I am a very fun and interesting person and my wife of 5+ years just left yesterday. The hurt is immense. I love her with all my heart and soul and the only true thing I may have done to her is be there too much.
She wants to leave because she has lost the connections to me. I have been a great husband and many say the same. It's just depressing to have someone you hold in high regard and your best friend say "sorry, I'm out". I look inward and say "why me?" I know it is a two way street but I feel that I truly have done all the little things (buying flowers, attention, space) that she needs. I am a giver and I feel that she took everything from me. I still love and am desperate to get her to come home.
We don't have kids but regardless, I do not want to go through a divorce. I can be honest in saying I have been a good husband and even she says that. However it has been two years of her not being loving to me and our relationship and she wants out.
While it may just be a separation, she has said it is basically over. But my question is, does giving her space work? We've been together for so long that I do see it as a possibility but I am seeing now how many of those writing are moving on with their lives. How long with the hurt last? I know she has her own perspective, but my own philosophy is to help everyone no matter what.
The cold and distance emotional glances and the lack of trying to nuzzle up to me does two things: confirms what she is telling me and that I can find someone who wants to be with me.
Advice? I just need some help from those here. Thanks.
The percentages are not in your favor in regards time apart, that is the first step to 'freedom' for her, yes divorce is probable..how is her job situation?..is she able to support herself?..or does she rely on you for support?..a lot of women, once secure in the financial aspect, start to look for reasons to be happier, and a spouse stands the way of that.
She no doubt (and you probably don't truly believe it) has another person in her life right now..yes it will be the toughest thing you will go through.
I am so sorry that you are going through this right now, trust me I know how you are feeling. My wife told 3 days after our anniversary. Our circumstances are a little different in the sense that my wife shut down in a 4-6 month period, and I have learned she is having affair(learned this after she asked fora divorce). But, the pain you feel will be severe one moment and pass the next. I have gotten a lot of support and answers here, take a look at Feeling Betrayed.
Everyone here has given me hope, if not for saving my marriage, atleast in saving myself. I am knee deep in it right now, so I can't say what feeling are going to come, what she will do next, or what you will do next, but I know this place makes it easier to put the next foot forward, then the next foot, and so on.
I wish you the best through this and what you to know that there are good people out there, that have you in their thoughts and prayers.
You need to read some threads in the coping with infidelity section. No begging, pleading or groveling. It will get you absolutely no where. There could be an affair. Do you want to know? If there is then there are somethings you will need to understand.
Good news first! We talked for an hour yesterday and things went better than anticipated in terms of my feelings. I let her know that I was disapointed in both myself for not communicating my feelings about the lack of emotion and respect from her. Then how I felt regarding her way of going about telling me which was feeling bad for a long time then boom...blindsided. I did have a feeling things were not good yet you want to believe in the positive. She cried more so then I thought. I know she's done as she wants someone like her best girl friend-funny, but yet I feel not as intellectually smarter than her.
The point being is that I felt better. I was more in control of the conversation then I have been in a long time. I am not willing to back down as I have in the past which would be to buy her something as a coping mechanism. I am actually returning the dress and jewerly I bought for her birthday last week. It feels empowering.
More to come and truly I thank people for expressing their thoughts and concerns back. I will return the favor 10 fold.
An update: I have tried to contact her once in the past few days with no response. I've been busy with other things and have felt better.
However, today has been very difficult. I believe it is the feeling of emptiness that I need filled. She really didn't full fill my needs but the routine of the day is hard. I counted on her for some things but I know I am my own person. It does looks as if the end draws near.
As I read other threads, I feel the same feelings of shame and remorse to what has happened. Here's the whole story-(the first portion was to get something out in the open)
We've been married for 3 1/2 years when she went to Las Vegas and had an affair. While being bad enough of having an affair, I found out when she went to London 3 months later with the same friend that she went to Las Vegas with and allowed my wife to sleep with someone and that someone, who she never said anything about, lived in London. How I found out about this whole ordeal is that she left a notebook chock full of information on the counter top after I dropped them off at the airport.
I read it, mortified, when to my class and came home to see that it was gone. She had someone go and take it from our house. I then tried to call her and when she finally called back, I said "So when were you going to tell me about this?" Speechless. When she returned from London, it was just awful. I tried to talk to her but to no avail as she was stone cold.
We then went to therapy last year and that did some good but as the winter and spring returned with good times, she then dropped the it on me that she was done.
During this time frame of 15 months, I never felt that I trusted her. I was glad when she was actually home as I thought at any moment, she would leave.
The worst part for me is that I did all I could for her. I improved as a person and adjusted the things I could to improve our relationship and with the things I couldn't control, I watched and observed what took place.
In retrospect, there is some relief but when she is gone, life isn't the same. She told me she has wanted out for the last 15 months and "tried". I tried. She gave a half ***ed effort. It's so terrible to my person that she knew I was working at our relationship more than her and yet I received little to no respect in our marriage.
I'm obviously trying to fill in the gaps that people have questions on and I thank you for all the opinions as many of us are in terrible situations that are no fun.
I am sorry to here that you have been dealing with this for 15 months, but glad to see that you have out everything you can into it. It looks lie you are headed to a healthy place. Can't wait to join you.
CNB-Sorry to hear about your situation. Today is an anxiety filled day. I am going to talk to a couselor to help me through the lonliness.
I feel it isn't even my separated wife. It's the lack of a constant. She was part of my life and now it feel painful to try and comprehend how I will continue to move through this period of time. The thought of having someone is stronger then I imagined. I know she is enjoying her time apart and I had moments yet the past two days have been trying. She texted me that she would call after I texted a statement "I have learned on what basic communication pieces I was lacking and now understand." Where this will go...a plan is in place, but the plan is difficult to relate to.