Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-19-2013, 07:24 PM Thread Starter
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Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

Heres my story....

I have been divorced once already now about to enter into my second. The women I am married to now is the first person I met after my previous divorce. Both have lasted only 2 years (im 36)

When I first met my second wife, things couldn't have been better. I thought I had met my soul mate, she was everything I have ever imagined. We lived together for 2 years prior to getting engaged. These two years were perfect.

We got engaged and things started to get a little strange. I had a feeling that she may have been cheating on me ( I am insecure in nature). I did find some emails back and forth to an old boyfriend that seems harmless enough so I never addressed it.

We got married a year later and that's when the problems started. Almost a 6 months into the marriage she started complaining that I needed to change how I acted. That I wasn't 'nice' When I asked for examples she couldn't give me any. We wouldn't argue about it much but I did hear it often. Now I had asked her if I had changed from when we first met and she said no.

Anyway, moving forward things got progressively worse. She used to be the most affectionate person who would latch onto me like a leach. After about a year of marriage this dissipated to barley touching me at all. I had to initiate all contact.

She used to want to cook all the time, that stopped. Cleaning stopped. We have a dog toghther, she stopped caring for him.

She travled for work a previously however the trips seemd to pick up at the beginning of this year. The text message went unanswered for hours, same as phone calls.

One night she had got home from a business trip and went to bed as she was exacusted from traveling. I wsnt tired and decided to watch some tv in the other room. Her phone went off with a text from a guy she works with asking "how was the rest of your night". Now the text itself seemd harmless enough but the fact the there was no history behind the message started putting up red flags.

I did some digging and noticed mutilple calls and text message while she was away to this guy (also while I was asleep). Instead of comfronting her about this I decided to start ptrying to see if she wanted out (first mistake). This was in Feburary. We started talking and she said I wasn't the person she thought and wanted out. I asked her to tell me when was needed, how can I fix this. I was in scramble mode to try and make this marriage work. She said she needed time to figure things out so I moved out.

I was out for a week and during this time I was watching to see if she would contact him, which she did. That night we were separated she was with him!!! I tried to convienence myself that maybe she was breaking it off or maybe he really was just a friend.

After the week she asked me to come home and she wanted to work on it. We started marriage consuling

During the consuling she had descrbied how I needed to change, that I didn't like to do the same things she did. She did feel financially secure because we lived a very fly by the moment life (5-6 trips per year, shopping sprees). Mind you these were the exact things she loived about me just a year ago.

So I started to change, I made drastic changes. So drastic to the point the our therapist wanted to write a book about it. I did everything I could to be the man she wanted be to be now. Even though it was against my will.

Things were good for a few months. We had moved out of our place for a few mnths to live near the beach for the summer and had a great few months,

The second we came back to our home things got worse. (We live in the city and she works a few blocks away, with him). My suspensions started up again that she had reconnected with him.

Before you new it we stopped going to therapy (she refused to go as she thought the therapist was on my side). Things went back to the way there were at the beginning of the year.

I comforted her about it two months ago and said I wasn't happy. She said she didn't want to work on it because we are too different and she didn't thinkg therapy would work. I explained that this was a marriage and we need to give it every chance, lets go to another theaprist. She said ok and would research it, that never happened.

Travleing started again, we went on some trips toghther ( I had a business trip she met me on and we had our anniversary so we went away for that). Things were ok, not great.

She had went on a trip for work about a month ago, when she came back all touching stopped. I mean all touching....

She would wait till I went to bed then she went to sleep

All the signs, I couldn't ignore it anymore

I comforted her again saying I wasn't happy but still wanted to work on it. She said now she wanted a divorce, it cant be worked on. I then did confront her about the text/phone calls and she just smirked.

I said ok, and told her to leave. She has moved out.

She is supposed to be sending me the paperwork however I haven't recieve it yet. I have not spoken with her since she left.

That brings us to the present. I am angry on so many levels, even typing this makes me angrier. I am also sad that I have another failed marriage.

I am waiting for her to send paperwork which seems dumb, should I just send her? We don't have kids or own property so its not going to be messy. I think I don't want to send it because I don't want it to be over although I know it needs to end.

I keep going back to the person I met and how I would give anything and do anything to be with that person. I also realize that person is never coming back.

Thank you for reading my long rant....Any feedback/advice is greatly appreciated.

