I have been with my stbx for 13years, married 9years. I left him last september after a few difficult years of trying to fix our marriage problems on my own. My biggest issues where my H has anger issues / stress issues and spent very little time with me or our children. We split up back in early 2007 for nearly a year we lived separated, we attended marriage conselling in this time and the consellor suggested my husband attend addiction counselling and anger management. I was and still am in my own therapy and have been since 2004. We moved back in together and with in 8weeks he was losing the head at the small stuff and i was very concerned that things would go down hill again he never followed through with either counselling and we where back to square one again , me sat in the family room hanging out with the children and him in the study infront of the computer hiding from life, he made a token hi hows your day when he came how from work and headed straight for the computer where he could spend all night sometimes staying up until 4/5am , on these night when he came in from work we just slept , i was very frustrated and full of resentments and anger.
I tried many times to connect with him suggesting family events, night out for us , time alone ect all which he refused. I tried to talk to him about how i felt and that our marriage needed two people working on it. When i told him i was leaving he asked me not to go but made no attempt to adapt or change, he said i always put pressure on him. When i left i left relief,i was no longer walking on egg shells and i felt indifferent to him. I felt i had already gone through the emotions of my marraige ending as i watch it die infront of my very eyes and had no control over it.
After several months of separating, settling into my new home and going through the hard and upsetting reality that it was well and truely over i met up with a male friend that i had no seen in many years, it was never intended to lead to anything but there was an attraction and we started an intimate relationship , i kept it personal and private for some time and when i felt the time was right i told my ex. needless to say he was devasted, we had blazing rows, which sometimes were witnessed by our children. I felt it best to end things with my "friend" as i felt i needed to be on good terms with my ex for the sake of the kids. Also i did not want to hurt my ex and it was very soon for me too - i didnt want to rush into another relationship.
My ex started to explain to me that he wasnt over me and felt he never would be , he still loved me and never wanted me to go (for had he not told me that when i was in the process of leaving). to cut a long story short he started to provide emotional support and strangely he was very supportive when i was ending "my affair" we started meeting up for coffee and the drop off with the children time extended to sometimes i wouldnt leave and we would be there as a family for a few hours then sometimes i would get a sitter and go and hang out we would watch a movie, sometimes we would have sex but not always
the current situation is we are still living apart, there is some emotional connection - he will call sometimes how is your day ect. and he will hug me and show me affection when the children are not looking, i would like to think he was using me for sex so i could have a reason to hate him and walk away but we havent had sex for over 7weeks so its not that.
Infact he doesnt call that much anymore, but when i am there dropping the children off he will tell me he loves me and is so glad he hasnt lost me completely - I feel like i am living in limbo not separated /not in a relationship. He has told me he was a terrible husband and father and since i left he take the children at weekends and i am happy to say he has worked hard on forming relationships with them. So he can see the error of his ways for want of a better expression, but what i dont see is that this is going anywhere and its causing me upset and distress , i am starting to feel as frustrated as i was in the marriage, infact we has got more issues now as he started using drugs again (cannabis) which i dont agree with as i had a former addiction to weed and i am 6years clean and sober, he has also taken on more work on a website. so if anything he has gotten worse
I am well aware of the fact i cant change him and i dont see any action by him on addressing any of his issues and make our marriage work, infact he seems to be having his cake and eating it, now he can do what he wants and i am here raising our kids. I have arranged a time to meet with him next week , he knows its coming and i also know he fears "talks" and i dont blame him , i tried so many times to talk our relationship on to the right track, but next wednesday its talk time. I just wish i knew what i was going to say - i am so confused half of me just wants out and to move on with my life and cut these emotional ties -i have been fosusing on myself, i go out with friends, i go to regular 12step meetings , i have a good relationship with myself and i dont mind being on my own, I have a full life separate from him but then i have the denial part that wants my marriage to work and our family to be back together.
If you are this stressed out and you're not even living together- i think you have the answer. He's not even calling you. Its pretty clear, on the outside, that he's not that interested in giving you what you need. I personally dont think you even need to have another talk. He's just going to tell you what you want to hear, you'll get in a whirl of frustration again, and you'll be back where you're at in a few months. These talks are part of your vicious cycle with him; they keep you emotional entranced with him, making you unable to let go. You've made it clear to him what you need numerous times and he's showing you that he's not going to change. Maybe he literally cant give you what you need even if he wanted to. who knows. Move on with your life. he knows where you are. if he's really interested he knows how to find you.
thanks for the reply. I am just really hurting right now, i dont understand that he sais he loves me and doesnt want me in his actions. When we lived together he was so selfish and that hasnt changed, i feel like i am clinging on to crumbs. I wake up every morning and he is my first thought , i just cant shake this, i am consumed with thoughts of us and our relationship. Half the time i dont feel like i am living in the now because i am in my head , thinking. Others had noticed too, I am not "in". I suppose i wanted to have a chat with him to ask him how he felt so i can make my decision to back off based on that. so confused
i feel like i am clinging on to crumbs. I wake up every morning and he is my first thought , i just cant shake this, i am consumed with thoughts of us and our relationship.
I hear ya. i have been there with my H. i became so consumed with the drama in my relationship. i was a mess. but that is a huge part of the problem.
You can be OK without him. You might want to try reading about codependency. Right now, if you keep repeating this vicious cycle with him, what do you have to look forward to? You know what happens when you talk to him. you've been living it for years. Why not face your fears and see if things dont work out better in the long run. Just stop talking to him. let go of your fantasy.
when i went to drop the kids with his last night he asked me if we could talk ....
He told me he is scared of getting close to me because he is not ready to go back into the conventional marriage of living together, he said he is scared i would get bored and frustrated again and leave him , he also said that he loves me and does not want me to give up on "us". but living together as a family is too stressful for him, he cant cope with the children ( we have 3 kids , eldest 16 has adhd and our 11year old has aspergers/adhd/dsyprexia and youngest 3 is currently being assessed for aspergers also) i can undrestand that he cant cope , i couldnt cope either it was far to stressful us all living in the same small house and neither of us got a break when we where together , his way of no coping was to withdrawn and i carried his slack ,and i was left resentful and exusted. however since i moved out we both have time to breath. he takes the girls from friday 6pm until sunday 1pm and then works monday to friday he also has mid week access on the wednesday 6-8pm.
So he has preposed that we work together in making a connection for "us" he wants us to hang out and go to the movies ect and work on being friends and supporting each others emotional needs, i quizzed him on the "friends" comment and he agreed he wants more than friends and is ok with no sexual relationship as he doesnt want me to think its about sex - he sais he doesnt what to lose me ever and also he doesnt know at this point if he wants us to live together - so that isnt an end goal for now but he wants to see where it goes. He has his own issues which he is well aware of and i need to protect myself emotionally by having my own space.
I think i am ok with this, i dont want to go rushing in head first trying to make the conventional marriage setting of living together work -that setting is too stressful for us both and we are happier apart. i am happy in my own space, i have my friends and my own life goals - i am starting college in september, changing my career.