Wetcheeks

A week ago I asked my H of 7yrs to move out because of his anger, rages and inappropriate acting out when he is angry (which is pretty much all the time). We were attempting a reconciliation after a 1.5 yrs living separately but seeing each other often throughout this time...my adult male children have always been a source of contention with my "alpha dog" H and the fact that due to an unexpected and distressing situation my son, his girlfriend and our two precious grandchildren are temporarily back living with me for a few weeks...H couldn't deal with it and began acting out and being verbally and emotionally abusive to everyone, even in front of his beloved grandkids, which I guess was the breaking point again for me. I have always known he was a beautiful man inside that gruff exterior but the years of emotional abuse, the many broken promises about getting help have finally opened my eyes that "if" may never come; because everything I have read and everything I have heard here and in counseling tells me that the one requirement for real change is his desire to make the change, any change...I think I finally realize that though my heart is breaking and I am grieving the loss of what might have been, I may have to rebuild and reconstruct this life into to the beautiful (though sometimes difficult) journey it was meant to be...without him. How do you put one foot in front of the other? How do you justify a deep abiding feeling that I am not supposed to give up on him versus the clear knowledge that his behavior is wrong, damaging, and hurtful and I am the strong one; the one who is supposed to protect everyone else and make him go, make it right? How do you pull from all your knowledge, strength and experience and let go of someone who is so loving and worthy, but is unable to see their own worth? and so lashes out at those who love him the most? I am so much better at open heart and open arms loving than I have ever been at Tough Love...I keep getting stumped at what is the next step. Right now I say the right things and do the right things and take care of every day needs, work and family, children, the house and yard...I keep busy...I try not to cry too much because I am doing the right thing and I am a grown woman and not a child but my heart is suffering so...

josh1081

I think you answered everything at the end. You know you're doing the rigt thing, and you ARE doing the right thing. Anger is not something that just disappears because you want it to or even because he wants it to. Reminds me of a movie quote....you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up first (hope I didn't screw that up) anger is something that he will have to take a proative attack on and something that will probably be a struggle even after the tools are known and applied, especially if he's 'set in his ways'. There needs to come a point where you realize this is out of your hands and work on things that you can control or greatly influence. If he was serious about changing then the separation should have been enough of a shock to get it started, but it must not be 'rock bottom' enough for that to happen.
it can happen and might happen, but don't pin everything on it happening in a timeframe suitable for you. This might be a problem that solves itself after you've gone.
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Wetcheeks

Thank you for your response...I needed to hear that again today! It took me a long time to finally accept that this was not something I can fix...and it wasn't from a lack of trying that I came to that... I was having a sad but productive day today but peace and acceptance were slipping silently away from me all afternoon so I appreciate the chance to refocus my thoughts and reconfirm my resolve to heal, to live, and to appreciate all the wonderful things I still have in my life...it is very difficult to switch gears after years of practice in the negative and to focus again on the positive aspects of life...today I live and grow a little more, tomorrow I hope that translates into a little more healing, a little more hope, a little more strength...

josh1081

Well keep in mind to do what is best for you. I got the feeling from your post that moving on is what you wanted the most. I suggest only hanging on if you feel it is right and you see steps being done to eradicate the problem. Anger is one of those monsters that is different in intensity and healing for everyone. My best advice is to look at this as rationally as possible and make the decision that way. It's better to do this on your own terms then waiting and risking having this whittle you down to nothing and have nothing left if you make the decision to move on. Someone on here told me once that moment of unhappiness is one less that you have to be happy. Those moments can't come back and my best to you in having as many good ones as you can in the future.
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Wetcheeks

Thanks...I agree with everything you brought up; I have long been concerned about the monster that all this anger and rage can conjure up, especially with the emotions of separating rolled in but aside from those very real concerns, I have also been concerned about the toll on myself in having to deal with the trials and challenges of daily life with a bipolar spouse with major anger issues...I was pretty good at not allowing each of those situations to chip away at who I am but eventually it did wear me down and started to become destructive to me and my personality. The reason I initiated the first separation was an attempt to repair the marriage by both space for healing and counseling and presenting H with an immutable consequence of unchanged behavior but this time, I needed it to save myself...as much as I love him and would love to have that day come where all the "if's" came true...I have come to some level of acceptance that the day may never come and I must take some time and energy and heal myself; if "that" day comes I'll will need all my strength, love and acceptance to be the partner he needs but if that day never comes I need all my strength, love and acceptance to be the woman I am and was meant to be and continue on to build the life I want and deserve, and to have a love that is gentle and reciprocal. In these last few days and weeks I've started to live in the moment and try to find appreciation and beauty in little things...I am actually relaxing and enjoying the feeling that although things are far from perfect, there is less of that "waiting for the other shoe to drop" and it is a relief (acceptance) and it certainly hurts less than when I try to "argue with reality"

