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Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

294K views 2K replies 62 participants last post by  Chuck71 
#1 ·
Heres my story....

I have been divorced once already now about to enter into my second. The women I am married to now is the first person I met after my previous divorce. Both have lasted only 2 years (im 36)

When I first met my second wife, things couldn't have been better. I thought I had met my soul mate, she was everything I have ever imagined. We lived together for 2 years prior to getting engaged. These two years were perfect.

We got engaged and things started to get a little strange. I had a feeling that she may have been cheating on me ( I am insecure in nature). I did find some emails back and forth to an old boyfriend that seems harmless enough so I never addressed it.

We got married a year later and that's when the problems started. Almost a 6 months into the marriage she started complaining that I needed to change how I acted. That I wasn't 'nice' When I asked for examples she couldn't give me any. We wouldn't argue about it much but I did hear it often. Now I had asked her if I had changed from when we first met and she said no.

Anyway, moving forward things got progressively worse. She used to be the most affectionate person who would latch onto me like a leach. After about a year of marriage this dissipated to barley touching me at all. I had to initiate all contact.

She used to want to cook all the time, that stopped. Cleaning stopped. We have a dog toghther, she stopped caring for him.

She travled for work a previously however the trips seemd to pick up at the beginning of this year. The text message went unanswered for hours, same as phone calls.

One night she had got home from a business trip and went to bed as she was exacusted from traveling. I wsnt tired and decided to watch some tv in the other room. Her phone went off with a text from a guy she works with asking "how was the rest of your night". Now the text itself seemd harmless enough but the fact the there was no history behind the message started putting up red flags.

I did some digging and noticed mutilple calls and text message while she was away to this guy (also while I was asleep). Instead of comfronting her about this I decided to start ptrying to see if she wanted out (first mistake). This was in Feburary. We started talking and she said I wasn't the person she thought and wanted out. I asked her to tell me when was needed, how can I fix this. I was in scramble mode to try and make this marriage work. She said she needed time to figure things out so I moved out.

I was out for a week and during this time I was watching to see if she would contact him, which she did. That night we were separated she was with him!!! I tried to convienence myself that maybe she was breaking it off or maybe he really was just a friend.

After the week she asked me to come home and she wanted to work on it. We started marriage consuling

During the consuling she had descrbied how I needed to change, that I didn't like to do the same things she did. She did feel financially secure because we lived a very fly by the moment life (5-6 trips per year, shopping sprees). Mind you these were the exact things she loived about me just a year ago.

So I started to change, I made drastic changes. So drastic to the point the our therapist wanted to write a book about it. I did everything I could to be the man she wanted be to be now. Even though it was against my will.

Things were good for a few months. We had moved out of our place for a few mnths to live near the beach for the summer and had a great few months,

The second we came back to our home things got worse. (We live in the city and she works a few blocks away, with him). My suspensions started up again that she had reconnected with him.

Before you new it we stopped going to therapy (she refused to go as she thought the therapist was on my side). Things went back to the way there were at the beginning of the year.

I comforted her about it two months ago and said I wasn't happy. She said she didn't want to work on it because we are too different and she didn't thinkg therapy would work. I explained that this was a marriage and we need to give it every chance, lets go to another theaprist. She said ok and would research it, that never happened.

Travleing started again, we went on some trips toghther ( I had a business trip she met me on and we had our anniversary so we went away for that). Things were ok, not great.

She had went on a trip for work about a month ago, when she came back all touching stopped. I mean all touching....

She would wait till I went to bed then she went to sleep

All the signs, I couldn't ignore it anymore

I comforted her again saying I wasn't happy but still wanted to work on it. She said now she wanted a divorce, it cant be worked on. I then did confront her about the text/phone calls and she just smirked.

I said ok, and told her to leave. She has moved out.

She is supposed to be sending me the paperwork however I haven't recieve it yet. I have not spoken with her since she left.

That brings us to the present. I am angry on so many levels, even typing this makes me angrier. I am also sad that I have another failed marriage.

I am waiting for her to send paperwork which seems dumb, should I just send her? We don't have kids or own property so its not going to be messy. I think I don't want to send it because I don't want it to be over although I know it needs to end.

I keep going back to the person I met and how I would give anything and do anything to be with that person. I also realize that person is never coming back.

Thank you for reading my long rant....Any feedback/advice is greatly appreciated.
 
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#183 ·
final draft?

All,

As many of you know stbx and I's marriage is coming to an end. I have no doubt that you have heard the reason for this marriage ending is all my fault. Where I do take responsibility for my demise in the marriage (co dependecy issues, etc...) I can assure you stbx is not without fault. Attached you will find phone records from when stbx was in xxx during a work retreat. Within these records you a can see a total of 143 text message between herself and a number whom I have confirmed to be a co-worker posom.

