ODR

I’m looking for some help and advice.

My partner and I have been together for over 2 years having left our previous marriages (it was her second marriage). I moved in with her and her 3 children, leaving my x-wife and 2 children (aged 14 & 18) after 21 years of marriage.

We have gone through some difficult times with both x partners trying their hardest to split us up but have survived the worst, or so I thought.

2 weeks ago we had a row regarding my commitment to the relationship. My children and my parents have not accepted my split from my x-wife (we are not divorced yet) and have refused to meet my new partner and this has now caused problems in my new relationship.

My new partner and her children mean everything to me and I love her with all of my heart and she knows that. But she has asked for me to give her time and space to get her head straight. I have had to move out and I am living with my parents, some 30 miles away. My parents have seen what effect this has had on me and accept that they are partly to blame. They have agreed to meet my partner and I have told her this.

I have found it difficult to give her the space as I love her so much and have sent her flowers and text messages to tell her how much I love her and miss her and I have told her that I am fully committed to our relationship whatever the cost, but I seem to be making it worse.

What makes it worse is that over the last 2 weeks she has been in contact with her husband (who lives only 2 miles away) and they have talked about what went wrong with their relationship and he has been supporting her during the last 2 weeks. Over the last two years he has been abusive and threatening and has upset my partner on a number of occasions. He filed for divorce 4 weeks ago on the grounds of being apart for 2 years and the papers have gone to court. He has a girlfriend, but he lives with his parents.

My partner has said that she wants time to get her head straight and after talking to her husband she feels guilty for all the hurt that she caused him and has thought about making it up to him as she feels that he has changed. He says that he doesn’t want her back as he doesn’t want to get hurt again and is in a new relationship. But he is also playing on her vunerable state and giving her mixed messages. Only 3 weeks ago he was threatening not paying maintenance and splitting her children up but now he is saying all the right things as I know that he still loves her. He has texted her and e-mailed her all through the time we have been together.

Although she wants space from me, she is still allowing her husband contact while she gets her head straight.

I just don’t know what to do. She has told me not to give up on her but has demanded the space and time to find the part of her that’s missing but all the time I keep thinking that she is trying to resolve things with her husband, keeping me hanging on if it fails. She knows how I feel and desperately want to be back in her life but I just don’t know what to do or how long I should give her. Help!!

JustCallMeGirl

Unfortunately this is the type of thing that can happen when a new relationship starts before a marriage is dissolved. Her husband, if he is/was in fact abusive, is doing what abusers do and that is manipulate her in whatever way possible to have that control over her whether he really wants her back or not (I'm learning this now in my own life). As difficult as it may be for you, you have to give her this space and time. You've told her how you feel now give her what she's asking otherwise it's just added pressure and it could push her away. She has to fully address things with her husband and resolve the issues there whether they actually divorce or not anyway. This is really the only way she can be fully healthy emotionally to have a healthy relationship with you. It would not be a good idea for her to be with you and then always ask herself what-if's in regards to her current marriage. She has to be over the guilt, pain, etc. In the meanwhile, you should focus on you and what is best for you outside of her. You don't have any control over her choices but you do have control over what you do for yourself.

ODR

I really appreciate you taking the time to answer me and thank you for the kind advice.

I want to show her that I still love her and have realised that the only way I can do this is to go along with her request to give her space. I feel so lonely though, but have to be strong and not text her.

At the moment I cant think of not having her in my life, but as you say I have to think that if the pull to her husband is so strong then better to know now as our relationship wouldn’t have survived.

I just wish that somebody could tell her that she should have time away from both of us as he is certainly making the most of our situations and pushing all the right buttons, and remember all of the reasons why we got together in the first place.

Fingers crossed