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post #2 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-19-2013, 08:37 PM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

What was her childhood like?

For that matter, what was ex's childhood like?
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post #3 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-19-2013, 08:38 PM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

The person you first met was the imposter.

The person you see now, is the person she truly is.
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post #4 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-19-2013, 08:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Conrad View Post
What was her childhood like?

For that matter, what was ex's childhood like?
"So I started to change, I made drastic changes. So drastic to the point the our therapist wanted to write a book about it. I did everything I could to be the man she wanted be to be now. Even though it was against my will."

I hate it when I read stuff like this.
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post #5 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-19-2013, 08:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

Quote:
Originally Posted by Conrad View Post
What was her childhood like?

For that matter, what was ex's childhood like?
mother divorced and remarried (on #3)

birth father was abusive, bi polar. not in the picture any longer
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post #6 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-19-2013, 08:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

Quote:
Originally Posted by ReGroup View Post
"So I started to change, I made drastic changes. So drastic to the point the our therapist wanted to write a book about it. I did everything I could to be the man she wanted be to be now. Even though it was against my will."

I hate it when I read stuff like this.
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I hated typing it...
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post #7 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-19-2013, 08:51 PM
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Originally Posted by unbe View Post
I hated typing it...
Good. Never again, for no one.

Was your first marriage similar to the second one?
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post #8 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-19-2013, 08:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

Quote:
Originally Posted by ReGroup View Post
Good. Never again, for no one.

Was your first marriage similar to the second one?
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not at all. first marriage broke apart because of outside family influences.
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post #9 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-19-2013, 09:49 PM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

When you moved out and you saw that she was with the OM, then you should have filed right then and there and been done with it.

The problem is when she's telling you that you need to change this and change that, you should have told her to look in the mirror and start making some changes for herself. Like start acting like a wife. What changes did she make?

You let her roll over you and take your pride and dignity and did nothing to preserve any of it.

Get a lawyer and have her served and get her out of your life and move on. You'll be doing yourself a great big favor.
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post #10 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 01:26 AM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

dude this is an endless cycle....it will continue to repeat

get a lawyer and GTFO...sooner...the better

leave skid marks in the rose bushes

she wanted you to change but couldn't tell you how

your W has some serious emotional issues from her past

waaaaay before you came along

when I was a kid, I could blow smoke up my pop's a$$

but.....only for a short while, then he called me on it

your W blew that smoke....now you see her without the mask

give this defiant female what she wants

and watch her reaction when it does not

unfold as she thought it would


A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #11 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 05:51 AM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

These stories just keep coming.

Same plots, different actors.

Hang around unbe. You're going to get some great advice.

Spend some time reading other threads here, by men. You will be able to relate, I think.

"A healthy choice to enforce boundaries by walking away from a dysfunctional relationship has more to do with recognizing the likeliest outcomes than with wanting to punish or retaliate against one's wayward spouse."

-TAM member Moxy
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post #12 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 06:01 AM
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Re: Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

As ThreeStrikes said - Same story.

When I came here I was shocked at the common themes between these stories.

Your story is similar to mine, I'm not out of the woods yet, but it does get easier unbe. Listen to the advice here, it will do wonders for you.

Some good threads to look in to are:

Separated from Wife - Really want her back. - My thread, I've been given some golden advice, some of which (most) will apply to you.

Time to ReGroup and move on - ReGroup's thread.

Honorbound's Journal - Honorbound's thread.

Submitting to the Truth - One of Conrad's threads. Less of a story of separation, more good all-round insight.

Wanted to say thanks to all the folks posting here... - hitbyabrick's thread.

I could sit here and list brilliant threads all day - but start with these, keep updating yours, and soon enough you'll have all the knowledge and advice you need. All you need to bring to the table is the motivation to make it through this and come out of the other side a better man.

And the sun will rise, dawn will break through the blackest night, distant in it's glow, this shall pass, be still and know.
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post #13 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 06:13 AM
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See my post "pushing myself to go through with it" my wife did the exact same thing to me. Shifting blame, moving targets, all the while she was lying and refused to get involved with MC. Meanwhile I have been in IC trying to fix myself for 9 months while she kept complete control.

Get. Out. Now.

Here is the thing. There is nothing wrong with what you did. Do not be ashamed with doing the stuff you did to try and save your marriage. But realize the things you did are for yourself, not for her. it isnt your responsibility to fix her, it never was. If she doesnt value the marriage because her head is in the clouds of fantasy land then that is 100% on her, not you!