When I confronted stbx about this number she told me it was someone else. Clear patterns of deception are evident in the thousands of texts, hours of late-night phone calls, and her unexplained absences.

When we first separated on that Sunday night in April. stbx did visit posom at his house and stayed until 3:00am.

You will take this information and formulate your own judgements.
 
#186 ·
Update

I have had rough couple of days. I reached out to stbx in moment of weakness and got crushed.

I feel very alone. She told me she left because I was mean and condescending. Perhaps I was but I don't see how that gives someone the right to have an EA.

I'm sure that's just the excuse she's using but it really hit me hard.

These set backs are brutal.

I am worried I won't meet anyone. I am worried that I can't be in a successful marriage.

I am worried I'm going to end up alone fore ever.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#187 · (Edited)
I am worried I won't meet anyone. I am worried that I can't be in a successful marriage.

I am worried I'm going to end up alone fore ever.
Posted via Mobile Device
Do not worry about tomorrow, there's enough to worry about today. The birds find food to eat every day. Aren't you stronger and smarter than a bird? Does worrying add time to your life and make you live longer? If you were with your wife right now, wouldn't you still be alone? You might be with her, but emotionally she's gone so you would be alone. You're better off being away from the one who has created all these problems.

You are not going through this alone. I'm going through it too. The end result is the same: she don't want me, and I can't change that. Can't wait for the divorce to be finalized so all of this nonsense will stop and I can start the next chapter.

Be patient. It gets better. Think. Common sense and reflection can be revealing. If she loved you, you wouldn't be where you are now.

I have no idea how it will turn out for either of us. But I know this: in my case it was the best gift she ever gave me. Thank the Lord it happened now and not 10 years from now.

I can't even guarantee that either of us will ever know about that fabled moment when the offending spouse realizes they've made a colossal mistake. They may not ever have it. And if they do, it won't matter by then if we know about it. Because we know now.

But we won't have any problems finding new women. Since we're older and wiser, we'll be able to enjoy our freedom more as we choose a new partner with discretion.
 
#189 ·
The contact I made was an attempt to start a R prior to filing. It was a poor attempt I see now and not one that I should be making.

I know by her response that she doesn't love me. No one who loves someone would talk like that to them and show 0 remorse.

My question is, how do I accept this? How do I accept that the same person who showed the most amount of love I have ever seen now seemingly hates me and literally nothing about 'me' changed from the day we met?
 
#190 ·
.
My question is, how do I accept this? How do I accept that the same person who showed the most amount of love I have ever seen now seemingly hates me and literally nothing about 'me' changed from the day we met?
You don't have much of a choice but to accept it.

She's not the same person she once was.

You didn't change - she did. It has nothing to do with you.

You are asking the wrong questions.

What you should be asking is: Why do I care about this person? What in me allows myself to go back to this form of abuse?

GutPunch suggested some books - Have you started reading them?
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#196 ·
so during my moment of weakness and after her inital response I had then asked for an opportunity to meet in person so that I can articulate what I was trying to say better. (she had claimed my email wasnt very clear).

I received a response late last night (about 30 hours after I sent my email) saying she would be willing to meet this week.

Why is it I get this feeling that this may be a very bad idea? However I also get this feeling that if I dont go, I will never let myself live it down..
 
#198 ·
it is a horrible idea

in your current state, best to avoid face to face

either re-send email in more simple terms or

do not re-send at all

you are going through a grieving process

completely normal

at 50k you will see her actions clear

ReGroups thread is full of QL trying to bait him in

you are simply giving your stbx exactly what she wants

and view her reaction when it does not turn out

the way she planned....it rarely does
 
#200 ·
The emails that have been gone back and forth are as follows: I am so confused....

STBX,

Over the past month I have done some serious soul searching. I have been going to counseling, reading books about co-dependency, personality disorders and numerous self help books. I am doing things to better myself for ME. I realize that the changes I made previously I did for you and they would never stick unless I was all in. This is the reason why in haven't contacted you. I needed time to start to work on me and identify myself without distraction.

I do realize why you seeked out attention from someone else, to fill a void that I wasn't giving you. Although I am not ok with it I do understand why it
happened.

Look, I understand we are different, we have been different for a very long time. There are things we can do to come to a common ground on our differences and find things we can enjoy together but we both need to be willing to work on it. I am telling you today, I am. Honestly, a month ago I did not know how to do this. Today I am telling you, I have a better understanding of what this entails.

