Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 01:49 PM Thread Starter
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Read GutPunch's Journal - it's another good one.
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Link?
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post #62 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 02:03 PM
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I am not overwieght nor a smoker. You say she cheated if seems? Does the evidence prove this fact
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When I read your first post I saw many red flags.

When you read enough first entries they scream out to the veteran reader.
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post #63 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 03:21 PM Thread Starter
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When I read your first post I saw many red flags.

When you read enough first entries they scream out to the veteran reader.
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Altough it was never admited and likely never to be admitted I feel it's a certainty and fits the patterns of many here.

Do you have a link to that thread?
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post #64 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 03:24 PM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

Gutpunch's Journal

He started his journey 11/12.
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post #65 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 05:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

Some more thoughts

I always felt she had one foot out the door. Always been walking on eggshells.

We really have nothing in common, I tried to be a camelion. She never did.

Sex hasn't been good for a few years.

Seems that hour by hour, day by day I am getting more and more numb towards this.
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post #66 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 06:53 PM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

You ask what proof there is of cheating. It is circumstanial. However, if you read enough threads about infidelity you will find that your gut was shouting in alarm in response to a pattern that is repeated over and over in relationships as they succumb to infidelity.

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Heres my story....

I have been divorced once already now about to enter into my second. The women I am married to now is the first person I met after my previous divorce. Both have lasted only 2 years (im 36)

When I first met my second wife, things couldn't have been better. I thought I had met my soul mate, she was everything I have ever imagined. We lived together for 2 years prior to getting engaged. These two years were perfect.

We got engaged and things started to get a little strange. I had a feeling that she may have been cheating on me ( I am insecure in nature). I did find some emails back and forth to an old boyfriend that seems harmless enough so I never addressed it.

We got married a year later and that's when the problems started. Almost a 6 months into the marriage she started complaining that I needed to change how I acted. That I wasn't 'nice' When I asked for examples she couldn't give me any. We wouldn't argue about it much but I did hear it often. Now I had asked her if I had changed from when we first met and she said no.

Sometimes this is a sign that cheating has started but it could be just a sign that her emotional needs were not being met. Did her discontent have any legitimate basis? That is not easy to determine, not knowing you better.

Anyway, moving forward things got progressively worse. She used to be the most affectionate person who would latch onto me like a leach. After about a year of marriage this dissipated to barley touching me at all. I had to initiate all contact.

She used to want to cook all the time, that stopped. Cleaning stopped. We have a dog toghther, she stopped caring for him.

She travled for work a previously however the trips seemd to pick up at the beginning of this year. The text message went unanswered for hours, same as phone calls.

One night she had got home from a business trip and went to bed as she was exacusted from traveling. I wsnt tired and decided to watch some tv in the other room. Her phone went off with a text from a guy she works with asking "how was the rest of your night". Now the text itself seemd harmless enough but the fact the there was no history behind the message started putting up red flags.

The rest of your night (after the great sex we had).

I did some digging and noticed mutilple calls and text message while she was away to this guy (also while I was asleep).

No woman in a relationship should have a secret correspondence/telephone hotline to a man other than her husband. Perhaps some women do have male friends from college or high school, but the communication with them is always open.

Instead of comfronting her about this I decided to start ptrying to see if she wanted out (first mistake). This was in Feburary. We started talking and she said I wasn't the person she thought and wanted out. I asked her to tell me when was needed, how can I fix this. I was in scramble mode to try and make this marriage work. She said she needed time to figure things out so I moved out.

I was out for a week and during this time I was watching to see if she would contact him, which she did. That night we were separated she was with him!!! I tried to convienence myself that maybe she was breaking it off or maybe he really was just a friend.

How do you know they were together?If they were togther they probably had sex. It was very bad for you to move out and enable her to have sex with him unimpeded. She surely lost even more respect for you.

After the week she asked me to come home and she wanted to work on it. We started marriage consuling

The fact you could not read her mind and know about the relationship with her friend probably heightened ther feeling that you did not know her inner soul. Had you, you would have confronted her. Instead she atttacked you to further justify her exit.

During the consuling she had descrbied how I needed to change, that I didn't like to do the same things she did. She did feel financially secure because we lived a very fly by the moment life (5-6 trips per year, shopping sprees). Mind you these were the exact things she loived about me just a year ago.

So I started to change, I made drastic changes. So drastic to the point the our therapist wanted to write a book about it. I did everything I could to be the man she wanted be to be now. Even though it was against my will.

Things were good for a few months. We had moved out of our place for a few mnths to live near the beach for the summer and had a great few months,

The second we came back to our home things got worse. (We live in the city and she works a few blocks away, with him). My suspensions started up again that she had reconnected with him.

Before you new it we stopped going to therapy (she refused to go as she thought the therapist was on my side). Things went back to the way there were at the beginning of the year.

Lying to you was easy. Lying to the therapist was harder.

I comforted her about it two months ago and said I wasn't happy. She said she didn't want to work on it because we are too different and she didn't thinkg therapy would work.

Different in what way? Values, life goals? Education? How about she wanted to pursue OM and you were in the way?

I explained that this was a marriage and we need to give it every chance, lets go to another theaprist. She said ok and would research it, that never happened.

Travleing started again, we went on some trips toghther ( I had a business trip she met me on and we had our anniversary so we went away for that). Things were ok, not great.

She had went on a trip for work about a month ago, when she came back all touching stopped. I mean all touching....

This happens when a woman has checked out and/or does not want to be unfaithful to her lover.

