Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 08:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

thanks to all for the replies they are truly appreciated and helpful.

Todays update:

No contact still since last Friday. Im sure its easy for her as she has the OM to fall back on. Honestly its been easy for me as well. I haven't had even an urge to call or text.

reconnected with an old friend whos been really helpful during this time. there's something there between us but both realize now is not the time to explore that.


Few things I have been thinking that have pushed me to be angrier:

Found out she saw a lawyer in September.

She then proceeded to go on 3 trips with me, spend thousands of dollars on new clothes and would have sat back and took Christmas gifts. Who does that???

Something that's irked me, that's all.

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post #17 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 08:28 AM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

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reconnected with an old friend whos been really helpful during this time. there's something there between us but both realize now is not the time to explore that.
Be extremely careful of this - it's extremely likely that you are projecting the feelings for your STBX on to this "old friend" of yours.

Now is not the time to form any emotional ties with anyone of the opposite sex.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy
Read about Codependency

Get right with yourself, understand yourself. Splitting from a spouse requires a long and arduous journey to better yourself. If you don't you'll be back here before you can say "Another divorce?". I don't know if anyone has pointed out, but at least 50% of the responsibility of the breakdown of your marriage lies with you - you need to find out why, and work to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Don't look for someone else to fill the blanks of your life - this is a recipe for disaster, and it's a major reason that I am here instead of looking forward to going home and banging my wife tonight.

And the sun will rise, dawn will break through the blackest night, distant in it's glow, this shall pass, be still and know.
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post #18 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 08:31 AM
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Oh thats normal. Mine had me pay for a $600 spa weekend for her and her gf (supposedly) so she could relax and think things thru. Then at least $1000 worth of new clothes over 8 months, not to mention all the nice extra gifts I bought her.

she had no problem taking it all while lying.

Mine was super secretive with her cell phone and pulled it off our joint plan. When I tried putting my foot down and asking for answerd about this OM (she lied about who he was, etc...) and access to her phone records, suddenly I was emotionally abusive. Then she went for a month to an abuse victim counselor. I felt terrible, asked her if I should seek help for this problem of mine, then she said no. ??? If it is so bad shouldnt she have said yes?

Then aftet I filed for D initially she came back and said she couldnt do it to the kids. But then refused to do MC because the counselor was biased to me. Ok so lets go do MC with the counselor you were seeing. Nope! Wouldnt do that either.

There is so much more I could go into. My point is you NEED accept she is a lying POS right now. You love who she was, but that person has been body snatched by the devil.

Accept it, protect yourself, put up some serious boundaries, and 180 her NOW! File her memory under "never again."

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post #19 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 08:37 AM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

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Oh thats normal. Mine had me pay for a $600 spa weekend for her and her gf (supposedly) so she could relax and think things thru. Then at least $1000 worth of new clothes over 8 months, not to mention all the nice extra gifts I bought her.
For me, my STBXW actually maxed out her credit card on a shopping spree of new clothes for both me and her. Of course I had no idea that she was planning on leaving.

And the sun will rise, dawn will break through the blackest night, distant in it's glow, this shall pass, be still and know.
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post #20 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 08:40 AM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

Unbe, I can also relate to your story. I am at the end of my 2nd M and will be filing for D very soon. I tried to make my M work after finding out she cheated on me 2 years ago. I worked very hard for 2 years to make it work as she travels a lot for her work and would also get text msgs that made no since.

I will agree it is hard as to this day I would fix my marriage but all i get from her is "and this is why I just can't see if fixing". So know that you are not alone in this and many of us have very similair situation as yours.
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post #21 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 08:46 AM
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Hey at least you got something out of her as she spent you dry. Mine just spent it only on herself.

Also nothing they say or do will make any sense from here on out. That much I promise you. They will ping pong all over the place. If they were a sane person you could apply some logic and figure it out. But at this point crazy is at the helm. They are borderline sociopaths letting emotions dictate every life changing event.

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post #22 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 09:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

First contact has been made by her

She had some logistical questions regarding bills and picking up some packages that were here.

Do I answer this email? If so how do I respond?

Do I simply right back asking where are the divorce papers?
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post #23 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 09:41 AM
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So she said she was going to file divorce? Has she? If she hasnt then you need to and have HER served. Do NOT tell her you are doing this or discuss in advance. You are a man and moving on with your life today.

What are the bill questions she has? And what is she asking for in the home? Did she take a bunch of stuff when she moved out?

The day after my wife moved out with all her clothes, furniture, etc... I sent her a certified letter informing her that my home is now private property since she no longer resides here.. She and anyone else is barred from coming on the property and from removing any of its contents.

Are you on joint checking? I guess I would not reply unless it is in YOUR interest to do so. If she has bill questions it isnt your job to help her figure it out anymore. She should have thought of that hefpre leaving.

AS far as the stuff she is asking for, if its her childhood stuff or something you can set it on the front porch or something. But I wouldnt let her in the home again. Period.

Unfortunately I am a newbie yet to all of this. Maybe Conrad or Regroup will get on here to comment. I may be giving bad advice... they are much more experienced. Sit tight and no contact until more people get on this post.

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post #24 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 09:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

Thanks cbnero

She took everything that was hers. She had some packages delivered which I gave to a mutual friend who was going to see her family this weekend.

I'll wait to here from some others. I'm leaning towards no response.
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post #25 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 09:52 AM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

Nero is right on the money on this. Unless the bills have to do with you directly (affect your credit, etc.), I wouldn't respond at all.

Everything else he said is right on the money too. I would no longer let her set foot in the house (I don't with mine either). File for D and have HER served... don't wait around on her to do it. Show her you are a man to be reckoned with.

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post #26 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 10:02 AM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

1.) Separate your finances. Close all joint accounts. Cancel all joint credit cards.

2.) Change the locks on your home.

3.) Retain legal counsel. Start the D paperwork.

From what you've told us so far, this should be an easy D. No kids, and only 2 years means no alimony, most likely.

Get it done as quickly as possible to minimize any drama.

"A healthy choice to enforce boundaries by walking away from a dysfunctional relationship has more to do with recognizing the likeliest outcomes than with wanting to punish or retaliate against one's wayward spouse."

-TAM member Moxy
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post #27 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 10:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

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1.) Separate your finances. Close all joint accounts. Cancel all joint credit cards.

2.) Change the locks on your home.

3.) Retain legal counsel. Start the D paperwork.

From what you've told us so far, this should be an easy D. No kids, and only 2 years means no alimony, most likely.

Get it done as quickly as possible to minimize any drama.
already done with the exception of the paperwork which will be coming in the new year.

what do you mean most likely no alimony. I live in NY, I thought there wasn't alimony in NY. She works full time...
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post #28 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 10:29 AM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

Has she been sleeping with this other man ? I couldn't tell for sure from your posts ?

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
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post #29 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 10:32 AM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

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Has she been sleeping with this other man ? I couldn't tell for sure from your posts ?
If she wasn't, she might as well have been. It sure sounded like she was to me - especially the 'smirk' when confronted with it.
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post #30 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 10:36 AM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

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If she wasn't, she might as well have been. It sure sounded like she was to me - especially the 'smirk' when confronted with it.
Agreed - I saw a similar smirk from my STBXW years ago when she had an EA and I confronted her about it. Shortly after that it got physical. Why oh why did I fight so hard to win her back? Live and learn.

And the sun will rise, dawn will break through the blackest night, distant in it's glow, this shall pass, be still and know.
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