Wetcheeks

H came over to visit and see me and the grandkids this weekend and was on his best behavior and all but I could finally see through the tremendous love and acceptance I have always had for him to just how large and immovable the issues really are. When I asked if he had followed through with making appointments for counseling and anger management, he said no and made his usual excuses about time, money, energy, etc. Then later on he made one of his off hand comments about one of my sons, I suddenly realized that in some warped way, his comment was aimed at bonding him and I together - I was supposed to take his comment as though he were taking my side on something - this is what he always does, but when you listened to what he actually said it was rude and denigrating and another putdown of my son(his step son) or as my grandmother would have said "a back-handed compliment"! I realized WHY I was so confused so many time in our relationship...his behavior so often was so contradictory to his tone, his words and his meanings... he could be gently holding you and say the the most horrible things to you...conversely he could be saying how much he loved you while he punched a hole in the wall or threatened to. It saddened me all over again and it strengthened my resolve that I will never let him back into the house unless he sees it too but in the meantime I cannot wait to start living again until "he gets better" because it likely will never happen...too many years of getting away with it has likely made that remote. I am confident in my decision and the many steps I have made in moving on and starting to think about enjoying life and people again...The next step having separated our households and primary lives is to decide if I can or want to just live separately or if I need to go ahead and file for divorce? There was no cheating or others involved and honestly neither of us wants a divorce but he will give me one if I ask for it...has anyone else lived separately for long periods of time by choice or circumstance while continuing a friendship with their non-ex but definitely separated spouse? I have to ask because I want to explore all the options before I make an irrevocable decision...I have never considered this a real alternative in marriage ie married but permanently living separately but I know others have tried it and felt it necessary and I'll never compromise on safety. I can't go backwards, I have been on my own before and for long periods of time so I am not afraid of that, I know how to decorate my own life in or out of marriage and doing alright in that process right now. I just wanted to consider the alternatives and see what others experience might be...

Wetcheeks

Just wanted to update on the present since it has been a while ...me and my H have now permanently separated households and lives, contact only through email to handle a few last issues that intertwine us, taxes, etc... The decision to have only email contact has been mine because I am still vulnerable to his physical presence (the sound of his voice, his smell, etc)...my pain level is fairly high right now because I wish more than anything I could say that I don't love him anymore, that I believe he is hopeless and dangerous but the truth is much more complicated than that...I do love still love him very much and I am pretty sure I am giving up on my "soulmate" but with very good and compelling reasons. Somehow that only makes it intellectually more reasonable but how's that old saying go? "the heart wants what the heart wants"... Since I last posted my H had gone through an intensive anger management course and although I couldn't allow him back into our home because he needed to earn all of our trust again, he was allowed to visit and try to repair some of the damage he had done with his step children and grandchildren. He was doing fairly well for about 4 months and then out of the blue, for a minor infraction, he completely lost control on one of his visits just before Christmas and physically assaulted our adult son in front of his two small children, the police were called, he was subsequently arrested and charged. Long story short, the charges were eventually dropped so as not to "wreck" his ability to make a living but no matter how much my heart aches, I cannot forgive him this time. Too much past damage and too much potential for damage to everyone if he is allowed to be around, even with a renewed commitment to get further "help"...Just one question...When will the heart finally be able to listen to all the reasonable and definitive evidence that the mind knows to be true? And move beyond simply putting one foot in front of the other on a path to better life for everyone...I know what I am doing must be done but in the midst of such certainty is the grief and pain of leaving a life, a love, a dream that will remain unfinished forever. Thanks so much TAM for everything...

carol

I am new to this site and have read your posts and I'm glad to see you are moving on. You need to look after yourself and your children. And if he comes around, great. It may take a while to really let go. Take the time to explore yourself. I know for me I realized up front that we were both to blame because a relationship is what you both bring to it. I decided I wanted to change some things about me and worked on them. Ask my friends now and they will tell you I am a different person and I'm very happy. This wouldn't have happened if we had stayed together. Everything happens the way it is supposed to. And it's ok to cry. I did for a long time, even took drives and cried my heart out in the car, away from my kids. Let it out.