She would wait till I went to bed then she went to sleep

All the signs, I couldn't ignore it anymore

I comforted her again saying I wasn't happy but still wanted to work on it. She said now she wanted a divorce, it cant be worked on. I then did confront her about the text/phone calls and she just smirked.

She was embarrassed but not impressed that you never had the courage to confront her earlier.

I said ok, and told her to leave. She has moved out.

She is supposed to be sending me the paperwork however I haven't recieve it yet. I have not spoken with her since she left.

That brings us to the present. I am angry on so many levels, even typing this makes me angrier. I am also sad that I have another failed marriage.

You escaped being married to a cheater who did not respect you. You have won. Don't repeat this in your next relationship.

I am waiting for her to send paperwork which seems dumb, should I just send her? We don't have kids or own property so its not going to be messy. I think I don't want to send it because I don't want it to be over although I know it needs to end.

I keep going back to the person I met and how I would give anything and do anything to be with that person. I also realize that person is never coming back.

Thank you for reading my long rant....Any feedback/advice is greatly appreciated.
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post #67 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 07:14 AM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

Quote:
Originally Posted by unbe View Post
Altough it was never admited and likely never to be admitted I feel it's a certainty and fits the patterns of many here.

Do you have a link to that thread?
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I think Conrad mentioned ways to find out

keylogger, VAR under her seat, who pays the cell bill??

Unbe..... Zill and I started our journal a year ago

both of us saw the wife who walked out as a death blow

in the sense of abandonment

Zill knew his cheated, I never did...but it did not matter

there are certain lines one can not cross with me

and expect me to welcome them back

mine was actually over in Nov '12

although I was not able to admit it until Jan '13

one step at a time....

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #68 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 07:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuck71 View Post
I think Conrad mentioned ways to find out

keylogger, VAR under her seat, who pays the cell bill??

Unbe..... Zill and I started our journal a year ago

both of us saw the wife who walked out as a death blow

in the sense of abandonment

Zill knew his cheated, I never did...but it did not matter

there are certain lines one can not cross with me

and expect me to welcome them back

mine was actually over in Nov '12

although I was not able to admit it until Jan '13

one step at a time....

unfortunately its a little to late for all of this. she has already moved out, we have different cell bills and I have no access to the vehicle. I honestly dont need this has the gut feeling in my stomach along with the circumstantial eviendence prior (saw over 200 texts on the bill, over hour long phone calls while i was asleep or she was away, lieing about whos number it was, leing about where she was the night of our first separation) is enough for me!

Chuck, I feel the same abandonment and although I don't have concrete proof, I do know for sure that she 100% will bail when things get tough. That along with above is quickly becoming enough for me to never allow her back into my life again.

I want a fighter, not a quitter!

Last edited by unbe; 12-26-2013 at 07:34 AM.
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post #69 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 07:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

todays update:

every day that passes it gets a little better, i still think about her (the old her) but I am quickly reminded of the new her (the real her) and the things that I really dont want back.

If she called me today would I take her back, maybe....but not without some serious changes/work/admissions.

I do sense that the maybe is going to turn into a NO soon enough...
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post #70 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 07:44 AM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

if you can not trust her, you will never love her again

consider yourself lucky she is gone

LOL mine stayed at the house until D was final

I left

and I got the house

the cell was for you to clear your conscience

but if you have already set it in your mind

it would be pointless

12/11/12 was my low point

6/11/13 playing air guitar on deck with new gal

I look forward to reading your growth as spring nears


A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #71 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 09:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

ok quick question.

I have not recieved any paprwrok from stbxw nor to I except to see any (even through aparentely thats all she wants...)

Do I?

A) File with what I expect to happen and have her served?
B) Contact her and attempt to work hammer out this detail then just have a lawyer draw up the paperwork?
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post #72 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 09:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

Ok just received an email. do i respond?

They charged us cancellation fees for your phone and air card when you switched your carrier. I paid the overdue balance last month so they wouldn’t shut off my phone but I can’t afford to pay this and it’s due by Jan 7th. What do you want to do?

Im thinking no response, time to start handling her own business!
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post #73 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 10:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

thinking about this has a response...

What do I want to do?

I can tell you what I dont/didnt want to do...

1) Get divorced
2) Be cheated on
3) Have to pay $XXX a month for a dog walker because my soon to be X wife for some reason allowed me to sign a lease on an apartment she had no intentions on living in
4) Pay for your dress, makeup, flights, hotel just so you can ruin my sisters wedding
5) Pay $XXXX for an apartment ( half of the responsibility which is yours) all by myself

You fired me....you figure it out! Maybe ask POSOM for help



Where is the divorce paperwork? Whats the delay?

Last edited by unbe; 12-26-2013 at 12:57 PM.
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post #74 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 10:50 AM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

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Im thinking no response, time to start handling her own business!
This.

"A healthy choice to enforce boundaries by walking away from a dysfunctional relationship has more to do with recognizing the likeliest outcomes than with wanting to punish or retaliate against one's wayward spouse."

-TAM member Moxy
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post #75 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 11:17 AM
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100% ZERO REPLY. Get divorce filed on your own. ZERO discussion with her. Have her served. Cut her off like a limb that is trapped under a boulder. It wont be easy, will be painful, but you will be free.

Do not talk to her. Even if/when she starts saying what you want to hear. You need to fix yourself first before you can make good decisions. And she needs to completely break before you can trust her. And maybe you never can again. Just remember: ignore what she says. Watch what she DOES.

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