My marriage counselor before we broke up asked, "What's facebook?"
I told her. . ."I know you are 65 years old but you had better investigate this. . .because you are in for a lot of broken marriages with blood on Facebook's hands."
It has hit me today....he had sex with someone else while we were married. He was able to be intimate with someone else knowing I was at home waiting for him to return. How could he do that? How can someone detach themselves like that and justify their behaviour? How could he talk about and plan his trip with me knowing what he planned to do. How could he get angry with me his loving wife when I got upset when he extended his trip,extended it to secretly be with her. I love/loved him so much how could he think so little of me? For the first time since it all came out over a month ago today I am haunted by pictures of them betraying me eventhough I have no idea what she looks like. Yet I still wait for a call from him and would take him back in an instant.....How could he do this to me?
Hi Ever,
There’s stuff we have to go through when these sorts of things happen. We’ve done nothing to deserve it which makes it all the more painful and harder to get through.
I’m about 9 months out from separating. During that time I found I’ve been naturally developing “mantras”. My latest one is “I loved her for who she was, I couldn’t love who she became”. This lets me hold onto my good happy and joyful memories while at the same time accepting that my marriage is well and truly over. You are probably a long way off from acceptance but maybe it will help you.
Our life does change because of the behaviour of our partner, not because of our behaviour. It takes a while to recognise and accept that.
A mantra is a sound, syllable, word, or group of words that are considered capable of "creating transformation" (spiritual transformation). Their use and type varies according to the school and philosophy associated with the mantra.
Today is a down day. I just really miss him. I don't care about her, or the horrible things he did, I just miss him. Not doing anything special, just him being there. I miss the sound of his voice.
Most of the time I can get by. I am with friends, or out with the dog, or keeping myself busy. Its the quiet times that are the hardest, when you sit down at the end of a day and there is no one there there to share it with. Sometimes talking to the dog is just not the same.
I have to get used to the being alone, not relying on him or anyone to be there, I can't keep going out all the time for coffee etc, people have lives and I have a limited budget. I'm going have to get used to the quiet.
But just for today I want him to offer to make me a cup of tea, to show me something interesting in the paper, to laugh at something stupid on the television. Today I just want him.
I am going through a similar situation. I found out my husband was having an affair and attempted to commit suicide after the reality of losing him. To make it more pleasant, while I was in the hospital recovering for two weeks, he moved this girl and her son, into our home.
At this point, a little more than a month into this ordeal, I do not ever want to see or speak to him again. I would not want any man in my life that would treat me like this or put me through this much pain. There is no excuse for it! Even if this woman has manipulated him or he is under the influence of anything, I would not want a man in my life who is capable of such cruelty.
I'm going through the same thing except my husbands EA has not left her husband, but he is determined to get divorced as quickly as possible.
I thought our marriage was fine until he stated to talk to her. When their EA escalated to 2700 texts/calls in a month is when really checked out of the marriage and took his ring off.
My husband changed too. I don't know this man anymore. He is lying, being sneaky, harsh and using cuss words, and being argumentative about every little thing. It now has become all my fault. He turns everything against me and everything I do or say always has fault.
I know I deserve better but there is that small part of me that wishes he would change his mind and want to make it work.
mockingbird-
he hates himself for what he has created. Because he has. The problem is, he put himself in a place that he doesn't want to be. He neither has her or you, and that's a ****ty place to be. Whatever you do, DO NOT blame yourself. It is not your fault. This man strayed and now he has to live with the consequences. He's a grenade to you and your livelihood. Just stay strong... and if I were you, I would not take him back. You mean more than just being the alternative to his master plan.
Today is a down day. I just really miss him. I don't care about her, or the horrible things he did, I just miss him. Not doing anything special, just him being there. I miss the sound of his voice.
Most of the time I can get by. I am with friends, or out with the dog, or keeping myself busy. Its the quiet times that are the hardest, when you sit down at the end of a day and there is no one there there to share it with. Sometimes talking to the dog is just not the same.
I have to get used to the being alone, not relying on him or anyone to be there, I can't keep going out all the time for coffee etc, people have lives and I have a limited budget. I'm going have to get used to the quiet.
But just for today I want him to offer to make me a cup of tea, to show me something interesting in the paper, to laugh at something stupid on the television. Today I just want him.
So I think you are going through the 7 stages of grief, and right now you are in the shock and denial stage. Shock and denial is a stage where it doesnt feel real, an one where we dont see how betrayed we were. I think you should do a search on the 7 stages of grief, it will help you understand what you are going through.
How long were you married? Anyhow this POS has betrayed you big time I think it is time for no more MRS nice girl, start acting in your best intrests and really who cares how he feels about it.
Its just the weekend that's all, been busy all week and not really felt sorry for myself or my situation, but the weekend is long when there is no one there to share it with.
I know I shouldn't want him after what he did but he is/was my husband and when I married him I meant my vows. I know that he has forgotten or chosen to reject them but I meant every word of them. I am moving on, I am not planning my life around him coming back, in fact in the less than 2 months since it happened I have made big changes that will improve my life. I have started to learn to drive, started taking daily exercise, started a dance class, begun volunteer work for a charity, reconnected with lots of old friends, made some new ones, been offered a new business venture and managed to get a major promotion at work while all the madness was going on, in less than 2 months I think I have achieved quite a lot. I am also moving on in my thoughts about him, I have gone from begging him to stay to cutting all contact with him and his family. At the start I would have leap at the chance to pick up where we left off like nothing had happened. Now if he did come back I think it would take a lot of negotiation and be on my terms, I am sure I will come to the point where I wouldn't even consider taking him back but I'm not there yet.
