My wife is coming over today with her dad to visit the dogs. This is the first time since she asked for the divorce that we will be in the same room, or have talked in person, I haven't heard her voice in weeks, other than teh message when she told me she hates me.
I don't know how to feel. I am nervous because I don't know what is going to be said when she is here. I am excited to just see her, I miss her so much. I am scared to see her because I miss her so much.
I am scared because she doesn't know, that I know about the affair, how am I going to keep my cool?
My attorney and counselor tell me not to say anything to her about it to avoid confrontation, but emotionally it feels so wrong.
Has anyone else had to bite their tongue like this? Did it make things better or worse for you?
Should I just pack it in and call it a day? We don't have kids, so we don't have to talk.
My wife is coming over today with her dad to visit the dogs. This is the first time since she asked for the divorce that we will be in the same room, or have talked in person, I haven't heard her voice in weeks, other than teh message when she told me she hates me.
I don't know how to feel. I am nervous because I don't know what is going to be said when she is here. I am excited to just see her, I miss her so much. I am scared to see her because I miss her so much.
I am scared because she doesn't know, that I know about the affair, how am I going to keep my cool?
My attorney and counselor tell me not to say anything to her about it to avoid confrontation, but emotionally it feels so wrong.
Has anyone else had to bite their tongue like this? Did it make things better or worse for you?
Should I just pack it in and call it a day? We don't have kids, so we don't have to talk.
My STBX came to see the dogs today and ended up clearing all of her clothes out of the closet and dresser. She took all of her stuff out of the bathroom as well. I guess this is completely real, she is gone.
My father in law and I talked in the living room while she was packing her things, it was really sad. I really enjoy his company. I told him thank you for being here with us and he said it wasn't a problem. We tried talked a little about what was happening and he just couldn't say much. My SBTX isn't telling him much and he is worried. She has no plans, won't address anything with me or her family, we are all at a loss.
She was crying when she arrived and when she left, the hurtful thing is it had nothing to do with me or our marriage, but he missing the dogs. I know it is tough on her being away from them. Especially, the dog she had when we met, which really has become my dog as time has passed.
I was hoping that she would start coming out of the haze she has been in, but I have realized that she isn't anywhere close to it. So, I am going to try and pick up all the pieces of my heart and work on me again.
I am going to start back at the gym tomorrow, and stop avoiding being around people, get back into the world.
I hope we both find the strength to get through all of this and move onto healthy lives with or without each other.
Bob - Very sorry to hear that it's not working out. This last trip your wife made to the house is normal (all the crying an such). Right now, focus on yourself - excellent choice in going back to the gym - I did the same and also ran a half marathon - best choice I made in the last 6 months!!!
Bravo Bob !!! It is a good thing you are doing by starting to start again! Go to the gym and get active, take a walk with the dogs, get out of your self and your own head a little more every day and say hello; how are you to someone new (and mean it, look up some new recipes for chicken, try them and then invite someone else over to try them ( make three versions and have them rate them with you; And so what if you aren't Emril; plan something you have always wanted to do but weren't able to because she a) didn't like that b) wouldn't be caught dead there c) couldn't believe you would spend time or money on doing that...!
it might help a little to start packing a little for your move, when my H moved out and took his things the gaps were hard to ignore but I was moving out and moving onto something different as well so I started packing, just a small box or two...I took the time to sort and label the things that were the most important that I was taking with me, the things I was going to have to think about a little more before making a decision and the things I had already decided I could get rid of and live without...just one box or two at a time; you don't have to pack up or move on from an entire life all at once but first pick one thing that is you, that defines you and redefines you that you will always take with you where ever you go in life and set it aside along with a box that other like-minded things will go in...and put something you are sure of in the box every day and when the box is full, set up another one...along the way you will probably find a lot of things that are definitely NOT going in that box...and set up a box for those too...
Just one day at a time, one step at a time, find yourself a goal, something to look forward to and walk slowly deliberately toward it...brighter days and more peaceful nights ARE ahead!
Thanks for the support and kind words. I would like to report that I made it to the gym today, may have to go later this evening.
Met my couselor today, worked, told a few more people, and started reading, "The Good Karma Divorce". Today was looking to be the first day in weeks that felt normal. I could be me, not jealous, self loathing, bitter, or sad. I was getting ready to head to the gym, when I got the email the STBX.
Her email detailed the things that she wanted out of the divorce. The email started out fine, I felt like we could get through it keep cost down, and start the rest of our lives. Well suffice it to say the email took a turn for the worse, she informed my that she wanted all three dogs, but would give one up, if I were cruel enough to split them.
She then let me know that she would not claim any of our debts, and her care would be given to me since she does not want to pay for it.
All fine in a perfect world, but we don't, and I am not rich. I let her know how I felt, about the issues and what I was willing to accept if I got the dog I wanted, and then it would be fair in my eyes.
She then attacked my work, schedule, and the home I could provide for the dog or dogs.
In doing so I realized that she has not been paying attentino to my or our future for the last 4 months. Once, I (once we) are in our new city my travelling will go from 1-2 weeks straight to 2-3 days every two weeks. I am moving to a hub city, cheaper flights, more options, two airports, from a single small airport.
I don't work night like her, I don't go out drinking like her, I am home body, and take my dog with me everywhere.
I now know that there is no way to do this without both of having attorneys, is living in a fantasy land.