I am not suggesting we move back in. I am suggesting that we should at least give this the chance it deserves. We didn't really do that over the past 6 months.

We both gave up a lot to be together 6 years ago. I remember the feeling we had for each other back then, when I went to Houston and the joy i saw in your face the moment we met in the airport. Then the sorrow you had when I left. Those feelings where real, I believe those feelings are still there.

Before we go down this road of no return, don't you feel that we owe it to ourselves to try and give this a real effort?

I have an appointment with the laywer on Monday. Before I go through with this I want to suggest the following.

I suggest we give this 3 months. You continue to live by yourself as well as me. We start therapy and go as often as needed. We will both research to find a therapist we feel comfortable with. If we have to go to a few before we find someone we are comfortable with, so be it. During this time, we will cut off contact to anyone who is 'bad' for the marriage. This includes any outside influence who isn't positively supporting us. We truly invest
all of our energy to see if this is worth saving. I believe its absolutely is. If after this time we don't see progress, we walk away with no regrets knowing it just wasn't meant to be. If we do see progress then we extend for another period of time, we can discuss it at that time.

Also, we talk to each other as we feel comfortable. See each other as we feel comfortable. Ease back into this part. Try and start to re-establish mutual respect and trust. Take this slowly

If you feel that there are other concessions I am leaving out please suggest them. If you would rather talk about this face to face, we can do that as well.

This past month as been very eye opening for me. I lost someone who is very important to me, someone who I haven't given what she deserved (although I didn't see that until I started looking into me). I am still the same guy who would do anything to protect you from pain. Now, I feel like I am the guy who will do anything to be your partner, not your 'husband' in the archaic sense of the word.

You haven't filed yet, there has to be a reason for this?

We have a tough road ahead, I know it is easier to run away than to fight. It is not in me to run, I am a fighter but I can not do this alone. I need your help. Fight with me, fight for us, fight for the happiness we are so very close to. I can see it...I can see past this speed bump. Are you willing to see it also???

I love you. I have since the day we met.

She then responded with this:

OP,

It wasn't easy to respond to this email, which seems to be riddled in double entendres. I am sure you can imagine that after your text last week I was very surprised to read this.

I am not sure if this email was intended to woo me back but it came across as yet another ultimatum, laden with yet more of your false accusations that I have been succumbing to since you first decided I did not respond to my text messages quickly enough.

You have to understand that I was tired of being sad. I was tired of being with someone who was mean and condescending. I tried to tell you I deserved to be treated better but you told me my standards were "too high". I'm sorry, but I don't think so. I know I deserve better, even if that means being alone. I left you for myself, and no one else. The quicker you realize that, the quicker you will find peace.

I'm glad you are seeking help for yourself and wish you nothing but happiness in life.

STBX

My Response:

STBX,

I'm sorry you took my email as an ultimatum. I was concerned sending this communication through email and had drafted and re drafted it for days. It wasn't my intention at all for this to come across as an ultimatum.

You had mentioned you would be willing to see me and talk to me about anything. Perhaps I can better articulate this in person. I am coming to you at this time with an open mind and heart, no other way.

Would you be willing to meet me?

Her response:

Sure, that offer still stands and always will.

I have a conference this week but can meet you for coffee on Wednesday or Thursday*after work.*


Guys, why I am all over the place?
 
#201 ·
Do not mention again. If she inquires about it, ignore it. Your situation is somewhat similar to mine. Did she actually bring up these accusations? Or did she expect you to read her mind?

When you send something as this, to her it shows you as being weak. You must go NC and work on yourself. No matter if you ignored her sometimes or drank (or read books, etc) this was NOT 100% your fault. She wants you to think it is, to mask her own guilt. She is re-writing history to make her look pristine and you a sack of chit.

Talk less, do more.....work on yourself

no need to try and win her back

let's say you did

would you trust her?

when she notices your new attitude,

she will be attracted to you

what happens then.....is up to you

but right now she is broken

and only she can fix it

if she seeks a R, trust me, she WILL let you know
 
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#208 ·
Do not mention again. If she inquires about it, ignore it. Your situation is somewhat similar to mine. Did she actually bring up these accusations? Or did she expect you to read her mind?

She did in the past mention how I was mean and how we were different. I tried to be as nice as possible and do things that she liked, obviously It wasn't enough.

When you send something as this, to her it shows you as being weak. You must go NC and work on yourself. No matter if you ignored her sometimes or drank (or read books, etc) this was NOT 100% your fault. She wants you to think it is, to mask her own guilt. She is re-writing history to make her look pristine and you a sack of chit.

