I agree 100% about never getting married again. My STBX and I both thought we never would get married, then we met, and everything changed, I wanted her the rest of my life. I thought it would be for life, wanted it for life and was betrayed. From here on out I will only put one foot in the pool. I know to many that it seems unrealistic or stupid to look at life that way, but that was my first instinct prior to marriage. Look where going against my instincts got me. Broke and broken hearted.
I spent the day at watching the Celeb. Golf Tourney on a boat with a bunch of 20 something girls. I had a fun, but still missed my STBX. We used to do those things together, still broken hearted, so I know I will never go there again.
I am still messed up enough that I am not going to the party tonight, 15 drunk girls, and 8 guys, drinking and hot tub. I hate that I am not able to fully engage parties. Today, I realized that as much as she has hurt me, betrayed me, I would still take her back, at tleast the memories of our good times.
Here's to healing, getting my life and money back. Yes, money!!!! So I can start travelling for fun again!
So heres the thing you say that you would still take her back, thats kinda not true at least for me. I would take the woman I married back, I miss her sooo much but my wife isnt even that person anymore.
I ended up going to the party, and learned a lot more about my STBX. I don't think I could take her back today, I can't even take back the woman that I married because I really don't even know that woman. She is in complete self destuct mode, self loathing, self pity, and lost. I fell in love with a woman that did not have those traits, but I am coming to realize that she was just hiding them from me. A woman that is drunk for 9 straight days is not a woman I can be with, then or now. If this is who she has always been then she had been living a lie the entire time we were together.
I am having problems with the last act of love for her, for I want to get her family involved, but she is not going to be my responsiblity much longer. Do I create the issues for myself by getting involved or just walk away?
I ended up going to the party, and learned a lot more about my STBX. I don't think I could take her back today, I can't even take back the woman that I married because I really don't even know that woman. She is in complete self destuct mode, self loathing, self pity, and lost. I fell in love with a woman that did not have those traits, but I am coming to realize that she was just hiding them from me. A woman that is drunk for 9 straight days is not a woman I can be with, then or now. If this is who she has always been then she had been living a lie the entire time we were together.
I am having problems with the last act of love for her, for I want to get her family involved, but she is not going to be my responsiblity much longer. Do I create the issues for myself by getting involved or just walk away?
Only you can answer that, something is seriously wrong, can you just shake your head and go the other way? How close are you to her Dad, does he have any influence on her? If it was my daughter I would want to know and I would definetly go see her and try to figure what is going on but thats me, I dont know your FIL, has she had problems with depression in the past? Good luck with what you decide my friend. It sounds like you are already doing better than she is, I wonder if she is feeling guilt for what she did to her marriage.
I thought I was close to him, but when he was here helping her load her things the second and last time, he was a little more distant. Her mother was suprisingly nice and sad. My STBX doesn't like her family involved in any of her personal affairs, so I don't know if she will listen to them. I know I have to wait until I leave for it could create some really bad blood between us, worse than how she feels now. She is risking her brothers freedom havin him out with her, he is not a strong man and being around the people she is partying with will open to many doors.
She told me 4 months ago her doctor said she is suffering from depression, but would not elaborate since I was out of town. She said she didn't want me to worry, but the time line and things she has said leads me to believe that she was already with or starting with the OM. I think it is old BF that she saw at a funeral when I was away on business.
I was told this weekend that she is having a hard time with everything, but I don't know if it is guilt or the lack of finacial support. She is to proud to ask her parents for help and I handled everything for her for the last 5 years, I mean everything. All her earning went to her clothes and partying, so if she has not stopped partying there is no way she can afford to do anything else. Unless, she is using the OM for money; which wouldn't shock me right now. I don't know who she is, but I still love her, it is very perplexing.
I know I need to tell her family, I just hope they listen with open ears and open hearts...knowing I love their daughter and want the best for her.
So she was a party animal b4 all this happened? If she was Id just let it go and move on, she needs to grow up. What she can afford is not your problem, she is making poor choices and you do her no service but protecting her from the circunstances of those choices. The brother also has to make his own choices and if he wants to violate prob he will do it with or without his sis involvement.
I would think long and hard about involving her family, its a tough call, anywho get that uncontested D a done deal b4 doing anything to pizz her off. Then maybe if she isnt getting it together talk to her family or write a letter with your concerns.(just some thoughts)
Thanks for the advice, I am not going to do anything until the divorce is final. We just sent her the doc's for final approval, and to schedule a signing time for her. We both were partiers, but agreed to leavfe it behind after we got married. That is what attracted me to her, she was cool with my past, my demons, I was cool with hers. We were headed in the same in the same direction, until I started travelling for work. Her not getting her PT licence on schedule started weighing on her, and now she is completely lost. I fear she will get stuck in the life she is living right now. She was the glue that held her family together, now she isn't and that scares me. Her brother needs her support, he is weak and she knows it.
I would rather do it in person, nothing in writing, but based on your thoughts I will have to think about it a little more. Guess main thing at play is the divorce being finalized.
Yeah, I wouldnt do anything to rock the boat until D is a done deal.
Then you can decide the best way to deal with your concerns for her. You may even want to write out what youre going to say and have as many facts as possible that warrant your concern, then you can decide weather to mail it or talk in person. Good luck to ya.
