing) sexual attraction aren't going to bear fruit during the current impasse.
To me, that's a game changer.
This makes sense to me. My WH has no interest in having sex with me anymore. A kiss hello and good-bye is the extent of anything tactile.
My WH and I have been involved in a pathetic, dysfunctional on-again-off-again relationship for over 4 years. (I know longer say "marraige")
Yes, I know I'm a fool and an idiot. I know we BOTH have issues.
During the past 4.5 years, we have lived under the same roof for about 2
Each time we reach a point of moving forward with a divorce, HE changes his mind. He has stopped proceedings 3 times.
I can't seem to pull the plug although I am feeling more and more that maybe I could.
We are clearly dependent on each other and something is holding us together although with 4 years of IC and MC, no therapist/shrink can get to the core.
I feel compassion for left-behind spouses who still hope for some sort of R after 6-12 months.
If she hasn't come back and thrown herself at you by then, it's clear your efforts at re-establishing (or simply establishing) sexual attraction aren't going to bear fruit during the current impasse.
To me, that's a game changer.
Doesn't it take longer for the affair fog to be lifted in some cases?
Doesn't it take longer for the affair fog to be lifted in some cases?
Yes... I should have clarified.... that's if she isn't involved with anyone.
The rule of thumb is while the affair fog may break and attraction for the betrayed spouse "may" resurface, the appearance of posOM2 means she's truly done - this time it's no accident.
Yes... I should have clarified.... that's if she isn't involved with anyone.
The rule of thumb is while the affair fog may break and attraction for the betrayed spouse "may" resurface, the appearance of posOM2 means she's truly done - this time it's no accident.
Chip brings up a valid point.
But in the meantime, for the men especially... Probability will only improve if you put in the work:
Physically
Mentally
Even Spiritualy
Don't stay stuck. Improve.
When you do and its time to make a decsion: you will hold all of the cards. And guess what... you might even take a pass.
Doesn't always work out that way, but if you scored him/her being YOU... What can you attain being a much better version of you? Posted via Mobile Device
Everyone talks about how their spouse sees them doing better and that's what makes them second-guess and come back. In my situation, it was a long distance relationship and we just went back and forth. Because of that we have a ton of amazing memories because we always cherished the times together.
I have decided that I want her back, and would accept her if she came pleaded because we have already moved past the EA and she opened up and even quit her job to be away from him. How will she ever see how I'm doing if I'm on the other side of the world?
Zildjian, maybe a long distance relationship (LDR) is not working for one or both of you.
I recommend you take care of yourself and take this break in your relationship as a time to get yourself where YOU want to be - for YOU. Not as a mechanism for attracting your lost relationship partner. Are you going to settle for someone who strayed on you? Was she remembering all of the great memories and things while she was investing her time and energies into some other dude?
Zildjian, maybe a long distance relationship (LDR) is not working for one or both of you.
I recommend you take care of yourself and take this break in your relationship as a time to get yourself where YOU want to be - for YOU. Not as a mechanism for attracting your lost relationship partner. Are you going to settle for someone who strayed on you? Was she remembering all of the great memories and things while she was investing her time and energies into some other dude?
Thanks a lot for your reply! It's unfortunate, because we were so close to be past the long distance phase. the entire relationship we were looking forward to finishing our studies so we could get engaged and start our life in canada. she was so certain about coming here.. she left notes, and she made a video diary for herself why she was here telling herself that she wanted to marry me and live in canada etc... because we both know that distance could cause problems and 7 months was going to be the longest time we had ever spent apart. that turned out to be true, and the 7 months put a lot of strain on us.. in addition to a skype connection that simply wouldnt work in september and october. this is why its such a shame.. people say that if she really loved me, this wouldnt have happened.. but lets be honest, subject any relationship to that level of stress and things willl go bad. there was times that i would hit redial more than 15 times in half an hour, and when youre trying to have a serious talk, or any talk for that matter, no matter how in love you are, it makes it unbearable - day in, day out. i just wish we could have made it a little longer. we're less than a week from my original departure date. we did fine all along, until now.. and then i go there, and its magical again..just amazing.. and then i leave, and we comeback to internetand its issues.. sorry for venting so long.. its just that we DID it, and it worked, until 2 months away from the end of the distance.. maybe she got cold feet because of the engagement on the horizon and the simple reality that she would be leaving brazil for every.
75Likes
Re: They all come back 
This.