Talk less, do more.....work on yourself

no need to try and win her back

let's say you did

would you trust her?

If she agreed to therapy and i saw progress. At some point I could. Without that, no b
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#202 ·
in your state it takes one year separation to file D

file for separation, show her you mean business

after you file, watch what she does, not what she says

be stronger and recapture your life

trust me, she will take notice
 
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#206 ·
My 1st love and I parted ways in 1990....I begged and pleaded her to stay

she did not, I got on with my life,found a new gal and had a blast

about time I started really liking her, guess who came storming back?

My 2nd love and I parted ways in 1993....I begged and pleaded her to stay

she did not, I got on with my life,found a new gal and had a blast

about time I started really liking her, guess who came storming back?

My X and I parted ways in 2012....I begged and pleaded her to stay

she did not, I got on with my life,found a new gal and had a blast

about time I started really liking her, guess who came storming back?

The difference is.....I got back with 1st and 2nd...neither were ever the same

the 1st ended in January 1991, 2nd December 1996

I wasted so much time thinking "it is better the second time"

my X.....I never looked back....she was broken long before I met her

her mother and I protected her. her mother died and I held her accountable

much more than she did....

when she sees your strength, she will be impressed

what I will say is, day will come she will wish to return

what YOU have to do is be past where you are now

and be clear headed, strong. When she returns, you will ask

yourself, "What is in this for me?"
 
#214 ·
Wow! GP goes Tom Arnold!

wait....Arnold Palmer

:D
 
#217 ·
Her last message to you was crock full of pity. She was not attracted to the long needy we-need-to-fight-for-us letter. If you ignore her that is action, i.e, you are not begging to be with her. If you file for divorce, it may actually shock her into reconsidering her position.

The best thing you can do is stick to the 180/no contact.

Go to the gym and work out. Post pictures of yourself looking happy and successful on Fakebook. People believe it. I have a picture of 15 or 16 half naked women crowded round, hugging me. It makes me look like a very desirable guy. But it was a PR photo opportunity rather than some deep friendship.

My ex is not big on FB but if she looked at the picture, it would make her think.
 
#219 ·
From what you told me, definite EA, very possible PA

when will you stop making excuses in her defense

you have said many times you think it went PA

Honestly, I think you are 98% sure you know the answer

her mother is on marriage #3, her father was bi polar

she had issues on multiple levels, long before she met you

as Group said, the woman you met, was an imposter
 
#220 ·
Unbe you are doing this to yourself. She is done and gone. Worry about your own mental health first, it isnt your job to fix her or anyone else.

No contact means no contact my friend. She doesn't love you, she definitely isn't your friend. Quit treating her like one she is a cheating pos. That is her legacy. Treat her accordingly.

Why would you want her back then? You deserve better and until you stand up and respect yourself first you will continue to subject yourself to me abuse, heartbreak, and brain dmg.

I know what you are feeling but you need to get to 50k and start making different decisions.

F her!!!!

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#221 ·
unbe,

When you get right yourself you are going to look back at those emails and laugh.

"What was I thinking?"

I read 3 lines of it and I cringed. It triggered me.

I wrote something like that in 10/12. I'm going to go into my gmail archives, look mine up and laugh at myself.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#222 · (Edited)
unbe, these guys are giving you solid advice. I also pitifully mucked around in the hope game looking for the sparkly unicorn of possible reconciliation with my broken WAW.

The results:

I wasted time.
I got nowhere.
I allowed myself to be used.
I allowed myself to be crushed (time and time again).
I allowed myself to be humiliated.
I allowed myself to get hurt.

Any of that sound familiar?

I highly recommend you keep NC. Do not chase Unicorns. This situation is happening to you. You didn't want this. We all understand this as none of us did. We are here, though. We all have been where you are. Many of us have come a long way by letting go of crazy and started taking care of ourselves. It's time for you to get on board, my friend.

here to support.

HL
 
#223 ·
gents all makes sense...i met with my pastor yesterday (the one who married us) and he was word for word saying what you guys are. I think that snapped me back into reality!

Hearing it from him is a real eye opener. I have made an appt with my lawyer for 1/22 and its time to push this through. I am going NC and 180 again ( I was doing so good up until last week...)

I can feel a little tingling down there...i think they may be growing back :smthumbup:
 
#224 ·
:smthumbup:

have an imported beer from Congo

glad you are back to reality

focus.....learn.....incorporate learned material

midterms are two weeks after filing
 
#230 ·
Next few days aren't going to be easy. Supposed to meet her after a month of not seeing her once and instead I'm going NC.

Going to need your help staying on point!
Posted via Mobile Device
 
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