But that doesn't mean I don't miss him, a song,a film just seeing something that I know he would have found funny makes me ache. I know it is my husband I miss not the person he became but it doesn't make that ache easier. I nearly started crying in a shop the other day because a stupid cliched song came on, one that I would have laughed at before and the lyrics just hit me, on one hand I felt so stupid for letting it get to me, but part of me just wanted to howl right there in the middle of the shop,but I didn't I kept it in and carried on.
The sensible side of me knows I will get through this and my friends and family are amazed how well I have coped. But I do miss him and what we had. I know HAD is the important word there, that it is gone and in the past but it was good and that is what I miss. It seems so unfair that I have lost everything when I did nothing wrong. He has gone from me to her, he doesn't have to live alone, he isn't feeling empty, he isn't aching inside, he has someone to hold him. See the anger is there, but sometimes I just miss him.
I think this has been the hardest 2 days since I moved out. Have spent most of my time crying or close to crying. Think the reality of it has hit me, while I am here with him constantly on my mind and my heart breaking, he probably isn't giving me a second thought. All he will be thinking about is her. I think deep down I thought he would have made contact by now, would have missed just talking to me. But the contact we have had has been him sending me accusatory emails and a pointless text about the dogs boosters being due. When you went to her, you gave up me and the dog, his health has nothing to do with you!! Even when it was all breaking down we could still talk and make each other laugh - we still had a bond. Maybe I thought that bond would be harder to break. I don't just miss him, I miss everything about being with him, I miss his family, I miss our life.
Why is it so hard on the people who don't deserve it?
I think this has been the hardest 2 days since I moved out. Have spent most of my time crying or close to crying. Think the reality of it has hit me, while I am here with him constantly on my mind and my heart breaking, he probably isn't giving me a second thought. All he will be thinking about is her. I think deep down I thought he would have made contact by now, would have missed just talking to me. But the contact we have had has been him sending me accusatory emails and a pointless text about the dogs boosters being due. When you went to her, you gave up me and the dog, his health has nothing to do with you!! Even when it was all breaking down we could still talk and make each other laugh - we still had a bond. Maybe I thought that bond would be harder to break. I don't just miss him, I miss everything about being with him, I miss his family, I miss our life.
Why is it so hard on the people who don't deserve it?
You are doing very well, time will heal your wounds. It hurts the ones who dont deserve it because most of the time we dont see it comming.
My hope for my stbx is that someone will rip her heart out like she did to me.
Thought I would share this with you. It helped me.
Thank you PaperStreet. That was actually really helpful. I feel like I go through 1 of the 5 at different times of the day. Currently my emotions are getting the best of me. (PMS) so reading this really helps to put all of that in perspective. Thank you for sharing.
Think I have hit the grief stage....I have become paralyzed by the sadness and waste of it all. All I want to do is stay in bed and doze and cry. Have made a deal with myself that I have to do my chore list each day before I can go back to bed.
The only way I can get myself out of bed in the morning is to say to myself, well this might be the day he gets in touch. I can feel myself slipping away and all that is left is the gap he has left in my life. I know I have to wait it out but all I want is him back.
Think I have hit the grief stage....I have become paralyzed by the sadness and waste of it all. All I want to do is stay in bed and doze and cry. Have made a deal with myself that I have to do my chore list each day before I can go back to bed.
The only way I can get myself out of bed in the morning is to say to myself, well this might be the day he gets in touch. I can feel myself slipping away and all that is left is the gap he has left in my life. I know I have to wait it out but all I want is him back.
I know what you're going through as I am going through the exact same feelings the last couple days. I just don't want to get out of bed and when I don't have to I don't, or I simply move it to the couch and sleep there. But I look in the mirror and the person staring back at me is a pale faced stranger. A girl I've never seen before, because the sadness and unusual depression have taken over. My life will never be what it was and I want so desperately to get it back.
However, after talking to those around me, I always seem to feel better. Because he truly is the bad guy, and was more emotionally abusive than I ever realized. The sadness that sometimes hits me now, is not that he no longer wants to be with me, it's that I don't understand why I want to be with him.
Keep yourself busy, it passes the time, not painlessly of course, but functioning within a group or even by yourself will help. If you don't have a job, get one. If you have lots of extra time, volunteer. Stay active. I know this is the pot calling the kettle black, but I always feel better at work, when I'm out of our house, and away from anything that reminds me of him.
It hit me this morning he is a coward. He acts like some sort of action man, but never follows things through. He does the easy bit, buys the equipment, reads the magazines, but never sees anything through. He did it with climbing, fishing, rally driving....talked big but never followed through. He has done the same with our marriage, talked big about love and commitment, but only did the easy bit....as soon as it got tough and needed work and effort,he bailed. He didn't even have the nerve to do it on his own....he made sure he had a safety net....he went from me to her.....he didn't have the guts to talk to me about how he was feeling, he even let me find out about her from her husband...
Re: Its really happening 