Put the pedal to the metal on the divorce. Now.

Go through the steps - denial, anger, depression, acceptance, etc... and keep working on yourself. Dont backslide from all the work you did.

The person you loved and knew is gone. Period.

She is not your friend. If you just met her today and she told you she was a lying cheating psycho POS but wouls you like to date her, would you say yes? No. So act accordingly and treat her accordingly. Forget her and move on. You deserve better.

You will know you are codependent no more and really bettered yourself if your next relationship is truly with someone different. Otherwise you didnt truly fix yourself yet. Be self aware!

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post #14 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 07:28 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by cbnero View Post
See my post "pushing myself to go through with it" my wife did the exact same thing to me. Shifting blame, moving targets, all the while she was lying and refused to get involved with MC. Meanwhile I have been in IC trying to fix myself for 9 months while she kept complete control.

Get. Out. Now.

Here is the thing. There is nothing wrong with what you did. Do not be ashamed with doing the stuff you did to try and save your marriage. But realize the things you did are for yourself, not for her. it isnt your responsibility to fix her, it never was. If she doesnt value the marriage because her head is in the clouds of fantasy land then that is 100% on her, not you!

Put the pedal to the metal on the divorce. Now.

Go through the steps - denial, anger, depression, acceptance, etc... and keep working on yourself. Dont backslide from all the work you did.



The person you loved and knew is gone. Period.

She is not your friend. If you just met her today and she told you she was a lying cheating psycho POS but wouls you like to date her, would you say yes? No. So act accordingly and treat her accordingly. Forget her and move on. You deserve better.

You will know you are codependent no more and really bettered yourself if your next relationship is truly with someone different. Otherwise you didnt truly fix yourself yet. Be self aware!

Posted via Topify on Android

Thanks to all for the replies they are truly appreciated and helpful. Everything being said makes sense and is where I ultimately aim to be.

Update from today:

No contact still since Friday. I'm sure it easy for her as she has OM to fall back on. Honestly it's been easy for me as well. I haven't even had a urge to call or text.

Reconnected with an old friend who's been really helpful during this time. We care for each other but realize now isn't the right time to act.

Few things I have been thinking that have pushed me to be angrier:

Found out she saw a lawyer in September.

She then proceeded to go on 3 trips with me, spend thousands of dollars on new clothes and would have sat back and took Christmas gifts. Who does that???

Something that's irked me, that's all.
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post #15 of 1964 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 08:13 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by cbnero View Post
See my post "pushing myself to go through with it" my wife did the exact same thing to me. Shifting blame, moving targets, all the while she was lying and refused to get involved with MC. Meanwhile I have been in IC trying to fix myself for 9 months while she kept complete control.

Get. Out. Now.

Here is the thing. There is nothing wrong with what you did. Do not be ashamed with doing the stuff you did to try and save your marriage. But realize the things you did are for yourself, not for her. it isnt your responsibility to fix her, it never was. If she doesnt value the marriage because her head is in the clouds of fantasy land then that is 100% on her, not you!

Put the pedal to the metal on the divorce. Now.

Go through the steps - denial, anger, depression, acceptance, etc... and keep working on yourself. Dont backslide from all the work you did.



The person you loved and knew is gone. Period.

She is not your friend. If you just met her today and she told you she was a lying cheating psycho POS but wouls you like to date her, would you say yes? No. So act accordingly and treat her accordingly. Forget her and move on. You deserve better.

You will know you are codependent no more and really bettered yourself if your next relationship is truly with someone different. Otherwise you didnt truly fix yourself yet. Be self aware!

Posted via Topify on Android

Thanks to all for the replies they are truly appreciated and helpful. Everything being said makes sense and is where I ultimately aim to be.

Update from today:

No contact still since Friday. I'm sure it easy for her as she has OM to fall back on. Honestly it's been easy for me as well. I haven't even had a urge to call or text.

Reconnected with an old friend who's been really helpful during this time. We care for each other but realize now isn't the right time to act.

Few things I have been thinking that have pushed me to be angrier:

Found out she saw a lawyer in September.

She then proceeded to go on 3 trips with me, spend thousands of dollars on new clothes and would have sat back and took Christmas gifts. Who does that???

Something that's irked me, that's all.
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