I don't know what to say...I no longer have a STBX. She is officially my X, the judge signed off on everything yesterday. I was not prepared to get that call this morning, I thought there would be a few more weeks, I have been trying to prepare for this, but now it is here. Thank god all of my meetings are done for the day, I can go to the gym, head to the airport and head home.
I don't know if this is a sign, but it is freaking me out...the movie that is on in my hotel room is one of 4 movies that was on a constant loop in our over the water Bungilow on our honeymoon. My X and I loved teh movie, but could n't watch it because it was on our entire honeymoon. She likes having the tv on while she gets ready, and it was always on. Is it a sign that with the beginning of our life together their was this movie a mutual love of ours, now with the death of our marriage, there is this movie.
My relationship was in chemo therapy, I know that part of me was hoping for a cure, a life saving measure to get us back together, but now I know it prolonged death. It is dead now, I can't just take it and bury it in the back yard, for I don't have one. I don't know if I should be mourning or happy. I can truly know that I am starting over, alone, which is a good and bad thing.
All my days on here, posting, giving advise and I feel like I am right where I started, unsure and sad. This rollercoaster is crazy ride, a ride I never wanted to get in line for, get on, or ride for that matter. I wish I knew how long it was going to last, how many loops, peaks and valleys were left. Have I been a total hypercrite, despensing advice? Advice that I don't even know that I could follow?
I know that I have made drastic changes in my life, but does that count as manning the F-up, when I am still so sad inside? God I love and hate her so much, but now she is officially out of my life.
When is your earliest memory? Mineís sitting a bath tub on the kitchen floor at about age three, fifty-eight years ago.
In time your mind will categorise everything, the thoughts, feelings and emotions associated with your time with your wife. In time your marriage will become a chapter in your book of life. I have a tendency to think on only the happy and joyful times In my life and when I look back thatís what I see.
Love and anger are different sides of the same coin. So Iím guessing in a way youíre still in love with your ex wife. That may always be the way of it but in time the strength of the feelings youíre having will diminish and eventually fade away to a happy memory. When youíve reached the point you can accept all that youíll also know that things do indeed pass, things come and go in our lives and at times although we do our best some of the things we most wanted didnít happen. Youíll accept that as well.
After a period of time youíll begin to open your personal doors probably hesitantly at first to let somebody else have a peek inside of you. When you find someone to let in, they will begin to occupy your time and the memories of your ex wife and marriage will fade even further in your mind.
Thanks for the kind words. Reality is a real b*tch. I am looking forward to the happy memeories you mentioned and not living with the thoughts and feelings inside of me. I know someday there will be another, or at least pray there will be. It's just so damn disappointing, being divorced. It is a word that I never believed would come out of my mouth. I once told the X, one of would have be dead to be apart. I guess I was totally wrong there, or partially wrong, her love for me is dead. Guess she was on board with my theory.
Have you already openned those doors? If so how long did it take you? Anyone else have thoughts on this? I am especially curious to know where people are at that are still in love as I obviously am, and have been in denial about it.
I know it is not healthy, but I want a rebound relationship to stop feeling for her, work can only fill part of the void, books can only fill part of the void, friends, and dogs only fill part of the void. Damn, I am still really screwed up over this whole f-ing thing.
Being strong to take my life back was easier than having my life back and not knowing where it is headed. I have never been uncertain in my life, now everything is a haze. Rambling now, sorry.....
No. My doors havenít opened yet. Iíve ladyís knocking but Iím not there as yet. In fact my doors are quite firmly but softly closed. Iím told ďjust dateĒ. But thatís not me, not who I am. Plus I havenít a clue as yet who to date. I believe we all have ďtypes of people we dateĒ. My wife was very much my type of person, so very much. Iím still way too analysing, what ifís, but if then that type of thing.
My decision is to build my new life as a very independent person. I donít need another dependent person in my life. If I see someone I like and who after a bit more analysis would like to share my world with me then thatís the way Iíll go.
Reality is sometimes a bogger. A very hard place to be Ö but then the sun comes up like it always does. Your sun will come up. It always does for The Good Men.
Thanks for sharing. I like you am not a dater. Never have been, don't think I ever will be. I have friends trying to get me to date online, hire one of the executive dating services. It just isn't my style though, I just don't know. I have always been very independent to a fault, going to dinner, movies, and vacations alone. Then I met my X and everything changed.
Now that I am going at it alone again, I know I will adjust and enjoy doing thing alone. This is what has friends worried, that I will be here in this new city for a year before I go out or do anything. I am okay with it, but they aren't so I feel pressure.
I guess I will just play it by ear and see what happens.
I am glad that there are women interested in you, it has to help with you esteem even if the doors are closed. Feeling wanted is always good.
It is a matter of adjustment. Acceptance first of what happened in the past, then adjustment to who we are now and the new circumstances we find ourselves in. The last time I was looking for another woman was over 40 years ago and believe it or not my mind is kind of stuck in those times of long ago. So I’m adjusting to the age I am now plus the new circumstances I find myself in at this age. I know it’s going to take a while for it all to sink in and become a part of who I’ve turned out to be. Just need to discover who that is lol. It’ll take me a while.
Some say that when we’re young and looking to start a family we’re attracted to people who are our opposite, each person making up for what the other doesn’t have in their character and coming together as one type of thing. My wife and I are opposite in so many ways it’s unbelievable. I know the love is still there on both sides but now we don’t have a “family”, our two sons are well grown and living their own lives, the opposite sides of our character no longer have a function. We each tried living for a few years in one another’s “worlds” and it turned out what was good for one of us wasn’t good for another. We simply could not live in peace and harmony with a fulfilling life in the others’ world.
