Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 1958 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 02:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

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100% ZERO REPLY. Get divorce filed on your own. ZERO discussion with her. Have her served. Cut her off like a limb that is trapped under a boulder. It wont be easy, will be painful, but you will be free.

Do not talk to her. Even if/when she starts saying what you want to hear. You need to fix yourself first before you can make good decisions. And she needs to completely break before you can trust her. And maybe you never can again. Just remember: ignore what she says. Watch what she DOES.

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post #77 of 1958 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 05:57 PM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

Please get the book codependent more. Your thread reeks of it. You will never have a healthy relationship until this is fixed.

PS...you cancelling your phone is a normal reaction to your circumstances. The fallout from her choices is on her.

GP
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post #78 of 1958 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 04:51 AM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

any talking to her will simply

go in one ear, out the other

get D papers served

you will hear plenty from her then

and view her....without the mask

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #79 of 1958 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 09:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

todays update:

feeling good, confident. Starting to detach. I will not go back and forth through email for nonsense. Full steam ahead

Ordered a bunch of self help books, looking forward to them coming and me starting to work on me!
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post #80 of 1958 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 09:17 AM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

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todays update:

feeling good, confident. Starting to detach. I will not go back and forth through email for nonsense. Full steam ahead

Ordered a bunch of self help books, looking forward to them coming and me starting to work on me!
unbe, are you in counseling?
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post #81 of 1958 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 09:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

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unbe, are you in counseling?
i have been speaking to my pastor. i was in MC but havent seen someone since. I cant afford it right now
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post #82 of 1958 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 08:52 PM
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I would try to find a way to afford it or see if health ins might cover any of it.

Codependent no more is a great book in the meantime. I am going through similar deal, but have had 9 months of IC plus TAM to help. Identity work is key, you need to start by writing down what is true about yourself. We let people author how we view ourselves. Make a list of the authors in your life and how you think they view you. Compare it to list of things YOU know are true about yourself.

Take that things that arent true from some authors (mainly your stbx) and burn them from existence in your mind. Those things are not true, and therefore you shouldnt let them author how you feel about yourself.

Garbage in, garbage out, as they say.

Start by respecting and standing up for yourself. The sooner the better. Good luck, will pray for you. Its a hard road.

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post #83 of 1958 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 09:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

I was able to find a ic in my plan. Starting on Thursday.

I ordered that book along with a few others. Should be here soon

Excited to start this recovery/improvement
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post #84 of 1958 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 10:18 PM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

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I was able to find a ic in my plan. Starting on Thursday.

I ordered that book along with a few others. Should be here soon

Excited to start this recovery/improvement
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Bravo the first step into a larger world.
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post #85 of 1958 (permalink) Old 12-29-2013, 12:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

Update:

Yesterday was good not great. Stbxw still had a key to the apartment and emailed me a few weeks ago about it.

I had asked her to mail them to me and of course she didn't listen. Decided to drop them off to our front desk in the building.

Just another sign of disrespect.

I want to blast her for it. Instead I will continue to stay dark.
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post #86 of 1958 (permalink) Old 12-29-2013, 12:46 PM
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Stay no contact. Remember this has nothing to do with you, these people are only thinking of themselves, therefore they arent trying to be disrespectful. Its just in their nature to not care right now. Dont let it get to you, I am sure she will do worse going forward.

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post #87 of 1958 (permalink) Old 12-29-2013, 01:11 PM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

See how the distance between your old lady is helping you and then when some crap about the key happens your back to square one with emotion.

So continue to stay dark and avoid the emotional torture.

Get a lawyer ASAP and finish this!

I suggest you ask your lawyer if you can name the OM in the D papers.Look up "allenation of affection" in your state.
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post #88 of 1958 (permalink) Old 12-30-2013, 07:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

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See how the distance between your old lady is helping you and then when some crap about the key happens your back to square one with emotion.

So continue to stay dark and avoid the emotional torture.

Get a lawyer ASAP and finish this!

I suggest you ask your lawyer if you can name the OM in the D papers.Look up "allenation of affection" in your state.
I looked this up, unfortunately its a no go where I am.

Meeting with my lawyer next week to start this. The limbo could be a good reason why I cant seem to move on. I really want to though.....
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post #89 of 1958 (permalink) Old 12-30-2013, 07:43 AM
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Your story is similar to mine, and others here unfortunately. I started making a list each day of the things that were "real" that I wanted to do and it helped remove the enotional clutter. That way I was always moving forward through the pain even if I didnt feel like it.

1. I can only change myself
2. My wife is toxic and does not care, respect, or think about me. She must be removed like a cancer.
3. I need this marriage to be over to move on. What can I do to progress this today? What things still need to be done for this to happen?
4. I will not get angry with her, or show any emotion to her at all since doing so will only enable her.
5. I will allow myself to think about this but only during certain times and for a set duration. Otherwise I will force myself to do or think about something else.
6. I am now single and have only myself and kids to worry about. Stbx is not my problem.
7. I will do things and live on my schedule. I am in control of my decisions and actions.

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post #90 of 1958 (permalink) Old 12-30-2013, 08:13 PM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

the more distance which is put between you and her

the more you will see the light

at first you almost have to force yourself

but once you see the brightness

you can't stop wakling towards it

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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