She has forgotten the $2000.00 a month while she was in grad school, her never using her earnings to help with the house or cars, dog care. I just kept working and trying to provide to a fault.
Here's her getting a clue and me getting to the gym tomorrow.
It is weird, I just was on the phone with a friend of a friend who is going through the same thing I am right now. Her husband left her a few months ago. What is weird is we know each other, but don't really know each other, yet I was confortable talking to her about my situation.
What we both agreed it was nice talking to someone going through the same thing at the same time, for we both felt like burdens to our friends and family. We both thought we were gloomy Gus'.
Does anyone else feel like a burden to family or friends? Is that natural?
I am really sad for my STBX, for she has dumpedall of my family and friends off of her face book page. All these people are here for her, noone has chosen sides, my family loves her. She has completely lost it. It is so sad.
bob, i seem to be in the first stages of what your going through. my wife left me 4 weeks ago(see my thread). I just want to let you know I've read your thread and it's helped me out. I'm too new to this to give real advice but I do know my dogs(3) are playing a role in our separation. I can relate. stay strong bro. facebook is evil to marriages IMHO.
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this as well, like I have said before, noone deserves to feel the pain we are all going through. I wish I could say I knew where it is all heading, but I don't everyday brings a new feeling.
I had a lot of bad dreams last night, several about her losing all of the people that care about her. I know that will never really happen, but she is hanging out with the wrong people these days.
Hang in there, take everyone's advice, start protecting youself. As far as the dogs get them with you as soon as possible, if you are living seperately. That is the only thing going for me at this time.
Today was amother decent day, didn't get to the gym this afternoon, but felt good non-the-less.
Could be that STBX has gone on one of her blakcouts again, start communication with me and stop when she doesn't get the response she wants out of me. She is so used to me just giving her anything and everything she wants, that me saying "No" to her some settlement requests, has sent her in a tail spin. It was tough for me to do, but I have realized here that I need to do it. I have always believed that a good husband always give his wife what she wants or needs, but now I see how distructive that can be.
Or , is it because I am going to get out of the house this weekend with a friend and his wife? Going camping with them and the dogs. The vengeful side of me wants to send the STBX pictures of the dogs and me out in the woods. That would get her goat. I know that is wrong. I won't do it, but it would feel so good.
I know I have asked before, but I don't think I have gotten an answer.
Has anyone gone against their attorney's or counselor's advice and confront their spouse that you know about the affair? Did it make you feel better if you did?
I want her to know I know, but they keep telling me to leave it alone.
Will the lies get worse?..well, I will say it has taken me 3 mos. of separation to get to the point I'm at, she wanted to breathe again so she left 3 mos. ago, they get to a point where they believe their lies, and I got to realize that the only thing I actually resent is THE CONSTANT LYING, she thinks I am an idiot and blind at the same time, so I decided that she can tell me what ever she wants,I have recently told her that I have no problem telling people our problems, friends, her co-workers, her bosses, our friends, since I told her that 2 weeks ago, she has not communicated with me but uses my daughters to communicate, from the beginning she wanted to keep it all uner wraps even while separated, after 3 mos I said no more, because I found out she has been making me out to be THE REASON even had the gall to question my ability has a dad, when she and everyone knows that is a true lie, but most important my girls know it's a lie, so once you stop believing or listening to the lie...yes, they certainly get worse.
Thanks for the input, I know where you are at with the SBTX wanting to keep everything under wraps. She w anted me to tell people that we both decided that things were not working out, so we agreed to the divorce; which would be easy to believe since I was not contesting it. I went along with it, for a while, worried she would get mad at me if I told people the truth.
I finally the last two days started telling people she asked for the divorce and is leaving me. I will be honest it was very liberating, but the cloud hanging over my head is the EA or PA, whichever it is, if not both, for I want to shout from tallest mountain, she is a liar and a cheat, but I can't. I just want her to know that I know, let her know she is not the victim in the thing, I am, our families are, our dogs are, our life. My 98 great grandmother loves her to death and is heart broken, so telling people the truth about her affair would hurt them as well.
I don't know what to think about her affair or actions lately, I feel sorry for her right now, no anger, just sorrow.
I met with my attorney today, my STBX has been trying to avoid the next phase of the divorce she asked for, splitting property and debt.
I felt hopelss this morning prior to the meeting, but following I felt refreshed, for we came up will clear goals. My wants, only one, the male dog, who is my buddie and an expedited divorce, so I can move and start to heal and live.
To reach these goals we are letting the STBX know she will get the uncontested divorce and property she wants, if and only if I get my dog; otherwise, I will file and contest the divorce. I felt a little alive, knowing there is still something in my life that I will fight for like my dog.
I fought for my marriage for the last 2 years and learning about the affair, the last 3 weeks I have felt like a loser, a man that could not win anything. Bought into her lies, loser. Alone, loser. Yet fighting back has awoken me.
Re: Will the lies get worse? 
!!! It is a good thing you are doing by starting to start again! Go to the gym and get active, take a walk with the dogs, get out of your self and your own head a little more every day and say hello; how are you to someone new (and mean it
, look up some new recipes for chicken, try them and then invite someone else over to try them ( make three versions and have them rate them with you; And so what if you aren't Emril
; plan something you have always wanted to do but weren't able to because she a) didn't like that b) wouldn't be caught dead there c) couldn't believe you would spend time or money on doing that...!