My understanding is that now I need to look for someone who is very much like me, a somewhat frightening thought lol. Someone who shares the same philosophy of life, who enjoys sports, likes the same interests like archaeology, photography that sort of thing. Living with such a person would be very different for me. Then there’s the physical side of things, that’s always been very important to me.
I think I’m going to find such a person simply by doing what I enjoy doing and living a full and healthy life.
It is immensely helpful to know that women still find me “attractive” and does my self-esteem a lot of good. But as yet I’ve a good idea who I am but I’m not all the way there as yet so starting a new relationship at his point in time will I think inhibit somewhat my personal growth. One of the things I’m somewhat afraid of is the emotional entanglement that will surely come with a new relationship. I had a lot of that and no way am I ready to walk back into it.
So I guess I’m very much like you. I’ll get on with my life in the best way I know how and if it happens then all well and good.
I am suer you will find someone that will make you happy. I know you will.
It is funny, you mentioned something about when starting a family you loook for a mate that is opposite of you. I found that my X was that exactly and it didn't work out, so do I still do that or stick start looking for someone who is more like me?
I am very upfront on my wants in life and relationships, my X was not, she would hold it against me at times. So do I keep holding true and look for a woman that has the same views as I and hope for the best when looking for a matre to start a family or look for someone to compliment me flaws in prep for starting a family?
It’s Carl Jung who said those things about opposites coming together to start a family. They’re back to back doing things for the family. Then if all goes well and the children leave home there’s more time on the partners hands and for perhaps for the first time they turn round and take a good like at one another and perhaps realise they have a stranger in their lives and it’s time to get to know another over again. Also happens when people retire and are now living 24x7 with one another.
I can’t see I had a choice when I fell in love with my wife and in love I stayed for 42 years. This time is very different.
My son was married for three years and got divorced. After he said he’d “married his mum”, he’s very much like me and his mum is opposite to both of us. This time round he’s been with a young woman for three years very much more like he is. She speaks her mind and is very up front with both her thoughts and emotions. They thoroughly enjoy doing things together and have a lot of appreciation as well as love for one another.
Don’t know if that helps you CNB. I reckon old cupids going to be firing some of his arrows at you and when the time is right you’re going to spot them and maybe even hold onto one but I also reckon you’ll be looking at it a great deal before you decide what to do with it.
Here’s a thought. I understand if a woman sees a man she thinks she could like she sends him five signals over time. But us men being somewhat ignorant about these things don’t catch on very quickly and after the fifth signal she gives up. I was surprised to learn for example that eye contact of three seconds is a pretty massive signal. Maybe like me you’ll buy a few books on body language and behaviour. Allan Peas is very good. Then we get to know about body language, which is really the world of women, and learn a few of their secrets. Knowing about body language will hold you in good stead throughout your life, not just with the women you chose to share it with.
Thanks for the advice I will definitely look at teh books on body language. Any help would be good help these days, being out of the game, and looking for someone different.
Have a great day.
Watch out for the sun in the morning. It'll come up. You'll feel the warmth. We all journey around the sun every year, sometimes its far away and we feel cold, sometimes its near and we feel warm, it's called life. You don't know it as yet but you will be happy, joyful and content.
Again, thanks for the kind words. It helps me keep me going and things in perspective. Even more important the encouragement I have recieved here have helped me become a better listener and person to lean on for friends taht are going through divorces right now.
I will say this, there is something really bad in the water in my hometown. I have 4 more good friends who are currently going through divorces, all resulting from EA's and possible PA's. 3 starting from Facebook, spouses living in the past, or dream world of what could be or could have been.
Here's to being supportive and keeping your chin up!
I almost started crying on the boat today infront of kids and a bunch of guys...we were talking about the future and a friends coming baby. I realized at that moment that I am alone and am starting all over.
I have a long way to go. I am also having nightmares about her lies, EA every night. I guess I need to start looking for a counselor, or figure outto get the bad memories out of my mind.
I let her go...no just have to get her out of my head.
It takes a while. I was in a supermarket the other day having a coffee waiting for some friends to finish shopping. A thought about my wife just popped into my head and my eyes started watering and I thought not here in a supermarket of all places. I said to myself this too will pass and it did. These things are big time and very deep inside of us. Itís like some sort of universal spirit like weíre all linked together in a spiritual way.
Get her out of your head? Maybe the thoughts just need to be replaced by something else. Thereís a book called Awareness by Anthony de Mello I found it immensely helpful. Then thereís Buddhism and meditation. Your soul and spirit needs a bit of nurturing, these things help with that.
I joined a new gym last night, that makes 3 memberships, one national gym for my work travel. At least this one has parking, my second one is meant for commuters. I walk to and from work now, and then ride my bike to the gym when I get out of my suit, going to winter before you know it.
The long short of it is I need to get my X out of my head, I know that, so I joined a gym with tons of talent, solely to get her out of my mind. Don't know if that is going to be heatlth or not, but I know I have to do something, I think about her at least 10 times a day.
I really feel like going out whoring, but I know that won't be healthy for me, right? Any thoughts? Replace the pain with something else?
I wrote a bio of my time with my wife, from the time I first saw her to the time we separated. It helped me put things in perspective and get all my thoughts about our times together on paper. Occasionally I re read it. It helped me "compartmentalise” our time together with respect to my life so far as a whole and helped me close that chapter of my life.