My wife of almost 2 years and I have been separated for 2 weeks without communicating, after she told me that she thinks that she wants to be alone. We finally did have a sit down conversation in our home while our 3 year old son stayed with his grandmother. In this conversation she said that she wants a separation because she feels like she doesn't have a burning passion for me anymore, and that she questions if she ever had it. My wife says that she loves me like a best friend, but is still in love with me. She has come to this conclusion of separation all on her own and did not communicate these feelings with me, which we have done with everything in our relationship. I am devastated that she is considering going through this without even having me try with her.
I don't know what to do and how to feel...Any experience or advice with this?
Sorry to hear that 'lost but strong', honestly, what you posted has been posted on this site DAILY but by different people, it is eerie to that affect, also in my opinion, a spouse either loves their spouse or doesn't, no in between, and since she has told you she wants out, she most likely will, what do you think the chances of her having another person in her life as the reason for wanting out?...because that seems to the consensus around here and it is usually correct.
I think another person is definitely a possibility although she promises me up and down to my face that this is not about another person. She states that it is about her, and needing to find something missing in her life. There are many red flags that there is another person, and I opened up the floor to her to think about working on herself and being honest with herself, and once she does that and is able to be honest with me I would be willing to forgive her for any wrong doings. She did not rule out a possibility of getting back together, and in fact she brought up that thought twice during our conversations. I guess bottom line what we both agreed upon is to put off the divorce for now and revisit it at 3,6, or 12 months down the line, and just use this time of separation to work on ourselves, and see where we are then.
Red flags are usually an indicator and so is the gut feeling about another person, if she hasn't confirmed another person she could be testing it out, that could be the reason she said she doesn't want a divorce yet, separation usually ends it all (the marriage), if there wasn't any abuse (physical or emotional), then the time apart only adds to the mix of reasons..you're really going to need to use the time to reflect on you and what role you played in this (if any) since every relationship is different, but the outcomes are strangely the same..once a spouse (especially a woman) gets the nerve to bring up. she has already made up her mind...at that point, it's impossible to get them to change their 'feelings', only you know how your relationship was/is..but in general, she most likely has someone who gets her passion going keep posting here and other forums for support and advice, some people believe begging, or trying to convince the other to stay is the way, but a lot like me, do not. good luck
Unforunately your gut is most likely correct. A physical separation is usually to make an affair easier to accomplish. And unfortunately her swearing up and down is verbatim script regarding an affair. That is what makes it so hard to deal with because it could be true what she says but fits the script.
Let me ask -- over the last lets say 6 months -- looking back has she changed how she acts around you. Has "tension" mounted. Any additional texting. Did she start carrying her phone with her every where when she used to let it lie around? Did she start closing down her computer when you entered the room when she didn't use to do that?
We need more information. I will tell you this. Don't beg her, plead with or even say I love you at this time to her. She knows you love her. Now I suggest you go to marriagebuilders.com and start reading there. Also affiarcare.com.
Books to read include "The Five Love Languages", "His Needs Her needs", and one I truly recommend is "Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants"
Good luck. Patience, confidence, kindness and understanding are what is needed. Remember this will be a journey not a race.
My wife and I both have dealt with out issues together throughout our marriage, and I know my wife better than anyone. I told her that I understand her need to go and find that something and put a little piece in her mind. I also know that during our time apart she will come to the realization that love and marriage is not just about that burning passion for one another, but it's about commitment, sacrifice, giving more than you receive (by both), and that it is work. I know that she will find that the little things that make up a person that you've come to know and love is what it's all about. Right now I have taken steps and set goals for myself and my son for the short and long term future.
There has not been any warning signs over the past 6 months, in fact our relationship has only gotten stronger since then. All of this has only surfaced or shown any signs within the past 4 weeks. We both live very stressful lives and do what we can to manage that with each other. We have throughout our entire time together let each other go through our phones and talk about messages from people that we receive from others if we are feeling insecure. Within the last 6 months, my wife was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, and she feels like her life is drawing towards its end at the age of 28. She has stated this as a reason that has expanded her feeling of wanting to be alone even more and go out and experience things that she has never done before.
I appreciate the book recommendations and I will read the one that you recommend. I know that this will be a journey, and it is a journey that I am ready for.
Just to give an update on those that have been replying. My wife and I have been keeping our son at our home and each of us staying somewhere else trading weeks at home to keep it more stable for our child.
For my birthday present at the end of May my wife bought 3 sets of lingerie, and this week, my week at home, I found one of those sets gone. She says that she will be staying at her female co-workers house or one of her mom's friends house, but you don't take lingerie with you to those places. This is already a possible outcome that I thought made the most sense, and now I know for sure.
The thing is I'm still at the same place I've been...Strong and ready for what may lay ahead.
There you go..the 6 months he threw out there was an estimate..I believe it happens rather quickly going into the PA part...the lingerie part?..yep..so did my wife..she's done it...get more evidence, use it against her if you have the 'nuts'..what kind of STD can she get?..who knows..it's about you and your child now..the last thing a spouse wants to believe, and I mean the last thing, is the fact their spouse HAS HAD SEX with another...sorry..been there and only time is the cure (and what you do to help yourself)..kick her a$$ to the curb..she's done that to you..and don't fall for the "but I'm the mother of your children" crap.