Today was an interesting day, for I finished paking my house for the movers. The sadness if the house being empty went away when the last box was packed. I realized that my new life is a few days away. I start the drive across the country on 4 days, I can't wait to get on the road. I could feel it all morning, until I dropped paper work off at my attorney's office. She informed my STBX has not responded to our joint filing, it had been 4 days since she was sent the info. How can she ask for the for the divorce and then sit there and do nothing. I sent her a text and email, to be ignored until this evening. She is just wasting time and money, I may have to file for divorce now, alone. She is screwing with me because I leave in 4 days. I hate that she is doing this to me, the affair wasn't enough, now I am a hostage.
Bob feel free to pm me anytime you want, feel free to vent, whatever, you are a great person and you will make it through this. Give this a little time and lets see what happens but do know whatever happens "this to will pass" read Help 235s thread if you havent. Anyways at this point dont jump to conclusions hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
Thanks for the support. I am trying to keep a level head through this thing. I know we are both hurting and it isn't easy on either of us. I keep praying that she will get it together and follow through with her promise of not holding me up. I know that I can't expect it, but I can hope for it.
Last night was my last night on the town. I had a good time, with my buddy. We hit a few of the old spots I would go with my STBX, I didn't feel any sadness; which was a little refreshing. I missed her, but I wasn't sad. My buddy and I talked about her a lot, mostly good things, a few bad. He told me that he always liked her, but thought she never supported me or had my back. He never said anything because she was my wife and he knew I loved her. After hearing that I thought about it and he was really right. She underminded my last job, and me at events. She would make it about her and not my work and responsibilties anytime I would take her with me entertaining clients or events. She would let me work the room for an hour then want to leave or complain. I would always have to invite her friends or family to big parties I threw for work. At the time I didn't care, but looking back she was really selfish. Oh well.
The movinhg guys are loading the truck right now, my new life starts in 48 hours. I hit the road to never look back. I am going to miss the mountains, not much else.
Bob, despite any errors you might have made in your relationship, you seem to be a pretty smart guy who is reflective in nature. While I dont have any wisdom to add to this thread having been fortunate enough to have never suffered through a divorce and as well never having been cheated on (that I know of), I wanted to say I read your comments and truly wish you the best.
From what I can tell, a woman must always have her desires held in check by reason and she must never be able to make her man do whatever she wants. This is not to say disrespect should be present, nor should one ignore the concept of compromise, but a man must maintain the masculine aspects of self-control, he must demand respect, and he must maintain the value of his own mind and his own life.
Always remember that no time spent happy or in love is ever wasted. In time, when the wounds heal and only scars remain, you should be able to look back on the good times with a smile. Good luck man..
Thanks for the kind words, I can only hope to keep growing this thing and find my way back to happiness. I also know that I will find the happy memories again, but they seem so distant right now.
The dogs and I started our drive across the country today, it is going a little slower than planned (towing a boat for a freind), and it is more bittersweet than I thought it would be. The sadness of leaving my dream home behind didn't haunt me as much as I thought it would, but starting the drive, new chapter alone hurt quite a bit. This drive should have been with my STBX. Seeing the country together, moving into "our" first new home together, planting our roots, all things that will never happen. Dreams lost forever, at least dreams including her.
The drive stung even more as I approached my first stop, for I received an email from my attorney, my STBX wants a few things changed before she signs off on the joint filing. It is what I wanted, what I needed, but I never really prepared for the day to truly be here. Now that it is here I am going to send her a letter letting her know that I knew about the affair. Letting her know that I love her, will always lover her and pray for her to find peace and her way. I will let her know that I want her to find happiness in life, in a mate that she can love unconditionally, a mate she kind find happiness with, the type of happiness she could not find with me. I will tell her good bye.
I hope telling her things will bring me peace. I want peace and the abililty to know that my marriage is dead and being laid to rest. I am hoping that the flowers on its grave will bloom sooner than later and be glorious in color.
I sent my STBX "the email" last night. I thought it would poinant, long, and revealing. I thought it would explain my feelings, my hopes and dreams for her, but it didn't at all. I just told her I love her and wish her all the best. I told her that I learned about the affair, but did not know all the details, nor do I want to know them. I said goodbye.
I thought that I would feel better, but I don't. There is no closure yet, just more pain. I drove past Park City today and started to cry. We spent 4 days there a few years back before Christmas, talked about having children. Talked about how beautiful they would be, her blue eyes with my tan skin. Bittersweet memories, dreams lost, trappings of my mind, the mind that refuses to take control of my emotions. I need my mind back.
Does the next chapter start when the divorce is final? Does it start when let go of the love? Does it start when I find someone new? When?
I haven't heard a word out of teh STBX. She didn't email back or call to say anything about my email. No good-bye, no F*** you, no denial, nothing just a void in what was once our marriage. She hasn't made an appointment to sign th e divorce documents yet, but I am hoping she will this week.
I can't believe that I made it. I am in my new home, and just waiting for the furniture to arrive in a few days. My dogs are doing well, they seem to adjusting to living in a condo instead of a house. I know the miss their yard, but we are close to a dog park.
Is it possible to get a fresh start without closure?
Re: Will the lies get worse? 
