I have been married to my wife for 6.5 years and we have two children age 4 and 12. The 12 year old is my step-daughter by marriage. I love and cherish my wife with all my heart and my children. My world is shattering before my very eyes. We come from a Christian home and my wife has always had such strong values. In 08 my step-daughter started middle school and thus began having attitudes with me. It was a constant struggle to get her to do things and if I would try discipline, my wife would say quit being mean to her, show her respect and she will show you respect. Now my step-daughters biological father has nothing to do with her and does not care. I have often felt that my wife made me feel to blame for his short-comings. In 09 my wife was diagnosed with possible female cancer and began to shut me out both emotionally and physically. She went through a total hysterectomy in June 09. I would try to reach out to talk to her about the emotional distancing and our lack of intimacy and she would take defense and state I was pointing out her inadequacies when I was only trying to reach out to her. We have not had sexual relations since March 09 in any way shape or form. Her emotional distancing after the hysterectomy kept getting worse toward me to the point of my feeling emotionally abused. After the hysterectomy she stated to me that although there was peace in her home, there was a huge storm inside of her, that she felt like constantly crying. She stated the simple thought of physical intimacy gave her panic attacks, and made her want to curl up in a ball and disappear. She stated she could not stand to be touched. Now since she has went through the hysterectomy her doctor has only put her on birth control and Wellebutrin anti-depresants. No form of hormone therapy was even offered and when I would make suggestions she would get extremely angry with me. I kept trying to reach her emotionally and she would simply push me away and avoid me. She was wrapping herself around her family. Two months ago a childhood friend of hers and her families came into visit. She and her family had not seen him in 13 years. I found out shortly after he left town some alarming things on her facebook. She and him had been exchanging graphic sexual comments for two months prior to his visit and they had kept exchanging messages of this nature up to one month after he left. I never noticed anything out of the ordinary between the two of them while he was here visiting. I questioned her about the messages and she became nausious and got defensive and kept stating it was a joke that they had use to do that years ago and even her sister joked like that with him. I left it alone and simply said O.K. because I love her so much and took my marriage vows to heart. She kept being emotionally distant from me and stating she did not know if she wanted to be married, which was breaking my heart. These messages I found between the 2 of them did not make since because she stated previously just weeks ago that the thought of physical intimacy gave her panic attacks and scared the hell out of her. Just one week after I asked her about the messages, she came to me with a cold unemotional look and said she had seen a lawyer, filed for a divorce, and did not love me anymore. I begged and pleaded and everything else imaginable. My world was falling apart and has been ever since. I do not want divorce and I can forgive her for anything. I don't want my children to grow up in single parent household or to be subject to an outsider. I keep praying for a miracle and reconciliation. The day she told me about the divorce, she stated that my actions had become peculiar and it scared her. I told her that My actions of recent were normal because I was reaching out to her just to be close to her for I feared I was losing her. Now my wife has always been involved with Church and has had strong Christian values. Since the diagnosis and surgery, she has not been very active in church and I have always asked her to go. I love her so much, I could die for her and my children. Can someone help me, any advice. She has left voluntarily and moved in with her parents taking the kids. The only child I get to see is my biological son. This is tearing me apart.
Elmo, I am very sorry that you are in such pain and are being treated so hatefully by your W. Emotionally healthy women do not behave that coldly and vindictively. She has been heartless in the way she abandoned you and denied you access to your step daughter. It is hard to believe that level of meanness is due to hormones or depression alone, i.e., that following the cancer surgery last year.
Usually, when someone is that spiteful and vindictive, it is due to a personality disorder that she has had since early childhood. I say this because a PD can distort their perceptions of a spouse's intentions, allowing them to perceive him as a devil. Simply stated, any woman with a thought disorder can perceive you to be Hitler and will treat you accordingly. PDs usually start showing themselves in late adolescence. If that is the case, however, there must have been some signs of difficulties after the first six months of courtship ended. Please tell us more about how she behaved for most of six years -- that is, before everything got worse in June of last year. And please tell us if she has ever been treated by a psychologist.
Edit: I just noticed that you've started several other threads where you provide a little more information. You say there that there were few fights up until two years ago. You also say, however, that she has been accusing you of awful things over the past two years. What things, specifically? I ask because, if your W has a PD, she likely is projecting onto you what is going on in her own mind. That is, if she has been verbally abusive, she refuses to own up to it, instead choosing to believe that you are the verbally abusive one.
And if she has been carrying on an emotional affair with the old classmate, it would not be surprising for her to suddenly start believing that you are the unfaithful one. Projection of that nature works to eliminate guilt only because it is done subconsciously, allowing her to believe the outrageous accusations. My exW, for example, truly believes that I am a frequent liar and violent person (i.e., her characteristics projected onto me).
My wife was always very easy going before throughout our relationship. Looking back, now I see that there would be little signs of mood swings or slight depression but not many at all. She has never been to a counsellor, psychologist or psychiatrist. I even suggested counselling right before she left me but she was not receptive. I do feel she is trying to suck the blood from me through this divorce and I do feel she believes she is going to get everything. The hard part is I love her dearly and do not want my family destroyed. We never had any abuse in the relationship. She would state she was unhappy because I fussed at my step-daughter. I did nothing more than treat me step-daughter as if I were her parent. I treated her the same way her mother treates her. There has never been any kind of abuse between us until after that surgery and then I could do no right in my wifes eyes. She found fault in all I did. Before the surgery we would send loving emails back in fourth at work and she was very passionate. After the surgery, no passion from her and my emails or comments to her were not ever answered. She would open and read and no reply. At home, I would constantly complement her, be affectionate and loving and nothing, no response. I would have to initiate a hug to recieve one. When I would go in for a kiss, she would kiss me with a very tight lip as if afraid or even turn her cheak so I could only kiss her cheak. She would glair at me and look as if totally angered toward me. It's devestated me and emotionally abused me.
Elmo, because the changed mood and hostility started with the surgery and was not seen before, it sure sounds like a hormone problem. But, given that she refuses hormone therapy and counseling, there is nothing you can do for her. I nonetheless suggest that you see a psychologist so you can describe her bizarre changes and get a professional opinion as to what happened. It likely will be the closest thing to closure you will get. I know that being able to understand my exW's emotional disorder (BPD) was a great comfort to me after she ended our 15 years together. I wish you the best.
All I can say Elmo, is that in my ancient thread I mentioned the same types of things. My ex-w had her ovaries removed and refused to go on hormone therapy. Over the next year her personality changed drastically and when I mentioned hormone therapy for her problems she would just get upset and angry with me.
The sad part of all this is that she never saw her personality or demeanor change , but I sure did. Today she is a totally different person incapable of any compassion or remorse for her actions. My therapist said that we will never know why she changed, but that I'm not dealing with the same person I loved and married. That person is gone forever... Hard to look my ex in the eyes and know that the person you loved no longer exists.
Notaclue- Did your ex have a radical or complete hysterectomy? It's as if mine does not have a memory of me and if she does, she only points out faults (the stupid stuff that don't even matter) It seems with everyone else, she is fine. Although she has completely changed...quit church, drinks, curses, has changed everything in the marital home and we are not even divorced yet.